What would you do?

[Sidewinder314]

My wife grew up in a Pentecostal, Arminian-promoting church. I would call myself Reformed Charismatic. Prior to our marriage (almost five years), I played a couple sermons to her which God used to really open her eyes about the errant theology that she had been taught. In listening to other sermons by Reformed preachers, she has continued to grow in her understanding of the Reformed faith. All of this has given her both new clarity and great confusion.

In a conversation we had tonight - specifically in relation to things spiritual - I asked her if she trusted me. She said she trusted me with her physical being, her emotions, her safety, her provision, etc. but she did not trust me in leading her spiritually. She quickly affirmed that this had nothing to do with me, but that after decades of being taught a set of beliefs by people she knows loved and cared for her, her world was rocked and she no longer knows what is true (she hasn't abandoned Christendom, she's just unsure of where the truth within it is). She's a natural follower, so she easily accepted the opinions and teachings of her former pastor (we do not currently live in the area she grew up); however, if he was wrong (with, what she believes, his studying much of the Word), then there is less certainty (though, not necessarily less probability) that I could be right in my Reformed leanings (though, I have studied Scripture a decent amount myself).

She constantly struggles with issues of acceptance (from God or others) and though she mentally knows that we are saved by grace through faith and not of works, she still has a hard time believing that God could love her apart from what she does (teachings on 1 John mentally play over and over again in her mind). She went from believing in a God who loved her to a God that hates her in her iniquity (she does not know if she's been regenerated - she still loves some of the things of the world knowing that God does not approve of them). One of her greatest fears is dying and she thinks about it quite a bit (from what she has told me).


I suggested that we go talk to our pastor about her concerns. She's unwilling to do so on a couple grounds:

1. We are new to the church and she doesn't want our first real interaction with the pastor to be such a one that defines our future with him in this way as he interacts with us down the road ("Oh, they're the couple that came with <x> issue....").
2. She doesn't "want to lose that much self-respect."

Though I do desire my family (currently wife, and Lord-willing future children) to follow my leadership, I desire her (and, later, them) to have a reasoned faith, not a blind one. I want them to know the Scriptures (she's currently never read through the entire Bible). However, she does not have much desire to read the Bible at this time. This is not to say that she doesn't follow my leadership, but more that she does so in deed and the accompanying belief may or may not be there. As a my personality is leadership-driven, and spiritual matters are of the utmost importance to me, this has (within me) created somewhat of a lost intimacy (perhaps false intimacy since the issue wasn't so clear previously) with her.

Since she claimed her lack of trust in me was nothing of my accord (she said that if she married any one of our other godly male friends that she would have had the same issues/struggle with them - meaning, it would have been independent of them too), I asked her what her plan was in seeing how we could increase her trust of my spiritual leadership. She indicated that she didn't have one at this time.... Under some gentle prodding, she said that she needed to read through the Bible and ask the Holy Spirit to teach her what it meant apart from any "mortal interpretation" that someone else may have. I gently encouraged her not to forsake the Body of Christ and the wisdom God has given to them in understanding - but she retorted that she couldn't trust anyone's interpretation until she figured out what it all meant first on her own.

She would be mortified if she knew that I was discussing this with anyone we knew, so I really don't have anyone to talk to about it... which is why I'm posting on the Internet as a somewhat anonymous person.

Thoughts like, "Do I have an unregenerate wife?" and "Am I destined to be married to an unbeliever for the rest of my life?" and the accompanying thoughts of the inability to have spiritual intimacy with my wife plague me.

I guess what I'm asking for is a "what would you do if you were in my shoes?" I'm a bit discouraged and distraught over this. Thank you for your advice, encouragement, and support.

 

[Regenerated]

I know how you feel. My wife some times tells me that the doctrines of grace is to much for her. She tells me some times to stop talking about she doesnt want to here it. I cant even find a good teaching church to go to. Just ask God to do a work in her that only He can do. Pray that He will open her heart to understand what He is saying in is word. I feel what you are saying and it is hard. My heart goes out to you and your family. I will be praying for you. Just all ways preach Christ and Him crucified. And know there is power in His word.

Your brother in Christ,
Chad Tyler - Regenerated

2 Thessalonians 2:13But we should always give thanks to God for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and faith in the truth.
14It was for this He called you through our gospel, that you may gain the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.

 

[heymikey80]

Be careful not to ask too much.

Look, you want her to be submitted to the Bible alone, when it comes to matters of faith & practice. She's been following someone else -- someone priestlike -- for years. She needs to listen to what you say that is Scriptural, then you will be her spiritual authority on the content of what God has said.

I know this is very difficult to establish. I'm not good at it either.

She needs to change both her methods and who she's relying on. Neither her pastor nor you will be there when she comes before God's Throne.

To me the Reformed doctrine absolutely necessitates that God is more permeating, more deep, closer, and more interpersonal than I can imagine. And yet He still loves me, even in this close relationship with a sinful person. God's not careless with our sinfulness or our flippant choices or willfulness.

That has driven me and my wife. I would've never noticed it without her, and she would've never headed in that direction without Reformed doctrine.

So I wish you well, but it's tough to deal with. Ultimately, kindly urge that she shouldn't be looking at other people (or what they claim / say) as examples of "where this ends up". Nobody can handle that kind of pressure. No one is perfect. She'll end up with nice-looking hypocrites if she goes by example. That's the only danger I've run into (with other people than my wife).

And for the record, I like Boettner's "Reformed Doctrine of Predestination" for a presentation and response to the major criticisms.