what's wrong with me?

[pboop]

Hello and Praise God all. Well I just came out of my evening prayer with the realization I need to confess. I've been replying to different posts but not really posting. I've been trying to ignore my pain by concentrating on and trying to help whom I can. My heartache is so intense it makes my body ache. I'm depressed and it feels awful. I'm normally an upbeat type of person, always trying to find something good in any bad situation. Right now the tears are flowing and I just don't know what to think of myself. I'm mad at myself for breaking down.....but it won't stop. I keep thinking of going through this year alone. I know I have the Lord and He has me...I just thought I be with my husband for the remainder of my life. You know the whole "...until death do you part..." thing. I know God blessed me to have a roof over my head but now I look around at where I've been forced to live. I think of what I've been forced to give up and all because I loved and believed in the wrong man. I really don't have it all together I just try hard to make myself believe that I do. I want to let go...I want to forget, I want me back, but I don't think I'll ever be the same woman I once was. God help me. If I didn't have CF I'd probably be talking to myself and losing it. Our friends are no longer my friends. My family didn't really trust my husband so their no help at all. I don't need I-told-you-so right now. Whew.... (for some reason this little 'swoon' made me laugh through the tears...silly huh?) Thank God for a sense of humor or maybe slowly I am just losing it.
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[Gimpy]

I know what you are feeling. I went through nearly the same thing with my wife. Just remember, no matter how well we deal with our feelings, no matter what the consequences of what has happened in our lives, we have got to go through the pain. God made us to feel and pain is one of our feelings. Go ahead and cry, grieve, feel the sadness of it all. Just be sure you continue to lean upon God to keep you grounded through it. He has blessed you. Neither you nor I are living the lifestyle we once lived. But who knows what wonderful life lay ahead of us. Dont let go of God and He wont let go of you. Remember, our situation is anything but permanent.
I hope I was of help. You probably already know everything I have said. But believe me, I know how you feel.
God Bless you and guide you.

Hello and Praise God all. Well I just came out of my evening prayer with the realization I need to confess. I've been replying to different posts but not really posting. I've been trying to ignore my pain by concentrating on and trying to help whom I can. My heartache is so intense it makes my body ache. I'm depressed and it feels awful. I'm normally an upbeat type of person, always trying to find something good in any bad situation. Right now the tears are flowing and I just don't know what to think of myself. I'm mad at myself for breaking down.....but it won't stop. I keep thinking of going through this year alone. I know I have the Lord and He has me...I just thought I be with my husband for the remainder of my life. You know the whole "...until death do you part..." thing. I know God blessed me to have a roof over my head but now I look around at where I've been forced to live. I think of what I've been forced to give up and all because I loved and believed in the wrong man. I really don't have it all together I just try hard to make myself believe that I do. I want to let go...I want to forget, I want me back, but I don't think I'll ever be the same woman I once was. God help me. If I didn't have CF I'd probably be talking to myself and losing it. Our friends are no longer my friends. My family didn't really trust my husband so their no help at all. I don't need I-told-you-so right now. Whew.... (for some reason this little 'swoon' made me laugh through the tears...silly huh?) Thank God for a sense of humor or maybe slowly I am just losing it.
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[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

Never deny the pain. Pain supressed will destroy us all. Fact.

Horrific things happen to good people.

I was in love with a woman who didnt love me and we have 4 children... she left and visits the kids. It's amicable, which in the early times made it real bad for me, seeing her an hearing her new lovelife constantly. It's easier now - a whole 2 months later! - and suffering has shown me who I really am, good an bad. Now that is a gift from God, no matter which way I cut it.

 

[4Christ2]

Girllllll, all I can say is I know, I know, I know! You go ahead and cry. Scream if you have to (somewhere privately where no one can hear but God). Honey, I cursed, screamed, cried, beat up pillows, all while talking to God. He was there. He listened without judging. He soothed, He even made me laugh through my pain.

