I hope you and your husband truly are able to work on things through your counseling. I'm glad to hear it's through the church. Continued prayers for you both.
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What should I do?
- Thread starter cjba
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To hisbloodformysins,
Chose the words you tell hubby. You mentioned that you would tell him that you did not love him from the beginning. Is there something in your life that you are blaming him for? Maybe could not seek one of your dreams due to marriage. Now that my hubby is opening up a bit. I'm finding out that he is depressed. He tells me that he is a "pleaser" always trying to make other people happy. He does'nt know if he wants to love me again. We get along as friends, we can have nice conversations together except when it comes to our marriage. It just begins to get tense. I'm now finding myself feeling uncomfortable to come home after work. I was always the stronger one in our relationship. I married young and felt that I did not accomplish my dreams in the early years of our marriage. I think somehow maybe I blamed him. I could of been a better wife, given more support. But I seemed to just get angry. I would want his opinions and his usual response is whatever makes you happy. I would turn that around and argue about him just taking the time to participate in the decision making. I became resentful and hard. I felt as if I had to make all the major decisions on my own. When I finally realized I did not like the person I saw in the mirror. I turned to the Lord to help change me. Don't get me wrong we had a lot of good times. I just went too far. Don't make the same mistake. Love is a gift to be cheerished. I did change but, just a little too late. Six months after seeking the Lord and asking him to change me is when my husband gave me the terrible news that his feelings for me had changed. Don't make the same mistake. You really don't appreciate what you have until it is no longer yours. Whatever the circumstances were for you to marry your hubby - I find it hard to believe that their was no love from the beginning. Now I find myself in a situation that if only the communication was open - there would be no hurt in our marriage. Tell your hubby what you want out of your marriage and then ask him what he wants and meet in the middle. Maybe I would'nt be in this situation if the communication was more open on both sides. I feel that he is so unhappy that it may be best to let him go. I want him to be happy. Then I recall 2 are better than one. Sometime I feel I should be here by his side while he goes through this depression and works it out. I'm so confused. Only the Lord knows what is in our future. I'll pray that you and hubby find a happy medium.
Chose the words you tell hubby. You mentioned that you would tell him that you did not love him from the beginning. Is there something in your life that you are blaming him for? Maybe could not seek one of your dreams due to marriage. Now that my hubby is opening up a bit. I'm finding out that he is depressed. He tells me that he is a "pleaser" always trying to make other people happy. He does'nt know if he wants to love me again. We get along as friends, we can have nice conversations together except when it comes to our marriage. It just begins to get tense. I'm now finding myself feeling uncomfortable to come home after work. I was always the stronger one in our relationship. I married young and felt that I did not accomplish my dreams in the early years of our marriage. I think somehow maybe I blamed him. I could of been a better wife, given more support. But I seemed to just get angry. I would want his opinions and his usual response is whatever makes you happy. I would turn that around and argue about him just taking the time to participate in the decision making. I became resentful and hard. I felt as if I had to make all the major decisions on my own. When I finally realized I did not like the person I saw in the mirror. I turned to the Lord to help change me. Don't get me wrong we had a lot of good times. I just went too far. Don't make the same mistake. Love is a gift to be cheerished. I did change but, just a little too late. Six months after seeking the Lord and asking him to change me is when my husband gave me the terrible news that his feelings for me had changed. Don't make the same mistake. You really don't appreciate what you have until it is no longer yours. Whatever the circumstances were for you to marry your hubby - I find it hard to believe that their was no love from the beginning. Now I find myself in a situation that if only the communication was open - there would be no hurt in our marriage. Tell your hubby what you want out of your marriage and then ask him what he wants and meet in the middle. Maybe I would'nt be in this situation if the communication was more open on both sides. I feel that he is so unhappy that it may be best to let him go. I want him to be happy. Then I recall 2 are better than one. Sometime I feel I should be here by his side while he goes through this depression and works it out. I'm so confused. Only the Lord knows what is in our future. I'll pray that you and hubby find a happy medium.
