What's Wrong With This Mindset?

[Locutus]

You are looking to something other than the Living God for security, significance, peace. . . You are looking to something other than God to do for you what only God can do. He alone can provide you with identity, security etc.

What happens to your identity when you lose a fight? What happens to an aging woman who relies on her looks for validation? What happens to rich man when the stock market crashes?

Look to the One who can give you purpose.

It's very poor advice to tell someone who is suffering that there is only one magical answer. There are as many sources of security, identity, and purpose as there are human beings. The OP will simply need time to validate himself (since his folks evidently couldn't do it when he was young). And suggesting that only that 'purpose' you approve of is worthwhile, is about the worst thing you could say to someone asking for help. Purpose in life is ENTIRELY subjective, and can be found anywhere.

 

[Locutus]

It seems like you nailed it. I've been struggling with this inferiority complex for as long as I can remember. However, I want to know how I can fix this. At times it scares me the stuff I think about when I imagine someone demoting me or degrading me somehow in public. I know as with everything since I can detach from my own thoughts and get a new perspective than I can pretty much do anything. You seem to know a thing or two about psychology from what I read above in your post. Would you have any information on how one gets over inferiority complex?

A handy tool for those moments when we get a little too obsessed with ourselves (which is all an inferiority complex actually is - you're doing the 'atttention' you would normally get from your parents as a child), is to remember that no one really cares about our little failings and ordinarinesses. No one is watching us so closely that our imperfections are problematic. While this might seem bleak at first glance, it's actually very positive and liberating. We remind ourselves that no one sweats the small stuff - so let it go. Also worth reminding ourselves on occasion that unless we're sociopaths, or in some way deliberately unpleasant - if others treat us poorly that's their awfulness, not ours. It costs them a tonne of sour chemicals every time they do it, while we have a moment of (clean) disappointment. Feel bad for them, and keep smiling. And if you don't feel like smiling, fake it til you make it

Be a good and interested listener, and offer help to others whenever the opportunity presents itself. You will shine!

 

[jimmyjimmy]

It's very poor advice to tell someone who is suffering that there is only one magical answer. There are as many sources of security, identity, and purpose as there are human beings. The OP will simply need time to validate himself (since his folks evidently couldn't do it when he was young). And suggesting that only that 'purpose' you approve of is worthwhile, is about the worst thing you could say to someone asking for help. Purpose in life is ENTIRELY subjective, and can be found anywhere.

The reason this man is suffering is because he is attempting to rest the weight of his soul on something as insubstantial as cobwebs. He is suffering precisely from taking your advice! The praise of men, fame, looks, money, even good deeds are not substantial enough to give you your identity. The One who made you must name you. All else will fail you. Your money will not help you survive the terminal cancer diagnosis. Your good looks will turn to grey hair and wrinkles, and your boxing career will not last. It's nothing less than foolishness to attempt to gain your identity from things that fade and rust.

Telling someone to build his life on things that can, and will, be shaken and fall apart is not a merciful thing to do. It's a curse. No one validates himself. Those that say they do are not being honest. They are constantly looking at everyone else to see who's better, faster, skinnier, richer, smarter. . .

19“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

 

[zippy2006]

The OP identifies as a Christian - so evidently "God and Christ" aren't much help.

That seems like a patently faulty conclusion.

It's very poor advice to tell someone who is suffering that there is only one magical answer. There are as many sources of security, identity, and purpose as there are human beings. The OP will simply need time to validate himself (since his folks evidently couldn't do it when he was young). And suggesting that only that 'purpose' you approve of is worthwhile, is about the worst thing you could say to someone asking for help. Purpose in life is ENTIRELY subjective, and can be found anywhere.

All Christians, including the OP, will disagree with your Relativism. Different folks will offer different answers, and that's fine, but it seems strange (and perhaps even contrary to the CF rules) to object to someone's answer on the basis of its Christian nature, especially when the advice is being offered to a fellow Christian.

So like thatbrian, I don't think you're right at all, and I do not understand why you think you have the authority to override Christian responses on a Christian forum. If purpose were subjective, he would be a happy boxer and you would not be seeking anything.

“Ho, every one who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Hearken diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in fatness.
Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant..." (Isaiah 55)​

 

[jimmyjimmy]

If purpose were subjective, he would be a happy boxer and you would not be seeking anything.

Nicely said!

 

[nebulaJP]

I want to feel special. Like I have something unique to offer this world. One who knows himself enough to feel validated. I can't believe it myself so I look for others approval. I have a lot of talent and become a professional boxer. Everyone from my home town start talking about me and want to be around me. I start to feel special. I'm now validated through my success and have something unique to offer this world. I can now believe that I'm special because I have proof, how many undefeated professional boxers are there? I can finally be free of these chains, I can finally be myself because I'm unique and stand out. I no longer have to be shy and cower before people. I'm my own man now. What's wrong with this mindset?

I think it is a mistake to allow yourself to fall under the false impression that you want anything other than happiness. For most of us, “I want to be happy” is too simple so we think of some other goal that we need to accomplish first, but that is just fooling yourself. The proper mindset is one in which being happy right now is your number one priority.

 

[zippy2006]

I think it is a mistake to allow yourself to fall under the false impression that you want anything other than happiness. For most of us, “I want to be happy” is too simple so we think of some other goal that we need to accomplish first, but that is just fooling yourself. The proper mindset is one in which being happy right now is your number one priority.

Of course he wants happiness. The question is "How to get there?" He thought being a famous boxer would bring him happiness, but he was mistaken.

 

[nebulaJP]

Of course he wants happiness. The question is "How to get there?" He thought being a famous boxer would bring him happiness, but he was mistaken.

