When a Friend Lets You Down

[fluffy_rainbow]

My friend Gordon, whom some of you may remember me posting about having feelings for, came over to play poker this past Friday night. Now, I have always looked to my friend Gordon as almost this morally superior "example". Imagine how disappointed I was when I found out he is dating a woman and they are having sex on a regular basis. Now, I had already prayed and God took away the romantic feelings I had for him, but from a friendship standpoint I'm appalled! This is the same guy who dissed a girl at work because he saw birth control pills in her purse and didn't want to date a girl who was obviously engaging in pre-marital sex. That he wanted a woman who found sex a sacred union within marriage only. So what changed?

A little over a month ago, he called to let me know he had been hooked up (by his weight trainer at the gym) with a 40 year old divorced woman with three children. Now, that sent red flags up in my mind right away. I had just lent Gordon my copy of I Kissed Dating Goodbye so I'm thinking perhaps God will intervene here and Gordon will make the seemingly right decision. Hah! Shows me what I know! Gordon comes over Friday night acting quite smug and is dying to tell us this woman is "the one" and that they had sex for three straight days almost non-stop when her kids were with their dad over the Christmas weekend. I questioned him about it and he said, "look, God doesn't care if you're having sex so long as they're the right person". I said, "I think the Bible states otherwise" and he shot me a nasty look and fired back with, "what? Are you jealous or something?". Ooooh that hurt!

So later we're all sitting around the poker table and he tells us she's his "perfect type". He said she was really tall, very thin, and had blonde hair. My mother asked, "so, Gordon...how long has she been divorced?" and he giggled and said, "well, she's not divorced yet. They just got separated when we met a month ago." I said, "Great, Gordon. You're sleeping with another man's wife!" and he says, "psssh they're not married." Then the greatest of all insults...she called him in the middle of our poker game and he grabbed his chips, put them in his pocket, and went out to his car and talked with her for an hour. First of all, I don't care how in love you think you are, it's rude to stay on the phone that long while at someone else's home. Secondly, he's been playing poker with us for three years and he doesn't trust us with his chips when he leaves the table? What a slap in the face! He's changed. His lust has gotten the better of him and now he's turned into some jerk loaded with excuses to justify his actions. I'm so disappointed.

 

[vinc]

It is really sad to know that he got hooked on to a woman who had not even been properly divorced.

The lust of flesh is so powerful that it tries to down any morally strong person. The spirit may be willing but the flesh is weak.

A man of God said "A flood of adulterous spirits have invaded the world". This could be the reason why even morally strong people are also falling into sin and finding it difficult to live a holy life.

Another man of God said "There are many samsons who fell for sweet delilahs".

These are all hard truths in today's world.

Your feeling dissapointed is natural and normal as a christian and that too because he was a close friend of yours.

Even Apostle Paul strived to live as a holy example fearing he also may get disqualified at any point of time in his life.

You can't do much but pray and hope for better things to happen in his life.

We are sure to get dissappointed if our faith is in a man/woman. Our faith must be entirely in Lord Jesus Christ who is the Author and Finisher of our Faith and who alone lived a sinless life. All others may falter at any stage of their life.

I remember this song which helps me often --

I have decided to follow Jesus.
I have decided to follow Jesus.
I have decided to follow Jesus.
No turning back.
No turning back.

Though none go with me,
Still i will follow.
Though none go with me,
Still i will follow.
Though none go with me,
Still i will follow.
No turning back.
No turning back.

So, though none go with me....still i will follow.

I hope this reply encourages you...

Lord bless and keep you

 

[jenptcfan]

I'm sorry about the disappointment you're feeling. I think sometimes when we Christians screw something up, we kind of go overboard with it....maybe partially because of the guilt we're feeling. It's kinda like getting deeper and deeper into the sin hurts less (in the short run) than the conviction we feel from God.

When you see a brother/sister straying, you do have a responsibility to encourage them to get back on the right track (it sounds like you're doing that, good for you!), but in the end, they're the ones who have to make the decision on how to act.

Keep praying for him. God can soften his heart.

