When will he learn???

[Melbelle]

Uggg I'm so frustrated tonight, I'm sitting here got seth to bed and all everything was great well hubby goes to bed and well I hear him in the room and I'm like what is going on in there so I go in there and well yup you guest it masturbation, well we have went over this time after time. If I'm not on my monthly to please talk to me but no he insists on this well I look at him and said "Yup" and turned around walked out and kept on doing what I was doing. He walks out of the room and says "Hunny I would much rather have you" and while still on fire I say "Go back to bed" and he insists on talkin to me so then I say "If you wanted me then you would have asked me or waited for me to come to bed or even suggest I go to bed earlie tonight" Well he had the nerve to tell me that we can go ahead and do it now, Pfff Like that would happen. Sorry I'm to on fire to do anything with him now and I told him that we have went over this time after time and I just feel that he would rather have his hand over me I'm frustrated and angry at the same time. I know I said I wouldn't vent but now I'm not venting I want some advice I want someone who has been through this to talk about it or even a man that can tell me that what he is doing is natural and its ok because right now I feel like I'm not good enough and it hurts so bad.

Thanks
Melissa

 

[desi]

He wants you but he thinks you are busy/you've turned him down so he doesn't want to be turned down again and feel bad so he masturbates. It meets the need and spares his ego from getting rejected by you. Keep in mind you just rejected him again. Don't do that if you can avoid it. Of course I am a man speaking from my own limited experience.

 

[SkyeBlue8]

If he's in the other room doing that, where you can hear him, why does he leave the door open? Is he trying to get your attention? Maybe that's just his way of getting attention. I'm not saying it's right, but it could be.
I used to do some mean/stupid things to get my hubby's attention.

 

[Melbelle]

He wants you but he thinks you are busy/you've turned him down so he doesn't want to be turned down again and feel bad so he masturbates. It meets the need and spares his ego from getting rejected by you. Keep in mind you just rejected him again. Don't do that if you can avoid it. Of course I am a man speaking from my own limited experience.

The only time I have ever rejected him including dateing is when he did his masturbation business. Why should I give him what he wants when he can't even ask, he knows when its that time of the month I do not care but any other time I'm usely up for it and if I'm not then the knows I'll make it up to him but that is very rare and has only happend while I was on medication that made my sex drive very low.

 

[Melbelle]

If he's in the other room doing that, where you can hear him, why does he leave the door open? Is he trying to get your attention? Maybe that's just his way of getting attention. I'm not saying it's right, but it could be.
I used to do some mean/stupid things to get my hubby's attention.

The door was closed, and it wasn't moaning I was hearing it was the bottle cap flipper top thingy from the stuff he uses to do his thing. He was shocked when I walked in usely I wouldn't walk in cus I'd just be mad but I'm fet up with it.

 

[Andy Broadley]

I'd still reccomend a temporary withdrawel of catering services until such times as he learns to appreciate you a little!


It's not easy offering advice in situations like this because there is a lack of details and background. I would suggest talking to your Minister of someone you know you can trust.

Thinking about you both - God Bless

 

[mghalpern]

sethsmommy... I can appreciate your lack of understanding as to why your husband would touch rather than ask you to enjoy some pleasure with him because most women don’t pleasure themselves, and there are also some psychophysiological differences. First, many, if not most, men have practiced masturbation since early childhood. Second, men, like women, often touch to relieve stress. Third, a man has a biological need for release. Forth, there are chemical releases in the brain when a man [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] and this is also a very pleasurable (euphoric) feeling. Though men have been teased about masturbation, it has been much more socially acceptable than it has been for women. Men generally don’t require as much intimacy as women, thus this particular sexual act can be performed alone as where women usually consider intimacy to be a larger part of their sexual experiences. I believe it is important for you to try to understand some of these factors.

