What to do with a three year old

[Beautiful Fireball]

That seems to enjoy discipline and takes pride in the fact that she disobeys? The little girl I watch is becoming sooooo difficult to handle. She can not be left alone with any of her brothers, she is violent and no matter what is said to her or how she is disciplined it doesn't seem to matter. She teases the constantly and will take what she wants when she wants it. When she gets up from time out to talk about what she has done she practically comes skipping towards you and is usually laughing. She ALWAYS knows what she has done wrong. She isn't my child obviously, but I need some tips on how to handle her.

 

[Birbitt]

I have found that the best way to deal with a child that doesn't respond to discipline is to use positive reinforcement. So when you catch her doing something good give her a small reward like a sticker or a few m&m's or something like that. Then perhaps she will enjoy the rewards so much she'll want to get them all the time and she won't be so naughty.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

She gets verbal positive reinforcement and I agree that that is better then constantly being on child for the negative. Its the violence thing thats the worst though. Her brothers (2,2, and two months) should not be subjected to that. How do you teach a child to be kind? She picks on them, will pretend to share something with them and then rip it out of their hands. She laughs when someone gets hurt, no matter if she is the one that caused it or not. Tonight she proudly announced to me that she had made her younger brother cry because she pushed him. Thats what is getting to me.

 

[Birbitt]

Ok first let me say that my next statement is really only a last resort...but I find that it does work. Tell her brothers (obviously not the baby) to do back to her what she did to them but explain that it's only ok because you said so this one time. See how she likes to be on the receiving end of it. I only say this because my younger child was a biter and a mean one at that well one day I had just had enough of everyone getting bit by him including his babysitter. So he bit his brother so bad that he had a huge welt and a bruise for days....I told his brother to bite him back but only this once and that if he bit his brother after this one time he would be in trouble...my little one never bit again. Again I would like to say however that this is not my usual stance on things but in this case I think it's probably the only thing that hasn't been tried yet. So really it's your call but I'd give it a try.

 

[KnowBeDo]

Take away what she enjoys. If that means segregating her completely, constantly, from those she tries to hurt, so be it.

If she isn't yours, I assume she has parents. Have you spoken to them? Tell them that unless something is done, you won't be able to continue to watch her.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

The mom is there with me. But she doesn't do anything. I know that her dad has had alot of talks with her and if he is there she is better behaved. When her mom is there all hell breaks loose. Her mom does not mind when I put the child in time outs or take away toys or anything like that. They know that their daughter is violent, but the dad is only there maybe one day a week so even though he does try to stop it its not enforced. The mom kinda lets them rule the house, what they want goes.

 

[peace in the vally]

This is a very good question, sometimes the problem is deeper than that. My sister has a child like this and she is called out of work everday to come get her because she bites hits and spits on the teacher and or students she is 4. She also laughs and nothing you can do is actually a punishment for this child. We found out that it is a way for her to get attention. You see she never really had the chance to be a "baby" so to speak...never got the bonding time. My sister put her in private ballet lessons on a scollership bases and it has helped tremendously, now I know that you can't put someone elses child in ballet but maybe do some one on one activity with her???

 

[Meshavrischika]

Take away what she enjoys. If that means segregating her completely, constantly, from those she tries to hurt, so be it.

If she isn't yours, I assume she has parents. Have you spoken to them? Tell them that unless something is done, you won't be able to continue to watch her.

QFT

somehow she is getting a reward for her bad behavior... figure out what that reward is (whether it is attention or whatever) and remove it. the problem will stop.

 

[KnowBeDo]

Fireball... can you elaborate on the situation? Are you working in a daycare or in this woman's home? Are there kids besides hers there? Are any of yours there? What's the deal?

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

I'm a personal nanny for this family and have been since last August. The mom gave birth to the 4th one at the beginning of March and will be going back to work after Memorial Day. I help with the care of the four kids (3.5, 2, 2, and two months).

 

[KnowBeDo]

You say the dad seems to agree with your assessment. I would ask them BOTH to sit down and have a discussion, without interruption from the kids. Tell them how you feel, and IF you feel like its something that you can't deal with, tell them that too. Let them know what your concerns are (kid's safety, your safety, etc). Be honest with them, but fair. If you decide that it is something you can't do, give them plenty of notice.

I think unless BOTH parents are on the same page as you, this girl will NOT change her ways. Her mother (based on what little I know) seems to be telling her it is OK to act that way. You may have some tough decisions to make, but I think important ones. Who knows, if you leave, it may be the catalyst that makes the parents actually start parenting this girl.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

I'm already leaving at the beginning of June, for MANY reasons. I guess I should just stick it out.

 

[KnowBeDo]

In that case, yeah. Just try to get a really good written reference letter if you can.

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

It really sounds attention seeking to me... especially if she has 3 younger siblings at that age. I know my 3 year old daughter is much more *difficult* if I don't give her much attention. Children want any attention, and Bad attention is better than none. I really agree with a one on one special activity, as well as making her feel special (even if it is tough and she's the last person you want to see!) like allowing her to help with jobs (my DD loves to 'help' with the dishes, or cooking - like grating or stirring), plenty of cuddles and catching her being good...

 

[lottepotte]

She may be longing for PARENTS love and attention. If the father is away so much and this mother goes to work so soon and as you say, she does not care, I am afraid she will have soon 4 kids like that.

