Whats going on?

[angelluv]

This is terrible. I should be happy, not depressed. I shouldn't be broken hearted. I should be used to being tossed out in this storm. Whats wrong with me.

I've been major depressive for sometime now, and I just got a new diagnosis stating the major depression was mild. I should be happy about that.

My therapist has cut down how much I have to see her, now, it's once every two months. Yet for some reason I feel depressed.

I know part of it is I found out the friends I've been telling myself I still had for this year have given up on me. But I found that out two weeks ago, I should be over it by now.

It feels like I'm being ripped apart. Like my heart has a puncture in it that will never be healed. This depression is making me nuts. I have been doing so good for about a year.

I am on antidepressants 150 mg effexor, and 2 mg risperdal.

I've been praying a lot, but having trouble giving it all to God. I think I'm just looking for support right now, as I have no friends. I have a family, and we get along okay, but they don't quite understand my whole situation.

 

[Catherineanne]

This is terrible. I should be happy, not depressed. I shouldn't be broken hearted. I should be used to being tossed out in this storm. Whats wrong with me.

Hiya Angelluv. There are a terrible lot of 'shoulds' in your post. Something I try to do when these shoulds creep into my thinking, is to answer them back. Who says you should be happy? Who says you shouldn't be broken hearted? Who says you should be used to the storms of life?

Whoever it is, this Should Police is rather heartless, and is driving you to punish yourself for perfectly normal, reasonable and understandable feelings, which any person on earth can and will at times share with you. So why is everyone else allowed to feel, while you are not?

Something I say to my d over and over is that feelings are allowed. It is behaviour which we have to be careful of; we make sure we do not hurt anyone by our behaviour, but nobody is hurt by my feeling anything, so feelings are allowed. Any feelings at all.

Is it depression which you have or ptsd? Just wondering, but this will make a difference to both your symptoms and your coping abilities.

So, to rewrite your thoughts, try this version for size and see if it fits rather more easily. And if so, talk to your therapist about it. And rest assured, you still have friends. :

This is terrible. I am feeling depressed. I am feeling broken hearted. I feel as if I am being tossed out in this storm. Whats wrong with me.

I've been major depressive for sometime now, but I just got a new diagnosis stating the major depression was mild. I am unhappy about that, but confused about why I am unhappy, because mild is better than major. But not if it is not realistic, and I do not think it is realistic to call my depression mild, just because I have struggled to make such an effort to improve.

My therapist has cut down how much I am able to see her, now, it's once every two months. So I have every right to feel depressed, because I need her help, and she is pulling away from me before I am ready for this to happen.

Some of my friends have been less than supportive recently, and I now feel as if I have lost them. This is very painful, and two weeks is nowhere near enough time to grieve for their friendship. The grief for my friends, at the same time as the loss of my therapist, is overwhelming.

It feels like I'm being ripped apart. Like my heart has a puncture in it that will never be healed. This depression is making me nuts. I have been doing so good for about a year.

I am on antidepressants 150 mg effexor, and 2 mg risperdal.

I've been praying a lot, but having trouble giving it all to God. I think I'm just looking for support right now, as I feel as if I have no friends. I have a family, and we get along okay, but they don't understand anything at all about my whole situation.

 

[angelluv]

Thank you, yes that does sound better. One of my friends, though has told me she can't really talk to me anymore if I go back up to college. She says things about strict boundaries or something. I understand why boundaries have to be in place, but strict boundaries? Nobody else she hangs out with has strict boundaries with her, why am I so different. My friends that I made from college are 5 hours away from me, which makes me feel lonely.

I have both PTSD, and Major depressive disorder. I also have borderline Personality disorder and adult attachment.

 

[jsimms615]

This is terrible. I should be happy, not depressed. I shouldn't be broken hearted. I should be used to being tossed out in this storm. Whats wrong with me.

I've been major depressive for sometime now, and I just got a new diagnosis stating the major depression was mild. I should be happy about that.

My therapist has cut down how much I have to see her, now, it's once every two months. Yet for some reason I feel depressed.

I know part of it is I found out the friends I've been telling myself I still had for this year have given up on me. But I found that out two weeks ago, I should be over it by now.