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hisbloodformysins
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Hey CJ,
LOL, you really need to read what I just journaled now in the journal section about a lonely personality, sounds like your hubby and I have the same personality... I'll provide the link if I can figure it out. But let me encourage you, your hubbies heart can change, and it's not your fault that he has lost love for you (atleast whatever he considers love, maybe the same thing I consider it- closeness...). Sure, I'm sure that you could've done some things better, but this is not all your fault, it's never just one person's fault, though it may seem more obviously one person's then the other. The truth is that your hubby is currently being selfish, and he needs to learn to practice agape love. But of course that is his choice and his alone. I understand how it must feel for you, the conflict of emotions- wanting to keep on, yet feeling like you are trapping him, probably some worthlessness, and even bitterness towards his feelings for you, that is very understandable. But if your hubby is willing to stay, then let him stay, encourage this, it's biblical, but not only that, but God likes recognciliation, and as long as your hubby is willing to stay with you, there is hope for you. I think it's good that your hubby is willing to stay- even if he has conflicting emotions. I want to encourage you to really look at the efforts your hubby is making at this time, even though the whole situation is breaking your heart, hold onto that little bit of positive, and magnify it, because a little bit of leaven goes a long way, makes the whole batch good or bad.... well, lol, don't know if I'm using that particular scripture in the right context. I also want to encourage you to wait on God during this time and continue to continually seek him on a daily basis, you will overcome this situation. And if your hubbie's heart is hardened, then God will continue to give you the grace. I don't want you to feel guilty, it's so natural for the both of you to feel guilt at this time. Again, don't put pressure on your hubby to love you, please. You need to give him acceptance and room to feel the way he feels, and even the freedom to talk to you about it, because I assure you that if he's anything like me, which sounds like he is, he feels guilty enough already, and I'm sure that he doesn't like it that he's hurting you, yet this is a real trial for him. What has saved our marriage several times is the fact that my hubby allowed me talk about how I felt, and made all kinds of efforts to be sensitive to what I said and made changes.... because he didn't want me to leave him for whatever reason. And although at the time he probably did it with little hope of my heart being changed, but it had, a couple of times. And yes, my hubby was hurt and even bitter at times. My love for him has grown a lot. (I never loved him, it's even harder in that situation, my marriage has always been a major stressor and great mistake and regret I've had to deal with these last 5 years, really expounding my depression, I was already depressed, but made it worse, and am taking antidepressants not). God has helped me love him his way, to treat him the way he deserved to be treated regardless of how I felt towards him. And eventually over time I became convicted about my treatment and attitudes towards him. You see, God will do the same in your hubby, but you cannot make that your focus... Right now God wants you to enter his care and rest by just bringing this hurt towards him and truly seeking his guidance daily, and making God your hubby at this time. When we seek him first, his kindom, his righteosness, God will so amazingly make everything else in your life his concern and he'll work things out even when you don't expect it. And this is because he doesn't want us burdened and trying to figure out and work out our problems, he wants us to bask in his love and rest at all times. God Bless you sister Cj at this time, and in a little bit (after I've given my son fair attention), I'll look and type these scripture references being how you are a new christian, you may not be away of all the wonderful awsome things in God's word. God Bless you.