 

[Stanfi]

fluffy,

Been there, no fun. The world is full of imperfect people, including Christians. I think so many times we ourselves admit that we make mistakes, but yet expect other Christians do always do what is right, and when they don't we get hurt.

Knew a girl a while back. Really liked her. She said she was a commited Christian, wanted a Christian. She had all these standards, like she would never date anyone who had been in a live in realtionship. Anyway, one day out of the blue, I find out she is "seriously involved" with another guy. This was a big enough, shocker, because I had grown to trust there. Then later I find out that he is not a believer! and she thinks it will lead to marriage! I about died. I then sent her a letter about it, granted my heart meant well, but my actions were a little off. Anyway she totally freaked.

Then I had a friend who I had known all of my life. Got in a situation where I really needed him to come through for me, and he sat on his thumbs. It really hurt.

So yeah, been there, no fun. That is why it is so important to put of trust in God, and not man. Man will let us down.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

I agree with all of you. I prayed very hard when I got home from my parents' house that night that my anger would not give way to bitterness. Obviously this situation has altered my personal image of his moral strength and I'm also concerned for his wellbeing. When I see a woman who is still married in the eyes of the law and God and she is having sex with a man ten years her junior I see red flags everywhere. But there is no reasoning with him as he is convinced she is it. I personally do not see how he would know after only a month of dating. I was floored when he told me he and this woman had talked on the phone until five am the morning before while she and her kids were out of town. I mean, that's cute when you're in your teens and twenties, but when you're 40 and have three young children it just seems immature. My mom says that coed public gyms are a tool of satan. Too many people in tight clothing with great bodies twisting and contorting themselves in positions that could be arousing to onlookers. She said it would almost be better to meet someone in a bar.

I just pray that this woman doesn't take him to the cleaners. I'm certain the next step will be them moving in together as he still lives with his parents and she has her own house. He's been staying there the last two weeks anyway. It makes me angry he insinuated that I'm jealous because I tried to lovingly rebuke his actions, which he has always been faithful in doing for me the last five years! I always took his Christian correction seriously and never got ugly with him about it. He says he wants us all to meet her, but I don't want to. I don't think I could hold my tongue in the presence of a mother of three setting such a poor example for her children. "Hey kids, Daddy moved out. Oh, by the way, this is Gordon. He'll be your new daddy." Ugh!

 

[renaistre]

My parents went to a combination New Years Eve Party/Baby Shower last, er, New Years Eve. There were a bunch of people there from a church we used to go to about 10 years ago, and of course they brought home all of the news from everyone. It was sad how many stories there were of people who, without any apparent warning, turned from what everyone thought they were to total jerks.

It makes you wonder how pastors must feel when so many people are so good at acting. I think I would become seriously jaded.

If you think about it though, it's got to be one of Satan's favorite tricks. If he can get an impostor or two into our lives, he can get us doubting about everyone around us, and fragmentation in the church is just what he wants. It's almost like one of those old detective stories where everyone is a suspect, but only one person is really guilty.

So if we were all as good as Mr. Holmes, everything would be a piece of cake.

 

[carmi]

Now, I have always looked to my friend Gordon as almost this morally superior "example". Imagine how disappointed I was when I found out he is dating a woman and they are having sex on a regular basis. Now, I had already prayed and God took away the romantic feelings I had for him, but from a friendship standpoint I'm appalled! This is the same guy who dissed a girl at work because he saw birth control pills in her purse and didn't want to date a girl who was obviously engaging in pre-marital sex. That he wanted a woman who found sex a sacred union within marriage only. So what changed?

It seemed that Gordon had a high attitude/mind with regards to others, what others are doing. He was sure and standing on firm grounds but that does not mean that this will always be the case.

I Cor. 10:12
Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.

Apparently Gordon never understood or wanted to understand how one can get into certain situations. He thought he was immune.

And he is not. So right now he is in the "acute" stage, all symptoms flare up and become very visible. It must be hard for you to watch but he does not have to stay that way, eventually he will have learnt this lesson.

I know it is annoying to be "accused" of being jealous. He might be saying this only to shut you up. But maybe take a step back for a while, don't say anything and leave him and this matter to God.

