When the feeling isn't exactly mutual...

[fluffy_rainbow]

I need alot of prayer, you guys. I have always somewhere deep down inside harbored feelings for my friend. You may remember him from my other post about asking his forgiveness for being so unladylike. I spoke with him last Thursday night and it went very well (Praise God!). He accepted my apology and then told me that he was never offended by my actions and that he didn't think any less of me. He was very happy to hear that I am trying to turn my life around. We ended up talking for almost an hour after that about Thanksgiving dinner, making the "perfect" mashed potatoes, and relationships. He told me that he's tired of dating because relationships just take so much out of him. He says that he invests alot emotionally into them and when they don't work out it takes alot for him to get over them. In the almost five years that I have known him, he's only had one relationship with a girl who was the younger sister of one of our co-workers. They met at a company picnic and started a long distance relationship. She was 11 years his junior and attending college in Florida. They broke up after a year. It was hard for him, but I think she was a little too young for him and wanted to pursue a more "college party" life and he is looking to settle down (he's 30). He says he wishes God would just show him the woman for him. Someone he knows and doesn't have to be fake around. I want to shake him and say "Hello?! Look! She's looking you in the eyes right now!"

Now, maybe I'm reading way too much into the situation but I have to wonder if God has a bigger plan. There is obviously a reason my relationships since I've known him haven't worked and neither have his. When we were working together I got engaged to a man I met through work. It was a silly move on my part, but this was right after 9-11 and everyone was in the "why wait when this could be our last days on earth?" mindset. My friend was very upset. We had words after work the day I told him I accepted this guy's proposal. He stormed away upset and I quit my job the following week. He now jokes with me about that and says, "I bet you thought I was jealous, huh?". In all honesty, I thought that was partially the reason he got so angry. I dunno. I just keep praying that if this is not God's will to please take these feelings away from me. It's just so difficult when all of the green lights are there for a successful courtship; extensive friendship, identical values in regard to sexual purity, family values, the desire for a courtship, strong Christian values, close with each other's families. It all fits. The problem? He acts like he's halfway interested in me, but really isn't. He's vague. We'll laugh and cut-up, mildly flirt, have lengthy conversations, etc. but he is either not interested in me that way, or he's too afraid to say anything.

I guess as the years pass and my feelings deepen it gets more difficult for me to surrender this to God. I pray that if it is God's will that we be together that He will soften this guy's heart, but it's so hard when it seems so obvious and yet this guy seems so clueless.

 

[Jakobray]

Just be careful. I would tell you to guard your heart, but I'm thinking your heart has already been given away . This seems to be my advice in just about every post, but I think you just need to talk to him about it. If you really feel that God is pushing you in this guy's direction, I don't know if you have a choice but to act on it. Just be careful in assuming that this is God. U need to make sure that you are praying about this and not just blundering into something which could potentially hurt you both. Just my 2 cents

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Thank you for your advice. In a sense, I feel that there may be something more to it; however, just because all of the proper elements are in place doesn't mean it's God's will. I am open to God letting the right person into my life, even if it isn't my friend. I'm just trying really hard not to obsess over it, i.e., dreaming about being married, fantasizing about having a relationship with this guy, thinking I "own" him, etc.

What scares me is that he'll meet someone. I know that it hurt me when he met the girl he had the LDR with, but...I was in a long-term relationship myself so I didn't feel so hurt. But now that I refuse to be in a relationship that isn't of God, I know it may take me me awhile and I'm terrified he will meet another girl and then not only will I be left out, but I'll also lose a great friend (as it probably wouldn't be too kosher for him to be hanging out with me all the time). I know it sounds so selfish. God forgive me. I just want God's will to be done.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Sometimes it's hard for us to see the right thing has been right in front of our faces all along.... I wonder if God feels this way sometimes when He makes His presence awfully obvious, yet we choose to ignore or just don't "get it."

