When will he learn???

[NitrousInfected]

if it is then check into some anti porn software and make a password on the computer where he cant get to any pornography. Also go into My Document and click "Tools", then "Folder options" click the "view" tab, and go down the list to hidden files and folders and mark it to show all hidden files and folders, then search around your documents to make sure no porn is hidden on the pc, then reverse process to hide the folders again becuase it isnt a good idea to have hidden system files easily accessable like that. But then install a "nanny program" and put a password he would never guess on there. He wont be happy about it, but it will curb the pornography anyway.

 

[Andy Broadley]

I have only skimmed through the replies so I apologise if this point has already been made. I feel a key word has been missed out so far, and that word is respect.

Most men, if they are honest, would not be averse to viewing porn and masturbating, including me. The reason that I don't is because of the love and RESPECT I feel for my wife. I know it would hurt her if I did this, so I don't. This is not Melissas fault in any way. I agree with the comment about him breaking up with his hand (remember what Jesus said about your hand causing you to sin?).

Coby needs to grow up a bit and remember the vows he made to Melissa regarding love and respect.

Admittadly, my Biblical knowledge is a little lacking but are we not told that a man must love his wife in the same way that Christ loves the Church?

A married man viewing porn and masturbating would not seem to be loving his wife in this way.

 

[hygienemom]

sethsmommy... I can appreciate your lack of understanding as to why your husband would touch rather than ask you to enjoy some pleasure with him because most women don’t pleasure themselves, and there are also some psychophysiological differences. First, many, if not most, men have practiced masturbation since early childhood. Second, men, like women, often touch to relieve stress. Third, a man has a biological need for release. Forth, there are chemical releases in the brain when a man [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] and this is also a very pleasurable (euphoric) feeling. Though men have been teased about masturbation, it has been much more socially acceptable than it has been for women. Men generally don’t require as much intimacy as women, thus this particular sexual act can be performed alone as where women usually consider intimacy to be a larger part of their sexual experiences. I believe it is important for you to try to understand some of these factors.

I’m also concerned that you may have overreacted to this to the point of such anger toward him. This statement in now way minimizes the fact (as you have stated) that you have discussed this issue and (apparently) he has agreed not to touch and ask you to participate in his need for release/pleasure. That not withstanding, I believe that if you hadn’t gotten so upset, you two could have had a nice time together. When I counsel individual spouses (which happens most of the time as opposed to having both spouses available for counseling), I let them know that I can only offer them counsel as to their personal responsibility in a particular situation. As it is in this case, I would suggest to you that you chose a counterproductive behavior by getting upset because you had a previous agreement with your husband that you felt he broke and I believe that you also feel “unneeded” due to your lack of (the above) understanding. Since my separation from my wife, I have learned that I too had many responses similar to yours by allowing her actions/words/lack of actions that I expected/etc. to cause me to act in reversed or counterproductive/unhealthy ways. If I were in your shoes, I would have make myself immediately available had he wanted to have sex with you (assuming that you were “available”). Again, this would assume that you didn’t have an agreement in place and that you were okay with his masturbating.

Though this may not be the case in your marriage, couples that have different sex drives (most couples) will have sex when they are both desiring to do so and the spouse with the higher sex drive may touch on the “off times” of the other spouse. As long as both spouses have a healthy understanding of their desire/need for each other and find masturbation acceptable, then there is generally no problem. It sounds like there may be some deeper issues that you are dealing with such as your own insecurities of inadequacy, rejection, low esteem, etc. This may be a good opportunity for the two of you to seek some counsel (both on the issue of masturbation being acceptable or not, and each of your insecurities if there are any). I hope this help you. If I can answer/add anything else just ask…Michael

Shouldn't the man be responsible for his actions? I think you are letting him off the hook.

 

[bringingup4forHim]

as for the computer anti porn software, good luck! i installed BSafe put out by focus on the family. it is considered the best on the market. i have tried numerous blocks, to no avail. you can still pull up thong underware (worn by models) and the like on ebay. there are ways to get around it and my husband has discovered them all. i put 900 blocks on the phone, blocked the direct tv pay per view, had control over the money. he used the chevron card to buy porn mags!! notice i have said "i" put all of the blocks on, not "we" or "him". i had to be the porn police in the house, not a good thing. the heart has to change, not the accesability! pray for your husband, talk to him calmly. i have no other suggestions, i too am dealing with a porn addicted husband, among other things....