Go ahead. He loves you and He will patiently sit with you and intercede to the Father on your behalf. The pain will ease up, but it never truly leaves. The anger will come after the pain and it too will be difficult.

Through it all - be yourself. Let those emotions come out in healthy ways.

Lastly dear sister, seek help through godly counsel. I had to talk to someone. My pastor didn't help, my family didn't help. So I found through social services a godly counselor to talk with. She has been wonderful helping me come back to myself - but first I had to find myself. I'd become so emerged under being a wife and mother - I'd forgotten how to be a woman - a person.

I'm with you sister. If you want to talk, email me at gmarvels@aol.com.

 

[4Christ2]

Oh Pb,

I forgot to tell you this...check out www.divorcecare.com. They send daily emails that help you get through each day and those emails nailed it right on the head for me. The daily emails come for an entire year and are free.

 

[yenguccia]

it's really tough to be in this situation. I have been married, separated and now i am waiting for my annulment of marriage ( in my country we dont have any divorce..i was born and raised in the Manila now i live in Italy and i work here)) I remember the pain and as i look back i understood that I had to go thru that pain because God cares for me and loves me as well as my only daughter.
Now, I am very happy and thank God for the blessing of having someone new and for the hope of starting a new life. I praise God because during the times i was down, torn apart, and lonely God reached out thru the help and love of my friends and family. He is gracious and loving all the way. Don't give up my dear sister! God loves you..dearly and he will never never leave nor forsake you. I will pray for you...God is good always..!!

 

[pboop]

I know what you are feeling. I went through nearly the same thing with my wife. Just remember, no matter how well we deal with our feelings, no matter what the consequences of what has happened in our lives, we have got to go through the pain. God made us to feel and pain is one of our feelings. Go ahead and cry, grieve, feel the sadness of it all. Just be sure you continue to lean upon God to keep you grounded through it. He has blessed you. Neither you nor I are living the lifestyle we once lived. But who knows what wonderful life lay ahead of us. Dont let go of God and He wont let go of you. Remember, our situation is anything but permanent.
I hope I was of help. You probably already know everything I have said. But believe me, I know how you feel.
God Bless you and guide you.

Thanks so much. I think it's that feeling of permanent. I guess I needed to be reminded...there is more than this in store for me. Thank you and God bless.

 

[pboop]

Girllllll, all I can say is I know, I know, I know! You go ahead and cry. Scream if you have to (somewhere privately where no one can hear but God). Honey, I cursed, screamed, cried, beat up pillows, all while talking to God. He was there. He listened without judging. He soothed, He even made me laugh through my pain.

Go ahead. He loves you and He will patiently sit with you and intercede to the Father on your behalf. The pain will ease up, but it never truly leaves. The anger will come after the pain and it too will be difficult.

Through it all - be yourself. Let those emotions come out in healthy ways.

Lastly dear sister, seek help through godly counsel. I had to talk to someone. My pastor didn't help, my family didn't help. So I found through social services a godly counselor to talk with. She has been wonderful helping me come back to myself - but first I had to find myself. I'd become so emerged under being a wife and mother - I'd forgotten how to be a woman - a person.

I'm with you sister. If you want to talk, email me at gmarvels@aol.com.

4Christ2....you too have given some good advice. I'm really not the crying type and of late it seems to be all I do. My eyes are constantly swollen/red. I just wasn't admitting to you guys what I was dealing with. I thought not talking about it would make it go away....I was painfully wrong. I hope I don't burden you but I look forward to emailing you....Thank you so much.

 

[pboop]

Never deny the pain. Pain supressed will destroy us all. Fact.

Horrific things happen to good people.

I was in love with a woman who didnt love me and we have 4 children... she left and visits the kids. It's amicable, which in the early times made it real bad for me, seeing her an hearing her new lovelife constantly. It's easier now - a whole 2 months later! - and suffering has shown me who I really am, good an bad. Now that is a gift from God, no matter which way I cut it.