Hisbloodformysins
LOL, you really need to read what I just journaled now in the journal section about a lonely personality, sounds like your hubby and I have the same personality... I'll provide the link if I can figure it out. But let me encourage you, your hubbies heart can change, and it's not your fault that he has lost love for you (atleast whatever he considers love, maybe the same thing I consider it- closeness...). Sure, I'm sure that you could've done some things better, but this is not all your fault, it's never just one person's fault, though it may seem more obviously one person's then the other. The truth is that your hubby is currently being selfish, and he needs to learn to practice agape love. But of course that is his choice and his alone. I understand how it must feel for you, the conflict of emotions- wanting to keep on, yet feeling like you are trapping him, probably some worthlessness, and even bitterness towards his feelings for you, that is very understandable. But if your hubby is willing to stay, then let him stay, encourage this, it's biblical, but not only that, but God likes recognciliation, and as long as your hubby is willing to stay with you, there is hope for you. I think it's good that your hubby is willing to stay- even if he has conflicting emotions. I want to encourage you to really look at the efforts your hubby is making at this time, even though the whole situation is breaking your heart, hold onto that little bit of positive, and magnify it, because a little bit of leaven goes a long way, makes the whole batch good or bad.... well, lol, don't know if I'm using that particular scripture in the right context. I also want to encourage you to wait on God during this time and continue to continually seek him on a daily basis, you will overcome this situation. And if your hubbie's heart is hardened, then God will continue to give you the grace. I don't want you to feel guilty, it's so natural for the both of you to feel guilt at this time. Again, don't put pressure on your hubby to love you, please. You need to give him acceptance and room to feel the way he feels, and even the freedom to talk to you about it, because I assure you that if he's anything like me, which sounds like he is, he feels guilty enough already, and I'm sure that he doesn't like it that he's hurting you, yet this is a real trial for him. What has saved our marriage several times is the fact that my hubby allowed me talk about how I felt, and made all kinds of efforts to be sensitive to what I said and made changes.... because he didn't want me to leave him for whatever reason. And although at the time he probably did it with little hope of my heart being changed, but it had, a couple of times. And yes, my hubby was hurt and even bitter at times. My love for him has grown a lot. (I never loved him, it's even harder in that situation, my marriage has always been a major stressor and great mistake and regret I've had to deal with these last 5 years, really expounding my depression, I was already depressed, but made it worse, and am taking antidepressants not). God has helped me love him his way, to treat him the way he deserved to be treated regardless of how I felt towards him. And eventually over time I became convicted about my treatment and attitudes towards him. You see, God will do the same in your hubby, but you cannot make that your focus... Right now God wants you to enter his care and rest by just bringing this hurt towards him and truly seeking his guidance daily, and making God your hubby at this time. When we seek him first, his kindom, his righteosness, God will so amazingly make everything else in your life his concern and he'll work things out even when you don't expect it. And this is because he doesn't want us burdened and trying to figure out and work out our problems, he wants us to bask in his love and rest at all times. God Bless you sister Cj at this time, and in a little bit (after I've given my son fair attention), I'll look and type these scripture references being how you are a new christian, you may not be away of all the wonderful awsome things in God's word. God Bless you.
Hisbloodformysins
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I am trying to give him space. I try not to tell him "I love you" this way he won't feel pressure or guilt. Your 're right, he feels very guilty. He tells me he does not know what happened to his feeling for me and if they will ever come back. He is confused if he should even be in the home due to him being unable to give any affection and knowing that this is hurting me. Even though most of the time he tells me he is trying just by the mere fact that he is in the home for the children. He has hugged me a few times. But, I can tell it is not comfortable for him. I have prayed for grace and strength while going through this trail. I have also prayed for my husband's heart to soften. He has agreed to go for counceling for depression at our church. However, he feels that his depression and his love for me are two different issues. All I can do is put this is God's hands. Only God knows what will happen to this marriage. It just so hard when you feel, that your have lost the person that you imagined you would spend the rest of your life with.
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I don't think I can continue this anymore. It's too painful. At this particular moment I just want him to leave. Enough is enough. It's like I'm beginning to fight myself on what I believe God wants me to do and what my head and heart are telling me to do. I guess I need to pray for more strength.
