Whats the point?

[SinkingShip]

Not to lead anyone to think I'm seriously depressed (I don't feel that way yet), but why do I keep struggling with an illness where my own consciousness wants to tear its self to pieces and destroy me in the process? I'm tired of having to take meds so that I don't hear voices or see things or think thoughts that have no basis in reality. I'm tired of having to regulate and neutralize my mood because my brain is malfunctioning... and all for what? To live a life thats going to involve more pain and more struggle just to end in death? Why fight any of it anymore? Life is a struggle and I just don't see why I should keep fighting to live it when its just going to end eventually anyways. Maybe time to just drop my meds and let the disease run its course and see where it takes me (for better or for worse, and it will definitely be for worse). I hate my life and how much effort I have to put into it just to get out of bed in the morning. I just want to be happy and I can't remember if I even know what that feels like or if I've ever known what it feels like.

I'm sorry for ranting. I'm not going to do anything to harm myself, even in this state I know that going off my meds would be a disaster that I'm not prepared to deal with. I'm just really tired and can't remember why I get out of bed in the morning any more. It just seems like every day is more trouble than its worth.

 

[St. Paul]

You need to start enjoying life is what you need to do. You aren't going to feel any better just sitting around being miserable. Do you have friends? Do you have a car? What sort of hobbies are you into? If nothing, you need to find hobbies. The more you busy yourself with activities, the less time you have to be moping around and being depressed. Get out and socialize!!

 

[mum24]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I do understand the frustration and despair over everything. It's a hard life. Cling to Jesus during this dark time even if it seems unrelenting and long... He won't let you go and He has a purpose for you my friend. I know that you have helped many people, including me. The Lord wants to be your comfort and He will provide for you as well. Don't give up.
It sounds like you are depressed and maybe you should talk to your doctor about it. Maybe he can help. I need to take my own advice because I'm in the same boat. Maybe we can do this together? Don't give up. The future is not bleak. There was light once before and there can be again.

 

[NewCovenant]

Sink, I understand how you feel. I really do. But keep in mind that we are not to be led by our feelings, we are to be led by the Holy Spirit. Our purpose is to serve God. We all drift from that purpose and that adds to our depression, giving us this "What's the point?" feeling. The point is to serve God, and that's a huge thing. Refocus on God, on Scripture, on prayer, and discover how God wants you to serve Him.

 

[Espie1979]

Hey SinkingShip. I know how you feel as I have felt the same way many times before as I too suffer from Bi-Polar. I know people try and help by saying pray and read scriptures and that there is a plan for you. To be honest, I don't find any of that helpful, especially when you're down or depressed. It's hard to feel any exceitement when feeling as you do. From my own experience, I have found taking medication helpful but have gone on and off it as I hate taking it - especially because of weight gain which makes me feel depressed, the very thing the med's are supposed to help. Whether you have bi-polar or not, life is actually pretty pointless anyway so i think just trying to enjoy it anyway you can is really the main goal. I found inspiration in woodworking making celtic knotwork crosses. I find if I can focus on enjoying that I can feel some enjoyment. To be honest, even after all these years of being bi-polar (19years) I am still yet to find a solution to feeling good all the time, but I still find life can have moments of pleasure and joy. As someone said earlier, finding a hobby or inspiration can be very helpful or joining a local community group of some kind. I recently joined a group called the Men's Shed where you can do woodwork and metal work but the real point of the place is to interact. Well, I hope you find someway to find purpose, I know it's not easy but it's worth trying even for the few moments of joy you might find.

 

[Goodbook]

New covenant is right.
First thing first. You say to live a life that is just more pain or struggle just to end in death?
When you believe in Jesus and His word - that just isn't true. He says he is the way the truth and the life. He was raised from the dead..and saved us from sin, now if you don't believe that then I don't really know what you are doing posting stuff here on this Christian forum for so long...??
Prayer is powerful. It was the only thing that worked for me. Thank God he delivered me from manic depression - bipolar disorder. I no longer have to feel sorry for myself - Jesus paid for all my sin. He says he blots out my iniquites and transgressions and remembers them no more.
Is it hard to believe? I don't think so. All you have to do is trust in Him. Scripture says in Proverbs 3:5 Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not into your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight.

The point of life is not to feel good all the time. What God gives us is joy, contentment and peace even during times of suffering, because we gladly serve Him. Elsewere it says in scripture that we must keep the faith, fight the good fight and we will be rewarded in heaven with a crown of righteousness.

To the question..what is the point? The point for christians is our conversation which is in heaven also we look for our saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the reason I get up everyday and I rejoice and thank him each day for the new life he has given me - and he will give to you as well, all you have to do is ask Him.

