What's it like having BPD?

[ILH]

My perspective: I am diagnosed with Aspergers, Generalised Anxiety and now, potentially BPD. I’ve had mood problem since a very young age (pre teens, say 12 years old?) and I’m now 26. This original discourse in my life turned me against religion and spirituality. I believed that the pain I was suffering must mean there is no religion to believe, etc.

But not all those with BPD do self harm. (Statistically about 30% don’t) I used to, but I haven’t now for about 5 years, which is great. They still say they feel I must have it though. This to me is okay, I feel like a reasoning will give me some clarity into why I am the way I am. However I no longer let my labels lead who I am, or what life path I have ahead. I technically am agnostic but I am opening my mind and heart slowly to religion and or spirituality. I want to see if my potential reborn belief could help me with my own self, and how I talk to and treat others. All the best.

 

[baptistgirl21]

***Do not read if you are struggling with suicide or have been abused in any way***
I have BPD and trust me, its bad. Every day I want to die but can't because if I do then I will go to hell for committing suicide. I crave for love and affection but I feel like everyone hates me. I want someone to care for me so bad. I also have a HUGE fear of abandonment. If I feel like someone is abandoning me or hurting me and my family, I explode with rage. I threaten murder, suicide, anything. All because I have a fear of being abandoned. I self harm and even neglect my dog who I love very much. I am very controlling. If I don't get my way, I feel like everyone hates me. And when I feel hated or like I'm a "problem", I EXPLODE with rage. I mean I go BZRK!! I beat peoples property (cars, houses, etc.) with anything I can find (preferably an axe). All because I want someone to stay in my life and never leave me, or because I don't get my way. My heart aches every day. I cry myself to sleep at night. My mood swings are SO severe. One minute I can be happy, then the next I'm slicing up my arm. Despite all of that, I still go to church. I don't really read the bible but I look up bible verses online when I'm sad. It helps for a second but quickly stops. I pray but mostly to die, or to avoid abandonment. Of course I do not get my way so I feel hated. Afterwards I usually end up cutting myself or punching a hole in the wall with anger. Not because I'm a spoiled little brat. But because I feel like a problem or that God hates me. My emotions are always all over the place. If suicide wasn't a sin, I would kill myself in a heartbeat. But sadly I cannot.
I also have social phobia, so I never really speak to anyone. I have 0 social skills and no social life. I also have GAD and OCD. All of my anxiety disorders are left untreated. I've been on every medication known to man and none help. Only cutting. I have too much anxiety to have faith that God will heal me. How do I know if he will truly heal me? I have trust issues due to being molested and abandoned by the ones I love. So mine and God's relationship is a little rocky, but I try. I'm not perfect. So to answer your question, it's like being set on fire but the fire never goes out and you never seem to die. You're always burning and have 0 relief.

 

[Jlaw260]

I have BPD and was diagnosed about 6 years ago. I obviously cant speak to your issued that you deal with.

What is like? Well the best short description "emotional deregulation" and i do have swings. Do I have anger issues? Not really, as I have overcome a great deal of that through DBT. Now a lot of my frustrations are internal conflict within my mind and thoughts. People tell me I am the easiest going, stress free, and happy. IF they only knew!

One trait is seeing things in "black and white" and judging your feeling. Someone (or something) can be bad one day, and good the next. I know work at seeing grey and not judging. Honestly the past year with the division in our country and races, has really made me see everything in a different light.

While I do not care what most people think and somewhat (or days) I am very secure in who I am, then others I think very low of myself when I see my symptoms create problems in my life, esp relationships. Although one good description is the saying "thick skinned" people, while is to be said that people with BPD do not have a lot of that protective layer, and are very sensitive. For me it is abandonment, and or fear of.

I do have issues and conflict with my relationship with Christ. I pray for guidance and direction, and have a tough time feeling and hearing what comes from God, or my own mind telling me what I want to hear. I have made lots of bad decisions (impulsive) decisions in my life.

I do have impulsive decisions, sometimes with spending. I am the type that I fear not living and I spend money on making memories. Traveling and exploring so part of that I love about me. I am not into material things. Basically I go with the flow and do what makes me happy (outlets) and look back and think "man was that dumb". Im a daredevil and a adrenaline junkie.