So I guess I don't really know what to say as far as advice (honestly in your situation, I would be VERY reluctant to speak up for fear of changing the friendship for the worse), but I will be praying for you and for him I do believe that if you guys together is really God's best, then it will work out. And, if it is not God's best, then He has a better plan in mind.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

I wonder if God feels this way sometimes when He makes His presence awfully obvious, yet we choose to ignore or just don't "get it."

Reps for that comment! I agree.

I won't say anything to him, mainly because if he doesn't feel this is right for him or if he's not sure I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. I thank you for your prayers.

 

[Jaegang72]

hello fluffy rainbow



1) He likes your company but sees you as a friend. More like a plutonic relationship but just a little bit of flirt. He already said very clearly when you went clubbing that he wasn't interested in you like that to try and protect you.

2) There is no point in handing over the thing to God and asking him to remove the feelings if it's not from Him. You are obviously crazy about this guy.

3) The longer you stay in your current position, the more pain you will have. What you guys both have is a that of a true bgr relationship. You guys are enjoying the trapings of all male-female relationship except that it's not the same. Now such a relationship is nice to have BUT one side will inevitably get burned to crisp. The longer it continues the more burnt one is gonna get.

4) My advice is to talk to him. Don't say you love him. Say that you are confused over the whole relationship. Say, that you think the boundaries of the relationship seem to have blurred and that you need space and ask him not to think that you are upset with him if you do not contact him. After this, do not contact him at all. Stay away.. the amount of time you need away depends on how close you guys have got. The closer you are, the longer you need to get yourself together.

5) I am sorry if the advice seems harsh but it is the only way you are gonna survive this emotionally. And I am speaking from experience. I suggest also if you might wanna look at the book Boundaries in relationship by Townsend(surname)

JAE

 

[Tuffguy]

I got along with this girls for 8 months. It took her 8 months to finally break down and go out w/me. I've never had any kind of problem getting a girl that i get along VERY well with, to date me. So this one was a real ego squasher.
The best part is that, no that we are dating we get along better then i ever thought 2 people could. Its just great.
I'm not saying that your relationship will work out, but you never know. Prepare for the worst and expect the best.

 

[Jakobray]

In a sense, I feel that there may be something more to it; however, just because all of the proper elements are in place doesn't mean it's God's will. I am open to God letting the right person into my life, even if it isn't my friend. I'm just trying really hard not to obsess over it, i.e., dreaming about being married, fantasizing about having a relationship with this guy, thinking I "own" him, etc.

I think that you are a lot wiser then u give urself credit for. Don't let the desire of a GODly relationship give Satan a place to start a foothold on your heart. You seem like you already have a pretty good idea of this. Not obsessing over someone who you almost "Know" is the right one is really incredibly hard. Good luck and I will try praying for you.

 

[Living4Him03]

Don't I know what you're going through! I know how you feel. I have a friend like that, but all you can really do is just pray about it. What's hard for me is lately my guy friends have been talking about how they want a woman, how they want to get married and wish God would bring them someone right now. It's hard for me to hear. Especially from one of them. I do know that if they did date me it would just be because they really want a girlfriend/wife, not because either of them is really that interested or ever will be. Still it's hard to hear. It's like they are saying well if there were any other girls in the world out there besides YOU that liked me I'd go out with them. It's like gee thanks. It's frustrating. I want a guy to like me and to want to pursue me, to have a crush on me, to be genuinely interested in me! How often does this happen? Never. But I'm not as anxious as many of my friends. I'd say pray about it. If you really think this guy could be the one pray that God will make you into the woman he needs, and that if you're not it and someone else would be better, that He'll send her his way when His timing is right. That's all you can really do in this situation.

 

[boilerblues]

I'm really pretty sick and tired of the whole man/woman dating dance. Both sides are frustrated by the other and no one really knows what to do about their situation. Sometimes I think that prearranged marriages would be a great way to go. But then I'm reminded that if God gave us easy answers for everything in life we wouldn't need faith and we wouldn't need Him. Few of us go through real persecution, but affairs of the heart are one way that God can really pierce our heart and make us trust Him.

