when are you "married"

[alwayz_remember_Calvery]

I'm not sure where this should be put, but i figured a lot of you guys would have good thoughts for me.
Two nights ago, my boyfriend and i were having a talk about when are two people married. We both agree that it's after they have sex. He told me that he doesn't believe in pre-marital sex, he believes that once a person has sex with another, then they're married, anyone else they sleep with is adultry. I'm inclined to agree with him on this one. He then jokingly (I believe) told me that i'm going to have to come up with a good reason why we shouldn't be having sex once we're engaged. I'm pretty sure he was joking when he said that, not 110% sure, but pretty sure.

What do you guys believe. Are you "married" once you have sex, or do you really need the ring and the ceramony and all of the stuff?

I know the Bible says we're suppose to obey the law of the land, but that's about the only thing i can come up with right now. Anything else?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

No, I don't think you're married after you have sex. That's not the way the law of the land works here. If the couple hasn't made a commitment to each other then they're not married. You don't need a ring to be married either. It involves making promises to each other and fulfilling the requirements that our local government sets up. I do think that there are some situations when a couple may just have a clergy person bless the union that they are making without making it official with the government because they will lose monetary benefits if they legally remarry. I understand that situation, but the couple is still making a public statement that they are now a couple.
I do hope your bf was joking. We can't pick and choose pieces of scripture to try to justify not waiting for the wedding night. We're not living in biblical times and an engagement is not binding here and now.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

I do not think that you necessarily need a marriage license to be considered married in the eyes of the Lord. As long as you make a public committment to each other then I think that would be considered marriage. I think it is wise though to be married legally (as in having a marriage license) because of different laws and such that come along with being married. Hope that makes sense

 

[littlemrs]

In my experience, a couple who has sex because "they are as good as married anyway" are the couples who end up breaking up and saying "well, we weren't married in the first place."

Unless there is some justifiable reason for not being able to legally marry (and I'm not talking some big, lavish ceremony, either), then I feel it's just a cop out to say that you're married anyway once you have sex. There can be circumstances that would prevent a couple from marrying legally, but in most countries, I would say it's fairly easy and inexpensive to obtain the necessary legal documents.

Just my opinion.

 

[sjdennis]

Technically, you could just have sex and consider yourselves married in the eyes of God. However others would question your sincerity. Basically you would be just the same as any other de-facto couple, and the rate of relationship break-up for de-facto couples is pretty high.

If a couple is truly dedicated to each other and willing to make a committment of marriage, they should be willing to stand up in front of all their friends, say their vows and make it legal. It is very simple, and you can even do it in the registry office if you can't afford a wedding. This shows committment to the relationship, and provides legal safeguards for both of you.

Don't have sex while you are engaged. Engagement is NOT a committment to get married, it is a relationship where you are SEEING WHETHER you should marry. Many engaged couples break up. Wait until marriage. Pre-maritial sex causes problems in many marriages.

This doesn't just apply to penetrative sex. The more you save until marriage, the more wonderful your honeymoon and subsequent marriage will be. Some couples don't even kiss until their wedding - this would make for an exceptionally special wedding night! Each thing you do before marriage becomes something that is not as special within marriage.

 

[peanutbutter12]

We've had this discussion so many times here that I'm sick of replying to it. I suppose one more time...

I believe that most people who say they are "married in the eyes of God after they have sex" is looking for a reason to have sex. Nothing more. There are others that believe there doesn't need to be an official ceremony (be it in a church with a pastor or in a courthouse with a judge) which I also believe to be a crock.

The Bible says we have to obey the laws of the land; plain and simple. And in this country, you are not legally married until you have a license and are married in ceremony by an official representitive who can fill the license out, be it a pastor or a judge or whoever else the state decides is permitted to perform the ceremony. There are some people who believe that our law is not Gods law and blah blah blah blah... it's nearly 5am and I am really too tired to get into that one. So I leave you with this for the night:

Romans 13:1-7 states: "Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor."

CJ

 

[Johnnz]

A marriage is a covenant relationship, within which sex becomes a fufillment of that pledge. Marriage has traditionally been a community institution as well, as we all belong to a wider group, which includes our own parents. Seeing intercourse as the equivalent of a marriage is far too limited.

John
NZ

 

[~Nikki~]

The Bible says that marriage is a covenant.

Covenants were verbal agreements made in front of witnesses, with the exchange of an item to seal the covenant...and were breakable only by death.

So a marriage covenant is the same, an agreement made in public, usually exchanging rings, and is breakable only by death.

Sex is not a covenant.