NOW, onto some responses here that do not fit everyone with DBT. There should be some clarification. There is a wide variety of cases and it differs from person to person. Its a illness. Think of like skin cancer or pancreatic cancer. Some match all the traits, different ones, and some match a few. Matching 5 of them usually warrants a diagnosis. Is there a manipulation component? Yes, but to label that with everyone with BPD is flat out wrong. To say that all of BPD patients are very difficult and hard to treat? Wrong again. Having the awareness and desire is tough. One the desire is there, treatment CAN be easy, although its not a diagnosis that as some say "go away". You can however manage them and to say that you do not "fit" the criteria of 5 that is needed.

I have never been hospitalized and the majority of men I have been in group therapy with havent either. I have never cut either. Keep in mind there are extreme cases, and most of what people read on the internet speak towards that mostly hence the reason for a misunderstanding about the illness.

How I found out? I struggle most of my life with depression and high times where life was super awesome and exciting. It took the lowest I have ever been where suicide was a strong thought. My sister ask that I see a DR to do a full eval. She researched many, and off I went. I thought I was bipolar (2 hypomanic), and when I met him, he did not diagnose me but rather said, I want you to look up BPD and learn about it over the next 30 days and lets talk again. When I looked it up, instead of being worried, so much weight was lifted off my shoulders as I finally found the reason "why" I was the way I was. The awareness alone changed my life because I knew the answer and there was a solution to a better life. I do not even recognize myself when I think about years ago. I never took a anti depressant again, which actually can make the symptoms worse and found a medication (with no side affects) that is awesome.

Lastly when I thought I was bipolar, the DR said no way and described it like this. Bipolar mood swings can be long periods of time while BPD can be rapid. Hour to hour even vs weeks to months. With bipolar when someone is manic and depressed, even winning the lottery wouldnt snap them out of it. With BPD it would be rock bottom to highest of highs in a second ha.

This is something you might want to just consider to explore if you really want an answer. I would reach out to a DBT and a therapist that can recommend a good DR that sees a lot of patients with BPD. The reason I say that, is BPD is hard to diagnosed and is widely missed. Everyone I saw never even brought it up for 18 years. As teenagers and young kids is almost always past off as ADHD, which is part of the reason. Stimulants can make BPD a lot worse.

Well I ended up spilling more that I planned, but I hope this helps

 

[Jlaw260]

When I read your story it breaks my heart. But I just wanted to say I was rough and there is a big light on the other side. I cant tell you how many time I cried out to God, and ask for him to take this away and nothing. My faith had been shattered over and over. I kept coming back to him, and I finally prayed after a deep breath sitting still. I simply ask "God will with you lead me to to the answer". He answered my prayer and when I look back on that moment it is so transparent he was with me along my journey. Have you ever looked into DBT? There are a lot of great testimonies online of its affects. It changed my life. If you ever have questions or simply need encouragement feel free to PM me.

***Do not read if you are struggling with suicide or have been abused in any way***
I have BPD and trust me, its bad. Every day I want to die but can't because if I do then I will go to hell for committing suicide. I crave for love and affection but I feel like everyone hates me. I want someone to care for me so bad. I also have a HUGE fear of abandonment. If I feel like someone is abandoning me or hurting me and my family, I explode with rage. I threaten murder, suicide, anything. All because I have a fear of being abandoned. I self harm and even neglect my dog who I love very much. I am very controlling. If I don't get my way, I feel like everyone hates me. And when I feel hated or like I'm a "problem", I EXPLODE with rage. I mean I go BZRK!! I beat peoples property (cars, houses, etc.) with anything I can find (preferably an axe). All because I want someone to stay in my life and never leave me, or because I don't get my way. My heart aches every day. I cry myself to sleep at night. My mood swings are SO severe. One minute I can be happy, then the next I'm slicing up my arm. Despite all of that, I still go to church. I don't really read the bible but I look up bible verses online when I'm sad. It helps for a second but quickly stops. I pray but mostly to die, or to avoid abandonment. Of course I do not get my way so I feel hated. Afterwards I usually end up cutting myself or punching a hole in the wall with anger. Not because I'm a spoiled little brat. But because I feel like a problem or that God hates me. My emotions are always all over the place. If suicide wasn't a sin, I would kill myself in a heartbeat. But sadly I cannot.
I also have social phobia, so I never really speak to anyone. I have 0 social skills and no social life. I also have GAD and OCD. All of my anxiety disorders are left untreated. I've been on every medication known to man and none help. Only cutting. I have too much anxiety to have faith that God will heal me. How do I know if he will truly heal me? I have trust issues due to being molested and abandoned by the ones I love. So mine and God's relationship is a little rocky, but I try. I'm not perfect. So to answer your question, it's like being set on fire but the fire never goes out and you never seem to die. You're always burning and have 0 relief.

