When he does something wrong..

[Yitzchak]

So how do you handle it if your husband repeatedly does something he KNOWS is wrong? Example: Your husband stays up all night looking at porn on the internet. He's a Christian, he's sorry, he confesses it and apologizes. But it happens consistantly, some months more often than others, but consistantly. How do you handle it? Do you forigve him, tell you love and him and you'll keep encouraging him to do right and praying for him? Do you yell and scream and sleep on the couch? Do you erase all his stuff off the computer (not necessarily bad stuff- but all his stuff)? How does a Christian couple deal with something like that? Any advice?

You approach him at a neutral time and suggest going to counseling or a marriage seminar because you would like to work on the relationship together to make it better.
In that context, you bring up issues like that at the right time. It is put in the proper context of a mutual effort to make the relationship better.

 

[Yitzchak]

Well, for your particular example, I would encourage him to get counseling of some sort, either from a pastor or professionally, since he's obviously having trouble getting over the problem on his own. I would let him know how important it is to me that he try to overcome the problem behavior, and if it did seem like he was trying to make an effort, then I would try to encourage and support him in that.

I agree with this except that it ought to be the two of you both getting counseling and not just him. I would also put it in the context of the overall relationship and not just this particular problem.

 

[Andy Broadley]

Telling a guy something that he (more than likely) already knows, in a negative tone, is the equivalent to nagging or lecturing.

NO guy wants this from his wife.

But most of us get it anyway, and have figured out that the easiest way to deal with it is to take it. Try doing it back to them though......

 

[Gerry_NY]

Sometimes husbands do foolish things. But, I feel that a wife who belittles him or comments negatively isn't edifying her husband. You tell him how you feel, in love. Instead of calling him a "bonehead", tell him that he should watch his speed more carefully next time. You don't want to be portrayed as a naggy wife or a wife that feels her husband can't mess up without being treated as if he were a child.

Yes, you don't feel like being the kind person that you are when he flubs up...but you know what? We all flub up. We all have our moments where we get our own "speeding tickets". And when that happens, we usually don't like it when someone starts telling us how much of a fool we are.

Husbands and wives are teammates. They are there to support the other (hopefully without prejudice), through good and bad. They work together. That's how they are kept strong. But, if one party just needs to make the other feel bad for making mistakes, the team starts to fall apart. And God doesn't want that.
Here is a link that my wife found helpful: http://www.reviveourhearts.com/interact/husband.htm

 

[Silent Enigma]

But if he's trying something out, or like trying to help around the house (or with our daughter, for instance), I do tell him that "whatever he's doing" isn't the best way, I usually do it "this way" and it works better for me. But I try to say it in a positive manner, so he won't think I'm attacking him or anything!

Oh man. Never do that to a man. There's this family we visit and the wife is ALWAYS correcting her husband. Any story he tells or whatever. There's a lot of tension in that home. In that type of situation in order for a man to retain his manhood, he ends up having to be a bossy brute. Not saying your situation is like this but you've got to keep that in mind.

 

[Sharae]

I was just thinking.......maybe 'let him/her who is without sin cast the first stone?' I was really disappointed with myself when, as a young wife, I caught myself doing the very thing I'd whinged at hubby for doing! Shock, horror - we're all capable of being real idiots sometimes LOL! I baked a pie, called it humble, and we had great fun eating it and picking up on each other's 'nag habbits'....that was many years ago, but every time I get tempted to point out a 'mistake' 'fault' 'bad habit' etc, I first think about how I'd feel if he did it to me and 9.9 times out of 10 I think I wouldn't appreciate it, so I just remind myself that 'love covers a multitude of sins' and that I actually love the man I'm with, not the one I wish he'd become. lol - I was really quite relieved when I discovered that it wasn't in my job description as a wife to point out the error of his ways. But seriously......I figure that since only Christ is perfect and the rest of us are all still work-in-progress anyway, it's easier to love life when you can focus on having a perfect friend in Christ and not expecting that perfection from everyone else.

 

[alaskamolly]

Amen!





(boy, there are some great posts on this thread!)

 

[isaiah5213]

gosh, molly is right.. there are some great posts on this thread... i guess it would help us further to know the nature of the wrong he keeps doing.. do you know why he does it??

i know i do things over and over and i say i am sorry--to the point where my friends and family explain that they think i am the sorriest person they know--and honestly it is me trying to be perfectionistic, or unreasonable w/my expectations.. sometimes, my husband, because he sees me trying to do all things perfectly, will get on the "perfect" bandwagon, and will expect it of me too... and we both caught ourselves doing this, when we had to evaluate why my back went out 3 times in a 6 month period. how many wrongs do we all do over and over again, then go back to God and say "sorry" and turn and do it again?? amen that there is a list of names in heaven, not a list of offenses! lol!

other kinds of wrongs--like the porno--are sicknesses. they are contagious. they don't just affect the "doer",but the whole family. and for the sicknesses, you need other people in your life, believing in you and your husband, and that your marriage can and will make it, in spite of each other

my husband is stubborn and proud. before we were even married, he sat me down and said "i know i need a 2 by 4 upside my head many many many a time...and this is how i need you to handle this. talk to me about it, give your suggestion. if i don't listen, and i still want to do it my way, then pray to God, and really ask him to get me to see it. i know that God will humble me out!" i remember thinking how perfect my husband was! lol!!!

And God really has humbled him out... lol!! have his lessons involved our family? yes!! has our husband's decisions hurt our family sometimes? yes!! but has my husband ever let me lead?? NO!! and some of the mistakes me made, he will never ever make again, due to the consequences..

if this is big, then pray and fast.. if this is little, then pray for love, and patience, and gentleness for you... in both cases, pray for faith that he will change, pray to believe in your husband more, and pray to be the wife that helps get you both to heaven, w/a heaven on earth marriage.

 

[KGirl]

Well... I started reading "How To Win Friends And Influence People". It's really been insightful. I also like watching motivational speakers on TV, and recently I saw a thing about couples.
I hadn't learned just how bad criticism and nagging is until recently, and how bad I was driving him more un-Christian like then to be more Christian. I've been picking up my mother's old habits, and when I think of how I'd get resentful, it helps.

I also, for a while, didn't know how to word things so that I could bring up a negative thing and not bother him. Since I read some of the book, I have been better about things. I still mess up, but it's normal to forget that our spouses won't change over night. He's had to see that too, because I've been more positive and not pointed out so much wrong doing, but still have occasionally pushed too hard.

Who knew how helpful it could be to just try to see things their way more and be understanding and loving. It's crazy.

I had also been not praying as much the past two days, and I prayed alot this morning after we had argued and he went to work. When he came for lunch break things were alot better and we talked calmly and apologized for things.
And he agreed to watch the tape I had previously tried to push him to watch. I did feel bad for pushing him though. I think it was God.

I dunno how, but I've also started to feel like I'm not alone because of my closeness to God. I'd try to follow Him before, but still get really depressed bc of being alone. Even if I had friends, but I didn't see people as much as I'd like, or wouldn't feel comfortable around some or something. I had been sad that I felt alone (people wise) but knowing that He's there, and praying makes things alot better.

I might be getting off-topic, but it's really cool. I never knew I really could feel important and not depressed without being around people. Not that it's not good to be around people, but I'd always want people's approval and want them to want to hang out more with me, and when I'd be alone in the house I'd go crazy sometimes.

It gives me faith to stick things out because I've hardly EVER felt like I was important/not depressed. My faith is better in our marriage and life.

Sorry so long.