Hi everyone.
For my whole life, I always felt I believed(still do) Jesus was alive and he died for our sins but even despite knowing that I find myself consumed and lost. I've been searching for answers and yet I still find nothing. I am sad and filled with fear. It's hard for me to dream knowing many things in this world are wrong.
So when my mother encourages me to go out and find a job. To do something with my life and not sit around. To not give up and enjoy my life. I should be motivated when I hear those words but I'm not, I'm always thinking about the end and how I would be judged.
It's kinda hard being optimistic about your future and thinking about a career when every now and then people talk about how the end is near. It feels like this life has nothing to offer.
I know I am a sinner and I am certainly ashame of who I am. Recently I've been asking God to forgive me for my sins. I'm trying to change diligently but I seem to fall back.
I can't overcome lust and many other things like lying and cursing. I find it so hard and I just can't imagine how possible it is to not sin.
If i can recall correctly the ones who don't follow the commandments don't really know Jesus. I want to be able to know Jesus and not half heartedly believe in him. I don't want to lie and be-filled with fear anymore. I want to be stronger, I want to be happy and see things clearly.
Edited:
I thank you for all the replies in this thread, I remain grateful for you guys taking your time responding to my thread.
I have another concerning issue. My mother told me it's okay to know from right and wrong and although I should be like Christ, I should not forget who I am. Should I consider that itself a contradiction, I mean I am nothing without Jesus right? My will means nothing and that I should pursue only God's Will right? My understanding of how my life is, is quite low maybe because I've been fooled to think a lot of things are okay to do in this world.
She tells me I should not take things to the extreme and that God Knows I'm a human being and there's only so much I can do; and How God wants me to be able to enjoy my life and have fun.
I'm starting to think my existence would mean nothing if I continue to do what I freely think is fun.(like video games, reading manga, watching shows etc.)
I'm probably comprehending what she is saying wrong and I pray that I'm not.
Please tell me what you think is God Will(preferably with some proof from the bible) and how I should look at it. Maybe your insight will help me too to see things differently and clearly.
*Note: My mother she believes in Jesus also and considers herself a Christian. She admits that at certain times in her life she has failed to do certain things but at the same time she also believes God understands her and will forgive her. From what I witness I notice she prays day and night. She works hard and does all that she cans to provide for me and her. She also tries to help others in the best way she can. Please understand that we rarely go to church and every Sunday we watch the "Hour of Power" to hear people's stories about what God has done for them.
I will admit though many things she has said to me made me felt so awkward. I felt like I had no freedom of speech in every problem we encountered and she would always bring up the "honor your mother and father and your days shall be longer" or at least something along those lines.
That specific line is very powerful especially coming from a culture where people cannot "backtalk". Which practically means as she shares her opinion and ideals...i cannot share them back... that I, myself should listen to her and respect what she says with no question(depending on how lenient that person is, however I don't t really think she is since she stifles me when she gives me the chance to speak or at least it feels that way..) because that is the sign of her authority over me.
I felt provoked and that life is really unfair. How my own mother who does not understand me well, merely because she does not listen to what i have to say made me feel bitter inside. I think I would've felt better if she listen to what I had to say and state where I went wrong but that rarely happens or maybe I'm still to blind to see it. It somewhat enraged me which resulted in me locking myself up however I do not blame her for I have fallen greatly and I am trying to please God. I asked for her forgive me for being disobedient today but now I'm even more confused to what I should do.
razeontherock
Edit 2
I am 20 turning 21 in a few months without any idea knowing where I am heading in life. The way I had locked myself away shows my broken emotions lead me to stray. I thought that if not even my own mother could not understand me then others would not. She has brought me to this world and I have acknowledged that completely but at the same time I was consumed to how much I felt sincerely. These feelings I continue to bear are the same feelings that made me feel so left out, that made me feel I did not belong, that I had no purpose, that there is no reason for my existence.
I do realize even now me myself and I does not understand my 'self' as well as I thought I did. What I meant by locking myself away is I let myself not socialize with others around me. I was a self centered person who trained himself to believe that despite all of what he is doing, his heart only wants to love yet disregards how much he separates and isolates himself to others.this love he thinks of is what makes him think he is so different.....(is this what you guys call shyness or am I ashame?). I sunk low to depression-state of mind and became a pessimist about my own capabilities, especially because I was categorized as a person with a mild mental disability. Not only did I think bad of what I could do but my appearance.(However a part of me didn't want to agree)
Throughout high-school there was a slight difference in terms of experience because although I was categorized as such some people who knew of my talents as a writer, thought I'm very intelligent and kind-hearted person.
That gave me hope to disagree with the way I feel and how I perceived myself. Regardless of that hope I continued to put myself down and shy away from people. With this very computer that I am using to communicate with you guys was used in a different manner before. I searched for relationships with the opposite gender. Females who I could not see with my own eyes, females who I lusted for. I thought if I were to find a mate I would be full-filled especially since I often hear things like a girl can make you and break you. Or Often witness how many young people my age search for such relationships, I thought maybe this was my answer.