 

[baptistgirl21]

When I read your story it breaks my heart. But I just wanted to say I was rough and there is a big light on the other side. I cant tell you how many time I cried out to God, and ask for him to take this away and nothing. My faith had been shattered over and over. I kept coming back to him, and I finally prayed after a deep breath sitting still. I simply ask "God will with you lead me to to the answer". He answered my prayer and when I look back on that moment it is so transparent he was with me along my journey. Have you ever looked into DBT? There are a lot of great testimonies online of its affects. It changed my life. If you ever have questions or simply need encouragement feel free to PM me.

Yes I looked into it and I'm seeing a great therapist. I actually seen her today but sadly I didn't feel happy like I did the last time. I'm glad God and DBT helped you. Therapy has helped me understand why I feel a certain way and what my alternatives are instead of cutting. I wish I could use them but it seems so easier to just give in to cutting since it's the only thing that helped from the beginning. God has also helped in a way. I mean, I would've never found a great therapist if it wasn't for him.

 

[bhsmte]

I have BPD and was diagnosed about 6 years ago. I obviously cant speak to your issued that you deal with.

What is like? Well the best short description "emotional deregulation" and i do have swings. Do I have anger issues? Not really, as I have overcome a great deal of that through DBT. Now a lot of my frustrations are internal conflict within my mind and thoughts. People tell me I am the easiest going, stress free, and happy. IF they only knew!

One trait is seeing things in "black and white" and judging your feeling. Someone (or something) can be bad one day, and good the next. I know work at seeing grey and not judging. Honestly the past year with the division in our country and races, has really made me see everything in a different light.

While I do not care what most people think and somewhat (or days) I am very secure in who I am, then others I think very low of myself when I see my symptoms create problems in my life, esp relationships. Although one good description is the saying "thick skinned" people, while is to be said that people with BPD do not have a lot of that protective layer, and are very sensitive. For me it is abandonment, and or fear of.

I do have issues and conflict with my relationship with Christ. I pray for guidance and direction, and have a tough time feeling and hearing what comes from God, or my own mind telling me what I want to hear. I have made lots of bad decisions (impulsive) decisions in my life.

I do have impulsive decisions, sometimes with spending. I am the type that I fear not living and I spend money on making memories. Traveling and exploring so part of that I love about me. I am not into material things. Basically I go with the flow and do what makes me happy (outlets) and look back and think "man was that dumb". Im a daredevil and a adrenaline junkie.

NOW, onto some responses here that do not fit everyone with DBT. There should be some clarification. There is a wide variety of cases and it differs from person to person. Its a illness. Think of like skin cancer or pancreatic cancer. Some match all the traits, different ones, and some match a few. Matching 5 of them usually warrants a diagnosis. Is there a manipulation component? Yes, but to label that with everyone with BPD is flat out wrong. To say that all of BPD patients are very difficult and hard to treat? Wrong again. Having the awareness and desire is tough. One the desire is there, treatment CAN be easy, although its not a diagnosis that as some say "go away". You can however manage them and to say that you do not "fit" the criteria of 5 that is needed.

I have never been hospitalized and the majority of men I have been in group therapy with havent either. I have never cut either. Keep in mind there are extreme cases, and most of what people read on the internet speak towards that mostly hence the reason for a misunderstanding about the illness.

How I found out? I struggle most of my life with depression and high times where life was super awesome and exciting. It took the lowest I have ever been where suicide was a strong thought. My sister ask that I see a DR to do a full eval. She researched many, and off I went. I thought I was bipolar (2 hypomanic), and when I met him, he did not diagnose me but rather said, I want you to look up BPD and learn about it over the next 30 days and lets talk again. When I looked it up, instead of being worried, so much weight was lifted off my shoulders as I finally found the reason "why" I was the way I was. The awareness alone changed my life because I knew the answer and there was a solution to a better life. I do not even recognize myself when I think about years ago. I never took a anti depressant again, which actually can make the symptoms worse and found a medication (with no side affects) that is awesome.

Lastly when I thought I was bipolar, the DR said no way and described it like this. Bipolar mood swings can be long periods of time while BPD can be rapid. Hour to hour even vs weeks to months. With bipolar when someone is manic and depressed, even winning the lottery wouldnt snap them out of it. With BPD it would be rock bottom to highest of highs in a second ha.

