What's wrong with me?

[strelok0017]

Recently I have been questioning my love for God a lot. I don't want to go into details but two mornings in a row I keep waking up with feelings of hatred for myself. I'm not sure if this should be in the OCD section because I think I don't have OCD but you guys can judge that from what I write. Few times so far I have been fighting with blasphemous thoughts. They just come and can't stop. No matter what I do my heart keeps telling me that I don't love God and sometimes that in fact I hate Him.
I've managed courage to write this because I think if I told this in my church, they'd either kick me out or do something worse. I believe I really do love the Lord and since the moment I got saved I have wanted to live my life so that it witnesses Him to the world. I don't know why this keeps happening tho. For one moment it can be so intense that I get thoughts like "I'm probably not elect..." and another it just weakens down, like nothing has been going on anyway. Makes me feel like I'm going crazy. This struggle has, thank God, only been here two times and each time it was shorter than a day but I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

For a few hours today I felt like I was demon possessed. My heart just went out of control, as if it had it's own voice. The worse part of it that it felt like it's mine anyway, so basically I can't tell which is which anymore and I think I'll give on trying to discern those stuff. I hope that the Lord will have grace with me. I woke up the second day today fearing the Judgment Day. I also have problems with focus when I study. I wish God just did something and my heart was a bit clearer. Christian life is, for me, much harder than I thought it would be. I don't want to act a victim but this is tough.

God bless everyone!

 

[flowerforever7]

Hi Strelok0017,

You said you don't have OCD. Is this your personal opinion? Or have you actually been evaluated by a mental health professional who is experienced in diagnosing and treating OCD, and they told you you don't have it? If it is your personal opinion, you may want to get a second opinion from a professional who is experienced in working with OCD sufferers.

God bless.
________
Acts 22:16 "And now why do you wait? Rise and be baptized and wash away your sins, calling on his name.’"

 

[strelok0017]

Hi. No I have never been evaluated. I'm not sure if I should. In fact I'm not sure if I should have brought this subject up. I did because I've got nobody to talk to about this. The world hates people like me and it is probably my fault but still. If OCD is taking my faith I wanna know it.

 

[strelok0017]

I'm not sure how long can God bear with me. I'm not sure how long can I bear with me. Sometimes I just hate myself. I know I shouldn't but I can't get out of this trap. The only reason I'm still a Christian is because God is faithful and if it be His will that I be crushed then I'm ok with that.

 

[RuthD]

I have OCD and have similar symptoms to you. When all those self doubting negative thoughts come up I have learned to tell myself it is the OCD talking and not me. It really helps me. I am praying for you.

 

[strelok0017]

Thanks. What I said that my heart tells to me about God is my greatest fear come true. I might be a heathen for all I know and it's all my fault...
I don't know but I still believe that I'm saved. I never saved myself in the first place and Jesus does not loose His. His sovereignty is all I can bank on now.

 

[flowerforever7]

You are obviously clearly upset over this. Glad to see you at Christianforums. This site has been a place where I have been able to get comfort and help numerous times when I have needed it. We all struggle with something, and it is good to be able to get online and support and help one another. It may be a good idea to get an evaluation from a professional who specializes in diagnosing OCD. I say this because there are treatment options if you do have OCD. I have battled this disorder for about 10 long years, and only this year have started cognitive behavioral techniques to treat it. I am starting to see a silver lining in the heavy cloud of OCD that has hovered over me for many years. The sooner you know, the sooner you can get help, and the sooner you will start to feel better. OCD can be a very depressing disorder, as it plays with your mind. I fight it daily; however, like I said, since I have been making an effort to treat it, the grip of OCD has loosened on my life.

Here are two links that may be helpful to you. The first is a database to find a specialist who has experience with OCD specifically:
International OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) Foundation - Finding Help

And the second link, is a website that provides an explanation of how to do some cognitive behavioral therapy when dealing with OCD, if you want to try some:

Four Steps

Again, I think the first step in dealing with the issue, is to really figure out what it is for sure. If you suspect you may have OCD, finding out for sure would probably be best done by consulting a professional trained in identifying OCD. This way you can get started on treating it, and gain peace.

Please be sure to come on here for anything you need also. I find this group a pretty supportive bunch.

