When to start dating from a Christian standpoint

[David Schilling]

Hello, my name is David, I am new here, I am 14. I joined because I had a question on my mind, and I needed an outside, christian opinion.

So, as with some of you, my parents established a no dating rule (maybe anywhere between no dating til 14-18). For me it is no dating until we are 18 years old. Now a little over a year ago, I went on decided to date a girl I liked despite having a rule against it (it wasn't serious, took it real slow, dated for about 7-9 months didn't even so much as hold hands). I eventually broke it off because I didn't feel right about going behind my parents back and dating her anyway, even after they found out and asked me to end it. (I did, but i kinda didn't mean it so we drifted back to dating again, but then i seriously did break it off for good). It's been about a year since that has happened, and I somewhat agree with my parents decision on the no dating rule but it's been getting harder. My heart wants to be in a relationship with someone. I haven't had my first kiss yet, i haven't even so much as held hands with a girl (again.. 14). And everytime i hug one of my friends (that are girls) I long for that physical (non-sexual) connection with that special someone, and I am torn between my parents decision and my heart, does God want me not to date? Are my parents right? I want to respect their decision because they are my parents but i also want to follow my heart. So now that you have read my story, it brings me to my question. What should I do? And when is it a good time for me to start dating? (P.S I have no intention in engaging in any sexual activity with any person until I am married)

 

[RaymondG]

Honour thy mother and father that your days may be long upon the earth. It's easy to believe you will wait until marriage when you aren't in a serious relationship. If I were you, I'd use this energy to do the best I can in school so I can get a good job as soon as possible so that I can move out from under my parents guardianship as soon as possible. Then you can make your own decisions and only have God to answer to. This is what I did. The age my parents put on me was 16.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

the purpose of dating is to be a vetting process for finding a woman that you will marry. it should never be used as a way to fulfill your sensual desires. God intended for our sexuality to be expressed within the covenant of marriage. you can tell yourself that it's not about sex but if you have enough time alone with someone you're really into one thing will eventually lead to another.

you should, in fact, use this time to be preparing yourself to be a man who will love a woman and support her and your children. until you're ready to do that, you're not ready to be romantically involved with a woman.

I will say that your parents should be telling you to get prepared for marriage rather than stressing a moratorium on dating. they should be telling you what these feelings you're having should be motivating you to prepare for.

 

[Gabe7587]

Im 16, and I have the same desires as for a relationship. Its hard. I know. But, what has really been pressing my heart lately is this: "Follow Jesus and let Jesus do the work". Seek first His kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

I really struggling too. Hang in there.

 

[PollyJetix]

Dating is for one purpose: to find the one to marry.
Not to learn how to get along with the opposite sex.
That happens best in group settings... in families.

In fact, the American style of dating is more of a training ground for divorce, than for marriage.
Think about it.

Very few people marry the first person they date.
So, they put on their best behavior (fake), fall in love, and start helping themselves to varying degrees of physical liberties, from holding hands, and hugging and kissing, to the other end of the spectrum, fornication.
(Kissing is only an appetizer--come on, admit it!)

So, two people get involved emotionally and physically... and then break up.
There is a lot of emotional fallout.
Lots of pain.
And it is a tiny bit like the pain of divorce.
It's loss of love, betrayal, treachery, etc.

And then, they try to get over it, and go find someone else to do the same thing all over with...
Why???

This is the pattern of divorce. Not marriage.

Real training for marriage would look a lot different.
It would involve observing successful marriages and asking to be taught by them.
It would involve observing unsuccessful marriages, and... avoiding what obviously doesn't work.
It would involve serious and honest self-assessment and personal change of habits.
It would involve learning how to honor the opposite sex. (in all situations)

This doesn't happen in the modern dating scene.
Dating isn't about marriage.
It's practicing how to divorce.

