what would you do?

[snowboarder4life]

ok, picture being together with somebody, and already going thru the pain of hearing that you g/f, or b/f wasn't a virgin, then finding out that she/he might have an std? what would you do??? This may or may not be the case here, but i'm gonna be a stress case 'till i find out, then i'm not going to have a clue what to do.....

 

[Kusanagi]

ok, picture being together with somebody, and already going thru the pain of hearing that you g/f, or b/f wasn't a virgin, then finding out that she/he might have an std? what would you do??? This may or may not be the case here, but i'm gonna be a stress case 'till i find out, then i'm not going to have a clue what to do.....

1. If my GF was not a virgin, I would not hold it against her because I know that I am not suppost to judge other women and reject them because they were not virgins

2. If my GF has STDs, I would encurage her to under go medical treatment to cure the STD (If it's non HIV). If the STD is HIV, then I would not "do it" with her since I believe that the use of artifical contraceptives is wrong and dont want to risk a chance of catching HIV.

 

[ahmunmun]

Beat me to it. I was going to post a topic asking for advice about this.

It's not so easy to date a non-virgin. There's always the risk that he has STDs. How do I find out if he has it? I don't know. The problem is that some people who have pre-marital sex assume that they didn't get any STDs, but only find out after marriage that they did, and their spouse has to suffer.

Asking a boyfriend to take a blood test seems insulting, but how else would I know with absolute certainty that he doesn't have STDs? What happens if he assumes he doesn't have it, and I take his word for it, then after we get married, the STDs start manifesting and I find out that he has spread his STDs to me? I'd like advice about this as well.

 

[Arclight610]

Was the person honest and straight-up about it, or did they lie about it beforehand?

 

[Mskedi]

ok, picture being together with somebody, and already going thru the pain of hearing that you g/f, or b/f wasn't a virgin, then finding out that she/he might have an std? what would you do??? This may or may not be the case here, but i'm gonna be a stress case 'till i find out, then i'm not going to have a clue what to do.....

1. I wouldn't worry about my SO not being a virgin. It's part of the past, and what matters is what he thinks about his past and what he wants for his future. That's not to say it's fun, but it really is a non-issue.

2. The STD thing is simple, too. Finding out that he might have an STD seems weird. He either does or doesn't. Have him (or her) take a blood test and ask to be screened for everything. Then, depending on the results, move on from there.

It is not insulting or inappropriate to ask someone to do something that could protect your health. Also, depending on the STD, it could asymptomatic and could be harming your SO without his or her knowing. The test is necessary and should be taken regularly by sexually active people. (I would say even sexually active people in monogamous relationships since there is, unfortunately, so much infedelity in the world.)

 

[Mskedi]

What happens if he assumes he doesn't have it, and I take his word for it, then after we get married, the STDs start manifesting and I find out that he has spread his STDs to me? I'd like advice about this as well.

Why take his word for it? Ask to see the results from the doctor. If you aren't comfortable enough to seriously talk about these things, you're probably not comfortable enough to get married, either. So... ask when it becomes comfortable for you, but do ask. It's to everyone's benefit.

 

[Aggiegal]

I have dealt with this recently. I suspected that SO was not a virgin, and he wasn't. THis was hard to deal with.

I told him, that i wanted him tested before i commited to a life long relationship. At first he protested a little bit saying that he knew he didn't have anything. I pointed out that some things are asymptomatic but can cause problem later. This got him worried and he got tests within a week. Results recently came back and he is clean.

It is absolutly not offensive to ask your SO to be tested for STDs. If you are looking at a life long relationship with this person, it is your right to know.

If my SO had come back positive, I may have had to reevaluate the relationship based on what he might be carrying. somthing like HIV would prevent normal marital relations and building a family. Others are treatable. Something like HPV can be carried asymptomatically in a guy but cause cancer in a girl.

 

[ThatButton]

Why take his word for it? Ask to see the results from the doctor. If you aren't comfortable enough to seriously talk about these things, you're probably not comfortable enough to get married, either. So... ask when it becomes comfortable for you, but do ask. It's to everyone's benefit.

You can't see the results from the doctor without your bf/gf's permission but if they aren't willing to have you there with them to find out the results there may be a problem. Be supportive! You have every right to ask them to take tests.