God bless you and will say a prayer for you.
______
Acts 22:16 "And now why do you wait? Rise and be baptized and wash away your sins, calling on his name."

 

[tripletiger1200]

I just want to say that you are not alone in this. I have had absolutely evil, vile thoughts come in to my head, and I have often and still wonder if God could really forgive me, if I was really responsible for the thoughts, and if God was going to bring wrath and judgement on me for them. I am happy to report that He has not. In fact, God has been nothing but good to me through this whole expereince. I cann assure you brother that if you think your thoughts and situation are too evil for God to handle, if you think that you have gone to far to be rescued, if you think that you have fallen from God's grace, then you have not. I have thought all these things, condemned, hated,, and judged myself and the Lord has suprised and rescued me every time. I'll pray for you, don't give up. God has you and He's not letting go.

 

[strelok0017]

Thanks a lot, and thanks for prayer.
I'm not sure what I have but I posted here because I thought others could judge it better than I do. I'm a strange type, I'd even almost dare to say that I'm unique in this regard but I know that there might be others struggling with the same issues. I do not doubt my salvation as often but strange pattern happens in my life. Every victory over sin is followed by a great turmoil in my mind and that's when the battle becomes horrific for me. They say that the devil and demons can lie to you. Well, to be honest I have absolutely no discernment on this part. Every single thought feels as if it was coming straight out of my heart. I might have some anxiety disorder because I do have difficulties in focusing on my studies but that's just a minor issue. Constant battle that many times I wage in my mind is getting worse. I hope this trend does not stay forever because in 20 years... I don't know what I'll do if God does not restrain the grip of this on my soul. I had thoughts this day, some say it's not ok but I couldn't help, I just wanted to get out of this world... I just have to look at my life to feel depressed. I know I should be looking to Jesus always and by the grace of God I do but often I just can't see beyond my turmoil. I'll pray like crazy if I have to but I intend to go after the Lord. I just don't know if it's my mind playing with me or what. Or is my heart really so sick and wicked... Sometimes it's just having it's own thoughts. I just have to focus and it's gonna talk to me. Not in a third person but sometimes, very rarely (which is why I'm sure that I'm not dealing with any satan's puppet) , that too. I'm gonna pray that Jesus makes me able to ignore it. As I said before, sometimes I feel as if my heart wasn't mine at all. It's doing stuff on it's own.

Thanks for the prayers. I think I'm feeling a little better now. If it be the will of God, I wanna go to His kingdom tonight. This world is just too much.

God bless you!

 

[strelok0017]

@tripletiger1200

Thanks. Sometimes it just feels unrealistic that God would call me to be His. Especially with this stuff going on in my head. Fear of something happening always leads me to that actually happening. I don't know what good am I to God but that thief on the cross gives me hope. The fear that I start having bad thoughts about God actually lead me to them, I'm fully aware of this, but I'm sort of trapped for now. I fear what will happen tomorrow morning and what will my heart tell me. I want the first thought when I wake up to be "I love God!", not fearing the opposite like today and yesterday. Where this fear came from, to be honest, I have absolutely no clue. It just came two days ago.
I pray God helps us both. Life is tough, but Jesus is our Lord and Savior and this affliction is working for us an eternal weight of glory.

God bless you!

 

[flowerforever7]

I don't know what your exact situation actually is, and I am not an expert on OCD but sometimes OCD does not come in the form of intrusive thoughts, but in the form of urges.

It sounds like you may be suffering from scrupulosity, a religious form of OCD. Again, I am not a doctor and cannot diagnose you, that is why I am encouraging you to speak with an OCD specialist. However, what you are describing in some ways sounds like OCD.

I understand what it feels like to be at such a low point. I remember when my OCD was really bad, pleading with God in prayer to please take me to Heaven. Every day I just wanted to die, because I saw no hope that this disorder would get better. Let me tell you, there is hope! If you treat the disorder, you will start to gain your life back.