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merryheart
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I am new here, so I hope you don't think I am butting in. It sounds like you have a very sad and painful situation to deal with. To me, it seems as if your husband is using emotional blackmail in a manipulative fashion, and that his behavior is causing him to feel in control of something (himself, the relationship, you...) A person who "needs" this kind of control is really fighting some deeper issue, and that problem probably has absolutely *nothing* to do with you, or any action you have taken. He will not change unless he comes to realize that his current path is so miserable that he is willing to go thru whatever it takes to get *himself* on track. There is really only one thing you can do to help him, and that is to pray for him, that he will deeply desire all that God has for him. Meanwhile, perhaps it is some consolation to tell yourself and to hear confirmation from others that you are not to blame for his behavior or actions, even though he is blaming you (telling you "I don't love you" and making you feel like you have in some way let him down)
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Merryheart,
I do think that you are on to something. In talking to my husband he actually does tell me that it is not me that it is him with the problem. Today we talked for a bit and he told me that he tried all these years to make me happy. Yet he never looked at how unhappy he was. He told me that he is not comfortable with how he feels; it's just that he is not interested anymore. If you read through previous post, I described my "old husband" as the type of person that would do anything for you. Somehow, he has developed this new attitute of "me". I hope counceling will help him. I pray for him and for me and my children. I feel like I'm losing this battle.
Sometimes its so hard to have faith. I'm going to start going to a dicipleship next week. I don't want to backslide on my faith. It just so hard to understand that I am going through this trial for a reason. I don't see how this trail is good for anyone in my family.
I do think that you are on to something. In talking to my husband he actually does tell me that it is not me that it is him with the problem. Today we talked for a bit and he told me that he tried all these years to make me happy. Yet he never looked at how unhappy he was. He told me that he is not comfortable with how he feels; it's just that he is not interested anymore. If you read through previous post, I described my "old husband" as the type of person that would do anything for you. Somehow, he has developed this new attitute of "me". I hope counceling will help him. I pray for him and for me and my children. I feel like I'm losing this battle.
Sometimes its so hard to have faith. I'm going to start going to a dicipleship next week. I don't want to backslide on my faith. It just so hard to understand that I am going through this trial for a reason. I don't see how this trail is good for anyone in my family.
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hisbloodformysins,
I found your post on lonely personality. That it. He really does not have friends he can talk too. He really does not open up. Even with me. I would know he was thinking something. Maybe to do something different. But it was always "whatever makes you happy" The problem was that he did not let me know what could make him happy. He just always went along.... I would get so upset like you have described with you and your hubby. I enjoy having conversations with people - always have. But when it came to my hubby and a conversation - sometimes it was frustrating. He would never quite open up. I can only pray that God will soften his heart and give our marriage another chance. He does not know if that is what he wants. He seems content on living here and being friends. Am I being selfish? I don't want a roommate for a husband. I want a partner to love and feel loved in return. I know this will take time and it cannot happen overnight.
I found your post on lonely personality. That it. He really does not have friends he can talk too. He really does not open up. Even with me. I would know he was thinking something. Maybe to do something different. But it was always "whatever makes you happy" The problem was that he did not let me know what could make him happy. He just always went along.... I would get so upset like you have described with you and your hubby. I enjoy having conversations with people - always have. But when it came to my hubby and a conversation - sometimes it was frustrating. He would never quite open up. I can only pray that God will soften his heart and give our marriage another chance. He does not know if that is what he wants. He seems content on living here and being friends. Am I being selfish? I don't want a roommate for a husband. I want a partner to love and feel loved in return. I know this will take time and it cannot happen overnight.
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hisbloodformysins
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No no CJ, you are not being selfish, it's good that you are not asking him to leave. If he is willing to stay, let him stay, that is the biblical way to do it anyways, I know if I were in your shoes I'd probably have my moments of telling him to just move out. But again, that is not the biblical answer, and I think it's great that you are trucking on and getting involved in discipleship classes and really seeking God, right now that is what you need, a lot of counsel and support from others. I don't know if you've already read this passage or not, but it is very powerful and direct in the instructions that are just for you right now ok:
1 corinthians 7:12-17 "To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know husband, whether you will save your wife? Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him....."
