What to do now?

[JohnDB]

Many of us either have been or are wishing to date again after being divorced for a good period of time and are looking to not choose so poorly as we did last time when we married.

We are looking to do a much better job the second time around. The stats on second marriage failures are quite high...something like a seventy something percent chance of being divorced again.

Getting married too soon after the first divorce is one reason...chemical dependance or alcohol abuse is another reason. I don't have any of those issues and neither did my ex...but...her mental health was the issue.

I hear the stories...the ones told and the ones whispered...and I know that I truly enjoyed being married...I likely will be again.

How do you avoid being in the SeventyPercent failure column?

 

[Divinah]

Take it slow. Don't rush in. Really take the time to get to know the person before really involving yourself.

 

[FaithfulWife]

First things first:

Just so you know, CF angels are praying for you!

Now, regarding your question I can certainly identify with that feeling! I remember distinctly feeling like "this is not the future that I had envisioned for myself--trying to start over again as an old person" (I guess somehow I always have considered myself old and young at the same time! )

Here's how I think you can have a better chance of not being part of the 70%. Now that you are alone and have the time to wrestle with it, NOW is the time to really examine yourself and do the work on any issues on your side. What I mean by this is that we humans can usually see our partner's faults CLEARLY--maybe even diagnose them when they refuse to go to counseling or be diagnosed. Well, things don't happen in a vacuum, and whilst our spouses may have been the "more major offender" we have issues too. They are responsible to clean up their side of the street--and we are responsible to clean up our side of the street.

Now, lest you think I'm getting let me share with you an example of what I mean. My first husband was a serial cheater--yes he cheated on our marriage about 13 times that I can document and probably way more often than that. He was also diagnosed bipolar and borderline personality disorder which he refused to do anything about other than take a pill which he declared "cured him." He was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive--frequently raging and screaming for hours. See how clearly I can see that? But our marriage didn't die in a vacuum. I had low self-esteem and let him abuse me. I had pretty much NO personal value! I did not have a clue about personal responsibility or boundaries, so when he blamed me for his actions, I believed him! I let him be abusive and cheat without having to face any consequences for his choices. Furthermore, especially moreso during the end of our marriage, I was not meeting his needs, and I was doing all kinds of behavior that destroy love such as screaming back at him, punishing, withholding...all kinds of mean things. Now, granted it was after years of mistreatment and abuse, but that's beside the point! I was responsible for how I chose to express my anger and for how I allowed myself to be treated!

Soooo...while I was alone I realized that in order to NOT be part of the 70% I needed to work on ME. I had to gain some self-esteem and self-value again. I had to learn about personal responsibility and boundaries--and even figure out what healthy boundaries were for me! I had to learn about how to express anger appropriately and let someone know when something was "not okay with me." And I had to go through some counseling for the years of beatings I had endured as a child so that I could learn what WAS and WAS NOT healthy--and what love was and was not.

AFTER ALL THAT, I began to be ready to consider dating. So at that point I still didn't date--I actually considered the TYPE of person that would be a good match for me. Obviously I'm a feely-emotional person, so if I married another feely person, we would be crying in each other's coffee all day! I need someone a little less emotional but not emotionLESS. I need someone who values my empathatic abilities but isn't hardhearted and ONLY a Thinker. I tend to be an introvert and extroverts exhaust me, so I thought an introvert would be better for me....ETC. Get the idea?

Once I had all that in place, once I met my now current dear hubby, it actually all fell in place fairly quickly. But it took a long time to get there to be ready to be in a healthy relationship. Make sense?


~Faithful

 

[Divinah]

Maybe your thinking too far ahead. You're mingling thoughts of beginning dating with possible marriage.

Yes, definitely using the blessing of singlness for building yourself up in Christ is the way.

And as you approach dating, dont be so serious. Overanalyzing will keep you from ever dating for one reason or another...trust me.

After building yourself up...The next step is to build healthy relationship skills with the opposite sex...even on a neutral level...that's where I'm at.

You're likely to date/meet a few goofballs along the way so if your going into it with such a serious attitude aren't you kind of setting yourself up for disappointment when you do?

Mingle before you agonize over marriage...

 

[Evangelina]

I found Boundaries in Dating (aka Boundaries Before Marriage in some countries) by Drs Cloud and Townsend to be quite useful. It's not particularly dogmatic, it highlights areas of a relationship that should be thought about... like, areas that a couple might have serious incompatibilities in.

 

[SearcherKris]

My pastor says that it take about a year to a year and half to get to know someone well enough to know if you should marry the person. He won't do a wedding for anyone who has known their fiance for a shorter time period than that.

I don't know that I agree with him. But I see wisdom in what he is saying. You should really know that you know the person well.

It's also been suggested to me to make a list of the character qualities I would like to see in a future mate. Pray over the list to see if God would have me change it in anyway. Allow God to teach me what kind of spouse he wants me to have. That way when I cross paths with someone, I can refer to my list to see if they meet the criteria. If they don't, then I will know they are not the right person for me.

 

[Divinah]

There should be certain foundational criteria...for instance, Christian. Desire to have children/ or not. Even specific elements of their Christian belief. All those types of things should be established in your mind as you pursue meeting people.

 

[Tink04]

How do you avoid being in the SeventyPercent failure column?

Here's a good sermon to listen too. It gives you lots of things to think about.

http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3781223&ct=4920959

(If someone knows how to do that link properly let me know.)

 

[Autumnleaf]

You have to pick a woman who lives the way the Bible says she should, and you should live the way the Bible says you should. When you have such high standards for yourself and those you associate with its hard to fail at marriage, or anything else for that matter.