What would you do?

[God-free]

Five years ago, one of your parents-in-law died leaving behind an elderly spouse with physical health problems (some, but not all, of which are exaggerated by hypochodria), as well as mild dementia. Also left behind are 4 adult children. Three of the adult children are married with children of their own. The 4th, and eldest, adult child is your spouse to whom you've been contentedly married for 2 decades.

During these last few years, your surviving parent-in-law has become much needier and the dementia is more obvious. Your spouse is stressed. You are stressed. You begin to see a side of your spouse you didn't know was there. Your spouse is verbally and emotionally cruel to his/her parent. You've tried everything, short of involving the authorities, that you can think of to get your spouse to stop doing this. Finally, after you've pleaded for many months, your spouse and the other adult children decide to bring in a home healthcare worker to help out. Unfortunately, the healthcare worker is only with your parent-in-law from evening until morning.

For a short time, your spouse seems to be less stressed. But, now you've noticed the verbal and emotional abuse starting up again. You need to do something to stop it.

What would you do?

EDIT: To your knowledge, your spouse was not abused as a child. The parent-in-law lives alone (when the healthcare worker isn't there). Your efforts and suggestions seem to fall on deaf ears making you feel like an outsider with no say in how the parent-in-law is treated and cared for.

 

[WhatThe]

Wow that's tough.
Sometimes, parents and (adult) children just cannot live together. Horrible as it sounds, the parent may need to go into full time care (especially if his/her medical conditions warrent it) because being in that sort of stressfull environment would not be beneficial for anyone involved.
I don't know. It's a tough one.

 

[God-free]

WhatThe,

The parent-in-law lives alone, which makes the situation that much worse.

 

[WhatThe]

Oh that is tough.
Sorry i was assuming that the parent was living with the son.
I may very well be wrong, but there seem to be underlying issues here. Possibly the son was abused as a child (by either parent), or there was some sort of secret covered up, and now that he is in a position of 'power', he is getting his revenge (although he may very well be doing it unconciously).
Like i said, i could be wrong, it's just a theory.

 

[God-free]

I've edited to OP to include additional details. I'm wondering what people, in this situation, would do because it seems like a no-win situation to me. The parent-in-law must be protected. And it looks like, no matter what happens, a 20-year marriage is going to end. How can this be handled with the least amount of animosity and destruction?

 

[jayem]

The aged parent needs to be in assisted living. He/she may not want to go, but there's no choice. My 85 year old mother, who is mildly demented tried living alone, but it just didn't work. She wasn't eating, she wasn't taking care of the house, and she fell a couple of times. Her situation was even harder for my sister and me because we all live in different states. 2 years ago, after my mother fell and hurt her back, we just had to go down there, and tell her she was going to the retirement community--no ifs, ands, or buts. We were fortunate to find a nice place (and my mother has the financial means to afford it.)

Assisted living is not a nursing home. More like a condo development. She has her own apartment, she gets 3 meals a day in the dining room, and there are people to watch her. They take the residents on field trips and have activities for them. She likes it. She's said she won't go back to living alone. And it's infinitely less stressful on my sister and me.

Your spouse and his/her sibs need to find a nice senior living facility. They have to get their parent's finances arranged to pay for it. Hire a financial planner, if necessary. They may have to sell the house or chip in themselves if their parent's monthly income isn't adequate. If their parent balks, they can tell him/her it's a temporary arrangement for 3 to 6 months, just to see how it goes. If you find a good place, the odds are it'll work and the parent won't want to go back to living alone. And your spouse will be much less cranky and difficult knowing mom/dad is being cared for.

 

[God-free]

That's good advice, jayem! As it stands, the parent-in-law is financially sound, so there would be no monetary reason not to go the assisted-living route. It's been suggested. And, eventually, it may happen despite the parent-in-law's protests. In the meantime, the adult children are prone to saying (with such venom it's dumbfounding) things like "You're just like a baby. If you don't stop this you're going in a home." They seem to be blaming their parent for getting old and needing help. It's ugly. If they don't stop doing this the only moral thing to do as an an observer would be to report these incidents to the authorities so it can be investigated (even anonymously, it would be an easy guess who reported it) and that's a marriage-ender if ever there was one.