For me, I take picamilon GABA regularly each day (a natural anti-anxiety supplement), and a very tiny amount (approx. 15 mg a day) of sublingual 5htp supplement (called EndoPlus) to elevate my serotonin; as low serotonin is often pointed to as a factor in anxiety disorders and OCD. This in itself did not help me completely or take away some of the most distressing elements of my OCD. However, it did help me feel a little less anxious from an emotional perspective. I started seeing most of my progress when I started putting cognitive behavioral therapy techniques into practice and sticking with it. It has literally been reversing the disorder in some ways. I am happy to say that while I am not cured, I am not spending every day panicking over intrusive thoughts, ruminating over thoughts, etc. Also, I am more clearly able to recognize OCD in some respects when it is happening, which makes me be able to discount it and not ruminate on it. I win some OCD battles and I lose some, but the disorder is lessening to the point wear I am starting to feel free. The other week there was a day where at some point during it I actually felt care-free. That is not something I have felt for a significant amount of time. It felt weird but good. I find myself smiling more, laughing more and feeling more at ease. It isn't always like this, as the disorder still has a grip on me, but it is getting better. I never thought I would be able to say this. But working on understanding and making attempts to treat the disorder daily has given me hope I never thought I could have. Please don't lose hope. I know you are at a low point right now. Whatever you have, be it OCD / Scrupulosity, or something else, there are treatments out there that can help, and set you on a path of regaining your life back.

God bless.
________
Acts 22:16 "And now why do you wait? Rise and be baptized and wash away your sins, calling on his name."

 

[strelok0017]

Hi. Today it calmed down. I still had to fight "what if" fears but that's just my every day normal stuff. A bit harder today because my soul was burdened this morning but the Lord had given me strength. I'm learning to ignore my thoughts when they do such things. But now I did something else that I don't know, probably shouldn't... I know that God loves me and wants the best for me and it is Him, but I just can't resist video games. This isn't for OCD section tho.

I read some article yesterday, about people having similar problems, and it encouraged me. I'm not sure if I should seek help. Probably not tho. If something like this happens again, I have no idea how I'll survive. I'll pray that the Lord has mercy on me.

Thanks a lot for the replies and encouragement. God bless!

 

[gracealone]

Hi,
Like the other's I can't diagnose you but I can say that much of what you experience is all too familiar to me from my past battles with the Purely Obsessional kind OCD; Getting thoughts that are the exact opposite of what you want to think or the desires of your heart and yet they seem to be coming from your heart. And you think, in horror, "how could someone who claims to be Christian and love Christ even think something so horrible?" These thoughts strike terror in us, they beat us down and make us feel like we are evil. Then when we struggle against them they seem to plauge us even more. The anxiety is horrible, the depression life robbing.
I noticed that several times you've said the you probably shouldn't seek professional help or try to find out if this is OCD. You know how I found out I had OCD? I found out while in the midst of compulsing. I was on the internet searching for answers on this question: "Doubting my salvation." I'd been having really cruel unwanted thoughts which made me feel so scared that I wasn't a Christian and I was consumed with trying to figure out whether or not I still was. That brought me to this forum and suddenly I was reading posts that seemed as if I'd written them. This led to further investigation about OCD and most specifically "Pure O" OCD. In the end I found out I'd had this disorder since I'd been a young woman and never knew it. I thought I only had an anxiety disorder called, "Panic Disorder". So it's quite possible to have OCD and never have known it.
How did you end up on an OCD forum? What is it that makes you think it would be a bad idea for you to go ahead and see a professional in order to find out if what you are experiencing might be OCD? I only ask this because a part of OCD is being afraid to get diagnosed. We think..."what if it's not OCD and just me wanting to think all this??!!!!" This is a common hinderance to our getting the help we need.
I'll be praying for you,
Mitzi

Hi. Today it calmed down. I still had to fight "what if" fears but that's just my every day normal stuff. A bit harder today because my soul was burdened this morning but the Lord had given me strength. I'm learning to ignore my thoughts when they do such things. But now I did something else that I don't know, know that God loves me and wants the best for me and it is Him, but I just can't resist video games. This isn't for OCD section tho.

I read some article yesterday, about people having similar problems, and it encouraged me. I'm not sure if I should seek help. Probably not tho. If something like this happens again, I have no idea how I'll survive. I'll pray that the Lord has mercy on me.

Thanks a lot for the replies and encouragement. God bless!