 

[SinkingShip]

Thanks for your responses. To be honest, I'm tired of praying to God and not getting a response. I really don't care what his plan or his purpose is, not any more. I'm just emotionally drained right now and really wondering why I bother to put up with the continuous ups and downs of life when it all is just one disappointment or stressor after another. Why is it that I'm not allowed to be happy? I'm sick of it. I list myself as agnostic because I'm not sure what I believe about God. I believe he exists, and I believe I'm forgiven of all my sins, but life just seems like a waste of time. I'm miserable or numb all the time now. I'm getting pressure from my wife and family to start having children when I'm not even sure I want to stick around to see them grow up, much less to actually deal with all the stresses and hardship of raising them. I take very little joy out of life and feel guilty when I do, as if I'm somehow going to pay for it later with more hardship. I know some amazing people who I care about deeply, but I can't find a way to express that and I'm sure that I'm somehow idealizing them or placing far more emphasis on the relationship than is warrented or that they can return.

If God does have a plan, then I'm really, really disappointed in it. This life has been one disappointment or hardship after another - I've had to fight for everything, including my own sanity. If this is God's plan or if he's allowing this "for His Glory", then he can seriously keep it all; I really don't want any more to do with it and would rather just move onto the next phase of existance, even if its nothingness. I'm tired of being told I have to live for God now and do his will. What about my dreams and aspirations, aren't they good enough for God? Why bother creating me with them if they're just going to add to the pain? This is all just a sick cosmic joke and my life is the punchline. I'm like the guy in the card game who ended up with the joker card and is now one card short of a full hand. Ha ha, good luck playing with that.

I'm just really, really tired of it all. I'm tired of picking up the pieces only to watch it all fall apart again. There's no point to fighting if you can't remember what you're fighting for or what your objective is. God isn't carrying me through this; he's dragging me, face-first on the rocks. He's not helping and he's not going to help.

I have an appointment with a therapist this Wednesday and an appointment with my doctor next thursday. We'll see what they say; maybe there's some wonder drug they've been holding onto that they can try. I'm not asking to be happy all the time, I just want to get through a day without feeling that there's "no way out". I've gone as far as my faith, patience, and perseverance can take me and its just not enough.

 

[Espie1979]

Hey SinkingShip, I must say that I am concerned for you. You sound quite desperate. I like the fact you are seeing a therapist (psychiatrist? maybe) and your Dr.
Getting the right medication can make a difference. It took me years to get the right combination and dosage to help me. I now med's aren't the total answer but they can really help. I currently take Zyprexa and Zoloft which works for me. As I don't really know you or your family/wife it's hard to make suggestions on how to deal with them pressuring you about children.
I can really relate to how you're feeling and sometimes feel that the definition of hell is my own mind. With that said, I have also enjoyed many aspects of my life too and am certain that you can too with the right meds and support whether that be family or professional help or even support groups for bipolar. Please don;t give up, I know that it's hard to see any ending to your mental torment but there is a solution to getting you well again. Please keep me posted to how you get on with your therapist and Dr.
All the best.

 

[RedheadedPrincess]

Hang in there! I know for me therapy alongside meds has really helped. I go to my counselor at least biweekly and it helps a lot. Also last September I made the decision to get a psychiatric dog to help with my depression and anxiety. I am currently working with a trainer to train him and he is almost done. Since having him I have had very little depression. He brings me happiness, companionship, and something to look forward to.

 

[mum24]

Prayers for you

 

[Christownsme]

Sinkingship,
You have A LOT of courage to say what you have, especially being honest in being disappointed in God. Your complaint is much like Job's. And he had friends that would say this or that, but part of what you need from us is a listening ear. And silence on our part. You are going thru one hell of a lot. I've been there. My meds are worked out now. And I think at 40 years old, the disease has gotten milder. I rarely have a manic mode, my depression is proportionate to how desperate I get from time to time, and my delusions are very mild. Believe me, God cares for you. But believe me again, you won't know how to know this.

I have studied Job and studied Job. I firmly believe that he did not have a mental illness, but I also believe that his situation was like ours. Job did not know how he ended up in the mental confusion he was in. Satan was behind it, and Job hadn't a clue. Also, God was ultra silent thru Job's misery. God is silent thru much of our pain, too.

And I know the last thing you feel like doing is reading Job, or a good commentary on Job. I don't blame you, and advise you to rest and let your mind build itself up mildly and gently.

I'm writing this with tears, because I know how painful this is for you. But your condition is probably surrounded by medicine and illness that dulls your emotions. You forgot what happiness is. Your hope has perished from the Lord (or seems to have). You'd give anything to go to a time and place where your emotions could work on a ground level line, without going out of control one way or another. To have a healthy fluctuation.

I hear you. I will be praying for you. I have already anyway.

I'll say something that is most reassuring to me when I hear it, is that you are deeply thought of, honored, and loved by your maker and creator. He has allowed a terrible disease, but He still loves you stronger than you realize. He loves you, and longs to coddle you on his knees. I pray for you that the love of God would saturate your being, that God would straighten out the medicine to where you can feel and not be on such terrible bipolar highs/lows. Please hang in there, it sounds like you will. You're very courageous. You don't need to do things you don't want to right now, like socialize. You need to take care of you. Yell, scream out to God. Cry. Look at a picture of your parents, or of a peaceful time in your life. Draw on anything you can. God will not look down on you for anything you do. God allowed you to be this way, and is His responsibility - his faithfulness - to keep you safe and sound. If this isn't happening, make your complaints to God. He knows what you feel anyway.