Flan, thanks for responding. For me its been almost 8 months we've been seperated. I know its over but yet it still hurts like it just happened! I usually recover pretty quickly from adversity but this seemed to totally weaken my spirit and I just can't figure out why I can't bounce back. Please pray for my strength. God Bless you.

 

[pboop]

it's really tough to be in this situation. I have been married, separated and now i am waiting for my annulment of marriage ( in my country we dont have any divorce..i was born and raised in the Manila now i live in Italy and i work here)) I remember the pain and as i look back i understood that I had to go thru that pain because God cares for me and loves me as well as my only daughter.
Now, I am very happy and thank God for the blessing of having someone new and for the hope of starting a new life. I praise God because during the times i was down, torn apart, and lonely God reached out thru the help and love of my friends and family. He is gracious and loving all the way. Don't give up my dear sister! God loves you..dearly and he will never never leave nor forsake you. I will pray for you...God is good always..!!

Thank you so much. I actually feel tired and drawn all the time. Concentrating on others lets me forget about him but in doing so, I'm neglecting me. I never thought I'd be this messed up this long.

 

[4Christ2]

4Christ2....you too have given some good advice. I'm really not the crying type and of late it seems to be all I do. My eyes are constantly swollen/red. I just wasn't admitting to you guys what I was dealing with. I thought not talking about it would make it go away....I was painfully wrong. I hope I don't burden you but I look forward to emailing you....Thank you so much.

Helping another in her time of need is never a burden. Don't wait too long to send that email. I'll keep watch for it! Jesus is Lord Girlfriend...don't forget that!

 

[yenguccia]

dear pboop,

focus on God...surrender everything to HIM.
focus on his words...lift all your worries to HIM
he will be your guide!!

 

[tryingtobeagain]

Remember that it is ok to hurt. Remember that you are not alone. God is always there with you.

I will share with you a poem that I wrote when my husband left me. I found great comfot in knowing that God was with me.

HE Held me

The night before he left/ he held me/ He held me and I didn't know that it may be the last time I felt his arms around me/ at least for a while/ I slept somewhat peacefully/ what seemed like normal/ and it felt different/ but I didn't take the time to acknowledge the difference/ He was planning on leaving/ and I didn't notice/ or maybe I did/ and maybe I didn't know how to stop him/ I didn't know how to reach out and hold him back/ I let him do all the holding/ and if I could go back/ I would hold him/ I would cherish the peace I felt in his arms/ I would savor each second of his touch/ I would let my fingers interlock with his/ and I would ignore the world around us/ I would pull him closer/ until there were no pockets of air between us/ just flesh/ next to flesh/ and I would allow myself the pleasure/ the pure joi of being next to him/ But I didn't do that/ I fell into the oh-too-common rut of routine/ I let myself roll away/ unconsciously in my sleep/ I tossed and turned/ and was up and down/ I gave into my physical pain/ I sometimes experience/ and his arm felt heavy/ even painful at times/ and occasionally I asked not to be held/Now my body aches to feel that weight of his arm on my body/ I wonder if I'll ever be able to feel it again/ and not feel it like I felt it before/ but feel it like I needed to feel it/ and I question if I'll ever feel secure again/ like I did that night before he left/ when I didn't know he was leaving/ and just wanted to give in to the fatigue my body felt after a long day/ Now I imagine that he's holding me/ I bunch the covers up over my torso/ to pretend that I'm not without him/ because the reality of sleeping without him holding me keeps me from being able to sleep/ and last night/ when I gave into that reality/ of being alone/ of being without him/ of not feeling his touch/ and the regret of not appreciating his hold when he did hold me/ and when I gave in/ it was too much for me to bear/ I cried out to God/ I asked why/ I begged for another chance/ just on more night with him/ to once more feel his arms around me/ and God answered/ and HE Held me.