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when communication is useless

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by archer75, Dec 14, 2018.

  1. archer75

    archer75 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,359
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    All the advice tells you communicate, communicate, communicate.

    What about when communication is impossible?

    What about when it appears possible, but one partner just flat-out ignores whatever is agreed on during said communication? Even if it was their idea or their desire?

    What do you do when you try to accommodate your partner and give them what they want, and they fight you about that? And the choices are: give them what they just asked for and let them complain, or refuse them what they asked for?

    What do you do when one party refuses to deal in good faith and openly says that they will do whatever they feel like in the moment?
     
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  2. maintenance man

    maintenance man Well-Known Member Supporter

    764
    +1,054
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    Some people don't change no matter how many constructive conversations you have with them.

    At some point you have to stop banging your head against the wall and accept them for who they are.

    Then figure out how you can live with them knowing they will never change.

    You have to adapt and overcome.
     
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  3. archer75

    archer75 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,359
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    It's not just conversations aimed at change..it's also the ones where I'd just like to know what's going on.
     
  4. maintenance man

    maintenance man Well-Known Member Supporter

    764
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    It's pretty hard to assess the complexity of a relationship without knowing the two people involved.

    Someone who's not sharing information is not doing so for a reason. They could be hiding something or be afraid of the reaction of the other person or any number of other reasons.

    This is where a good third party Christian marriage counselor comes in handy. These questions need to be asked and explored to find the underlying cause. Then you can move forward with a clear perspective.
     
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  5. Katya123

    Katya123 New Member

    25
    +5
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I would say it is time for some action on your part. Can you draw some boundaries? CAn you say in that moment...."when you are ready to talk about this or abide by what we decided to do, let me know". Also, have you considered some personal counseling? Don't know if your partner would consider going but it could be very helpful. Sometimes a man talking to a man can be very eye-opening or just another person talking can make a difference. If you really love him and want this relationship to work, can you take a step? Can you draw some lines in the sand and stand by them? There is the chance, however, that he will choose to leave.
     
  6. archer75

    archer75 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,359
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    Thank you for replying.

    I am the man in this marriage. She promised, before we were married, that she or we would go to counseling if we ran imto trouble, but she went back on that promise and refuses to go. I do see a counselor on my own.

    I have said something like "let me know when you are ready to..." but it just results in staring and stony silence endlessly. Then later she wants to "make up" as if that resolves everything. If I "insist" that that is not enough, then she cries and gets angry. It is like dealing with a young child in some ways.

    I do love her, but I cannot draw lines in the sand. 1) It would be like starving a cat until it decides to stop scratching the furniture. The cat has no idea why you are starving it and does not even get the idea of punishment. 2) I have to maimtain my wife's relationship with our child, too. So I cannot do anything that will trigger her turning sour and poisonous because then the child is effectively motherless.
     
  7. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

    +6,952
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Whew. Step back. Pray. Take care of your own soul. This is a tough situation. You can not will her to be more rational, accommodating, or communicative. Just hang in there, man. Take care of your soul; loving her anyway is going to be tough, but is possible. Let go of the things you're trying to get her to do, even if they're totally reasonable. Some people just are not reasonable.
     
  8. Katya123

    Katya123 New Member

    25
    +5
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    When I separated from my husband, the insanity we lived in stopped. My children lost their father so speak. I chose to take that risk because we could not continue as we were especially for my kids (3) sake. It was tuff love for sure. We had already spent much time counseling and he was still "not getting" it. After several years of lying, crying and pain, he was still saying "don't you trust me?" Even after we separated, he would take no responsibility for anything. It was all my fault. As sad as it was, there was no other choice for us. Are you saying you are willing to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life for your child's sake? You are not responsible for maintaining her relationship with your child.
     
  9. archer75

    archer75 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,359
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    Yes. This is about where I have been lately. Though not when I started this thread.
     
  10. archer75

    archer75 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,359
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    I do feel responsible, because she needs her mother. How can I (in 20 years) say to our child "yeah, I could have helped her to maintain a relationship with you, but I was just sick of this and that"? No one's going to care about any of that then. The kid will just hate me, too, and then be totally adrift. I'm not saying this would have been the right choice in your situation, though.

    I would almost be ok with walking on eggshells if I could get a list of the things to be nervous about. But it's like - anything can be a trigger, or there's no trigger. And no couples therapist is going to believe it, they would just say "ok let's communicate" and then all the communication would just be ignored again and again and again.
     
  11. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

    +6,952
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    When choosing to stay with a difficult spouse, maintaining your own spiritual strength is vital. Take time out for yourself. Read. Pray. Get to a café and have some alone time. Worship. Get to a church or monastery for a retreat if possible. Love Christ in your heart, and go to Him over and over for the grace to love your wife. God bless you, Arch. I would talk to your priest, too, for prayers, and spiritual encouragement.
     
  12. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

    +6,952
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Would also ask Saint Joseph's prayers and help on this one, too. Best husband ever. He can help you. Will pray.

    [​IMG]
     
  13. Angeldove97

    Angeldove97 In the Lord, my labor is not in vain Supporter

    +1,922
    United States
    Traditional. Cath.
    Married
    You can only change yourself.

    If you are doing what you need to do to be a faithful Christian and spouse, then keep on that straight and narrow path. If your spouse's path is not one that follows your own, God will show you what you need to do.
     
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