 

[SinkingShip]

Thanks for your thoughts, words, and prayers everyone. Most of the depressive episode has passed, and I think I've already gone "over the hump" of a hypomanic episode, which means another depressive episode is probably on its way. I have an appt with my psychiatrist on Thursday; time to up the meds again it looks like. These cycles are taking a lot out of me each time and I'm not "bouncing back" from each cycle anymore; each time I feel like I'm getting weaker and weaker.

Family and most of my friends aren't any help; I think this has just gotten to be too much for my wife to deal with so I'm not even filling her in on the basics anymore - she just tells me to "be happy" and asks "whats wrong with you *now*?"

I feel guilty about leaning on my friends for support or help, its not fair to ask them or anyone else to deal with me or this. I'm tired of waiting for God to unveil his "great plan for my life" when its becoming more apparent by the day that I'm not happy with anything in my life and I'm not going to be happy unless I take enough meds to neutralize all of my emotions. I keep feeling like its just a matter of time before everything starts to collapse around me and the last of my supporty network finally gives way. I feel like I'm running out of reasons to keep fighting.

 

[Goodbook]

SS
I had that a lot with people saying 'be happy' from people who were taking anti-depresseants themselves. Don't listen to them. Happiness is fleeting and it is just feelings. Joy comes from knowing God even in the midst of suffering. This is what Job said 'the Lord giveth, and taketh away, praise ye the Lord'

I also had from christian friends the 'God has a plan for your life' thing as well. Some plan I thought..why then did I have this manic depressions?! But it's true, that God can cause good things to come out of even the most dire situations.

But the verse that struck me if 'The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.' I realised that there was nothing wise in what I was doing and I was just relying on myself and others instead of just trusting in God alone.

'Trust the Lord your with all your heart, lean not unto your own understanding, and He will make your paths straight'

It isn't that God promises mere happiness either. Was Jesus happy when he was crucified on the cross? I doubt it! Sometimes we have to go through suffering to refine us. In fact Jesus said we must take up our cross daily and follow him. Jesus said to cast all our worries and burdens upon him and he will take it upon himself. Give it to God.He will take it from you - you are right nobody else can except Him. He will give you a NEW life. That is His promise.

You know the great thing about prayer? You can talk to God about ANYTHING and He will listen. You don't just wait for Him..you start talking to Him. Cry out to Him. He doesn't charge you anything for your time. He just wants to be with you and for you to really know Him.

 

[Live In Stereo]

Well sinking ship I was stable and doing well for a few weeks and this weekend. Here I am feeling just like you. Same thoughts of what's the point aint getting any younger. At one time I was fairly well way back and Loved God so

 

[Wings4all]

I agree, its time to adjust or change your medications. If you aren't taking them faithfully, though, you may not be giving them a chance to work. You shouldn't have to feel this low. If you're looking for purpose and meaning, you could start right here with this forum. Reaching out to others helps them and it helps you.

 

[SinkingShip]

Thanks everyone - met with my Dr and we're going to increase the Lamictal to 100mg daily, making my current daily regiment:
Wellbutrin - 150mg
Lamictal - 100mg
Luvox - 150mg
Abilify - 5mg
Lorazepam - 2mg

I take everything religiously - same time every day even, except the Lorazepam which is "take as needed" because of its addictive nature.

Irritability is back and I don't want to sleep, which are two of the indicators of a hypomanic episode being in progress and I think my "Delusions of persecution" are back as well. I feel like I could burn the world to the ground as punishment for creating me. I have an appt with my psychotherapist this thursday, which will give me a chance to talk more about this. Days like today (and most of my days recently), I really regret ever being created.

 

[Biker Angel]

Hi SinkingShip, I am praying that your new meds/doses will be the help you need to get back up again and out of depression. I was depressed for 2 years but for the last 2 months I have been on Effexor XR and it is helping a bit. I can remember just a few months ago wanting to be dead b/c the pain of the depression was so great, but I also knew that God would help me find a good med and He did. I am praying that you will feel good enough to be glad that you were created.

 

[SinkingShip]

Hey Everyone,
Thanks for all your help and posts. Meds have kicked in and mood is stable again. Interesting how my mind works when depressed - I guess its more to talk to the therapist about. Has anyone had any luck with getting specialist opinions? I'm thinking of seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in BiPolar in NYC to have my diagnosis and meds reviewed since the latest could be a sign that the meds or dosage could be off.

I need a vacation from all of this

-SS

 

[romans1133]

ooh a vacation from the pain? take me with you! seriously tho, i'm glad to hear things are evening out for you. God will take care of you just like He always has. i'm praying for you, brother.

 

[SinkingShip]

Does anyone have any cognitive/behavioral approaches that they've used to help combat depressive episodes in the past? My mood is all over the place these days and my coping strategies/abilities are just getting hammered.