When to start that new life as a single!

[blueguy]

It has not been long now since my husband announced that he was leaving me(yes there is another woman)!

I am at a crossroads ...when do I turn towards that single life...give up wearing my wedding rings...all those things.

I don't know if it is just anger that is fueling this or not.

I wonder if it is God telling me to face reality...it is over!!!

Any insights would be appreciated!

God Bless!

well, you have a long road ahead of you, my advise, take your time, one day at a time...... pray, pray, pray!!

 

[Vivster]

Hope you are hanging in there. As you can see, it will be an up and down "road", and please take it One Day at a Time (like blueguy said).
I've been separated for six months now. Living with my older dauther and her family for the majority of the time. The last two weeks find me in my 5th wheel trailer, because it was time to let my dauther get some air. Unfortunately, I had an apartment arranged and ready to go.
During a brief "good" time between my husband and I, he stated he didn't want me to live in an apartment -- so I cancelled it. Well, of course it got bad again, and he didn't want me to move back in - consequently the 5th wheel.
The reality is, that I left him -- out of fear of his anger issues. , and there have been many women -- one I knew of, when I caught them together is the 5th wheel I'm staying in.
There is not other "man" is my life but the Lord. I've had to keep my eyes focused on Him. Sigh....sometimes I wish there was - ya know, the rescurer.
Now - finally he wants to go to marriage counseling - after six months. I don't really have it in my heart to do it, but I will give it a try.

Prayers for all who are alone now - I pray that Christmas will be filled with people who truly love us, and that we truly love!

Vivster

 

[SearcherKris]

Everyone keeps telling me that....but...I feel so very alone!!

I have no one to share my every day life with like before! You know the little things of life that make it normal! What I did today or what I didn't do or what went right or what didn't go right!

This makes it hard!

But thanks for caring!!

SnowBelle,

I'm so sorry for your pain. First I want to say that you are not ever truely alone. God is with you always. I've grown so much closer to Him since my separation beginning last June.

I'm actually learning how to be single right now. I don't wear my wedding ring because I have a skin condition which effects my fingers. My rings have always caused me problems, so not wearing it was not a big deal. What was a big deal to me was how to relate to other men.

I never learned how to be friends with men. My father was abusive, men in my church were negligent, and I married the first man I felt close to so that I could escape my terrible home life. I've known how to avoid men, and I've known how to be intimate. I never learned how to do anything in between until recently.

I'm starting with learning how to be a daughter to God. I've never learned how to trust a father figure, although I did spend a lot of time day dreaming about it. I'm learning what it is like to be loved in a pure way, and to be kept safe.

I'm also learning how to be friends with men. It started with learning to trust my male therapist (who is a Christian), and now I'm able to meet one on one with my pastor for counseling. I'm learning how to interact with men in a group setting at church and amoung family. These are all pure and genuine relationship. They are safe.

As I learn to navigate amoung men in appropriate ways, I'm also learning that being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. I have my mother, sister, and my children. I also have friends. My pastor gently, yet boldly instructed me that if I want a full and meaningful life, I need to make it full and meaningful. I can't sit around and whine about being alone, and useless. I need to seek out the needs of others and to actively pursue service to others.

For the first time in years, I have confidence. I am feeling less alone now that I did when I was living with my husband. I feel the Lord's presence so much. He's closer than any human can possibly be.

I may or may not date again. I don't know. I'm open to it, but I'm not looking for relationships. Infact, I'm not even divorced yet. Living single does not sound like a bad thing to me. It may or may not include romance. It may end at some point if I marry again. But for now, I'm loving learning how to stand as an individual who is treasured as a child of God. I'm happier than I have been in years, maybe even in my whole life!

 

[SnowBelle]

Yes I am just taking things one day at a time!
Somedays are terribly hard others are not too bad!!
Somedays I am so lonely and want my husband back!
Other days ...I think...who needs a man!! Sorry guys!

I too am learning to live on my own...after all what choice do I have!

I have recently got a job and that is lifting my self-esteem!

God is just so good to me!!

Hang in there everyone...with God we will make it through and come out as better people!
My desire is to Glorify God!!

You are all in my prayers!!

 

[HeliFreak]

I lost my 7 year relationship because of discovered cheating on Dec 19th. We weren't officially married, but had been engaged for some time. I don't know if there really is an answer for any of us that will work for all of us. Although it's early, I find myself wanting to find someone to be with. Maybe just to fill the void that has been left behind.

Although I loved my girl deeply, I've been pushing though things telling myself that the woman I loved would not stray from me, or at least would have shown some remorse when I asked her to work through it.

If this is the case, then I must not even know the person I've been with all of these years. The woman I fell in love with is just in my thoughts. I find myself in a bad place, because I don't even want to date, I just want to find the woman I'm meant to share my life with and get on with it.

I cannot achieve this without dating, and I don't feel like I have the abilty to pick out the right woman for myself. How do you really know when you're ready to move on? How do you know the next person will be right? How do you find it in yourself to trust again when the hurt runs so deep?

 

[dbhost]

It is plenty obvious you are not ready to re enter the dating pool as it were. And that's fine. When my ex wife told me she wanted a divorce, it was over, and no matter what she was not going to change her mind... I got into a divorce recovery group at a local church. I would STRONGLY suggest you get into something like Divorce Care, or Rebuilders.

I have since remarried, and honestly I was not interested in a serious relationship when I met my wife. I was good with meeting friends, hanging out, going to movies and coffee and stuff, but God put someone in my life that I couldn't just keep at a distance...