I’m also concerned that you may have overreacted to this to the point of such anger toward him. This statement in now way minimizes the fact (as you have stated) that you have discussed this issue and (apparently) he has agreed not to touch and ask you to participate in his need for release/pleasure. That not withstanding, I believe that if you hadn’t gotten so upset, you two could have had a nice time together. When I counsel individual spouses (which happens most of the time as opposed to having both spouses available for counseling), I let them know that I can only offer them counsel as to their personal responsibility in a particular situation. As it is in this case, I would suggest to you that you chose a counterproductive behavior by getting upset because you had a previous agreement with your husband that you felt he broke and I believe that you also feel “unneeded” due to your lack of (the above) understanding. Since my separation from my wife, I have learned that I too had many responses similar to yours by allowing her actions/words/lack of actions that I expected/etc. to cause me to act in reversed or counterproductive/unhealthy ways. If I were in your shoes, I would have make myself immediately available had he wanted to have sex with you (assuming that you were “available”). Again, this would assume that you didn’t have an agreement in place and that you were okay with his masturbating.

Though this may not be the case in your marriage, couples that have different sex drives (most couples) will have sex when they are both desiring to do so and the spouse with the higher sex drive may touch on the “off times” of the other spouse. As long as both spouses have a healthy understanding of their desire/need for each other and find masturbation acceptable, then there is generally no problem. It sounds like there may be some deeper issues that you are dealing with such as your own insecurities of inadequacy, rejection, low esteem, etc. This may be a good opportunity for the two of you to seek some counsel (both on the issue of masturbation being acceptable or not, and each of your insecurities if there are any). I hope this help you. If I can answer/add anything else just ask…Michael

 

[charligirl]

. Why should I give him what he wants when he can't even ask,

This one line speaks volumes about where your feelings are at at the moment. I do understand that this must be incredibly frustrating.

I still think there is something else at play here - have you read 'Wild at Heart' by John Eldridge?? you really should consider it, it is about men, about their hearts and about their need of women. I know I have said this to you in other posts but your dilemma in this thread says it all over again. Men are created to 'rescue' the beauty, to be the knight in shining armour, to protect and love you... in an ideal world and if they were all whole and not damaged.

The problem is that most men are not 'whole' - and nor are the women. If a women is expecting her husband to meet all her needs, and perhaps unwittingly and unconsciously putting demands and expectations on him to fill the holes in her soul - he is unable to do that, he will know he can't do it - no man is up to that, so eventually he will feel inadequate, knowing somehow he's not doing what he should be doing as a 'real man' and this can wear him down and eventually he will often retreat. I think this is often the problem, particularly in the early years of marriage.

I would try and forget about sex, stop focussing on masturbation being the problem - it is mearly a symptom. Start building him up as a man, emotionally, tell him he's your hero and you are so blessed to have him as a husband. Praise and encourage him every day in this things he does - his job, washing up whatever. Thank him for his provision and for taking care of your family - try that for a few weeks without demanding anything in return and you might well see a change in him.

Why should you give him what he can't ask for?? Beause he's your husband and marriage is about giving, it's not a 50:50 thing, but a 100% thing.. and giving when it's hard/you're upset etc is precisely the time when it counts.

 

[cbudc]

Sorry to hear that Melissa. I do know how that feels except the shoe was on the other foot. It always seemed like my wife was never in the mood and it hurt to always feel rejected like that. However, you're saying that you're up for it anytime so I can't understand why he wouldn't take you up on it. Does he make any attempt to be romantic with you or start something up when you guys get in bed? It makes a man feel so good when his wife makes the effort and initiates things. I wish I had better advice for you but all I can tell you is I know how it feels to be rejected by your spouse. It's hard. I hope it gets better with time.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Yikes, well, unlike most women, I touch, a lot more so then I do the thing with my hubby. Partly out of boredom, a lack of self-control, and well, my hubby and I don't do well in the intimacy department. I can certainly understand your feelings of rejection. It might help if some time (not right now) when your feeling cool and collected, act really interested to hear from him why he does it, in a way that makes him feel free to talk about it, not in a way that is going to make him feel like you're angry with him if he tells you, because you don't want him to lie. It really is too bad that he has not listened to your concerns about this, because apparently you have talked and talked about it, yet his actions show that he really does not care about how you feel about it, because he continues. This is very frustrating for women and why we are considered "nags" (hate that word), because the truth is, the hubby doesn't really take our feelings into consideration the first time. It's also too bad if he's using the excuse that you just weren't available, I cannot stand it when my hubby tries to pass blame on me when he doesn't want to own up to something...... obvious, he's in the wrong. I hope you two can work this out. God Bless.