So this is what I gather from this for your situation. First of all, Paul said that if your husband is willing to stay, let him stay. But IF HE DECIDES to go, then you are biblically unbound to him in this situation. And note the last part of the passage...REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE, unless God tells you to make him leave (and not your emotions though I do empathise with you) which I don't really believe God would do that- then let him stay there, even if it's a burden for the both of you. I'm not saying God wants you to be unhappy, but from my perspective that is too much of a load for you to be carrying, hurt and upset and wondering if you should have him leave or not. Let your husband bare that burden, ok- do your best to really leave it in God's hands and go to God for your hurts... Listen, I know that you are in a difficult situation, but just seperating and getting a divorce is not going to make things better- it's not what God wants for you. Oh my, listen to myself, how many times have I been told that and I thought the ppl were just not being very empathetic, and I thought- "it's easy for them to say, they aren't the ones in the unhappy situation..". But if you operate outside of God's word and his known will for you, well, then it slows your progress to built the Godly maturity in you that is going to bring peace and life. Here's one of my favorite scriptures to read when I'm going through such a difficult situation (in my case staying with my hubby when I don't love him- though I doubt it's the same with your hubby- mine is an altogether different case)
James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
This passage is so powerful, because your circumstance is so difficult for you, but as long as you continue in your faith, and continue to do what you know what God's will is and perservere like you are doing, it is going to develop so much faith and spiritual maturity in you. Unfortunately we as ppl and as christians become the strongest after overcoming very difficult circumstances. This is also addressed in Hebrews chapter 12 (the whole chapter) Oh, you must take time to read that chapter, meditate on it, get by yourself. It is so good. It's God's word that will help give you courage and strength, and faith to do his will. Forget the emotional confusion- stick with God's known will for your life, stick to the word! Hope this helps, God Bless you CJ
Hisbloodformysins
1 corinthians 7:12-17 "To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know husband, whether you will save your wife? Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him....."
So this is what I gather from this for your situation. First of all, Paul said that if your husband is willing to stay, let him stay. But IF HE DECIDES to go, then you are biblically unbound to him in this situation. And note the last part of the passage...REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE, unless God tells you to make him leave (and not your emotions though I do empathise with you) which I don't really believe God would do that- then let him stay there, even if it's a burden for the both of you. I'm not saying God wants you to be unhappy, but from my perspective that is too much of a load for you to be carrying, hurt and upset and wondering if you should have him leave or not. Let your husband bare that burden, ok- do your best to really leave it in God's hands and go to God for your hurts... Listen, I know that you are in a difficult situation, but just seperating and getting a divorce is not going to make things better- it's not what God wants for you. Oh my, listen to myself, how many times have I been told that
and I thought the ppl were just not being very empathetic, and I thought- "it's easy for them to say, they aren't the ones in the unhappy situation..". But if you operate outside of God's word and his known will for you, well, then it slows your progress to built the Godly maturity in you that is going to bring peace and life. Here's one of my favorite scriptures to read when I'm going through such a difficult situation (in my case staying with my hubby when I don't love him- though I doubt it's the same with your hubby- mine is an altogether different case)James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
This passage is so powerful, because your circumstance is so difficult for you, but as long as you continue in your faith, and continue to do what you know what God's will is and perservere like you are doing, it is going to develop so much faith and spiritual maturity in you. Unfortunately we as ppl and as christians become the strongest after overcoming very difficult circumstances. This is also addressed in Hebrews chapter 12 (the whole chapter) Oh, you must take time to read that chapter, meditate on it, get by yourself. It is so good. It's God's word that will help give you courage and strength, and faith to do his will. Forget the emotional confusion- stick with God's known will for your life, stick to the word! Hope this helps, God Bless you CJ
Hisbloodformysins
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Thanks for the reminder (1 Corinthians 7:12-17) Sometimes that is all I need; the one scripture that says this is what you are suppose to do. I am trying so hard to do what I am suppose to do versus what I feel. I woke up this morning with the idea that this is it. I need to divorce this person that I no longer know. Even though he has counceling coming up; I feel that he is so consumed with the idea that he feels nothing for me that there is no hope. How can God go into his heart to begin to soften the hardness? I just need to get more into my faith - In God all things are possible. My situation seems so crazy to me at times. We get along so good except when it comes to discussing the marriage. At least the foundation is still there (the friendship) This is probably what makes the hurt so real. He is able to tell me how he feels. I wish I could seperate the friendship feeling from the wife feelings. Thank you again.