So, what to do, to find a good marriage partner?
Wait until you're ready to marry.
I mean it.
Dating is a spiritual and emotional minefield!
Avoid it as much as possible.

When you are truly ready to marry, Look for the qualities that would make a truly good husband or wife. Look deeper than appearances. Look for character. Look for patterns of behavior. Watch interactions.

Don't look outside of the group you want to be your core spiritual base.
This is for the health of your future home.
A common spiritual foundation is very important.

Get involved in group activities in your core group.
Activities where you can observe those of the opposite sex interacting.
Activities in which you can interact with them... and when a friendship naturally develops...

That's the best way to find your future partner.

From that point, in America, you probably will have to date.
But be careful with the physical stuff. Because it plays havoc with the ability to reason.
And if it doesn't work out, that girl will become some other man's wife.
Or that man will become some other woman's husband.

Have you ever heard a man say, "Oh, I'm so thankful my wife learned how to kiss, with_____?
Of course not.
And no wise wife ever said, "I'm thankful my husband exposed himself to herpes at college, with his former girlfriend!"

God's intention of marriage is that no one else should intrude into the bedroom, with the couple.
But every former kissing, embracing, "making-out" partner is there, as an unseen ghost.

Just skip making those ghosts.
You won't regret it.

 

[pdudgeon]

one of the biggest reasons why parents restrict teenage dating before graduation is the fear of teen-age pregnancy.
the reasoning behind the restriction is that the fewer opportunities for close encounters, the better the chance that their kids will be able to remain in school and graduate.

What they forget to do while waiting for that day to arrive is to teach their kids about the psychological bonds that are formed in bf/gf relationships (and which the kids are NOT thinking about) as well as the burden of subsequent obligations that they would encounter as a result of those relationships many years before they are mentally or fiscally able to handle them while still in school.

one slip up can have a drastic effect on the rest of your life, and close doors that you aren't even thinking of yet.

another reason is that those relationships do indeed form bonds between the couple, just as they are designed to do.

Those bonds are there for the purpose of strengthening and uniting the couple so that they are able to form a cohesive and stable unit in which to nurture a family and to protect their children.
That's what marriage is all about.

The problem comes with this happening in the teen years is because the teens aren't yet ready to form those stable bonds since they're still discovering who they are as individuals (self-identity) and not just as children of their parents.
The teens first need to discover what they believe, what they like or dislike, and why. So naturally everything that their parents believe and have taught their kids will come under the magnifying glass
to be examined and either accepted as their own beliefs or rejected.

When as a result of that examination that teen's individual identity is formed, then they have the personal solid bedrock foundation on which to form a union together at a later time with another person in marriage.

sorry this is so long, but those are basically the reasons behind your parent's decision regarding dating.

 

[Another Lazarus]

(P.S I have no intention in engaging in any sexual activity with any person until I am married)

You are not even able to make money and to stand on your own foot, just make friends, many friends and engaged with their activity to avoid boredom.

 

[PollyJetix]

You mourn the fact that you haven't even had your first kiss, unlike many of your friends.
But do you mourn the fact that you haven't yet had sex, unlike many of your friends?

You see, trying to have new experiences, to be like your friends, is slippery ground.
There will always be experiences some of your friends have had, that you haven't had.
That doesn't mean you are missing out.

As a Christian, you are called to live differently than the way most kids live.
You are called to live pure. Not only physically pure, but emotionally pure. Mentally pure.

And you can't remain mentally and emotionally pure, if you have your mind and heart set on experiencing everything your friends do.

Your parents love you. And they were both teenagers once. They know better than you do, what is good for the long haul. They want you to have a good life.

And not dating until you are old enough to marry... it might seem out of step with what the world does... but it's so much wiser, in light of not only eternity, but also in light of adulthood.

Your parents love you.
And they are wiser than you are.
Therefore, honor their rules for you.

I know, it doesn't feel good.
Nor does it feel good to stop with just kissing.
Trust me.