Not only that I also played(still do but not as much recently) multi massively online games(MMO). These games are very addicting merely because it takes so much time to even progress. If one does not have self control with games like these they will lose sense of their own reality, and I am an example of this. A lot of the times my mother who has worked hard for her money to provide for me and her, I would senselessly use it to buy game cards which gives an advantage compared to players who do not contribute to the game.
These advantages do not benefit the player for long ... most of these special 'items' offered are items that have time duration on it. Depending on perspective it could turn off many but one who is committed to progressing in games like these it becomes an addiction even if you do not particularly like it.
I first started playing mmo games merely because I found it quite cool to be able to start from scratch and work with others to get to the top. It pleasured me to be honest but nowadays I deem it to be very foolish. Since the time my mother has recently confronted me about this issue to contributing to such games, I then stopped. However I can still say some of my time still goes to these types of games.
I also liked gambling in terms of Hold em texas, I found it fun but please be aware I did not use real currency to gamble with. My mother has told me many times before I should not gamble. I have yet to play a game since then.
Now returning to my education the reason why I wasn't motivated is because a lot of the options that were offered to me after high school made me felt so inadequate. The jobs that I could get were quite low in terms of annual rate. I agree now that I should have looked at this differently and saved while I was younger.
I blame myself for this failure, I can't believe I allowed myself to sink this low and my lack of knowledge is why I lack reasoning. I never really had a Father I could look up too. No wise person of my gender, is what made me feel so disheartened.
I had many dreams but now my dream and goal is quite vague. I want to be Gentleman and one who follows and knows Jesus.
After Highschool, I technically graduated but didn't have my diploma merely because of my laziness and distraction. I needed 40 hrs community hrs to get it.
I pursued a Job and it was a great one. believe me but because of my immaturity and taking things for granted, it didn't last longer than it should have.
I also signed up for college and I failed miserably in my Math and English test. I wanted to do something related to art yet my skills were not developed. I thought that I would still have a chance if I attempted but I was naive right?
A year later here I am, I handed in my 40 hrs and apparently I'm suppose to get my diploma after this semester.(No I am not in school since I already completed the amount of credits necessary to graduate)
I can say though because of my grades it does not show the potential that I really have so my options are quite low more than ever when looking for something career wise.
So Yes i am lost and looking for answers and is it ironic for me to start here?
For my whole life, I always felt I believed(still do) Jesus was alive and he died for our sins but even despite knowing that I find myself consumed and lost. I've been searching for answers and yet I still find nothing. I am sad and filled with fear. It's hard for me to dream knowing many things in this world are wrong.
So when my mother encourages me to go out and find a job. To do something with my life and not sit around. To not give up and enjoy my life. I should be motivated when I hear those words but I'm not, I'm always thinking about the end and how I would be judged.
It's kinda hard being optimistic about your future and thinking about a career when every now and then people talk about how the end is near. It feels like this life has nothing to offer.
I know I am a sinner and I am certainly ashame of who I am. Recently I've been asking God to forgive me for my sins. I'm trying to change diligently but I seem to fall back.
I can't overcome lust and many other things like lying and cursing. I find it so hard and I just can't imagine how possible it is to not sin.
If i can recall correctly the ones who don't follow the commandments don't really know Jesus. I want to be able to know Jesus and not half heartedly believe in him. I don't want to lie and be-filled with fear anymore. I want to be stronger, I want to be happy and see things clearly.
Edited:
I thank you for all the replies in this thread, I remain grateful for you guys taking your time responding to my thread.
I have another concerning issue. My mother told me it's okay to know from right and wrong and although I should be like Christ, I should not forget who I am. Should I consider that itself a contradiction, I mean I am nothing without Jesus right? My will means nothing and that I should pursue only God's Will right? My understanding of how my life is, is quite low maybe because I've been fooled to think a lot of things are okay to do in this world.
She tells me I should not take things to the extreme and that God Knows I'm a human being and there's only so much I can do; and How God wants me to be able to enjoy my life and have fun.
I'm starting to think my existence would mean nothing if I continue to do what I freely think is fun.(like video games, reading manga, watching shows etc.)
I'm probably comprehending what she is saying wrong and I pray that I'm not.
Please tell me what you think is God Will(preferably with some proof from the bible) and how I should look at it. Maybe your insight will help me too to see things differently and clearly.
*Note: My mother she believes in Jesus also and considers herself a Christian. She admits that at certain times in her life she has failed to do certain things but at the same time she also believes God understands her and will forgive her. From what I witness I notice she prays day and night. She works hard and does all that she cans to provide for me and her. She also tries to help others in the best way she can. Please understand that we rarely go to church and every Sunday we watch the "Hour of Power" to hear people's stories about what God has done for them.