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hisbloodformysins
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May I make another suggestion for what it's worth, maybe right now don't expect more. Because while you are expecting it to change- you'll become impatient as it doesn't and discontentment and dissapointment are hard to deal with when you are waiting on an answer from God. If you guys get along good until it comes to the topic of marriage, can I suggest that you guys don't get on the marriage topic. If you've read the thread I've started on men lack sensitivity (though I might be a little embarassed if you do), you might see that a sore subject in our home is the fact that we cannot communicate. And this has been a big area of grief for me. But in order to keep from getting frustrated and upset, I have to practice dropping conversations that are getting us no where (though it is sooo important to me for my hubby to understand me and listen to me) he doesn't and I've learned I cannot make him... so anyways, my point is again that if that is a sore subject, don't go there now ok? Because although you may have faith that God will change your hubbies heart, you don't know when his timing is, and unfortunately sometimes he makes us wait..... uggg, to make necessary changes in us that he wants to make...like this will require you to continually run to God for encouragement and faith. You'll get stronger and stronger. And maybe (and I'm saying maybe to tread lightly because I really don't know all the details) if you start focusing on God to meet that need, and take the pressure off of your hubby, and in the meantime really learn to get your needs met through God, you're hubby will amazingly start to change. Well, I'll end this now and won't go on and on. God Bless you CJ and also thanks for being open to my replies.
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hisbloodformysins
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I guess I was also trying to make the point to learn to be content even without your hubbies love, to not make your happiness with him conditional upon that. It might be the only way you can manage to continue to obey God's word and remain in a marriage with him during this tough time. You know, I believe God shakes the foundations our confidences are built on. Say your confidence has been in your marriage and dependent upon receiving the love from your hubby. Well, now that foundation has been destroyed, so the question is, what do you depend on, is your confidence in man or God?? Well, it can get more grounded in God during this difficult time. Do you know what I'm saying?
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You're right my confidence was in my marriage. I was the lady at work that everyone thought had the perfect husband; that is everyone except me. I'd complain to him on how he did not make time to talk to me, share his opinions, or make decisions. He somehow became my 5th child. Little did I know that it was his way of trying to make me happy. Communication is something that belongs in every marriage. I've read some of your postings. You sound like I used to be. I needed that closeness and wanted more than what was offered. It seemed as if it was just not enough. I wanted more or needed more. I read your postings and see myself. I have come a long way these past 2 1/2 years. (I became aware of his new feelings 2 yrs ago) Look at the communication that your hubby does offer. Not what you expect him to offer. Yes, I have been going to God in this difficult time in my life. Many times I can have a smile on my face now (even if they are only moments and I am so grateful) My relationship with God is growing. (I did read Hebrews 12 today. Thank you.) Today my husband and I had an arguement over a misunderstanding. I now look at arguements different. I make sure that when he says something and I am ready to get upset - I tell him this is what I am understanding; is this what you want to tell me? It made the arguement end and we went on with the rest of the day. He got jealous over someone from my past (from 21 years ago) that came up today. At least this was a little sign that he is not ready to completely let go. In my walk with God I am learning to have peace within. God is always there no matter what the hour is. It truly is amazing. As for now I can't reference scripture like you and others on this site. I know it is only a matter of time. I pray that someday when someone else is in need I can help guide them through scripture as many of you have. It's wonderful that God gives us this gift to help others from experience of hardships. Maybe that is why I am going through this. One day I may be the other person helping someone. This site has been very comforting. As you mentioned on one of your post that your friend keeps on talking about herself and her without really lending an ear for you. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to you. Your post are nothing to be embarrased about. It is part of your experience and many others. You learn that you are not the only one with similar feeling from others who respond. You learn how others deal with their situation and to top it off may even learn something. It is wonderful that you have the ability to share your feelings. I will pray for you and your hubby to find a balance in your marriage.
