What to do when no longer attracted to wife?

[dysert]

fake it til you make it

For me personally, this has never worked (not just with sex, but with anything). Maybe it would work for Cody, though.

 

[mama2one]

Yeah, if you are not aroused, it won't respond. Love is not the same as arousal.

fwiw, neither of us look like we did in our 20's or 30's even

guess just saying, don't give up

 

[Dave-W]

if you are not aroused, it won't respond.

Not aroused to begin with, or not ABLE to be aroused? The former can be fixed with the right kind of stimulation.

Usually a lack of being able to be aroused is either from a hormonal imbalance or a mental block of some kind. That may need professional medical help.

 

[tall73]

fwiw, neither of us look like we did in our 20's or 30's even

guess just saying, don't give up

And that is why I am asking what the situation is. There is a normal process of aging that includes weight changes, among other things. You can learn to adjust your thinking in most cases.

However, that may not happen just by trying to have sex. It is more about the thoughts in your head then the actions you are undertaking.

He loves his wife and they get along so it is not primarily a relationship problem, as can often be the case.

He reports it is not related to the mourning.

He reports it is due to weight. So for now that is where we can focus, how to deal with changes in marriage, and how attraction works.

My wife and I are both attracted to each other, and there can be times when one or the other doesn't feel like sex, but the other does. So we can try and then usually get in the mood.

But if there is no attraction, and there is high expectation, then just trying can lead to more failure and more difficulty in the future.

 

[tall73]

True. But usually a lack of being able to be aroused is either from a hormonal imbalance or a mental block of some kind.

Agreed, but neither of those is corrected by just trying.

 

[Dave-W]

Agreed, but neither of those is corrected by just trying.

I added to that post.

 

[tall73]

There are some aspects of obesity that make both the physical act of sex difficult, and arousal that are not just related to appearance.

Many positions are uncomfortable, some are dangerous. Some may be concerned about whether sex is healthy at a very high weight, and that can limit arousal if he is worried.

There can be hygiene issues related to obesity.

The questions is whether this is primarily a problem of attitude.

And yes, depression, hormones, etc. can all play a role as well.

 

[tall73]

Not aroused to begin with, or not ABLE to be aroused?

So far the implication seemed to be lack of desire initially, and physical ability to be aroused, depending on what he meant by not being able to get it right for her.

 

[tall73]

. things may not be as solid and so it is more difficult to fake sex.

Any advice?

Ruling out physical causes first would be helpful.

Hormonal, bloodflow, etc. Also, do you get erections at night, as is usual?

 

[CodySmith]

What is her BMI?

Calculate Your BMI - Standard BMI Calculator

First time I've been asked that lol. I know what her weight was a month ago (cus of doctor visits). So as of a month ago it is 30.4 according to that calculator.

 

[tall73]

First time I've been asked that lol. I know what her weight was a month ago (cus of doctor visits). So as of a month ago it is 30.4 according to that calculator.

Thank you, so she is basically just barely qualifying as obese.

So I am guessing this is more related to just attraction than strictly physical impediments to sex for her or you?

 

[CodySmith]

Ruling out physical causes first would be helpful.

Hormonal, bloodflow, etc. Also, do you get erections at night, as is usual?

I dont have ED problems as a condition. Just have problems with her because I am not visually stimulated I guess.

 

[CodySmith]

just do it
fake it til you make it

haha I so wish this were possible. I pray for it. There is a difference between woman faking and men faking it. Men have to keep a certain muscle in check.

 

[tall73]

I dont have ED problems as a condition. Just have problems with her because I am not visually stimulated I guess.

You indicated she is working on the weight, and you have prayed about it as well.

This is not a blame question, just trying to get at the issue. Do you feel resentment, that she is trying, but not doing everything she can? Or do you feel she is legitimately doing what she can?

Were the surgeries weight related, or just made weight gain more likely (limiting mobility, etc.).

 

[tall73]

haha I so wish this were possible. I pray for it. There is a difference between woman faking and men faking it. Men have to keep a certain muscle in check.

This is true. However, if your wife desires sex, and you also want it to work, but it is not, you might try activities that have no relation to penetrative sex.

Manual stimulation can be pleasurable for her, and puts no pressure on you. And if she starts to get excited sometimes that can trigger arousal in you as well.

If nothing else it helps her and helps take the pressure off of you.

If your particular faith teaches that you must be open to procreation (Catholic, etc.) then you can try to do this afterwards, and as long as you are legitimately open to it I don't think they count physical issues against you.

In other words, try to please your wife, and hope it stimulates you. If you are not aroused, you are still trying, and helping your wife. But building up the expectation from both of you for penetration may just add pressure and make the whole thing less likely.

 

[mama2one]

So as of a month ago it is 30.4 according to that calculator.

that's it?
I don't believe it's her weight then; she has curves now but even with curves, women still have all the right body parts
come on, love on your wife

20 yrs from now, you'll wish she looked this young, this good

 

[tall73]

that's it?
I don't believe it's her weight then; she has curves now but even with curves, women still have all the right body parts
come on, love on your wife

A. He does love his wife. He is struggling.

B. This is why I ask the BMI question. While being just obese is a health issue, and does relate to attractiveness, it is different than someone not being able to get out of a chair, etc.

 

[tall73]

Not aroused to begin with, or not ABLE to be aroused? The former can be fixed with the right kind of stimulation.4.

Coming back to this in light of recent answers. Depending on their routine, this may be an issue.

To build on what Dave was saying, when men are younger they often don't need much of any prompting for sex. Visual cues are almost always sufficient. As they get older stimulation may be necessary. And so physical stimulation can help with that. It may be that the issue is only partly change in attractiveness. You may be to the point where visual enough doesn't cut it.

This can be provided by her actively stimulating, or even in positions where you can stimulate her and the position causes you to be stimulated as well. Forum rules limit further elaboration.

 

[tall73]

haha I so wish this were possible. I pray for it. There is a difference between woman faking and men faking it. Men have to keep a certain muscle in check.

What time of day do you usually try this? It might be easier to physically be aroused early in the morning than after you are tired from work.

Also, some studies postulate that morning erections are partly due to less release of inhibiting hormones while you sleep.

And as crazy as it sounds, one ecological study even found that people actually rate larger women more attractive when they are hungry. And people in regions with little food prefer larger women in general. I can't explain that one. But it might mean that right in the morning would be best.

And if you do it right after a big meal, while it could be romantic, it can also divert blood to digestion and give you a sluggish feeling.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Hold up... Was I the only one who saw that their child died? When I hear that, I wonder if the lack of attraction has less to do with her and waaaaaaay more to do with depression, especially if it happened recently.