As far as the original question. I would be very sad and worried to find out my bf had an STD. I'd be there to support him as long as the STD was not gotten while we were in a relationship.

 

[snowboarder4life]

yeah, not worried about her not being a virgin, 'cause i've dealt with that already... but if she has an std, then i don't know what i would do, probly depends on if its treatable or not... It's tearing me up inside tho, 'cause i don't really know whats going on, as we're in a long distance relationship, and she's not gonna be home for a few days, thus i get to stew on, and go over every possibilty while she's away. Hooray for my weekend

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

1. Neither of us were virgins. Even if one of us was, I sincerely doubt this would ever have been an issue - I thought about this situation cropping up when I was a virgin, and it still came up as a 'meh' issue for me (yes I was a Christian). We just both figure that those past events should have no bearing on any future relationship, so made sure we'd dealt with any fallout BEFORE we got back into a relationship. Better that way...

2. Well we're in this at the moment - I got a needlestick at work the other day, and the chance is EXTREMELY slim, but even so it's there, so we have to use condoms after the wedding until I have my 3 months 'all clear' test and results.

Either way - it wouldn't change our minds about being with each other. Those things make up us, and we made sure we knew what made up 'us' and our beliefs and opinions and histories long before it became romanticised.

Sasch

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I can only speak from my perspective as a non-virgin. My only requirement is that the Christian is now saving sex for marriage. I'd have to turn down someone was was HIV+. The rest of the STDs are non-life threatening-at least for men. Certain strains of HPV are supposed to be the most common cause of cervical cancer in women, but doesn't seem to affect men. Herpes is around forever, but is usually much harder on the woman and there are suppressive medications that can be taken.

It should be a requirement for marriage to have all of these tests for those that are too timid to insist. When asking for STD testing you really need to be clear with what you ask for. The last time I checked there were only 2 reliable tests for herpes. It must be a blood test because a swab will only come back positive if there is active shedding or a lesion.

Does the thought of an STD scare you health-wise or because you might think she is "dirty". If she has repented of her sin I would hope you would accept her as forgiven. God does the forgiving-not you. Unfortunately only having sex one time puts people at great risk of catching all kinds of things and most people are extremely ignorant of this.

 

[ahmunmun]

Why take his word for it? Ask to see the results from the doctor. If you aren't comfortable enough to seriously talk about these things, you're probably not comfortable enough to get married, either. So... ask when it becomes comfortable for you, but do ask. It's to everyone's benefit.

The problem was that I was too comfortable asking him about STDs. It came out really direct. I guess he was surprised because none of his past girlfriends asked him about STDs, and he made me feel guilty about asking. Thanks for reassuring that I did the right thing.

I told him, that i wanted him tested before i commited to a life long relationship. At first he protested a little bit saying that he knew he didn't have anything.

Yup, the guy who pursued me was just like your SO...

So did anybody else actually ask his/her SO to take the blood test? How did he/she react?

 

[Nyssa]

What's so hard or insulting about asking a partner to get screened for STDs? I really wonder because when my husband and I got together we were both screened (neither of us virgins, both slept with one person before) out of respect for ourselves and love for each other!

If you're adults, you truly love that other person as Jesus loves you and you're honestly mature enough to be thinking about marriage than you should be able to talk openly about this!

 

[bliz]

It's the attitude and the respponse to your request for blood tests that make all the difference, not so much if there is a disease or there isn't.

If the response is "Of course I'll get tested." that's a sign that she really loves you and fully understands the possible consequences of her previous actions.

If the response is "I don't need a test. I know I'm fine. God has forgiven me, so what is there to talk about?" you have BIG problems and I would suggest you rethink marriage with her.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

read the book of Hosea, yes we all want someone who is pure, but it may not be who God has planned for us. Are they saved? Having they been living a pure life since being saved? Jesus doesn't keep a record of what we did worng so why should we? As far as the STD, the question would be which one? Many are curable, any if it isn't, do you love this person, or are you only interested in having sex with them? It sounds harsh, but what if you found out they had cancer? and were terminal? Would you want to walk away? Or would you cherish the time you had left? Yes I understand that STDs are spreadable, but it reallys depends on what one it is and how it is spread, there are a lot of variables.