I know ... *sigh* ... I know. But even just the attraction, just feels like it does not belong in the heart of this particular aspiring knight. Unfortunately, while it was a thing of beauty intended by the Lord, somehow over the centuries since creation we mortals have managed to screw it all up. If we had not done so, I imagine that I would not even be having this struggle at all right now. Romantic attraction and the company of beautiful and noble female friends I welcome, and somehow I have managed to keep it at that with all of my lady friends Sheena, Nicole, Quieted, Lioness, Brianna, and everyone else here in our community regardless of how physically attractive I believe them to be. But when it goes into sexual territory, such as with Mayella, i just feel that something is not right, that it doesn't belong. It's just ... in my way. I don't really know a better way to describe why this presents a problem to me rather than accepting it as natural. Just that it is a burden to me right now.
But know this, everyone, that when I say all of this I dare not think poorly of any of you who may have been with someone - or even two or three - before marriage in your own lives. Not at all. Just in case you were wondering if my talking this way means that I would be the type to judge something like not being a virgin before marriage. Please do not misunderstand. This is a personal battle for me.