 

[Melbelle]

After going through and rereading half of these comments, I believe most of you seem to think that (IMO) I'm over reacting and I'm in the wrong for being upset with something that God says is wrong, like one of the posts says "In the bible it states that man are suppose to love his wife as God loves the church" That is exactly right, He is not showing me any respect in this. I feel hurt and betrayed, Looking at porn and doing his business is adultry in the mind, (Like my mom always said, if your thinking about it you mise well do it cus in Gods eyes its already been done) Yeah so what he works comes home to a nice supper and a warm bed, I work my butt off trying to please him and I get no respect, He hollers at me cus things aren't done the way his momma does them, I get treated like a kid, and he goes to the room to relive stress, well hummm I guess I'm just suppose to sit back suck it up and deal with and act like everything is fine and dandy when my husband would rather sleep with his hands, I'm so sorry but I'm not his servant, and I am a human just like him just because he is male and he gets to go to work and I stay at home not to mention stuck in this house 24/7 with a 1yr old a phone and a computer thats the only things I have to the outside world unless he is off and we get to go to the grocery store or if we get lucky and get to go out, So yes he is not the only stressed one here he is not the only one who needs to release stress and he is not the only one who is always tired but what if the tables where turned and I was the one that had my B.O.B out and useing it while he was in the mood but I didn't bother to go and say hey hunny wanna come tuck me in. I wonder if he was the one on here saying this about me, what would the reaction be then. I'm so sorry but there is a handfull of you that really understand the rest of you are pointing your fingers at me and saying I'm in the wrong and I don't understand but I honestly don't think you do understand. GODS WORD SAYS ITS WRONG!!! Thanks for to you guys and gals who really see and understand what is going on here. I know this will probley get turned in but at this point I really don't care, and it want suprise me. But I'm not being ugly and I"m not out of line, but what ever.

 

[mghalpern]

Shouldn't the man be responsible for his actions? I think you are letting him off the hook.

hygienemom... If I didn't make it clear, we are all responsible for our own actions. She is responsible for hers and he is responsible for his. I am not "letting him off the hook" for anything. I have already said that he is wrong if they have an agreement. I also didn't know about the pornography when I first posted. This is absolutely a sin and he is definitely wrong for indulging in it. I still maintain that we only can control our actions/words/responses and thus, we are responsible for those things...Michael

 

[mghalpern]

After going through and rereading half of these comments, I believe most of you seem to think that (IMO) I'm over reacting and I'm in the wrong for being upset with something that God says is wrong, like one of the posts says "In the bible it states that man are suppose to love his wife as God loves the church" That is exactly right, He is not showing me any respect in this. I feel hurt and betrayed, Looking at porn and doing his business is adultry in the mind, (Like my mom always said, if your thinking about it you mise well do it cus in Gods eyes its already been done) Yeah so what he works comes home to a nice supper and a warm bed, I work my butt off trying to please him and I get no respect, He hollers at me cus things aren't done the way his momma does them, I get treated like a kid, and he goes to the room to relive stress, well hummm I guess I'm just suppose to sit back suck it up and deal with and act like everything is fine and dandy when my husband would rather sleep with his hands, I'm so sorry but I'm not his servant, and I am a human just like him just because he is male and he gets to go to work and I stay at home not to mention stuck in this house 24/7 with a 1yr old a phone and a computer thats the only things I have to the outside world unless he is off and we get to go to the grocery store or if we get lucky and get to go out, So yes he is not the only stressed one here he is not the only one who needs to release stress and he is not the only one who is always tired but what if the tables where turned and I was the one that had my B.O.B out and useing it while he was in the mood but I didn't bother to go and say hey hunny wanna come tuck me in. I wonder if he was the one on here saying this about me, what would the reaction be then. I'm so sorry but there is a handfull of you that really understand the rest of you are pointing your fingers at me and saying I'm in the wrong and I don't understand but I honestly don't think you do understand. GODS WORD SAYS ITS WRONG!!! Thanks for to you guys and gals who really see and understand what is going on here. I know this will probley get turned in but at this point I really don't care, and it want suprise me. But I'm not being ugly and I"m not out of line, but what ever.

sethsmommy… If you are referring to me in the above quote, I don’t know that you have read everything I have posted regarding this issue. I first of all, I had no idea that there was pornography involved. I will say it again, this is a serious issue and I fully understand your feelings about betrayal, disrespect, and distrust. Masturbation is another issue (that’s between the two of you and what you agree upon, but you’ll be hard pressed to show that the Bible forbids it).