 

[makkulu]

Hey Fluffy Rainbow,

Will be praying for you, I have been in this kind of situation with one of my closest friends, (am still in it with her at the moment) and have had some of my other good friends let me down in other ways, doing things that have seen them thrown out of ministry and/or walk away from their faith etc. It hurts, and it takes grace, love and wisdom in spades.

Makk

 

[JPPT1974]

Friends that are real even sacrifice a little of themselves just to be with those who are hurting and will help them every step of the way.

 

[Breetai]

Wow, what a great guy!


I wouldn't say that co-ed gyms are a tool of Satan, but I would say that a lot of the people who go to them are being used by the Prince of Darkness.

I've learned that when I go to the gym, not to bother too much with the opposite sex. Sure you get to know the regulars but, just like everywhere else, unless they claim to be a Christian and act like it, don't spend your time with them. They'll just be a bad influence.

I just try to stick with my workout and view it more as a job that I have to stay focused on instead of a social gathering. Your 'friend' should have done the same.

 

[psalms 91]

lust is a powerful tool of satan. maybe you can be there for him if and when this all comes crashing down. guess it depends on how close you are and how much you can stand. i will pray for him

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

I will stand by my friend and pray for him regardless of what happens, but I cannot for the sake of being "nice" openly condone his sins. I think he was hoping for some sort of validation, a pat on the back for him "getting some", but I was quite shocked by his confessions. When someone is blinded by lust it's a downward spiral from there. There are so many issues completely entwined with this situation that just causes it to be one huge issue altogether. It's so hard to sit back and watch a dear friend get sucked into such a perilous situation. I have cared for him for so long and I am praying he won't get hurt.

 

[Breetai]

When someone is blinded by lust it's a downward spiral from there.

You've said it!

 

[fieldy]

My mom says that coed public gyms are a tool of satan. Too many people in tight clothing with great bodies twisting and contorting themselves in positions that could be arousing to onlookers. She said it would almost be better to meet someone in a bar.

don't you think that might be a little extreme? gyms are good for your body.would you rather it just being same sex gyms? what for, so guys check each other out instead? (obviously you don't but i'm trying to point out how a same sex gym solves nothing)

i've noticed no one else has said this so i thought i'd do it. fluffy rainbow do you think most of your anger has to do more with you being attracted to him instead of him having sex outside of marriage? I obviously don't know you but maybe you wouldn't be so annoyed if you didnt like him. I'm not trying to offend you and sorry if i did but i just thought you might try looking at things a little bit different.

Since we're on the topic of friends disappointing you, i've had that happen to me a few times;by a strange coincedence they all involved girls. Like 2 years ago i was going out with this girl and i found out that my friend of 10 years was fooling around with her. I didnt even like the girl so it wasnt a huge deal, but at the sametime i couldnt believe he would do that. Another time one of my "friends" got really jealous of me because i was going out with this other girl even though he already had a girlfriend. He wouldn't even go to the movies if my girlfriend and me were there. He even said:"i hope he gets hurt".(he was talking about me) he really didnt seem like that kind of person but i found out he is. I didn't even care that much anyway because him being jealous took nothing away from me and at the sametime i got to learn what kind of person he really is.

The last time a friend surprised me was when i was over at my friend's house. I was sleeping over and my ex girlfriend and my "friend" were in the living room too. Since it was late and i had my head against the couch they thought i was sleeping. I was just sitting there watching tv when i heard something. I looked over and i saw my ex girlfriend and my "friend" making out. This guy goes and turns the lights out and goes back to make out with her. I couldn't believe this was going on right in front of me. I decided that i wasnt gonna be a punk and just sit there in silence, but i also decided not to make some drama. I got up and left at 3 30 am. there was no buses at that time and i had to spend almost $20 on a taxi. Some people just care a lot more about their "thing" than anything else. If that girl didn't mean so much to me i might not have really cared but she does mean a lot. It's really stupid how things turn out. It's not like i did anything bad to them and they were paying me back. I dont get it.

"what does a friend mean to you?
a word so wrongfully abused"

layne staley