It feels like I'm being ripped apart. Like my heart has a puncture in it that will never be healed. This depression is making me nuts. I have been doing so good for about a year.

I am on antidepressants 150 mg effexor, and 2 mg risperdal.

I've been praying a lot, but having trouble giving it all to God. I think I'm just looking for support right now, as I have no friends. I have a family, and we get along okay, but they don't quite understand my whole situation.

It seems to me that to some extent depression defies explanation. I have thought some of the same "shoulds" that you have. I'll be praying for you and if you want to talk just pm me and I'll help you if I can.

 

[spoiltbrat2003]

Depression is never mild, Not when you feel isolated, lost inside your head.
I am sorry to hear about your friends, I made a thread not long ago about feeling people have given up on me,

It's hard to feel rejected, Even people online and I felt a blow.
The only person that will be able to heal you is you, Get some friends around you who know its an illness and know they have to be able to see past it to know you.

I am still hurting, but I keep telling myself the ones who shunned me, weren't real friends anyway.
Real friends are there when You need them most.
You will find people like that I am sure!

Theres no timescale for depression
(often I feel like I am serving a prison sentance in my own head)
And when people say pray to God he will heal you it makes me feel worse because I keep asking myself when ?

I try and see it as a battle, It's a fight for surival initially. Its an illness and sometimes You may been intensive care, sometimes you may relapse and you know the road to recovery is nearby.
People have little tolerance for wounds they cannot see.
But there are people out there who have suffered the pain, bore the scars and lived to tell the tale, and are helping others as a result
You have to be one of them, You have to fight the depression by wanting to get up in the mornings, setting goals and acheiving them.(however small you may think they are)
God is on Your side...and so are we

 

[Catherineanne]

Thank you, yes that does sound better. One of my friends, though has told me she can't really talk to me anymore if I go back up to college. She says things about strict boundaries or something. I understand why boundaries have to be in place, but strict boundaries? Nobody else she hangs out with has strict boundaries with her, why am I so different. My friends that I made from college are 5 hours away from me, which makes me feel lonely.

I have both PTSD, and Major depressive disorder. I also have borderline Personality disorder and adult attachment.

Thought so. The meds you mentioned looked familiar.

First of all, as to boundaries. I have had this same situation. Some years ago I had a friend who was very supportive to me, but I did not realise how much of a burden I was to him, and he had to set boundaries. I found this very painful and took it that something was very wrong with me; I wanted so much to belong, and instead I felt as if I was being held well away, as if I had leprosy or something.

At the point where he did that I discussed the relationship with him, and we completely reinvented it. I stopped looking for support, and I changed it to my supporting him instead. It ended up as mutual love and support, which is what friendship is.

Ten years later we are very, very close, and very good friends. I can call on him from time to time, but mostly I don't, because that is not what he is there for. He is there to share good times with, not to dump all my trash onto.

This is a very difficult lesson to learn, but we each must learn to stand straight, rather than leaning on others. When we are depressed, and particularly with ptsd, it is very difficult to be aware of the impact we are having on other people.

I would suggest you read up on ptsd, and on boundaries, and contact your friend in due course and agree to what she has said. Tell her that her friendship is worth more to you than anything, and that you will do what it takes to keep that friendship. Thank her for telling you about the boundaries, rather than just giving up on you without telling you why.

We all need boundaries for our own protection. Ptsd can be catching, oddly enough, and counsellors who deal with people with ptsd can end up with what is called secondary trauma. Maybe your friend is beginning to suffer from this as well.

Meanwhile, I recommend you to take a look at a book by Dr Judith Herman, called Trauma and Recovery. You may well find a path to recovery from this. Dr Herman talks about something she calls complex ptsd, which she says is often misdiagnosed as bpd. The symptoms include depression, and attachment issues can be a significant cause. So instead of a list of symptoms you may well find that this is a puzzle with a solution, after all, and that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with you after all.

http://www.jimhopper.com/trauma_and_recovery/

http://www.jimhopper.com/trauma_and_recovery/

 

[angelluv]

Thank you for the book reccomendation. Maybe I really don't have BPD after all. That would be so wonderful. I'll definitely check the book out of the library. I just have so much thats supposedly going on with me I'm surprised I'm standing on my two feet at all. I'll definitely read up on boundaries, and work towards trying to reinvent the relationship with my friend.
Thanks.