HB

 

[Melbelle]

Sorry to hear that Melissa. I do know how that feels except the shoe was on the other foot. It always seemed like my wife was never in the mood and it hurt to always feel rejected like that. However, you're saying that you're up for it anytime so I can't understand why he wouldn't take you up on it. Does he make any attempt to be romantic with you or start something up when you guys get in bed? It makes a man feel so good when his wife makes the effort and initiates things. I wish I had better advice for you but all I can tell you is I know how it feels to be rejected by your spouse. It's hard. I hope it gets better with time.

When in bed I will try to but he is pushing me away and telling me that he is too tired. Thats why I tell him to ask me when he is ready because I do not want to be rejected. I get the feeling that you men think that your the ones tired of rejection but not all women reject, not when it comes to makeing love to my husband I don't unless its that time and well I'm a little tired of being rejected and well it kinda hurts my feelings.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

It's a matter of selfishness. He knows this upsets and hurts you. As a husband, upsetting and hurting your wife, on purpose with no regard for her feelings, is a failure to be a husband and a man. He's not 16 anymore. It's time for him to have a long talk with his hand. It's been fun, but they have to break up now. Cause there is someone else.

Whether or not there are issues underlying this whole battlefield...that's over my head. But this should hit his denial ridden self in the head and wake him up to the fact that maybe some marriage counseling would be in the best interest of him, you, and his marriage.

If you're cooled off enough, you guys could try to talk about this most recent...occurrence. The trick to good communication is learning to talk things out without exploding. Yo uhave to keep your defenses down and talk things out. Sometimes struggling to explain exactly what you meant or asking him to do so. Often fights happen when someone says something that is misunderstood and the other lashes out. Sometimes the other person brngs to your attention something that bothers them and it has to do with you, or vice versa. This brings the defenses up as well.
Counseling will teach conflict resolution. If anything you could learn stuff that could help your marriage even if he hasn't figured out that he needs to go as well.

As for him...his goal is to become a better husband over time. I believe that this particular issue is a choice between himself or becoming a better husband.

Ahh...I gotta go. heh. I'm off to my therapy appointment!
I guess I got out most of what I was trying to say.

 

[Melbelle]

It's a matter of selfishness. He knows this upsets and hurts you. As a husband, upsetting and hurting your wife, on purpose with no regard for her feelings, is a failure to be a husband and a man. He's not 16 anymore. It's time for him to have a long talk with his hand. It's been fun, but they have to break up now. Cause there is someone else.

Whether or not there are issues underlying this whole battlefield...that's over my head. But this should hit his denial ridden self in the head and wake him up to the fact that maybe some marriage counseling would be in the best interest of him, you, and his marriage.

If you're cooled off enough, you guys could try to talk about this most recent...occurrence. The trick to good communication is learning to talk things out without exploding. Yo uhave to keep your defenses down and talk things out. Sometimes struggling to explain exactly what you meant or asking him to do so. Often fights happen when someone says something that is misunderstood and the other lashes out. Sometimes the other person brngs to your attention something that bothers them and it has to do with you, or vice versa. This brings the defenses up as well.
Counseling will teach conflict resolution. If anything you could learn stuff that could help your marriage even if he hasn't figured out that he needs to go as well.

As for him...his goal is to become a better husband over time. I believe that this particular issue is a choice between himself or becoming a better husband.

Ahh...I gotta go. heh. I'm off to my therapy appointment!
I guess I got out most of what I was trying to say.

LMHO sorry but the first line in your post cracked me up but yet is so true. He called this morning while he was at work to appoligize to me, I forgive him but forgetting it is hard because everytime he does this he calls to appoligize well everytime I forgive him he does it again and well now I'm affraid to even forgive him but I think tonight we are gonna sit and really talk about some help for him and if he don't want to do it for him then maybe he could do it for me. I hate sitting here and just thinking what if it happens again. Thanks for putting a smile on my face about the whole break up with the hand part.

 

[cbudc]

Some people are different from others. I guess that's where it's going to come down to it. I think it's great that you are open to it and ready whenever. Sex plays such a huge role in a marriage IMO. That can lead to conflict if there is a lack of it.

 

[Maxxie28]

Ok, is it just the men here... or do all men think if they touch and their wives see it that we should just jump right in bed w/ them to please them, despite how they make us feel. Come on ppl... you can't really help how something makes you feel and how many of you REALLY want to jump in the sack w/ someone you're angry w/?