By reading everything you have posted above, there are many issues that the two of you are dealing with. If you two can’t find resolution through discussion, I would suggest professional Christian counseling. If your husband won’t go with you, I would go alone. You have your hands full trying to successfully run your home, and this is very stressful. You are entitled to release some stress just as much as he is. I am not figure pointing and saying that one of you is wrong and the other isn’t. Blame doesn’t solve anything. “Counseling 101” teaches you that this is the first thing each spouse wants to do when they come in for counseling, and you must move beyond this immediately. Accepting personal responsibility is the only way to move into God’s will for your personal life and begin to see change. I do hope that your husband is willing to seek the counsel of your pastor or a therapist. I pray that the Lord will bless you both and that you will soon see resolution to your issues and a much healthier relationship together. I am sorry if you felt that I was blaming you, not understanding you, or thinking that you completely overreacted. I will say again though, you can only control your responses and I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide you and give you the strength to respond the way He would…Michael

 

[Andy Broadley]

After going through and rereading half of these comments, I believe most of you seem to think that (IMO) I'm over reacting and I'm in the wrong for being upset with something that God says is wrong, like one of the posts says "In the bible it states that man are suppose to love his wife as God loves the church" That is exactly right, He is not showing me any respect in this. I feel hurt and betrayed, Looking at porn and doing his business is adultry in the mind, (Like my mom always said, if your thinking about it you mise well do it cus in Gods eyes its already been done) Yeah so what he works comes home to a nice supper and a warm bed, I work my butt off trying to please him and I get no respect, He hollers at me cus things aren't done the way his momma does them, I get treated like a kid, and he goes to the room to relive stress, well hummm I guess I'm just suppose to sit back suck it up and deal with and act like everything is fine and dandy when my husband would rather sleep with his hands, I'm so sorry but I'm not his servant, and I am a human just like him just because he is male and he gets to go to work and I stay at home not to mention stuck in this house 24/7 with a 1yr old a phone and a computer thats the only things I have to the outside world unless he is off and we get to go to the grocery store or if we get lucky and get to go out, So yes he is not the only stressed one here he is not the only one who needs to release stress and he is not the only one who is always tired but what if the tables where turned and I was the one that had my B.O.B out and useing it while he was in the mood but I didn't bother to go and say hey hunny wanna come tuck me in. I wonder if he was the one on here saying this about me, what would the reaction be then. I'm so sorry but there is a handfull of you that really understand the rest of you are pointing your fingers at me and saying I'm in the wrong and I don't understand but I honestly don't think you do understand. GODS WORD SAYS ITS WRONG!!! Thanks for to you guys and gals who really see and understand what is going on here. I know this will probley get turned in but at this point I really don't care, and it want suprise me. But I'm not being ugly and I"m not out of line, but what ever.

I think under the circumstances you have been extremely fair and reasonable. There has been a lot of debate so far about whether what Coby is doing is right or wrong, but the point is that it is something you have asked him not to do many times because it makes you feel hurt and rejected. As your husband he should show you enough consideration to respect your wishes. What you are asking of him is not unreasonable, nor are you over reacting. If this was happening in my marriage I would be in a heap load of trouble by now. And as for complaining that my wife doesn't do things the way my mother does, I would only ever get to say that once! I'd then find myself back with my mother. If anything it sounds like you are being a bit too soft with him. Time to toughen up a bit gal.

Gotta go now Melissa, hope things start to work out a bit better. I'll be back around again tonight (GB time/late afternoon EST). Be thinking of you both (sorry 3, keep forgetting Seth). God Bless.

 

[bringingup4forHim]

mghalpern~ i understand your position about masturbation and having a hard time finding versus forbiding it in the bible, however, i wonder something. can a man truly touch with a clear mind? meaning nothing to arouse him or no visions of a woman? and then, how many men touch with visions of their spouse while she is in the next room?

