The Lord tells us that we must forgive someone who has repented of their sin:
[3] Take heed to yourselves; if your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him;
[4] and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, and says, `I repent,' you must forgive him." Luke 17:3-4 RSV
However, there are those who think you should forgive before someone repents. What do you think?
On Forgiveness
At the heart of the Lord’s Prayer is this line: “
Forgive us our sins as we forgive others.” It is a command with a terrible consequence if we do not forgive. So we had best learn how to be good forgivers.
In my work as a Christian therapist, I am constantly involved in a process of conflict resolution which seeks forgiveness. I must say that forgiveness is a much more complex matter than any brief comment can address. For example, here are five points that often are glossed over, leading to later problems.
First, forgiveness is not the same as tolerance. We can only forgive what people actually do wrong. Forgiveness is not giving someone a pass. Tolerance is saying that it was not really wrong what they did, which would not be forgiveness at all; in fact, it would be a lie if they really did do wrong. Giving someone a pass would then be enabling and even encouraging them to do it again.
Second, you and I only have responsibility (and even the power) to forgive what people do to hurt
us. If they hurt other people who are strangers to us, then it is not our place to forgive, but neither can we hold a grudge against them; it is none of our business, it is between them and who they hurt, and God. On the other hand, we don’t have to be stupid and allow them to also hurt us; we may have to take measures to protect ourselves and our families (or our nation) from violent people who seek us harm.
Third, forgiving does not necessarily mean trusting. Once trust is broken, the offending party must earn the trust back by trustworthiness over time. Often we are to forgive but we must avoid the person so that they cannot continue to hurt us.
Fourth, forgiveness is an internal, one way gift we give ourselves so we can heal from the wound(s). The saying is so true:
Holding a grudge is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to die. We must choose to
not hold a grudge and we must make a deliberate decision to “let go and let God.” The offending party does not even need to know about our forgiveness.
Fifth, forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. For there to be any kind of reconciliation, the offending party must admit to the wrong done, repent, and seek to make amends. Then reconciliation is possible with forgiveness. However, if the offending party doesn’t acknowledge the wrong done and the hurt inflicted, or does not promise to avoid repeating the offense, then the ‘victim’ must keep a distance and/or protect themselves.. Forgiveness does not mean rebuilding trust unless the perpetrator repents and changes.
Remember, Jesus told His disciples to “shake the dust of their sandals” and move on when they and the gospel message were rejected. And check out Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 18:15-17:
“If your brother or sister sins against you, go to them privately and point it out, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’ [as the Law requires].
If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church [authorities]
; and if they refuse to listen even to them, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector [that is, avoid them].”
Sometimes avoidance is the best and most honest way to deal with people who keep hurting us by their behavior. We sure don't want to enable their behavior by pretending it is OK with us. But we must at first let them know clearly what they have done and give them a chance to apologize and amend their ways.
- Bruce Atkinson, PhD
Christian counselor and licensed psychologist