When making a request

[LovebirdsFlying]

I started a thread some time ago on the notion that people say one thing and mean another. "I don't want any fuss for my birthday" translates to, "If you don't make a big doggone fuss for my birthday, I'll never speak to you again." Then people like me come along, who say what we mean, and they don't believe I actually don't want any fuss for my birthday.

So, I have phrases I say when I'm making a request. It seems pretty straightforward to me, but a lot of people haven't been able to crack the code.

1. "Can you...." means I am asking if you have the ability to do something without too much of a hassle. If it would cause you pain or be a major inconvenience, it's OK if the answer is no.

2. "Will you...." means I want to know if you would do it in good spirits. While I would appreciate at least hearing a reason for saying no, it's still OK. I'll do it myself, or find someone else to help me with it. By the way, having an obvious scowl on your face, while muttering under your breath, is doing it "grudgingly," not "willingly." If you feel that way, I'd rather you just say no.

3. "Do you want to...." means I am asking whether you have the desire to do it. I have no strong preference one way or the other, and would gladly accept any answer.

4. "I need you to please...." means this is something I can't do for myself, but life would be better for me if it were done. Unless the matter is urgent, it doesn't have to be right now, but I do need your help in some way.

My problem comes in because sometimes when I say one of the first three, my husband reacts as if he heard #4, AND he seems to think I expect it this very minute. I understand that there are people who say "can you" or "do you want to" when they mean "do it or else." They think it's polite to ask rather than give a direct order, but you thought it was a question, silly you, and now they're going to pitch a fit because you didn't do it. I don't play that game. I taught my children from the beginning that if I ask them if they want to do something, the option is theirs. If I weren't willing to take no for an answer, I'd just tell them to do it. They were my children long before he was my husband, so I'd understand if he doesn't realize, I really am asking, not demanding.

Is this a common breakdown in communication? Any advice on making it clearer that it is OK to say no, or not now?

 

[Paidiske]

I would certainly tend to "read" 1 and 2 there as a softer variant of 4.

I would tend to phrase those as something more like, "How would you feel about..." and I've even been known to say something like, "It's totally okay to say no to this, it doesn't matter that much to me, but just wondering how you would feel about..."

For what it's worth, I think you have good boundaries and, within them, are being very clear, but so many people have poor boundaries that we tend to assume that in the way we decode requests or questions.

 

[snoochface]

I would just say it straight up. "It's okay to say no to this, I just wanted to see how you'd feel about ...... " If he's having trouble knowing what you mean, say it explicitly so there's no confusion.

 

[ShaulHaTarsi]

I started a thread some time ago on the notion that people say one thing and mean another. "I don't want any fuss for my birthday" translates to, "If you don't make a big doggone fuss for my birthday, I'll never speak to you again." Then people like me come along, who say what we mean, and they don't believe I actually don't want any fuss for my birthday.

So, I have phrases I say when I'm making a request. It seems pretty straightforward to me, but a lot of people haven't been able to crack the code.

1. "Can you...." means I am asking if you have the ability to do something without too much of a hassle. If it would cause you pain or be a major inconvenience, it's OK if the answer is no.

2. "Will you...." means I want to know if you would do it in good spirits. While I would appreciate at least hearing a reason for saying no, it's still OK. I'll do it myself, or find someone else to help me with it. By the way, having an obvious scowl on your face, while muttering under your breath, is doing it "grudgingly," not "willingly." If you feel that way, I'd rather you just say no.

3. "Do you want to...." means I am asking whether you have the desire to do it. I have no strong preference one way or the other, and would gladly accept any answer.

4. "I need you to please...." means this is something I can't do for myself, but life would be better for me if it were done. Unless the matter is urgent, it doesn't have to be right now, but I do need your help in some way.

My problem comes in because sometimes when I say one of the first three, my husband reacts as if he heard #4, AND he seems to think I expect it this very minute. I understand that there are people who say "can you" or "do you want to" when they mean "do it or else." They think it's polite to ask rather than give a direct order, but you thought it was a question, silly you, and now they're going to pitch a fit because you didn't do it. I don't play that game. I taught my children from the beginning that if I ask them if they want to do something, the option is theirs. If I weren't willing to take no for an answer, I'd just tell them to do it. They were my children long before Mike was my husband, so I'd understand if he doesn't realize, I really am asking, not demanding.

Is this a common breakdown in communication? Any advice on making it clearer that it is OK to say no, or not now?

When my wife makes a request from me, I pay less attention to the words she uses and more attention to the tone, situation, and subject matter.

For example, "Can you open this jar" essentially means "Unless you can help me open this jar, I won't be able to make dinner".

Essentially, I perceive any request to be that, a request, and something to be evaluated regarding what the request is, whether I can do it, and how important it may be for her.

I would also suggest replacing do you want with do you like. To my ears, "do you want" means "I really want, and it would be nice if you wanted to do that too, but if you don't want to do it, I'll only be mildly disappointed".