 

[heart of peace]

I really feel uncomfortable playing armchair psychologist regarding a childcare situation online. I don't mean to offend you but you are only one person with one particular view of the situation. Granted, you may be a bit more objective since it isn't your child, I still feel uneasy about forming any opinions based on what you are posting here.

I am a bit concerned at your choice of words. Why do you say she is violent? All I can form an opinion about comfortably with is how you are choosing to view this child. I get the impression that you view her in a very negative light. She is 3 years old (not 10) and you are applying very mature descriptions to a very little person. It seems that her position as a negative child with a manipulating spirit is already formed in your mind, which also seems extremely etched with no chance of changing. I hope that this is simply a case of miscommunication but if it isn't, my suggestion would be not what can be done about the 3 yr old but how can you change the way you view this child? Children are very aware of others via body language among other things, they can quickly sense when they are liked or disliked by others.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

to the above poster:

You have not offended me in anyway and I know that I may not be the best person because I am just the nanny. But I am with these kids for 10 hours everyday, I have been a nanny for 3 years and have worked with A LOT of kids. I don't know any other way to say that she is violent. What would you think of a child who will randomly go up to her younger siblings and push them to the ground, and really hurt them, with no issue doing so. The other day her brother was sitting in an adult size chair (the mom was standing right there) and she decided that she wanted to sit there. She grabbed his arm, yanked him off the chair and seriously threw him to the ground. She puts blankets over the baby's face and if she is near him will hit him. If we tell her to use a gentle touch she just does it harder. She twists her brother's arms until they are crying. What other word would you use to describe it? She has TOLD me that she likes hurting her brothers. It is unsafe for her to be unsupervised with them and even if she is she will still hurt them.

I know that 3 year olds are asserting their independence and learning how far they can push boundaries. I know that three years olds don't have the language skills to express frustration and anger, but even after months of trying to get her to use her words or other ways to express her emotions her aggression towards others has gotten worse. She is rough with the cats, she will poke them in the eyes, bend their ears back, pull their fur out, and yank their tails.

There has to be SOME discpline if only for the sake of the other living beings in the house. She laughs when someone gets hurt. When you ask her to stop doing something because it is hurting you she continues. She will look you straight in the eye and continue doing it, often times harder then she was before.

She is proud of what she is doing. When I come in in the mornings I am often greeted with a huge grin and her update on how she has hurt her brothers. She has no remorse and thats SCARY. I have worked with preschoolers for years in many different settings and never have I seen a child show zero remorse for what they are doing.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

On another note. I try to be as positive as I can with her, I know she is frustrated. I praise her immensely when she is kind towards others or shares or whatever. She can be a very sweet child but those moments are becoming fewer. I'm not saying I am perfect in my view of her, but I am willing to change it. I understand she is only a child, but she has to learn that aggression isn't the way to do things. If she was in any type of social setting she would not be allowed around other kids.

 

[heart of peace]

Clearly the issues that you are describing are beyond the normal scope of an average 3 year old. I don't feel comfortable expressing my thoughts on why she may be acting this way without observing the family in question. How I would view this little girl is that she is a child who is struggling and is most likely reacting to something in her environment. Most likely an adult should be held responsible. A child at that age is not to be blamed fully. This is my opinion, which is based on experience and knowledge.

It is important to view this situation with different eyes. Here are some suggestions:

- Separate the child from the behavior. Instead of viewing her as the violent child, view her simply as a child. A child who is acting in ways that you deem to be aggressive or violent. The former view attaches a heavy label on to this child, the latter view does not attach any of our own judgments of the child.

- Her behavior is reflective of her trying to meet her needs, just like adults. It is merely that we as adults already have an idea of what is acceptable measures of meeting our needs, she is still learning these social norms. Since she does not lack the inhibition that adults have, she acts in ways many adults only dream of acting.

I realize that there are certain behaviors that you are describing that we as adults in this society deem inappropriate and we would actively seek to modify while teaching her effective behaviors, labeling her the violent kid only pits her in a role she is far too young to handle.

Oh, and thank you for not getting offended by my comments.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Clearly the issues that you are describing are beyond the normal scope of an average 3 year old. I don't feel comfortable expressing my thoughts on why she may be acting this way without observing the family in question. How I would view this little girl is that she is a child who is struggling and is most likely reacting to something in her environment. Most likely an adult should be held responsible. A child at that age is not to be blamed fully. This is my opinion, which is based on experience and knowledge.

It is important to view this situation with different eyes. Here are some suggestions:

- Separate the child from the behavior. Instead of viewing her as the violent child, view her simply as a child. A child who is acting in ways that you deem to be aggressive or violent. The former view attaches a heavy label on to this child, the latter view does not attach any of our own judgments of the child.

- Her behavior is reflective of her trying to meet her needs, just like adults. It is merely that we as adults already have an idea of what is acceptable measures of meeting our needs, she is still learning these social norms. Since she does not lack the inhibition that adults have, she acts in ways many adults only dream of acting.

I realize that there are certain behaviors that you are describing that we as adults in this society deem inappropriate and we would actively seek to modify while teaching her effective behaviors, labeling her the violent kid only pits her in a role she is far too young to handle.

I get what you're saying

I guess alot of my frustration comes from the fact that it seems ignored by the parents.