 

[mghalpern]

mghalpern~ i understand your position about masturbation and having a hard time finding versus forbiding it in the bible, however, i wonder something. can a man truly touch with a clear mind? meaning nothing to arouse him or no visions of a woman? and then, how many men touch with visions of their spouse while she is in the next room?

bringingup4forHim... I believe your questions take this thread off subject. I do believe the issues for sethsmommy is the pornography and the agreement that she and her husband had about masturbation. In both of these cases, her husband is wrong. I'm not going to debate masturbation in this thread (I don't think that that is the issue here). I also believe from her last post that there are a number of issues that need to be resolved in order to have a healthy and happy marriage. I have been counseling for over fifteen years and in my opinion, what we are seeing here are symptoms of underlying issues that need to be addressed...Michael

 

[charligirl]

Melissa

I don't think this is your fault, and I think you have every right to be upseta nbd feel betrayed - but there does seem to be lots of anger (understandably) and I think you need to get past that before you can work through this.

You keep asking why you should change when it's his fault... because someone has to and you could wait for years if you wait for him! Is Cody saved? forgive me, I can't remember - even if he is you seem to be the mature chritsina one inthe marriage so it is up to you to do something about this... it's usually the women being a godly wife that wins over the unsaved man.

A problem like this is not simple, it doesn't happen overnight and there is always a deeper root - and whereas he may be to blame for his actions and choices, it is rare in a marriage that both partners don't have any share of the cause of the problem. hear me, I am NOT saying it is your fault AT ALL, HE is to be held responsible for his actions, but situations such as this will always have a root cause that can be contributed to by both parties.

And I'll say it again, I don't think this is anything about sex! the root of this is tied up with your husband's self worth and probably yours to some extent. I'll also recommend 'Wild at Heart' again, which covers pornography and some of the reasons why men turn to it - reasons you can help with.

The bible says that a man should love his wife as his own body - what if he doesn't love himself?? or has poor self image ot issues in that area? that will affect how he loves his wife. Pornography women can't be disappointed, it's a safe fantasy - and one that is hard to pull away from if you feel in real life somehow that you are not fulfiling your wife as you should.

There are some real issues here, but I think everyone is treating this too simply and only looking at the symptoms of simething that is underlying. Pray for wisdom and start to build his self worth (vent your upset to God and go to Him for soothing)- it's acting in the opposite spirit to how you feel that is often God's solution.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I still believe that it's time for the kid to grow up. If he thought he was man enough to get married then now it's time for him to show that.
I was young before. I wasn't any better than this guy. I got married and ran into the same problems. I realized it was time for me to grow up and act like a husband.

 

[charligirl]

I still believe that it's time for the kid to grow up. If he thought he was man enough to get married then now it's time for him to show that.
I was young before. I wasn't any better than this guy. I got married and ran into the same problems. I realized it was time for me to grow up and act like a husband.

That may be true, but that can't be forced, God needs to bring him to that realisation.

 

[Andy Broadley]

I still believe that it's time for the kid to grow up. If he thought he was man enough to get married then now it's time for him to show that.
I was young before. I wasn't any better than this guy. I got married and ran into the same problems. I realized it was time for me to grow up and act like a husband.

I would agree with this totally. Lets hope that Coby realises how lucky he is, before he isn't any more.

Sounds like Melissa has already tried to meet him well over half way on this. It's down to him now to wise up and grow up.

 

[Melbelle]

Well he called this morning had me in tears this morning and well we decided tonight we are gonna sit down and talk, I told him that if Marridge counceling or some sort of thing like that is brought up think about it don't just say no. So I guess we will see. I have tried and tried and am still trying to be the best Godly wife I can possiably be, some times I fell but hey we all do. I'm not a big church goer anymore because well you need wheels for that, but I do stay in my bible and I do praise God in my music and lots more ways, I work my hinny off trying to keep him happy and I just do not know what else to do to keep him focused on me and our family. I pray and I know it takes patents and I know that God will work in him but he will only work in him if Coby will open him self up and alowe God to work in him, so this is where I'm getting tired at, when we do go to church I try to get him to go with me, sometimes he does but then I'm misserable at church because he does not want to be there and starts going on how he feels convicted and how he doesn't want to be there. God is trying to work in him but Coby want alowe him to get into the parts of his life he want let go. Coby confesses to being saved. But just cus he is saved doesn't mean he is a christian, christian is Christ like and well he isn't even trying anymore. He told me he was not ready to give up things. I can't force him too I know this and I can't change him and I know this. What do I need to change, do I need to get angry to him face to face cus I do not let him see me angry, I walk away and cool down. I try not to let him know he gets to me but thats really hard cus he knows if I just walk away with only saying OK or yeah thats what I thought then he knows I'm upset but he doesn't know how much. So what am I suppose to do get stronger with him what I'm not sure but praying only goes so far and well Coby has to be willing to let God work in him.