When it comes to women I suffer from terminal niceness, I'm the living epitome of Charlie Brown. To the women in my life I'm thought of as a great friend or a great brother, but the only ones that take a deeper interest are the ones I try to avoid. I'm honored to be thought of in high esteem by some great sisters, but it is frustrating sometimes. I've found lately that my heart has taken interest in adorable young lady who I'm very much a big brother to. I've wrestled with this interest a lot because she is a fantastic woman, but I don't want to endanger the relationship we have now. After wrestling with it this weekend I really feel this isn't the Lord's will right now and I need to take steps to protect the brother-sister relationship we have. I have to maintain good boundries with my sisters to protect them from me developing an interest that isn't from God.

The thing I've found, especially as a man who has to put it all on the line to initiate the relationship, is that I have to trust the Lord for each step I take. It's not wrong for me to take an interest in any single, Godly woman and I do feel it's a complement to them that I find them someone I would be interested in having a relationship with (not to be full of myself, but I set very high standards for someone I'll allow myself to be interested in). But I have to take that interest to the Lord and let Him guide each step. Though I'm frustrated now, I have to trust that He has a good gift He wants to give me some day. I need to be fully satisfied in Him before He can share my heart with a special lady without turning away from Him. I don't know when or how, but I trust that the Lord will lead me to that special lady some day and He will let me know what to do at that time.

I have no answers for anyone else, that's the best I've been able to figure out for myself.

 

[Jakobray]

Honestly I think that Boiler makes a great point. I think that relying on the Lord Step by step is a great idea. in fact i think that it is the only way

 

[KeilCoppes]

I'm just trying really hard not to obsess over it.... .... What scares me is that he'll meet someone.

Your working is in the right direction, and necessary even if something comes to pass. God needs to be first as well you know. And yet, one of the hardest things to do is trust that God _truly_ has it in his hands while still working to do the right thing. You shouldn't be scared that he'll meet someone, though. Do you truly believe that God has your best interests at heart? You need to. And when you do, the fear will go as well.

 

[Jakobray]

God needs to be first as well you know. And yet, one of the hardest things to do is trust that God _truly_ has it in his hands while still working to do the right thing. You shouldn't be scared that he'll meet someone, though. Do you truly believe that God has your best interests at heart? You need to. And when you do, the fear will go as well.

God has your best interests at heart... I think we could alllearn something from this post. I think that 90% of posts in this forum could be helped by just this post. God loves you and he wants you to be happy. Good post

 

[charligirl]

hello fluffy rainbow



1) He likes your company but sees you as a friend. More like a plutonic relationship but just a little bit of flirt. He already said very clearly when you went clubbing that he wasn't interested in you like that to try and protect you.

2) There is no point in handing over the thing to God and asking him to remove the feelings if it's not from Him. You are obviously crazy about this guy.

3) The longer you stay in your current position, the more pain you will have. What you guys both have is a that of a true bgr relationship. You guys are enjoying the trapings of all male-female relationship except that it's not the same. Now such a relationship is nice to have BUT one side will inevitably get burned to crisp. The longer it continues the more burnt one is gonna get.

4) My advice is to talk to him. Don't say you love him. Say that you are confused over the whole relationship. Say, that you think the boundaries of the relationship seem to have blurred and that you need space and ask him not to think that you are upset with him if you do not contact him. After this, do not contact him at all. Stay away.. the amount of time you need away depends on how close you guys have got. The closer you are, the longer you need to get yourself together.

5) I am sorry if the advice seems harsh but it is the only way you are gonna survive this emotionally. And I am speaking from experience. I suggest also if you might wanna look at the book Boundaries in relationship by Townsend(surname)

JAE

Very well said!! I too have been here and I can tell you that God doesn't take emotions away - you have to make that choice yourself. I spent 5 years praying every day 'Lord if it's not right take these emotions away', well He didn't so I figured it must be right.