 

[strelok0017]

Well, I know that I find it very easy to be depressed about something or panic about something (not only school but my life) and very hard to rejoice when good things happen. I say this not to make myself look any better but because someone at my Church said something good about me a few times and they told me that my reaction to those arguments were unexpected. I might have some sort of anxiety thing because I find it extremely hard to navigate in a crowd. Also, a minor thing, often when people laugh closely to me when I'm not looking at them I feel as if they were laughing at me. This thing started in high school when I wasn't a Christian. When I got saved things quieted down for a while but few months ago stuff went downhill again. I'm easily drawn into my own mind and whatever I see there I can either fear or rejoice. I know that Jesus said that our hearts are the wellspring of life. I don't know if I should apply that to my thoughts but sometimes they just get out of control. I have difficulties studying because of this. It's common for me to, in the middle of studies. to start reliving my past sins, desires, urges. This is just horrific. I don't know what to do with it. I thought that by fighting it I could win, if the Lord willed, but seeing that it only got worse I can stop fighting and maybe, once my mind is done bashing be there will me some peace. Like today, no big distress at all. Well, that's not really true because I was depressed the entire morning about my walk with the Lord and my future college success. I can't help this. Random depression is a part of my life. I pray to God a lot about this. Also, please don't hate me for this but I'm really afraid to the core to go on with reading the book of Revelation. At all the mentions of hell... I fear that if I dare reading it to the end I'll just totally flip so I'll pause for now. Sorry if this post is weird. It's been a strange day today, but the Lord is good. Blessings!

____________
Also, I take note at numbers, especially number 6. It's been following me lately... This might just be a coincidence but still... Look at the clock 23:33 (2x333...) or win a short match in a game with 666 bonus (odds are one to a million to get it). Even number 30. I really hate when this happens to me bur for some reason I started noting those. Number 30 and 6 is something I avoid.

 

[tripletiger1200]

One thing I urge you not to do is to not let guilt take over whenever you are trying to enjoy yourself. There are right and wrong ways to have fun, and having fun is by no means to be the goal of our life, but God created pleasure, and I do believe that it is appropriate to enjoy yourself with a simple recreational activity from time to time. Maybe you like video games a lot, and if so I don't know if that is wrong. You could try more God honoring games, or another way to relax.
OCD is never constant. Your fears change, it seems better for a while and gets worse, it's learning how to manage that makes it easier. Once you recognize your patterns of thoughts and the way the disorder works then you are better able to fight that with whatever means the Lord leads you to. You will know the truth and the truth will set you free

 

[strelok0017]

Yeah, you are right about it getting worse. Last month I thought it was bad. It was a breeze compared to this. What's gonna happen until the end of this year... I can only hope that God helps me because I might be in a greater peril than I know. Pattern of thoughts is in my case very random. Sometimes it's despair, sometimes just being depressed for absolutely no good reason at all. Often it gets me when my mind isn't too busy. Sometimes even after prayer time. So much so that for a couple days I was afraid to read the Bible because if playing games is selling the Lord and sowing in the flesh then by reading scriptures I would be "drinking" my condemnation.

So I decided not to play today. I can't bear this anymore. Jesus said that the way is hard that leads to life. So what am I to say? The more I struggle, the better?

I'm gonna read some psalms before I go to bed and pray. I hope the Lord reveals something new to me. My life really makes no sense.

I can't really manage this because most of my fear is based on the Scriptures. My biggest fear is that God will just let me harden my heart and let me go to hell. If I think more about that then I'm definitely gonna get OCD. I hope I'm not talking too much, but you can always stop reading my post if you get bored.

I just wanna be safe in the Lord. However, I don't know if He wants to have anything to do with me. Yes I believe He loves me but how can someone rejoice over a nutcase like me is, to be honest, the biggest mystery. I probably suffer from some depression. Maybe nothing too bad but I find it extremely difficult, in fact next to impossible, to feel any deep compassion for others. I wanna love people better. And I realize that saying this may get me a lot of hate and quite honestly I expect nothing but a treadmill from this world. I deserve it. I only want God and freedom from this stuff, I guess, comes with Him.

