when communication is useless

archer75

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Nov 16, 2016
5,930
4,649
USA
✟253,749.00
Country
United States
Faith
Eastern Orthodox
Marital Status
Married
All the advice tells you communicate, communicate, communicate.

What about when communication is impossible?

What about when it appears possible, but one partner just flat-out ignores whatever is agreed on during said communication? Even if it was their idea or their desire?

What do you do when you try to accommodate your partner and give them what they want, and they fight you about that? And the choices are: give them what they just asked for and let them complain, or refuse them what they asked for?

What do you do when one party refuses to deal in good faith and openly says that they will do whatever they feel like in the moment?
 

maintenance man

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Sep 29, 2018
1,292
1,759
California
Visit site
✟476,903.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
Some people don't change no matter how many constructive conversations you have with them.

At some point you have to stop banging your head against the wall and accept them for who they are.

Then figure out how you can live with them knowing they will never change.

You have to adapt and overcome.
 
Upvote 0

archer75

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Nov 16, 2016
5,930
4,649
USA
✟253,749.00
Country
United States
Faith
Eastern Orthodox
Marital Status
Married
Some people don't change no matter how many constructive conversations you have with them.

At some point you have to stop banging your head against the wall and accept them for who they are.

Then figure out how you can live with them knowing they will never change.

You have to adapt and overcome.
It's not just conversations aimed at change..it's also the ones where I'd just like to know what's going on.
 
Upvote 0

maintenance man

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Sep 29, 2018
1,292
1,759
California
Visit site
✟476,903.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
It's not just conversations aimed at change..it's also the ones where I'd just like to know what's going on.

It's pretty hard to assess the complexity of a relationship without knowing the two people involved.

Someone who's not sharing information is not doing so for a reason. They could be hiding something or be afraid of the reaction of the other person or any number of other reasons.

This is where a good third party Christian marriage counselor comes in handy. These questions need to be asked and explored to find the underlying cause. Then you can move forward with a clear perspective.
 
Upvote 0

Katya123

Active Member
Nov 1, 2018
29
6
73
BELLE VERNON
✟10,191.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
All the advice tells you communicate, communicate, communicate.

What about when communication is impossible?

What about when it appears possible, but one partner just flat-out ignores whatever is agreed on during said communication? Even if it was their idea or their desire?

What do you do when you try to accommodate your partner and give them what they want, and they fight you about that? And the choices are: give them what they just asked for and let them complain, or refuse them what they asked for?

What do you do when one party refuses to deal in good faith and openly says that they will do whatever they feel like in the moment?
I would say it is time for some action on your part. Can you draw some boundaries? CAn you say in that moment...."when you are ready to talk about this or abide by what we decided to do, let me know". Also, have you considered some personal counseling? Don't know if your partner would consider going but it could be very helpful. Sometimes a man talking to a man can be very eye-opening or just another person talking can make a difference. If you really love him and want this relationship to work, can you take a step? Can you draw some lines in the sand and stand by them? There is the chance, however, that he will choose to leave.
 
  • Friendly
Reactions: archer75
Upvote 0

archer75

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Nov 16, 2016
5,930
4,649
USA
✟253,749.00
Country
United States
Faith
Eastern Orthodox
Marital Status
Married
I would say it is time for some action on your part. Can you draw some boundaries? CAn you say in that moment...."when you are ready to talk about this or abide by what we decided to do, let me know". Also, have you considered some personal counseling? Don't know if your partner would consider going but it could be very helpful. Sometimes a man talking to a man can be very eye-opening or just another person talking can make a difference. If you really love him and want this relationship to work, can you take a step? Can you draw some lines in the sand and stand by them? There is the chance, however, that he will choose to leave.
Thank you for replying.

I am the man in this marriage. She promised, before we were married, that she or we would go to counseling if we ran imto trouble, but she went back on that promise and refuses to go. I do see a counselor on my own.

I have said something like "let me know when you are ready to..." but it just results in staring and stony silence endlessly. Then later she wants to "make up" as if that resolves everything. If I "insist" that that is not enough, then she cries and gets angry. It is like dealing with a young child in some ways.

I do love her, but I cannot draw lines in the sand. 1) It would be like starving a cat until it decides to stop scratching the furniture. The cat has no idea why you are starving it and does not even get the idea of punishment. 2) I have to maimtain my wife's relationship with our child, too. So I cannot do anything that will trigger her turning sour and poisonous because then the child is effectively motherless.
 
Upvote 0

anna ~ grace

Newbie
Supporter
May 9, 2010
9,071
11,925
✟108,146.93
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Thank you for replying.

I am the man in this marriage. She promised, before we were married, that she or we would go to counseling if we ran imto trouble, but she went back on that promise and refuses to go. I do see a counselor on my own.

I have said something like "let me know when you are ready to..." but it just results in staring and stony silence endlessly. Then later she wants to "make up" as if that resolves everything. If I "insist" that that is not enough, then she cries and gets angry. It is like dealing with a young child in some ways.