 

[charligirl]

Do you have 'Power of a Praying wife?' praying through that brings major breakthroughs.

 

[Andy Broadley]

 

[Jenna]

It is oftimes real hard to sit back and be patient as you watch the Lord work. *hugs* The best you can do is put yourself right with God and rely on the Lord to fill the holes that you have in your heart. I can't speak for everyone, but I know that most of us here understand that you are being wronged. However, there is nothing that any of us can do to change your husband, and neither can you- if you want to be honest about it. The best that we can do is support you in your quest to put your heart and eyes on the Lord, and live your life to please Him, regardless of whether you get rewarded for you work by your husband. I haven't read anyone here who has said that any of this is your fault. I don't believe that anyone feels that way. What a good many people are trying to impress on you though is that you need to re-focus yourself on pleasing God and being fulfilled through Him, and the rest will work out as it may.

Regardless of whether or not your husband appreciates that you cook and clean for him, the Lord sees what you do. Read through Proverbs 31 if you need a reminder of how much God enjoys a busy and fruitful wife. Even if your husband never opens his eyes and sees your gifts to him, the Lord will not forget your good deeds, and is made happy by your love. It doesn't just stop at the domestic work either. Every word and action that you give life to is a testament to your love of God, that you put Him first regardless of how your husband may allow his sin to blind him. So, when you put aside the wildly hot anger that you feel and look for ways that you can serve your husband and help support him through this fight against sin, the Lord sees your gift. Everything that you do counts and has meaning. When you begin to feel resentment creeping in, and anger takes hold, just remember that no matter how dumb your guy may be acting, you aren't doing good things soley for his benefit. Your love of the Lord is driving you, and if you ask, He will give you the grace to act in His will to better the situation, even if it means quietly leaving it alone to watch Him work.

I'm out of words. Maybe I'll try back later.

 

[charligirl]

I'm out of words. Maybe I'll try back later.

The words you said were perfect

 

[hisbloodformysins]

This could be part of the problem. And one that I can identify with. I know that I have been too tired to 'perform' for my husband, but was still in the mood. During those times, of course it crossed my mind that masturbation was just easier. My husband, thankfully understands and what usually follows is mutual touching yourself.

I agree with those people who have said that you two need to sit down and discuss this. There needs to be an open line of communication. I know that society (especially if you were raised in a Christian household) thinks that sex shouldn't be discussed. Well, you're married. If you have hang-ups about sex, I suggest getting over them. You need to find out why he isn't comming to you first... Has he been hurt by rejection? Does he think you are too busy? Or is he just plain tired and wants a quick release? And then work together to solve the problem. And it might mean doing things a little different than 'normal'.

I think you hit on something here. Actually, that's what crosses my mind also, masturbation is easier. You don't have to do all the petting, kissing, trying to get your mate in the mood..... ironically my hubby is ok with the fact that I do it, we are open and honest about it, and he does it and well, actually, sometimes that is not a good thing because it can take away from the actual experiance.

But here's something to consider. My hubby has expressed "being in the mood" to me, yet turns down the offer to have sex because "it's too much work". The truth is also is that men in particular thrive on pleasing their wives, and I know my hubby feels pressure to do all kinds of things in foreplay, because he knows that women are different from men, takes longer... but sometimes what he doesn't realize is that sometimes I don't want to mess around either, I just want to get it over with... I guess that's my issue lately, maybe should talk about that.....

Maybe, and i don't know for sure, but maybe that's what's going on, your hubby doesn't want to go through all the "prepping" for it, so it's just easier to do it....... ask him......

HB