When will he learn???

[Why?]

I have to ask it... why is SHE the one who has to compromise? He KNOWS it makes her mad... shouldn't the compromise come from him maybe asking her to help him instead of trying to hide it? Why is everyone determined to make it seem like Melissa is in the wrong here?

Because she wants him to change, but doesn't want to change anything about herself (i.e. her problem with his masturbation when he's tired). Why should he be the only one who has to change?

I cearly stated that they both need to change. They need to talk and figure out a situation that works for both of them. She doesn't want him to touch instead of comming to her for relief. He is too tired to 'perform'. There has to be something in between that they can agree on.

 

[Maxxie28]

Because she wants him to change, but doesn't want to change anything about herself (i.e. her problem with his masturbation when he's tired). Why should he be the only one who has to change?

I cearly stated that they both need to change. They need to talk and figure out a situation that works for both of them. She doesn't want him to touch instead of comming to her for relief. He is too tired to 'perform'. There has to be something in between that they can agree on.

What part of 'When I am on my period I don't mind but if I am available to give it up I would prefer he come to me' didn't seem clear? Just because masturbation seems like an ok concept to you (and even to me) doesn't mean it HAS to be ok for her. Furthermore, they HAVE discussed this, if you've followed her posts then you know it's been discussed MORE than once. The problem here is not about change, the problem here is that he KNOWS how it makes her feel and he STILL FEELS THE NEED TO HIDE IT! This seems like a pretty HUGE issue to me that goes far beyond Melissas need to accept anything!

 

[Why?]

What part of 'When I am on my period I don't mind but if I am available to give it up I would prefer he come to me' didn't seem clear? Just because masturbation seems like an ok concept to you (and even to me) doesn't mean it HAS to be ok for her. Furthermore, they HAVE discussed this, if you've followed her posts then you know it's been discussed MORE than once. The problem here is not about change, the problem here is that he KNOWS how it makes her feel and he STILL FEELS THE NEED TO HIDE IT! This seems like a pretty HUGE issue to me that goes far beyond Melissas need to accept anything!

I never said that she had to accept it. I said they have to compromise. Both of them.

What you aren't getting here is this: He wants to touch, but doesn't want to have sex because he's too tired. She wants to have sex, and doesn't want him to touch.

Why does he have to have sex if he's too tired?

There has to be some 'middle' ground. Something that he can do instead of touch, something that they can do together that isn't 'full-on sex'.

 

[Maxxie28]

What you aren't getting here is this: He wants to touch, but doesn't want to have sex because he's too tired. She wants to have sex, and doesn't want him to touch.

Why does he have to have sex if he's too tired?

There has to be some 'middle' ground.

Yes, there does have to be some middle ground... but even if he is mastubating cause he's too tired for sex it is no excuse to HIDE it... I still don't understand why you think this is ok... or are ignoring it at the very least. How hard would it be for him to ask her to help him? Why is it that SHE is the one that has to accept it? The issue remains, she WOULD help if he asked (I asked her, so I know I'm right), but he is content to HIDE it... the change has to come from that issue... not Melissas need to accept it. Imagine your husband and/or SO telling you just to accept the one thing that irritates you the most.

 

[Melbelle]

I never said that she had to accept it. I said they have to compromise. Both of them.

What you aren't getting here is this: He wants to touch, but doesn't want to have sex because he's too tired. She wants to have sex, and doesn't want him to touch.

Why does he have to have sex if he's too tired?

There has to be some 'middle' ground.

So what you are saying, is that I should be ok with him doing his business. Now I would have no problem if he asked me to come in and asked me to help him out I would do that, but with him looking at porn and then running the room to do his thing or even just going to the room to do it he could ask me to help him out but no he would rather go behind my back and do it and then play like he isn't doing anything. If he didn't do anything wrong then why did he call to appoligize this morning, he doesn't appoligize unless he is wrong that is how he is.

 

[Why?]

I'm going to stop posting because you obviously aren't reading what I write.

I do not think it is okay for him to touch by himself, if she has expressed that she doesn't like it.