I finally got to the point where I said 'Lord take these emotions away UNLESS it's right' A very diferent prayer because this time I had had enough I finally used my free will to actually want out of it - rather than willing it to happen all the time and asking God to take it away as some sort of sign when really I desperately wanted it so I clung to them.

It actually wasn't right by the way.

I came to the point after about 4 years where I had to know, I couldn't waste any more time waiting for something that might never happen. So I spoke to him, to set boundaries and ask him outright if he throught we should at least pray about the relationship. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and I felt physically sick. He agreed to pray, he gave me some hope - he came back to say that he couldn't take it further - maybe in the future but not no, the think the exact words were 'the door is shut but not locked'!

The trouble was that I wedged my foot in the door and continued to believe it was right. We continued as friends (we were best friends). Over the months if the subject ever came up he said he didn't want me to wait for him to sort homeself out as it might never happen... I was happy to wait! Another year goes by, and we end up in a deep talk where he said 'Do you not think that IF this was God he would have told me by now? - I feel nothing for you by friendship, no other spark'

Well that was the crunch - I finally came to the end of myself and somehow swtiched off, which is when I prayed 'Lord TAKE IT AWAY' if it was right He could have given it back.

This man was my Issac - but there was no ram to replace it this time.

My feelings died in that way that very night - we are still great friends though.

long story but I know where you are at. My advice is that you must speak to him to establish boundaries and find out once and for all if this man is worth waiting for - yes it might be painful if it's no, but at least you can move on.

 

[KeilCoppes]

....really I desperately wanted it so I clung to them.

This man was my Issac .....

Exactly. Whether single or married, this is where God has us. The deepest desires of our heart - we need to submit them to God, basically by putting them on the altar for his judgement. What is it in our life that we won't submit to God? That is our idol. The "I won'ts" and "I can't"s of will, those point directly.

And yet, submitting to God in this doesn't mean that we don't act in faith. Locking yourself in a house far away from everyone until God throws someone through the window isn't an act of faith, it's an act of retreat and a refusal to risk. It's a harder thing to do than despairing or retreating, but true faith gives the result to God for good or ill, and then goes on responsibly to do what's right to the best of its ability.


"I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the increase." 1 Cor 3:6

 

[flymonkey]

Very well said!! I too have been here and I can tell you that God doesn't take emotions away - you have to make that choice yourself. I spent 5 years praying every day 'Lord if it's not right take these emotions away', well He didn't so I figured it must be right.

I finally got to the point where I said 'Lord take these emotions away UNLESS it's right' A very diferent prayer because this time I had had enough I finally used my free will to actually want out of it - rather than willing it to happen all the time and asking God to take it away as some sort of sign when really I desperately wanted it so I clung to them.

It actually wasn't right by the way.

I came to the point after about 4 years where I had to know, I couldn't waste any more time waiting for something that might never happen. So I spoke to him, to set boundaries and ask him outright if he throught we should at least pray about the relationship. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and I felt physically sick. He agreed to pray, he gave me some hope - he came back to say that he couldn't take it further - maybe in the future but not no, the think the exact words were 'the door is shut but not locked'!

The trouble was that I wedged my foot in the door and continued to believe it was right. We continued as friends (we were best friends). Over the months if the subject ever came up he said he didn't want me to wait for him to sort homeself out as it might never happen... I was happy to wait! Another year goes by, and we end up in a deep talk where he said 'Do you not think that IF this was God he would have told me by now? - I feel nothing for you by friendship, no other spark'

Well that was the crunch - I finally came to the end of myself and somehow swtiched off, which is when I prayed 'Lord TAKE IT AWAY' if it was right He could have given it back.

This man was my Issac - but there was no ram to replace it this time.

My feelings died in that way that very night - we are still great friends though.

long story but I know where you are at. My advice is that you must speak to him to establish boundaries and find out once and for all if this man is worth waiting for - yes it might be painful if it's no, but at least you can move on.

Wowzers...just what I needed to hear! Thanks for sharing!