Let's say, the parent-in-law situation is over and all is well on that front. There's still a problem. You now know that your spouse has no patience in this kind of situation. You imagine yourself in the future, being stricken with some kind of catastophic illness or injury. This person, to whom you're married, has already demonstrated their propensity toward abusiveness. Do you stick around and hope it never happens? Or, do you end it now because, well, your spouse is not the person you thought they were? I'm thinking I'd rather be alone and sick than to be sick, abused, and unable to do anything about it.

 

[Autumnleaf]

You need to 'grow a pair' and let your spouse know how you see things. That is no way to treat your father/mother etc... Tell them to yell at you but not at the old person who needs their help. Help them help the old person.

Dealing with someone who has dementia is hard. You can only answer the same quesiton several hundred times before it gets annoying. Love your spouse, help them, and help the old person. You probably have the most perspective. Your spouse will probably go along with what you suggest so long as it helps them out of this and the one with dementia will probably be that way until they get worse.

That's just the way it is.

 

[God-free]

Autumnleaf,

Wow. There's no pulling-punches with you is there!? Remember this from the OP?:

You've tried everything, short of involving the authorities...

I intentionally made this thread non-gender specific. It could be happening to a man or a woman. It could be completely made-up. I take it you've assumed it's happening to me. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But, thanks for your input.

 

[FaithLikeARock]

My grandma and great aunt are dealing with this with their mom. But they haven't been doing so well either so mind if I take this advice and offer it to them?

 

[wanderingone]

Let's say, the parent-in-law situation is over and all is well on that front. There's still a problem. You now know that your spouse has no patience in this kind of situation. You imagine yourself in the future, being stricken with some kind of catastophic illness or injury. This person, to whom you're married, has already demonstrated their propensity toward abusiveness. Do you stick around and hope it never happens? Or, do you end it now because, well, your spouse is not the person you thought they were? I'm thinking I'd rather be alone and sick than to be sick, abused, and unable to do anything about it.

Most likely I would make arrangements for my future that recognize my partner's inability to cope with a specific responsibility. Relieving myself of the concern of being abused by them. I think knowing that I don't have to depend on someone who is not equipped to care for me would make it easier to put everything else in perspective.

I would then have to evaluate their behavior - their response to my intervention, do they know how awful their actions were? Do they act this way with all persons who are ill or needy? Are they willing to consider counseling to deal with why they react that way to a loved one in crisis?

 

[God-free]

My grandma and great aunt are dealing with this with their mom. But they haven't been doing so well either so mind if I take this advice and offer it to them?

I see no reason why you couldn't. It is a public forum. Caring for the elderly can be so very difficult for everyone involved. We need to keep in mind that someday WE could be the elder in need of help and treat them now the way we will want to be treated when it's us.

 

[God-free]

You are very wise, wanderingone! Excellent call!

 

[Autumnleaf]

Autumnleaf,

Wow. There's no pulling-punches with you is there!? Remember this from the OP?:

I intentionally made this thread non-gender specific. It could be happening to a man or a woman. It could be completely made-up. I take it you've assumed it's happening to me. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But, thanks for your input.

You're welcome. When someone unable to defend themselves is being abused its up to the rest of us to step in.

 

[Eve_Sundancer]

Regardless of how stressful the situation, it does not call for abuse. I'm sorry if you're somehow involved, or if it's a friend who's involved--I don't know and your private business isn't my concern. But abuse isn't ok. No matter how stressed I am at my son (and he's learning how to throw tantrums, so he tries my patience sometimes! lol) I could and would never abuse him. He's a baby, he can't help it. A person with dementia is like a baby as well, not able to understand the world like they ought to, and being unable to care for themselves totally.

I'd do my best to persuade the family to put the elderly parent into an assisted-living home. And once that is accomplished and the stress is allowed to recede I would talk to the spouse and explain all my concerns. About being in the parent's situation when you are older and in need of help, and of how cruel the parent was treated. If the spouse truly can't see the problem in what they were doing then I would suggest counseling. Maybe a professional opinion would help the spouse see the harm they have done to the relationship, both with you (not you specifically, but the "you" in the story) and with the parent. Even with dementia they were likely very hurt by the way they were treated. This shouldn't be allowed to fade away once the parent's situation is fixed--this is a sign of deeper problems that should be dealt with as soon as possible.

Best of luck to whomever this situation involves.