Why does he hide? Because she throws fits and gets angry when he does it. (I know because I throw fits and get angry at my husband and this is usually the result if we don't work out a compromise after he finds out I don't like or agree with something.) Yes, he knows that he wronged you. He loves you and doesn't want you angry with him, that's why he appologized.

If Melissa is willing to help him out, then they need to discuss that she doesn't expect 'full-on sex' all the time; that when he is tired she will 'help him out' in a less exertive way.

 

[Melbelle]

I'm going to stop posting because you obviously aren't reading what I write.

I do not think it is okay for him to touch by himself, if she has expressed that she doesn't like it.

Why does he hide? Because she throws fits and gets angry when he does it. (I know because I throw fits and get angry at my husband and this is usually the result if we don't work out a compromise after he finds out I don't like or agree with something.) Yes, he knows that he wronged you. He loves you and doesn't want you angry with him, that's why he appologized.

If Melissa is willing to help him out, then they need to discuss that she doesn't expect 'full-on sex' all the time; that when he is tired she will 'help him out' in a less exertive way.

Ok, I do not throw a fit I just walk off, he knows I'm angry yes but I do not throw a fit. Throwing a fit want get me anywhere.

 

[bringingup4forHim]

has anyone noticed that she mentioned PORNOGRAPHY?!?!?! her husband is pertaking in pornography! no wonder she feels this way! no woman can compete with the tan, plastic, glossy paged women in a porn mag. not to mention he would rather look at that and then touch! this is a serrious problem melissa. you need good, solid christian couseling. even if just you go. pornography is very damaging to most women. i don't want to get into a debate but it is also adultry. i am praying for you, this hits way too close to home for me.

 

[Melbelle]

has anyone noticed that she mentioned PORNOGRAPHY?!?!?! her husband is pertaking in pornography! no wonder she feels this way! no woman can compete with the tan, plastic, glossy paged women in a porn mag. not to mention he would rather look at that and then touch! this is a serrious problem melissa. you need good, solid christian couseling. even if just you go. pornography is very damaging to most women. i don't want to get into a debate but it is also adultry. i am praying for you, this hits way too close to home for me.

Ty for pointing that out, and they say that we can't read there posts.

 

[Why?]

Ty for pointing that out, and they say that we can't read there posts.

No, the 'they' here was me, so thank you for the backhanded flame.

I am praying for you and your husband. I hope you two can work something out.

 

[mghalpern]

Ty for pointing that out, and they say that we can't read there posts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by: bringingup4forHim

has anyone noticed that she mentioned PORNOGRAPHY?!?!?! her husband is pertaking in pornography! no wonder she feels this way! no woman can compete with the tan, plastic, glossy paged women in a porn mag. not to mention he would rather look at that and then touch! this is a serrious problem melissa. you need good, solid christian couseling. even if just you go. pornography is very damaging to most women. i don't want to get into a debate but it is also adultry. i am praying for you, this hits way too close to home for me.

I didn't see the mention of pornography in the OP. Is it there?...Michael

 

[Why?]

has anyone noticed that she mentioned PORNOGRAPHY?!?!?!

And, yes, I did see that she added that in one of her later posts, but I was addressing the problem in the OP.

Ah, I see Michael got to that point before me...

 

[Melbelle]

And, yes, I did see that she added that in one of her later posts, but I was addressing the problem in the OP.

But you wanted to keep on about that I was in the wrong, is it just me or does it seem that everyone is trying to make things my fault I mean thats how I'm feeling, its my fault he masturbates, its my fault that he can't talk to me and I do all the talking.

 

[NitrousInfected]

The porn is wrong and yes it is adultery, and it is just as damaging to men as it is too women. Porn is absolutely destructive to any and all that view it. My advise rid the house of it

 

[Melbelle]

The porn is wrong and yes it is adultery, and it is just as damaging to men as it is too women. Porn is absolutely destructive to any and all that view it. My advise rid the house of it

There is none in the house its on the puter he gets to.

 

[Why?]

But you wanted to keep on about that I was in the wrong, is it just me or does it seem that everyone is trying to make things my fault I mean thats how I'm feeling, its my fault he masturbates, its my fault that he can't talk to me and I do all the talking.

I never said that you were in the wrong. I tried to find the reason that he was masturbating (because he was too tired to have sex). And I tried to help you find a way to work with him to find a different outlet.