I do love her, but I cannot draw lines in the sand. 1) It would be like starving a cat until it decides to stop scratching the furniture. The cat has no idea why you are starving it and does not even get the idea of punishment. 2) I have to maimtain my wife's relationship with our child, too. So I cannot do anything that will trigger her turning sour and poisonous because then the child is effectively motherless.

Whew. Step back. Pray. Take care of your own soul. This is a tough situation. You can not will her to be more rational, accommodating, or communicative. Just hang in there, man. Take care of your soul; loving her anyway is going to be tough, but is possible. Let go of the things you're trying to get her to do, even if they're totally reasonable. Some people just are not reasonable.
 
  • Friendly
Reactions: archer75
Upvote 0

Katya123

Active Member
Nov 1, 2018
29
6
73
BELLE VERNON
✟10,191.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Thank you for replying.

I am the man in this marriage. She promised, before we were married, that she or we would go to counseling if we ran imto trouble, but she went back on that promise and refuses to go. I do see a counselor on my own.

I have said something like "let me know when you are ready to..." but it just results in staring and stony silence endlessly. Then later she wants to "make up" as if that resolves everything. If I "insist" that that is not enough, then she cries and gets angry. It is like dealing with a young child in some ways.

I do love her, but I cannot draw lines in the sand. 1) It would be like starving a cat until it decides to stop scratching the furniture. The cat has no idea why you are starving it and does not even get the idea of punishment. 2) I have to maimtain my wife's relationship with our child, too. So I cannot do anything that will trigger her turning sour and poisonous because then the child is effectively motherless.
When I separated from my husband, the insanity we lived in stopped. My children lost their father so speak. I chose to take that risk because we could not continue as we were especially for my kids (3) sake. It was tuff love for sure. We had already spent much time counseling and he was still "not getting" it. After several years of lying, crying and pain, he was still saying "don't you trust me?" Even after we separated, he would take no responsibility for anything. It was all my fault. As sad as it was, there was no other choice for us. Are you saying you are willing to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life for your child's sake? You are not responsible for maintaining her relationship with your child.
 
  • Friendly
Reactions: Angeldove97
Upvote 0

archer75

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Nov 16, 2016
5,930
4,649
USA
✟253,749.00
Country
United States
Faith
Eastern Orthodox
Marital Status
Married
Whew. Step back. Pray. Take care of your own soul. This is a tough situation. You can not will her to be more rational, accommodating, or communicative. Just hang in there, man. Take care of your soul; loving her anyway is going to be tough, but is possible. Let go of the things you're trying to get her to do, even if they're totally reasonable. Some people just are not reasonable.
Yes. This is about where I have been lately. Though not when I started this thread.
 
Upvote 0

archer75

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Nov 16, 2016
5,930
4,649
USA
✟253,749.00
Country
United States
Faith
Eastern Orthodox
Marital Status
Married
When I separated from my husband, the insanity we lived in stopped. My children lost their father so speak. I chose to take that risk because we could not continue as we were especially for my kids (3) sake. It was tuff love for sure. We had already spent much time counseling and he was still "not getting" it. After several years of lying, crying and pain, he was still saying "don't you trust me?" Even after we separated, he would take no responsibility for anything. It was all my fault. As sad as it was, there was no other choice for us. Are you saying you are willing to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life for your child's sake? You are not responsible for maintaining her relationship with your child.
I do feel responsible, because she needs her mother. How can I (in 20 years) say to our child "yeah, I could have helped her to maintain a relationship with you, but I was just sick of this and that"? No one's going to care about any of that then. The kid will just hate me, too, and then be totally adrift. I'm not saying this would have been the right choice in your situation, though.

I would almost be ok with walking on eggshells if I could get a list of the things to be nervous about. But it's like - anything can be a trigger, or there's no trigger. And no couples therapist is going to believe it, they would just say "ok let's communicate" and then all the communication would just be ignored again and again and again.
 
  • Agree
Reactions: Lucky9
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

anna ~ grace

Newbie
Supporter
May 9, 2010
9,071
11,925
✟108,146.93
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Yes. This is about where I have been lately. Though not when I started this thread.
When choosing to stay with a difficult spouse, maintaining your own spiritual strength is vital. Take time out for yourself. Read. Pray. Get to a café and have some alone time. Worship. Get to a church or monastery for a retreat if possible. Love Christ in your heart, and go to Him over and over for the grace to love your wife. God bless you, Arch. I would talk to your priest, too, for prayers, and spiritual encouragement.
 
Upvote 0

anna ~ grace

Newbie
Supporter
May 9, 2010
9,071
11,925
✟108,146.93
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Would also ask Saint Joseph's prayers and help on this one, too. Best husband ever. He can help you. Will pray.

stjosephicon.png
 
  • Prayers
Reactions: archer75
Upvote 0

Angeldove97

I trust in You
Supporter
Jan 6, 2004
31,688
2,181
Indiana
✟121,020.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
You can only change yourself.

If you are doing what you need to do to be a faithful Christian and spouse, then keep on that straight and narrow path. If your spouse's path is not one that follows your own, God will show you what you need to do.
 
Upvote 0