What I was advocating is to simply concentrate on being happy, rather than conjuring up something else that needs to happen first, such as being special or anything else.

 

[zippy2006]

What I was advocating is to simply concentrate on being happy, rather than conjuring up something else that needs to happen first, such as being special or anything else.

So you are of the mind that we can just instantaneously create perfect happiness by sheer willpower?

 

[nebulaJP]

So you are of the mind that we can just instantaneously create perfect happiness by sheer willpower?

Basically I would say that all life is happy naturally, but humans can very easily create unhappiness for the themselves with thought up scenarios such as "I need X and THEN I'll be happy". So, it is important to always remember that happiness is what you really want, not anything else. If you want things in life, that is fine, but they won't make you happy.

"The clouds do not put out the sun". That means that happiness is always here. Our thoughts, such as "I need to be special" or "so and so was inconsiderate" get in the way of our happiness (like clouds obscuring the sun).

 

[zippy2006]

Basically I would say that all life is happy naturally, but humans can very easily create unhappiness for the themselves with thought up scenarios such as "I need X and THEN I'll be happy". So, it is important to always remember that happiness is what you really want, not anything else. If you want things in life, that is fine, but they won't make you happy.

"The clouds do not put out the sun". That means that happiness is always here. Our thoughts, such as "I need to be special" or "so and so was inconsiderate" get in the way of our happiness (like clouds obscuring the sun).

I grant that there is some truth to what you say, but it seems clear to me that the reason we seek for things to make us happy is because we do not possess happiness. If we possessed happiness, we would not go seek for things to make us happy. Thus your claim that "life is happy naturally" rings false to my ear.

 

[nebulaJP]

I grant that there is some truth to what you say, but it seems clear to me that the reason we seek for things to make us happy is because we do not possess happiness. If we possessed happiness, we would not go seek for things to make us happy. Thus your claim that "life is happy naturally" rings false to my ear.

Dogs are happy. And they aren't as capable of conceptualized thought as we are. Coincidence? I think not.

 

[zippy2006]

Dogs are happy. And they aren't as capable of conceptualized thought as we are. Coincidence? I think not.

"It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied. And if the fool, or the pig, are a different opinion, it is because they only know their own side of the question." -Mill

 

[nebulaJP]

"It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied. And if the fool, or the pig, are a different opinion, it is because they only know their own side of the question." -Mill

Thanks. For humans, I think being happy is sort of a "skill", the skill of not letting thoughts interfere with your happiness...such as the thought "I'm not happy right now".

 

[zippy2006]

Thanks. For humans, I think being happy is sort of a "skill", the skill of not letting thoughts interfere with your happiness...such as the thought "I'm not happy right now".

Perhaps. And yet we have to assess our situation. Are we happy or are we not? We must follow truth where it leads. Forcing false thoughts on reality will do no good. Thinking the thought "I am happy," or "I am unhappy" may make us slightly happier or unhappier, but I do not believe that a simple thought will change the reality of our situation in any significant way.

 

[nebulaJP]

Perhaps. And yet we have to assess our situation. Are we happy or are we not?

Yes, we are but we can't tell usually because the happiness is 'covered up' with thoughts, which are believed. For example, I sometimes have the thought "I am sad". But how do I know I'm sad...because of a heavy feeling in my chest? How do I know that feeling means I'm sad? There really isn't any reason to believe it. It's just part of a story that I'm telling myself, and my character is supposed to be sad here.

Forcing false thoughts on reality will do no good.

You can't point to 'unhappy' in reality. It's just part of a story that only exists in the mental realm, at the moment it is being thought of. You can point to someone you believe is or should be unhappy, but that is not the same thing.

 

[zippy2006]

You can't point to 'unhappy' in reality.

That's because it isn't a thing existing in itself, but rather an emotion existing in human beings. There is nothing obscure about sadness and unhappiness. We know what sadness is and we know what unhappiness is, and we can see the realities reflected in the world, especially in extreme cases such as suicide.

 

[nebulaJP]

That's because it isn't a thing existing in itself, but rather an emotion existing in human beings. There is nothing obscure about sadness and unhappiness. We know what sadness is and we know what unhappiness is, and we can see the realities reflected in the world, especially in extreme cases such as suicide.

When you are depressed about something, such as a loved one dying, there are times when you momentarily aren’t thinking of that and laugh at something funny. For that split second you are happy, but then you remember the situation and go back to being sad. The unhappiness is not caused by the death itself, but by your thoughts about the death. If sadness were caused by the death of a loved one itself, we would become depressed the moment they died even if we didn’t get the news yet. It is only after you find out that you start thinking about it and become depressed. You can also see this when you first wake up in the morning. At first, everything is fine, but then you remember the thing that has been bothering you.

So most unhappiness is thought created (and some is determined by brain chemistry). If there is a very sad man with tons of problems and he gets amnesia and forgets his story and all of those problems, he will likely be happy* until his memory returns.

Edit*: Actually, while the person has amnesia, he probably won't be happy because he will have the new problem of not remembering who he is, and will value remembering over happiness, thereby making himself sad.

 

[Neogaia777]

I want to feel special. Like I have something unique to offer this world. One who knows himself enough to feel validated. I can't believe it myself so I look for others approval. I have a lot of talent and become a professional boxer. Everyone from my home town start talking about me and want to be around me. I start to feel special. I'm now validated through my success and have something unique to offer this world. I can now believe that I'm special because I have proof, how many undefeated professional boxers are there? I can finally be free of these chains, I can finally be myself because I'm unique and stand out. I no longer have to be shy and cower before people. I'm my own man now. What's wrong with this mindset?

Are you validated through/by God/Jesus?

Being validated through/by people, will fail you in the end...