Only you didn't want to hear my suggestions. Because, IMO, you don't want to compromise, you just want him to change. If you are willing to give him your hand instead, say that (to him...). My whole point was, that you need to talk together and find a solution to this other than just ordering him to stop masturbating.

If he's too tired to have sex, then you have to help him see that there are other things that you two can do together to help him get relief that aren't as exhaustive. If he doesn't realize that he has other options (and you can't expect him to figure them out on his own... he is a man. lol ) then he'll just revert back to hiding.

You do not have to let him touch by himself, if you don't like it. So, you need to give him other 'easy relief' options.

(As for the porn, I have no idea how to get an addicted person help if they don't want it... and that wasn't in the OP, so hasn't figured into my advise.)

 

[Jenna]

This is probably going to sound like it is coming from far left field for many people, except for maybe some of the people have have successful dealt with masturbation problems.

I'm not sure that shaming this guy into "submission" is going to cure a single thing. If anything it is going to cause more problems. If you want something from someone, then you have a much better chance at accomplishing something through being sweet than sounding as pleasant as a mouth full of battery acid. That probably sounds rude, but it isn't meant that way. What I have noticed though is that a recurrent theme through all of these posts for quite a long time is anger. It is one thing to admit to being disappointed and angry over some really stupid behavior on a husband's part. However, when anger spills into every expression of action and words towards a spouse, they are going to give you absolutely nothing. Yup. It gets you nowhere but an equally angry, oftimes withdrawn husband.

I'm not saying that a woman isn't justified in being angry because her husband disrespects their marriage covenant. What I AM saying though is that many times we let widsom fly right out the window as soon as something happens that we don't like, instead of realizing that many good men struggle with masturbation and hate what it does to their lives. If we are going to expect people to be patient and slow to anger when we show our own weaknesses of sin, then we need to be willing to give as good as we expect from others. Sometimes I think that that means curbing our own tongues and realizing that pornography or not, no man wants to bed down with a woman that he views as a harpie.

I know that my contribution is probably going to be spit on, but I honestly feel that these are some truths that we need to address. Just because something doesn't feel good, that doesn't mean that it is without merit. We could use a lot more

"We have a problem. How can I help you overcome this sin so we can have a happy, healthy marriage" instead of "you _______(insert derogatory term), you stop that right now and respect me, or else".

 

[mghalpern]

But you wanted to keep on about that I was in the wrong, is it just me or does it seem that everyone is trying to make things my fault I mean thats how I'm feeling,

its my fault he masturbates, its my fault that he can't talk to me and I do all the talking.

sethsmommy... Absolutely not! (to the questions in red). However, we are only responsible for our own actions/responses. You mention a lot about feelings, and yes, feelings are real, but the more mature we are the more we will live above our feelings to DO what is right.



Regarding the porn...this is sinful behavior (something that I have dealt with), but so is anger, envy, etc. etc. One of the biggest things I have learned in my separation is to have a ton more compassion for my wife. I have to realize that we both sin, we are both human, and that her sin is not about ME! Yes, I may be affected by her sin, but this is something she needs to deal with the Lord about (as do I when I sin).



I would caution you about looking too much at your husbands life and look more at yourself. I remember a post to DESI about "Why Separation Happens" where someone said to him, when you stop sinning, then you can point out the sin of others. Let's be careful not to pick up those stones. It is one thing to expose/point out sin in our mates life and yet another to punish our mate for their sin. That's not our job. I would encourage you to overcome your feelings as best as you can and DO the right thing...Michael

 

[NitrousInfected]

your husband masturbating isnt neccesarily your fault. If you had rejected him a lot or made him feel inadequate or something of the sort, maybe, but the fact that he masturbates is not a direct reflection of his desire or love for you. Men touch for a number of different reasons. Stress relief, relaxation, boredom, convience, and the list goes on and on, but the fact that he is viewing pornographic material then masturbating is not good, You need to talk to him and let him know every feeling you have expressed here, and dont do it while either of you are angry, You need to TALK not FIGHT.

 

[NitrousInfected]

is the computer he viewing porn on in your house?