What's Normal?

[RachelZ]

Hi all...hope everyone's having a good day or at least a day when the OCD is not too loud and intrusive!

I'm really struggling with accepting the OCD at the moment...not that I doubt much that I have it, that is almost glaringly obvious...but I really struggle with just believing that my main anxiety is to do with it more than reality. I just don't know what is normal...what is a normal marital moment when things aren't all as you'd like them to be and what is a normal reaction to such a moment? What are the normal feelings other people have within relatioships and what are an indication that all is not well? What am I supposed to feel and not feel as a wife? What is me dumping my baggage and my anxiety and my OCD onto things? It's spoiling things between us and for his sake as well as mine I don't want that. To give an example, last night we were at a carol service that my sister who is a music teacher was helping to put on at her school. We took our 23 month old along and he was basically behaving like you'd expect a 23 month old to behave...which was mostly not quietly. It got quite stressful and then we were asked to write something down and I asked my hubby to do it and he said he hadn't heard what to do so I tried to explain but he said for me to do it. I got upset cos I felt I was doing quite enough with looking after our little one...not that my husband wasn't involved in that too but I just felt pressured and stressed to keep him as quiet as possible for the others present. Well he picked up I was upset and we had a minor few words and I apologised...but the anxiety which goes with an example like that is horrible. It makes me feel like the realtionship is fundamentally wrong and that in turn makes it hard fro me to relate as a loving wife. Then I think am I just over-reacting? Anway, I was awake in the night feeling horrible about it and it's still gnawing away at me today. The thing is, is that OCD affecting things or is there a real problem? I just don't know and I sometimes feel that maybe I've been kidding myself for years trying to accept that it's not the relationship but my reaction to things in an anxious and OCD way that is the problem. But I end up doubting this so much and it's binding me up in a prison of emotions and a feeling that I can't be all I want to be. Does any of that make sense? I know I don't usually go into too much detail about the content of my obsessions and have done so more here hoping that might help people know what is going on...I don't usually cos I feel disloyal. It makes it very isolating to have all this mostly going on in me that I can't share with the majority of people. I just need to know...REALLY KNOW if I'm being a fool or if this is OCD. Please could you pray for a miracle...that God would show me...thanks all...take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Rachel,
All I can tell you is that OCD does have a way of magnifying things. The example you gave sounds very typical of a marital relationship to me. These kind of things may not occur between couples if both parties are very, very (add a few more very's) "laid back" and easy-going. For the rest of us...uh, this kind of things does tend to happen.

I have my bachelor's degree in Family Relations. When I was in college, I remember one of the classes talked about various kinds of marriage. I remember one of them was called "conflict habituated." I related totally to that at the time. Our first five years we fought all the time! But ...here we are ....married 33 years now. We have a wonderful marriage. We rarely ever argue or have a conflict now. I am head over heels in love with my husband. In fact, I was then. But yes, we had conflict!!! And a lot of it!! Do I think it really wasn't meant for us to marry because we had conflict? NO! I really believe that we were and are supposed to be married.

I don't know if my .02 on this helps any, Rachel, because I know we tend to be irrational in the area our OCD afflicts us, but I really believe that your marital expectations may be too high and this is allowing your OCD to run rampant with you here. Hope that doesn't sound offensive. I don't mean to be. All I'm saying is that at least the kind of thing you described in very, very common even in the best of marriages. Again, just my opinion....

 

[RachelZ]

Hi KayKay...thanks so much and sorry I wasn't able to reply sooner! No nothing you said sounds offensive and I really appreaciate your take on it! Although I know it won't cure the OCD I do find it helpful when people like yourself and my best friend tell me it's all normal stuff, it's my reaction to it that isn't normal! I'm trying to work on it and appreciate the help you've given!

I'm really glad you have a great marriage...it's so encrouaging to hear that you've been marrried so long despite the conflict earlier on!

Hope you're having a good weekend...take care and many thanks again, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

I second what kaykay said..that's normal! Part of recovering from OCD was accepting that things were not and would never be perfect in our marriage. It was ok to feel negative sometimes. It was ok to disagree. It was ok to feel like my husband was getting on my nerves. It was ok to feel... just ok! When I allowed room for all of the emotions that I was fighting against having (because they brought up anxiety over things not being perfect), they started to become less of a big deal. The key is to never stop acting lovingly, even when you feel those negative things or have negative experiences, like fighting. The other day, I was really frustrated with myself and mad at myself, and I ended up taking it out on my husband. I felt horrible afterwards, and wondered and started worrying why I snapped at him. What if? What if? What did it mean? All it really meant was that I was having a bad day, and because I am a sinful person, I ended up making a mistake and taking it out on my husband. But ALWAYS, I know I have the choice to still act lovingly, or at least try. And when I fail, I ask for forgiveness!

Normal is relative, anyway.

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Sad...that's really helpful! It's encouraging to know you still "What if?" but can overcome it! It's also really good to be reminded and encouraged to act lovingly no matter how I feel! I'm still trying to regularly ask for a joyful spirit...hope that's helping you! I really hope you're doing well at the moment!

Thanks ever so much for your input...as ever you talk a lot of sense! It is so helpful to see this is not a reaction peculiar to me or my situation. Happy Christmas and new year to you , take care, Rachel