This is something you might want to just consider to explore if you really want an answer. I would reach out to a DBT and a therapist that can recommend a good DR that sees a lot of patients with BPD. The reason I say that, is BPD is hard to diagnosed and is widely missed. Everyone I saw never even brought it up for 18 years. As teenagers and young kids is almost always past off as ADHD, which is part of the reason. Stimulants can make BPD a lot worse.

Well I ended up spilling more that I planned, but I hope this helps

Very well stated. I dealt with someone with BPD for many years who was very close and they refused to acknowledge they had a problem. Many with BPD, will in fact refuse to admit they have an issue and they typically shop therapists, until they find one that agrees they are the victim.

 

[Jlaw260]

Here is an amazing alternative that I loved. You would be surprised how finding the right coping mechanisms can be a big difference. That is main part of DBT.

Keep a couple of frozen oranges in your freezer. Anytime you feel stressed or like cutting, go grab that orange and hold it tight in your hand for a while. The coldness of the orange becomes uncomfortable, yet keep holding it. The whole premise is redirecting your mind to the discomfort in your hand, and steering it away from the thoughts of that urge to cut, or stress. Take anything with that has detail and stare at it, and try to focus and pay attention the detail. It doesnt matter if it last 4 seconds. When you take a sip of a drink, focus on the taste, the feel, the movement of your tounge. In the shower focus in on the sparkle of the water. When your walking outside listen the sound of the wind or the sound of the cars going by. Read up on mindfulness and meditation. It is powerful and takes practice, but redirecting the mind becomes very intriguing.

Here is a pioneer of 9 key attitudes, by Dr Jon Kabit-Zin. EVERYONE could benefit from these

Yes I looked into it and I'm seeing a great therapist. I actually seen her today but sadly I didn't feel happy like I did the last time. I'm glad God and DBT helped you. Therapy has helped me understand why I feel a certain way and what my alternatives are instead of cutting. I wish I could use them but it seems so easier to just give in to cutting since it's the only thing that helped from the beginning. God has also helped in a way. I mean, I would've never found a great therapist if it wasn't for him.

 

[Bluerose31]

I spoke with 2 counselors telling them I think I am BPD. I described my behaviors and they said doesn't sound like BPD.

I have social phobia, am a loner, am an introvert, obsessive behaviors sometimes, and a really hard time controlling emotions. Have bad emotional outbursts and pace and deal with anxiety. However, I seem normal mostly and have been able to get along semi okay in life aside from freaking out on people I'm in relationships with or family members. I also deal with bad depression and mood swings.

They said this sounds like bipolar if anything and that BPD personalities like to be around people. Is this true?

I have BPD. I do like to be around people sometimes but I am still shy actually.

 

[Jack Meredith]

I spoke with 2 counselors telling them I think I am BPD. I described my behaviors and they said doesn't sound like BPD.

I have social phobia, am a loner, am an introvert, obsessive behaviors sometimes, and a really hard time controlling emotions. Have bad emotional outbursts and pace and deal with anxiety. However, I seem normal mostly and have been able to get along semi okay in life aside from freaking out on people I'm in relationships with or family members. I also deal with bad depression and mood swings.

They said this sounds like bipolar if anything and that BPD personalities like to be around people. Is this true?

Sounds a lot like me. I have Asperger's Syndrome, an autism spectrum disorder. Take the 50 question AQ test (autism quotient) on line. It was composed by the world's leading Asperger's expert, Simon Baron-Cohen (Sasha's brother). Google "AQ test" and try to get one that you don't have to give any info to get the results. It is not diagnostic, but only indicative.

 

[salt-n-light]

I spoke with 2 counselors telling them I think I am BPD. I described my behaviors and they said doesn't sound like BPD.

I have social phobia, am a loner, am an introvert, obsessive behaviors sometimes, and a really hard time controlling emotions. Have bad emotional outbursts and pace and deal with anxiety. However, I seem normal mostly and have been able to get along semi okay in life aside from freaking out on people I'm in relationships with or family members. I also deal with bad depression and mood swings.

They said this sounds like bipolar if anything and that BPD personalities like to be around people. Is this true?

Doesn't sound like BPD. They have a checklist, in which you have to fit 5 of the 9 criteria. Based on what you pointed out, barely hits 2.

But it does sound like moderate-high depression and anxiety( which is what I've used to suffer with). I would rather take a test for depression. But always consult your doctor.