 

[SkyWriting]

Hello, my name is David, I am new here, I am 14. I joined because I had a question on my mind, and I needed an outside, christian opinion.

So, as with some of you, my parents established a no dating rule (maybe anywhere between no dating til 14-18). For me it is no dating until we are 18 years old. Now a little over a year ago, I went on decided to date a girl I liked despite having a rule against it (it wasn't serious, took it real slow, dated for about 7-9 months didn't even so much as hold hands). I eventually broke it off because I didn't feel right about going behind my parents back and dating her anyway, even after they found out and asked me to end it. (I did, but i kinda didn't mean it so we drifted back to dating again, but then i seriously did break it off for good). It's been about a year since that has happened, and I somewhat agree with my parents decision on the no dating rule but it's been getting harder. My heart wants to be in a relationship with someone. I haven't had my first kiss yet, i haven't even so much as held hands with a girl (again.. 14). And everytime i hug one of my friends (that are girls) I long for that physical (non-sexual) connection with that special someone, and I am torn between my parents decision and my heart, does God want me not to date? Are my parents right? I want to respect their decision because they are my parents but i also want to follow my heart. So now that you have read my story, it brings me to my question. What should I do? And when is it a good time for me to start dating? (P.S I have no intention in engaging in any sexual activity with any person until I am married)

The physical thing is that your hormone levels leap due to physical contact.
Some body chemistries are very sensitive to touch, others not so much.
You might be fine with it, or you may be the addictive type that one backrub
and you turn to jelly and can't stop until you end up pregnant.

There is no easy way to learn about yourself, so always take the physical aspect
of dating VERY slow, and pay attention. Being pregnant is no fun at any age.
But inside a committed relationship, you can find joy.

 

[Greg J.]

@David Schilling, define dating as "spending time with someone you like." The one, and very big catch, is that if you spend time with someone you are attracted to, you will discover it is wonderful and you'll want more. The more you get, the more you will want. It might start by holding hands. A point can easily come at which what you want is more powerful than what you think is best, at which point you have lost control of yourself, and therefore control of continuing to do only good, and not sin. Hence, one reason God has commanded us to be content with what we have. If we have an overwhelming desire for something, giving in to it only fuels it, rather than satisfies it.

What you wrote proves this. You stumbled even though you knew it was wrong. Whenever you do that, it becomes easier to do what feels good instead of what your parents (and eventually God) wants, AND what you want. (That's why it is called self-discipline and why it is a priceless attribute to have.) How you choose to behave now will affect how easy and hard it is to choose how to behave in the future. If you are not able to discipline yourself now, you may well end up getting married some day and discover you really wish you had that self-discipline, because getting married doesn't give it to you. Furthermore, at that time, to the degree you lack self-discipline is the degree to which you will suffer, because the urges will still be the same (in this case, for other women). While you will have greater incentive to not act on them, that does nothing to curb the urges. If you have been staying true to what is right practicing self-discipline for years, then you will be able to dismiss those urges and they won't be able to gain a foothold to make you struggle with them. If you have predisposition to addiction (something which you have no choice about), then dismissing those urges might not be easy, but that means it is even more important to not indulge in them.

 

[David Schilling]

@RaymondG @THE W @Gabe7587 @PollyJetix @pdudgeon @Greg J. @SkyWriting @Another Lazarus Thank you all for your help. This really does help a lot. I will still have these urges but i'm glad that resisting them isn't wrong. And I know that the Lord will provide me a partner one day! Thank you all so much

 

[SkyWriting]

@RaymondG @THE W @Gabe7587 @PollyJetix @pdudgeon @Greg J. @SkyWriting @Another Lazarus Thank you all for your help. This really does help a lot. I will still have these urges but i'm glad that resisting them isn't wrong. And I know that the Lord will provide me a partner one day! Thank you all so much

We don't know what God has in store for your relationships.
Getting closer with God is the answer though.