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When the dream came alive….

Discussion in 'Confessional, Covenantal, Creedal - Presbyterian' started by dimik205, Oct 29, 2019.

  1. dimik205

    dimik205 New Member

    United States
    In 2015, I began struggling with my existence and went threw a mental hell for two years. I was scared. I loved my life and I enjoyed it, but I felt like I was leading people to hell.I always had a dream of being debutant of sorts. I wanted to be a public figure.

    God came to me in 2017 and showed me my future. He said, "I will always love you no matter what… and you're only ever going to get what you want. You just need to calm down and keep going on your path… and don't you worry about that boy, he's still figuring himself out."

    I did the exact opposite. I jumped ship on my life, I spent all of my money, I threw my wallet in a fire, I went completely psychotic. I destroyed everything. I obsessed over the boy. I freaked out. I didn't go to school like I wanted to. I destroyed every meaningful relationship...

    I'm scared… all of those things were in God's will for me… He wanted me to be an artist, to be with that boy…
    I pray. "Bring him back." "Restore my life." "I got scared" "I freaked out"

    I want to blame God, had the fear not have come up or had I not had that conversation with God that sent my ego through the roof… I wouldn't have destroyed everything…
    Plus the whole reason I was going to school was to find love, and God told me who it was, soI put the brakes on my life…

    I became not me…
    Now I'm two years in the future, broke, homeless, no one wants anything to do with me because I destroyed me…
    I just want everything to go back to normal..
    I was surrounded and stood on a foundation of love and support and now all of my sin has backed me into a corner. I've been in and out of mental health hospitals because I've been screaming suicide and my heart is broken. I just want my life back.
    I know better than to say "This was all part of God's plan." Because he showed me his plan. He told me flat out what I needed to do, which was everything I wanted to do. But like a brat, I threw it back in his face, not because it wasn't good enough, but because I thought I had to do other things with the spiritual gifts he gave me, with the life he gave me.

    I'm broken. I'm traumatized.
    I just need help. I need a car. I need mental health. I need meaning again.

    I threw away everything I could ask for OVER ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

    I miss my friends. I'm lost in the cold. And I'm tired of this [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. my [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. the world's [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse].

    I was so bright that I barely had a shadow after god filled my heart with the light of christ. Now I'm caked in darkness… I used to light up the room and fill it with joy….
    There's a band coming to town. My favorite band.
    My ex is going to be there… I'm scared I'll go there and he's just going to turn the other way, when I want him to remember me for me and not the monster I became...

    I'm broke and yada yada yada…
    I'm putting it God's hands. Like a Cinderella story…

    If the ticket shows up, I'll take it.
    If the shoes show up, I'll wear them.
    If the chariot pulls up, I'll get in.
    If my light comes back twice as strong, I will shine for Christ and God brighter than ever before.

    I will light up this whole world in His name.

    I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I wasn't in my right head space.

    I want and need restoration. I need the pieces to fall into place.
    I want everyone that I used to call friend, call me friend again, lover, etc.
    I don't know how many times I have to fall, screaming and begging on my knees. I'm tired of crying and being sad. I just want to make people happy again.
    And I know God can restore anything everything and bring it back and more, but I just am so lost… I have no idea what to do, except leave it all in His hands.
    He's done it once, he can do it again.

    Please. I need prayer. All of it. As passionately, strong, and intentional as you can make it.
    Thank you.
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. tim hu

    tim hu New Member

    Isaiah 40: 28. Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
    29. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
    30. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
    31. but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.