I think there are way too many veiled 'this is all your fault' replies in this thread... and the dude who says most women don't touch... my goodness, I only know two women who DON'T touch.

Melissa has every right in the world to be upset... if this were the FIRST time it happened, then making herself available for sex, or even a discussion about how this makes both of them feel w/out getting angry would be ok... but this is a repeat offense and he KNOWS it upsets her... so therefore, it is NOT ok... I don't care how great the physical need of release for a man is... if he has a wife that's willing to go at it whenever he wants, then there is NO NEED for this kind of behavior! PERIOD!

 

[Why?]

When in bed I will try to but he is pushing me away and telling me that he is too tired.

This could be part of the problem. And one that I can identify with. I know that I have been too tired to 'perform' for my husband, but was still in the mood. During those times, of course it crossed my mind that masturbation was just easier. My husband, thankfully understands and what usually follows is mutual touching yourself.

I agree with those people who have said that you two need to sit down and discuss this. There needs to be an open line of communication. I know that society (especially if you were raised in a Christian household) thinks that sex shouldn't be discussed. Well, you're married. If you have hang-ups about sex, I suggest getting over them. You need to find out why he isn't comming to you first... Has he been hurt by rejection? Does he think you are too busy? Or is he just plain tired and wants a quick release? And then work together to solve the problem. And it might mean doing things a little different than 'normal'.

 

[Melbelle]

This could be part of the problem. And one that I can identify with. I know that I have been too tired to 'perform' for my husband, but was still in the mood. During those times, of course it crossed my mind that masturbation was just easier. My husband, thankfully understands and what usually follows is mutual touching yourself.

I agree with those people who have said that you two need to sit down and discuss this. There needs to be an open line of communication. I know that society (especially if you were raised in a Christian household) thinks that sex shouldn't be discussed. Well, you're married. If you have hang-ups about sex, I suggest getting over them. You need to find out why he isn't comming to you first... Has he been hurt by rejection? Does he think you are too busy? Or is he just plain tired and wants a quick release? And then work together to solve the problem. And it might mean doing things a little different than 'normal'.

You know all this sounds great and all but If he was too tired last night then why did he come chaseing me and saying I would much rather have you. Sounds to me he just didn't have faith in me or something I don't know but he knows I'm up for it all the time. Oh and yes I was raised in a christian home and my parents didn't tell me talking about sex was wrong they did all the time Coby and i talk about sex just he needs help cus he is addicted to sex what I mean is not just with me we hardly ever have sex cus he would rather his hand or look at porn and do his busness.

 

[Why?]

You know all this sounds great and all but If he was too tired last night then why did he come chaseing me and saying I would much rather have you.

IMO, he came running after you because you were angry with him. The fact that he came running after you has nothing to do with why he was doing it in the first place. It has has to do with the fact that he loves you and doesn;t want you mad at him.

If he says he too tired to have sex, take that at face value. Masturbation takes a lot less effort than having sex with your spouse. That's what you need to work on. You need to find some 'in-between' ground. Something you two can do together that doesn't cause as much physical exertion, and something that you can do together. Marriage is about compromise, not just one person but both.

 

[Maxxie28]

IMO, he came running after you because you were angry with him. The fact that he came running after you has nothing to do with why he was doing it in the first place. It has has to do with the fact that he loves you and doesn;t want you mad at him.

If he says he too tired to have sex, take that at face value. Masturbation takes a lot less effort than having sex with your spouse. That's what you need to work on. You need to find some 'in-between' ground. Something you two can do together that doesn't cause as much physical exertion, and something that you can do together. Marriage is about compromise, not just one person but both.

I have to ask it... why is SHE the one who has to compromise? He KNOWS it makes her mad... shouldn't the compromise come from him maybe asking her to help him instead of trying to hide it? Why is everyone determined to make it seem like Melissa is in the wrong here?

 

[Melbelle]

I have to ask it... why is SHE the one who has to compromise? He KNOWS it makes her mad... shouldn't the compromise come from him maybe asking her to help him instead of trying to hide it? Why is everyone determined to make it seem like Melissa is in the wrong here?

Thanks, You see that to?