 

[UnitynLove]

Hello I will pray for you sis I will be your friend

 

[HolyOne87]

This is terrible. I should be happy, not depressed. I shouldn't be broken hearted. I should be used to being tossed out in this storm. Whats wrong with me.

I've been major depressive for sometime now, and I just got a new diagnosis stating the major depression was mild. I should be happy about that.

My therapist has cut down how much I have to see her, now, it's once every two months. Yet for some reason I feel depressed.

I know part of it is I found out the friends I've been telling myself I still had for this year have given up on me. But I found that out two weeks ago, I should be over it by now.

It feels like I'm being ripped apart. Like my heart has a puncture in it that will never be healed. This depression is making me nuts. I have been doing so good for about a year.

I am on antidepressants 150 mg effexor, and 2 mg risperdal.

I've been praying a lot, but having trouble giving it all to God. I think I'm just looking for support right now, as I have no friends. I have a family, and we get along okay, but they don't quite understand my whole situation.

I know how you feel..friends abandoning you when you need them the most. Mine did a month back and it still bothers me to this day. They are allowing me to rebuild the friendship, but things arent the same as they once were.They are still treating me differently, and not letting the past go.

I thought of it this way (after current events that has happened). God took people that didn't care about me out of my life and entered people that did (i started meeting new people last week and they are very nice and religious and loyal). Maybe God is doing that to you too..Maybe He is going to enter some loyal friends who will be there for you no matter what.

I would love to be your friend. I am always looking for people to talk to and stuff. Feel free to PM me if you would like to be friends.

In the meantime, I will pray to God that He will be there for you and will lift you of this burden. May He be there to help you carry this cross that you can not bear on your own. I ask this through God..Amen..

+God Bless+

 

[angelluv]

Yeah it really hurts because the person that decided to give up on our friendship always seemed trustworthy. I trusted her enough to believe what she said about always being my friend even when I didn't need her. Now I see where that got me. I don't want to admit defeat, and I'll try my hardest not to until this boat stops rocking.

 

[Catherineanne]

Thank you for the book reccomendation. Maybe I really don't have BPD after all. That would be so wonderful. I'll definitely check the book out of the library. I just have so much thats supposedly going on with me I'm surprised I'm standing on my two feet at all. I'll definitely read up on boundaries, and work towards trying to reinvent the relationship with my friend.
Thanks.

I think myself you are too young for such a diagnosis to have any meaning, so no, I would not say you are bpd. But I am not a doctor, only someone like yourself, trying to find a path through a very difficult stage of life.

You sound very strong and determined, and it also looks as if you value your friend, and want to work towards making it work. This looks to me like a perfectly normal, perfectly sane approach. I wish you well.

From Trauma and Recovery (p 126)
These three disorders (bpd, multiple personality d and somatization d) might perhaps be best understood as variants of complex posttraumatic stress disorder, each deriving its characteristic features from one form of adaptation to the traumatic environment. The physioneurosis of ptsd is the most prominent feature in sd, the deformation of consciousness is most prominent in mpd, and the disturbance in identity and relationship is most prominent in bpd. The overarching concept of a cpts syndrome accounts for both the particularlity of the three disorders and their interconnection. The formulation also reunites the descriptive fragments of the condition that was once called hysteria and reaffirms their common source in a history of psychological trauma.

Many of the most troubling features of these three disorders become more comprehensible in the light of a history of childhood trauma. More important, survivors become comprehensible to themselves. When survivors recognise the origins of thier psychological difficulties in an abusive childhood environment, they no longer need attribute them to an inherent defect in the self. Thus the way is opened to the creation of new meaning in experience and a new, unstigmatised identity.

... Recognition of the trauma is central to the recovery process.

 

[angelluv]

*sigh* I still feel icky. Now to just get a hold of my psychiatrist to see if we need to do changing of drugs. I'm going to bed.