 

[gracealone]

OCD and depression are often experienced together.
I can tell you that if you fight it and you just seem to spin round and round on a hamster wheel of doubt, anxiety, fighting the doubt, more obsession more fighting, more anxiety that this is a classic pattern for OCD.
You asked how can God use a nut case? Well... I promise you that His "grace is sufficient for you, His strength is perfected in our weaknesses."
Here's a great book for you to read. "Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners" by John Bunyan. In it he related is long battle with this kind of OCD. He didn't know what it was because he lived too long ago to be diagnosed. But God used him mightily, not in spite of his OCD but actually because of it. So take heart. God is not impeded by any weakness, affliction or thorn. In fact He specializes in using those things to shape us into someone who He can better appropriate for His kingdom purposes.
I'll be praying for you. I'm sorry for your pain.
God Bless you,
Mitzi

Yeah, you are right about it getting worse. Last month I thought it was bad. It was a breeze compared to this. What's gonna happen until the end of this year... I can only hope that God helps me because I might be in a greater peril than I know. Pattern of thoughts is in my case very random. Sometimes it's despair, sometimes just being depressed for absolutely no good reason at all. Often it gets me when my mind isn't too busy. Sometimes even after prayer time. So much so that for a couple days I was afraid to read the Bible because if playing games is selling the Lord and sowing in the flesh then by reading scriptures I would be "drinking" my condemnation.

So I decided not to play today. I can't bear this anymore. Jesus said that the way is hard that leads to life. So what am I to say? The more I struggle, the better?

I'm gonna read some psalms before I go to bed and pray. I hope the Lord reveals something new to me. My life really makes no sense.

I can't really manage this because most of my fear is based on the Scriptures. My biggest fear is that God will just let me harden my heart and let me go to hell. If I think more about that then I'm definitely gonna get OCD. I hope I'm not talking too much, but you can always stop reading my post if you get bored.

I just wanna be safe in the Lord. However, I don't know if He wants to have anything to do with me. Yes I believe He loves me but how can someone rejoice over a nutcase like me is, to be honest, the biggest mystery. I probably suffer from some depression. Maybe nothing too bad but I find it extremely difficult, in fact next to impossible, to feel any deep compassion for others. I wanna love people better. And I realize that saying this may get me a lot of hate and quite honestly I expect nothing but a treadmill from this world. I deserve it. I only want God and freedom from this stuff, I guess, comes with Him.

 

[strelok0017]

Thanks for prayers. Some stuff in my life just make me think that I'm only getting closer to the line of no return, where God leaves me. I don't want to bother anyone with my issues but I really have no clue how could God use me for any good in this world. John Bunyan was a preacher, I think, I heard about him before and how he had to battle all sorts of stuff and depressions but unlike me He did a glorious thing with his life. I'm not really sure about getting any evaluation, it would just get me in trouble out of which I might never come out. Not to be too dramatic but if someone in my Church finds out, woe is me.

Thanks to my life before I got saved I'm of little value. In fact I've got scriptural reason to consider myself disposable. I also had trouble studying today. My thoughts weren't after me as two days ago and yesterday. I don't know why but it's difficult for me to be a social person and I always tend to say something stupid in a crowd...

I don't want to self pity, rather entrust myself to God. The Bible says that when Jesus comes He will rejoice over His people. Many say that those verses make them happy and to be honest they make me depressed. Started reading the book of Revelation few days ago and stopped because I couldn't bear all the torment my mind did to me. I always put myself in the worst position but why wouldn't I? I believe that I'm saved and born again but just a little thought that one day I might find myself in a place where worm dies not, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth and people are tormented forever and ever is enough to get me down again.

Heaven just seems too good, especially after seeing what other saints do for God and how God acts mightily through them. Why does it feel sometimes as if I'm no different than before? God coming into my life? To be honest, I'm still shocked at the fact that He lets me pray daily and that He gives me grace daily in spite of my sin. He is too amazing!

God bless you!

 

[strelok0017]

My crazy mind going at me again. I noticed it's telling me all sorts of stuff once I feel that the Lord will reject me for what I'm about to do. I can't escape the thought that God might just harden my heart and be done with me.

I hate myself. I can't help this. I'm absolutely useless to God.

Gonna study now. I ruled out OCD and counseling. I'd rather fight this on my own and I hope somebody at my Church can help.