In the Old Testament, sex made you obligated to marry the person, but it didn't *make* you married as such.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

If having sex made a couple marry then this would make no sense:

"If a man finds a young woman who is a virgin, who is not betrothed, and he seizes her and lies with her, and they are found out, 29then the man who lay with her shall give to the young woman’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife because he has humbled her; he shall not be permitted to divorce her all his days. Duet 22:28-29

It clearly says that if the man has sex with her he must marry her, well how can he marry her if he is already married to her b/c they had sex?

 

[princessellie]

we are called to obay the laws of the land, so we are married by the law of the land when we have the ceremony and the marriage licence, then we are married in gods eyes when you have made love but you must first obay the laws of the landon my finger

 

[SoC]

Sex is not equal to marriage. Sex does not make the marriage. Sex doesn't even make the marriage good.

As TerraSin said, anyone who believes sex makes you married is just looking for a (poorly backed up and even less thought out) reason to have sex before marriage. Remember, marriage makes the sex good, not the other way around.

And to answer the original question: When you have been married according to the laws of your governement.

 

[Chan1976]

In my experience, a couple who has sex because "they are as good as married anyway" are the couples who end up breaking up and saying "well, we weren't married in the first place."

Unless there is some justifiable reason for not being able to legally marry (and I'm not talking some big, lavish ceremony, either), then I feel it's just a cop out to say that you're married anyway once you have sex. There can be circumstances that would prevent a couple from marrying legally, but in most countries, I would say it's fairly easy and inexpensive to obtain the necessary legal documents.

Just my opinion.

tried to rep you, but I had to spread some reputation around.
I totally agree with this:
'In my experience, a couple who has sex because "they are as good as married anyway" are the couples who end up breaking up and saying "well, we weren't married in the first place.'

I think the having sex=married argument is only self-justification to have premartial sex, and sometimes justification to have peace of mind is all the persuasion you ever need to take the leap into a wrong decision.

 

[sjdennis]

There are some great replies here - really make it clear-cut! Remember that if you were alone on a desert island with no legal system you would just pray, have sex and be married. However that would also be obeying the laws of the land (as there would be no laws). Where we live we must obey the law of the land. Well done everyone for explaining it so clearly.

 

[peanutbutter12]

There are some great replies here - really make it clear-cut! Remember that if you were alone on a desert island with no legal system you would just pray, have sex and be married. However that would also be obeying the laws of the land (as there would be no laws). Where we live we must obey the law of the land. Well done everyone for explaining it so clearly.

Depends which country owns those islands.

/sorry, had to get technical. lol

CJ

 

[barefeetonholyground]

We both agree that it's after they have sex.

I would agree with this but I've seen a few people in the marrieds only forum that weren't able to have sex until some time after the wedding. Personally I believe that the ceremony and vows are what makes a marriage. Until then it's a committed relationship. Once you go up there and vow to one another before witnesses then it becomes a marriage. As far as those who have sex before marriage, I'm pretty sure there was something in the Old Testament that says that if two unmarried people have sex then they're married, but I'm not completely sure. If that's the case, and two unmarried people do have sex, then they have the resposibility (and the obligation) to go to the alter.

 

[holo]

The Bible says that marriage is a covenant.

Where?

Anyway, I believe ceremonies and cultural definitions and sex or no sex will never come close to the importance of how I and my SO see each other. I can have all the sex and ceremonies I want and treat her like dirt and demand she stays because we're married and not allowed to divorce. Is that a marriage? Is she allowed to leave me if I have actual sex with another woman, but not if I flirt shamelessly and treat her bad?


What's really important here?

And about the laws of the land; how about muslim countries? Would you have a muslim wedding? Would you marry and divorce and have time-limited marriages like their laws demand/allow? I think those verses are way misinterpreted.

 

[Inperfected]

If I was to not be "married" until sex..

How would I be married at my wedding (isn't a reception celebrating a "marriage")? Or do I have to go off and "doing things" firstly?

 

[peanutbutter12]

And about the laws of the land; how about muslim countries? Would you have a muslim wedding? Would you marry and divorce and have time-limited marriages like their laws demand/allow? I think those verses are way misinterpreted.

[FONT=Arial, Arial, Helvetica]Acts 5:27-29. "Having brought the apostles, they made them appear before the Sanhedrin to be questioned by the high priest. 'We gave you strict orders not to teach in this Name,' he said. 'Yet you have filled Jerusalem with your teaching and are determined to make us guilty of this man's blood.' Peter and the other apostles replied: 'WE must obey God rather than men'!" From the foregoing we can plainly see that as long as the law of the land does not try to supersede the law of God, we are bound to obey. As soon as the law of the land contradicts God's command, we are to obey God's law.

Nuff said...

CJ
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