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I can't believe my husband sometimes. I don't even know who this man is anymore. It's like living with Jekle and Hyde. He does not burst into anger or anything like that. Some of the things he tells me. I'm thinking is this for real. If I ask a question, he tells me I'm accusing. For a couple of nights this week I asked my husband to hold me at night. It felt good, comforting to know he is still here. Today, he tells me I'm too needy. I felt like excuse me, since when does asking for a hug seem needy. This roller coaster is sooooo emotional. I keep praying for him. I pray not to have anger or hatred towards him. When I start to feel this way I go into automatic prayer for help in my emotions. In conversing this with him, his response is "I guess you're a better person than me" He twist things I say - I never told him I was a better person than him. I did tell him that he should start praying for his family and not to bring divorce to his children. Sometimes, I'm so close to making that appointment for the "D" word. I don't understand how he can sometimes be ok with what he is feeling. 
I just want to open his eyes for him to see what the consequences are. His children without a father in the home. 
Him becoming a visitor to his home. The financial burden that will come to both of us in becoming single parents. He would probably need to go back home to his parents. How would he be able to afford a place of his own with having child support for 4 children. I would not want him to live in poverty, yet I want to keep my childrens life as close to what they have now. It truly is amazing how sin can blind you from the obvious. His feelings seem to change on a daily basis. Yesterday, he actually told me he does not want to lose me. Today I'm needy and sometimes he does feel comfortable with me and other times he does'nt. Then he tells me he just needs time. I can't keep up. I need to keep praying for my flesh not to take a hold of me as it has already taken a hold of my husband. Just needed to vent.
I don't understand how he can sometimes be ok with what he is feeling. I just want to open his eyes for him to see what the consequences are. His children without a father in the home. Him becoming a visitor to his home. The financial burden that will come to both of us in becoming single parents. He would probably need to go back home to his parents. How would he be able to afford a place of his own with having child support for 4 children. I would not want him to live in poverty, yet I want to keep my childrens life as close to what they have now. It truly is amazing how sin can blind you from the obvious. His feelings seem to change on a daily basis. Yesterday, he actually told me he does not want to lose me. Today I'm needy and sometimes he does feel comfortable with me and other times he does'nt. Then he tells me he just needs time. I can't keep up. I need to keep praying for my flesh not to take a hold of me as it has already taken a hold of my husband. Just needed to vent.
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hisbloodformysins
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To first post, thank you. My best friend has a good marriage, not that they don't have any problems, but they really love eachother, and are happy with eachother, and are there for eachother.... and this is good for my friend, I appreciate the way God has blessed her. On the other hand, in a way I think I have an advantage over her because of my unhappiness, because, my confidence is being rooted in God. I am learning the lesson after the 4th year of struggle, how to focus more on the positive and less on the negative, I am learning the hard way!! Uggg. But that is what I get for being disobediant to God's will when it came to my marriage. He gave me fair warning... Thanks to God, and I am sure everyone's prayers here, I am seeing my hubby in a whole new light all the time. I used to have such disrespect for him, not because he deserved it- he just annoyed me. But that is a deep problem within myself, everyone annoys me, and I've never really had to learn how to really love people. And bring all these problems in relationships I'm having to God. By bringing them to God, and applying his word to these relationships, I'M BEING CHANGED. And I never realized this before but I've had such a rooted problem. And when I first started really walking with God, say 8 years ago.. I would pray about certain aspects of my character to be changed, and about my insecurities that I knew would ruin any marriage relationship I had. I envisioned myself going from marriage, to marriage to marriage. I prayed that God would give me a godly faithful hubby, who would put up with me LOL... And God has answered that prayer, and that prayer has been a royal thorn in the flesh, but a blessing in disguise. Because after 5 years, this stubborn broad is changing- wow, God really does work miracles. And do you know what, just recently I am surrending my will to his more than I ever have before. Yes, if I divorced my hubby and got together with this guy who seems meant for me than I'll be happy.... Umm, think again- (slams the door). I do not live by bread alone but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.. Oh, I'm so excited, because I know that now the door is being opened for God to work wonders in my marriage, and in my life in general because "not my will, but thy will be done". And if we let go of our lives and pick up our cross and follow him daily, we will gain eternal life, and joy and blessings overflowing. OK, I could go on. But for now I'll move onto the next post.