I wish I could explain better. But don't worry, it gets better. His failure as a man is in NO WAY a reflection of you as a woman. It is HIS failure as a man to live up to his commitment, not any flaw or failure on your part. I know it hurts, but you've got God, and he will never lie to you, or let you down... Hold on for all you are worth... Get out, meet new friends, have fun, and get good with God and yourself. Who knows what the future holds for you better than God anyway?

 

[SearcherKris]

I was thinking about this some more. Professionals have varying opinions of when to get back in the saddle. A christian psychologist, whom I am friends with told me that you should wait at least 6 months after a divorce. DivorceCare recommends 1.5 to 5 years.

Personally, I think that 5 years is a bit long. However, I think each person needs to be in close contact with people who know them well and love (family, church members, ministers) to help them to assess when it would be appropriate to begin dating again.

Each person's situation and heartache can be different. Sometimes it takes a while, and sometimes it does not seem to.

One thing that most people agree on is that if you get into a new relationship before you are completely healed, it's a really bad idea.

 

[Tink04]

I would start off with the belief that you may always be single. Be determined to have the best life that you can without someone there to compliment you.

If you go into a relationship thinking it will help you heal, it's likely to make things worse.

When you feel happy as a single person you can start to think about dating.

 

[SearcherKris]

Hi, Tink.

 

[SearcherKris]

One other tip that is surprisingly helpful for some people is to get a pet.

My DivorceCare leader said that after her divorce, she had a dog, and she depended on that dog a great deal. She told him everything, and she would sit and cry while she petted him in her lap. She says that dog knows everything, and they were solving the world's problems together.

Pet are proven to have therapuetic effects on people who love them. God did a good thing when he gave us animals.

 

[HeliFreak]

My Christian head doctor explained to me that God does not work on our time, and that he does not want me to pass up on the woman God has chosen for me while I "Get Over" the wrong person.

I personally think that there is a lesson in what we're all going through. My girl cheated on me while I was working two jobs to support the family (no kids, but we had pets). Obviously she's not who I thought she was, so who do I have to get over? The Easter Bunny? Santa Claus? They are both as real as who I was in love with.

He helped me write a list of 10 things the next girl needs to have for me to consider dating her. There are two things on the list that can be fudged a little, but it depends greatly on why. The girl I lost had only made 3/10.

I'm not going to give her anymore of MY time on this planet. I'm moving on.

I'm not saying I'm going to go out hunting someone down, but if the right girl comes along, I'm not going to turn her away either.

If he cheated on you, he's not worth your time. Move forward and don't look back. He's not going to change any more than my girl would.

 

[almondrod]

And never forget::::::::::::: The LORD is your husband.
He is the bridegroom
we, the church, are the bride.

Love HIM like a husband, and he will reward you openly.

 

[wpiman2]

I say start being single as soon as possible. It is fun and a great way to heal.

 

[littlenova]

i'm so not ready

 

[SearcherKris]

Other days ...I think...who needs a man!! Sorry guys!

I have had this thought a few times as well! I'm thinking, I've got my kids and a dog. Isn't that enough?

Then other times I think I want someone along side me to help with my kids and be a godly role model for them. I do get lonely from time to time. Last night I was feeling a bit lonely; my kids were away visiting their father. I wonder what will I do with my life when my kids are grown and have their own families. I guess I could get another dog!

 

[littlenova]

I have had this thought a few times as well! I'm thinking, I've got my kids and a dog. Isn't that enough?

Then other times I think I want someone along side me to help with my kids and be a godly role model for them. I do get lonely from time to time. Last night I was feeling a bit lonely; my kids were away visiting their father. I wonder what will I do with my life when my kids are grown and have their own families. I guess I could get another dog!

that could never be enough. i'm actually holding on to the thought that we will remarry,is that messed up thinking or what?? i'm so not dealing with the real world.

 

[SearcherKris]

that could never be enough. i'm actually holding on to the thought that we will remarry,is that messed up thinking or what?? i'm so not dealing with the real world.

Not necessarily messed up. It does happen. Pray, share your heart with God. Rmember that whatever He chooses for you will be wonderful.

 

[JohnDB]

Just don't try to replace that which is no longer there.

Find a "new life".
One that you always wanted to live but haven't yet.

Do something.
We serve the God of all life...When He showed up in human form there wasn't much of life as a human that He didn't live out. He was emotional...laughed and joked and got angry and had a mission.

We...as His children are here to live...and do stuff...
So I live fully and completely.

Laugh so hard that you cry when it is funny.
Cry histerically when it hurts or is sad.
Get angry but don't sin in your anger.
and most importantly.
Love everthing that is good like there is no tomorrow...

 

[littlenova]

i like your attitude john,wish i could feel that way but cant rite now

 

[SnowBelle]

Glad to see this thread continuing on without me...I have not been around for some time.

I don't know if I am comfortable with being in the singles thread or not...my husband has left me and according to him it is over...but I don't want it to be over...I still love him!
So it is hard to know what to think and do right now...some days I give up on it totally and think lets get on with the single new life...other days I just want my marriage back in place...those are the depressing days!!

But must be a good day today...because I am here!

Someone else advised me to get a dog too...but allergies are a prob...and don't like the idea of being tied down...unless I were to get one of those itty bitty ones that you carry in your purse!!

There has been some really good advise on here...keep it coming!!