I will admit though many things she has said to me made me felt so awkward. I felt like I had no freedom of speech in every problem we encountered and she would always bring up the "honor your mother and father and your days shall be longer" or at least something along those lines.
That specific line is very powerful especially coming from a culture where people cannot "backtalk". Which practically means as she shares her opinion and ideals...i cannot share them back... that I, myself should listen to her and respect what she says with no question(depending on how lenient that person is, however I don't t really think she is since she stifles me when she gives me the chance to speak or at least it feels that way..) because that is the sign of her authority over me.
I felt provoked and that life is really unfair. How my own mother who does not understand me well, merely because she does not listen to what i have to say made me feel bitter inside. I think I would've felt better if she listen to what I had to say and state where I went wrong but that rarely happens or maybe I'm still to blind to see it. It somewhat enraged me which resulted in me locking myself up however I do not blame her for I have fallen greatly and I am trying to please God. I asked for her forgive me for being disobedient today but now I'm even more confused to what I should do.
-
razeontherock
Edit 2
I am 20 turning 21 in a few months without any idea knowing where I am heading in life. The way I had locked myself away shows my broken emotions lead me to stray. I thought that if not even my own mother could not understand me then others would not. She has brought me to this world and I have acknowledged that completely but at the same time I was consumed to how much I felt sincerely. These feelings I continue to bear are the same feelings that made me feel so left out, that made me feel I did not belong, that I had no purpose, that there is no reason for my existence.
I do realize even now me myself and I does not understand my 'self' as well as I thought I did. What I meant by locking myself away is I let myself not socialize with others around me. I was a self centered person who trained himself to believe that despite all of what he is doing, his heart only wants to love yet disregards how much he separates and isolates himself to others.this love he thinks of is what makes him think he is so different.....(is this what you guys call shyness or am I ashame?). I sunk low to depression-state of mind and became a pessimist about my own capabilities, especially because I was categorized as a person with a mild mental disability. Not only did I think bad of what I could do but my appearance.(However a part of me didn't want to agree)
Throughout high-school there was a slight difference in terms of experience because although I was categorized as such some people who knew of my talents as a writer, thought I'm very intelligent and kind-hearted person.
That gave me hope to disagree with the way I feel and how I perceived myself. Regardless of that hope I continued to put myself down and shy away from people. With this very computer that I am using to communicate with you guys was used in a different manner before. I searched for relationships with the opposite gender. Females who I could not see with my own eyes, females who I lusted for. I thought if I were to find a mate I would be full-filled especially since I often hear things like a girl can make you and break you. Or Often witness how many young people my age search for such relationships, I thought maybe this was my answer.
Not only that I also played(still do but not as much recently) multi massively online games(MMO). These games are very addicting merely because it takes so much time to even progress. If one does not have self control with games like these they will lose sense of their own reality, and I am an example of this. A lot of the times my mother who has worked hard for her money to provide for me and her, I would senselessly use it to buy game cards which gives an advantage compared to players who do not contribute to the game.
These advantages do not benefit the player for long ... most of these special 'items' offered are items that have time duration on it. Depending on perspective it could turn off many but one who is committed to progressing in games like these it becomes an addiction even if you do not particularly like it.
I first started playing mmo games merely because I found it quite cool to be able to start from scratch and work with others to get to the top. It pleasured me to be honest but nowadays I deem it to be very foolish. Since the time my mother has recently confronted me about this issue to contributing to such games, I then stopped. However I can still say some of my time still goes to these types of games.
I also liked gambling in terms of Hold em texas, I found it fun but please be aware I did not use real currency to gamble with. My mother has told me many times before I should not gamble. I have yet to play a game since then.
Now returning to my education the reason why I wasn't motivated is because a lot of the options that were offered to me after high school made me felt so inadequate. The jobs that I could get were quite low in terms of annual rate. I agree now that I should have looked at this differently and saved while I was younger.
I blame myself for this failure, I can't believe I allowed myself to sink this low and my lack of knowledge is why I lack reasoning. I never really had a Father I could look up too. No wise person of my gender, is what made me feel so disheartened.
I had many dreams but now my dream and goal is quite vague. I want to be Gentleman and one who follows and knows Jesus.
After Highschool, I technically graduated but didn't have my diploma merely because of my laziness and distraction. I needed 40 hrs community hrs to get it.
I pursued a Job and it was a great one. believe me but because of my immaturity and taking things for granted, it didn't last longer than it should have.
I also signed up for college and I failed miserably in my Math and English test. I wanted to do something related to art yet my skills were not developed. I thought that I would still have a chance if I attempted but I was naive right?
A year later here I am, I handed in my 40 hrs and apparently I'm suppose to get my diploma after this semester.(No I am not in school since I already completed the amount of credits necessary to graduate)
I can say though because of my grades it does not show the potential that I really have so my options are quite low more than ever when looking for something career wise.
So Yes i am lost and looking for answers and is it ironic for me to start here?
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