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hisbloodformysins
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hisbloodformysins,
I so happy for you that you are accepting this change. It's so refreshing once you let God guide you in your walk. He releases us of the pressure of making the wrong choice. He is our driver and only he knows what lesson we are to learn from the ride. Now that you can actually see yourself in a new light; your results are going to be amazing! I can't wait to get to that point. I have my good days and my bad like anyone else. I no longer question why this is happening to me. I now say why should'nt this happen to me. I am no different than anyone else in this world. Yes, I do feel that my world is falling apart, yet, I look forward to what is at the end of this trail. I know I may not be with my husband when this is all done. But if that is God's will I know I'll be ok. Maybe a little broken, but a lesson well learned. I now see my husband different. I no longer see him as another child. I see a broken man. I feel his hurt and want to be there for him. When I really take the time to think about this - I think I'm crazy. The old me would hate his guts! (I do have my moments) The lesson I am learning is patience. Tears are not as often anymore. I try to be the best person I can be. And try to communicate with my husband the way God wants me too - without anger or resentment. I needed to learn patience and my husband needed to learn to communicate. He now voices his opinion. Which ironically is what I had been asking for in most of our marriage. (Be careful for what you ask for) Not that I don't want his opinion. I only wish that this could of been part of our marriage to begin with in a positive note and maybe our family would'nt be in our current situation. I've come to terms that this is Gods will. I don't know if I'll still be married when our trial is over. But I do know that I'm getting closer to God. Earlier today I did feel some hatred towards my husband. I felt like curling up and crying my heart out. Then God was there for me and told me not to take that road. God does do miracles. I read your post and you write about not loving your husband. However, you are still there. You seek God for guidance. You're seeing with your own eyes that changes in you. That must feel like a blessing! People in the world without seeking God for direction lose so many opportunities to make their lives a great joy. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers!
I so happy for you that you are accepting this change. It's so refreshing once you let God guide you in your walk. He releases us of the pressure of making the wrong choice. He is our driver and only he knows what lesson we are to learn from the ride. Now that you can actually see yourself in a new light; your results are going to be amazing! I can't wait to get to that point. I have my good days and my bad like anyone else. I no longer question why this is happening to me. I now say why should'nt this happen to me. I am no different than anyone else in this world. Yes, I do feel that my world is falling apart, yet, I look forward to what is at the end of this trail. I know I may not be with my husband when this is all done. But if that is God's will I know I'll be ok. Maybe a little broken, but a lesson well learned. I now see my husband different. I no longer see him as another child. I see a broken man. I feel his hurt and want to be there for him. When I really take the time to think about this - I think I'm crazy. The old me would hate his guts! (I do have my moments) The lesson I am learning is patience. Tears are not as often anymore. I try to be the best person I can be. And try to communicate with my husband the way God wants me too - without anger or resentment. I needed to learn patience and my husband needed to learn to communicate. He now voices his opinion. Which ironically is what I had been asking for in most of our marriage. (Be careful for what you ask for) Not that I don't want his opinion. I only wish that this could of been part of our marriage to begin with in a positive note and maybe our family would'nt be in our current situation. I've come to terms that this is Gods will. I don't know if I'll still be married when our trial is over. But I do know that I'm getting closer to God. Earlier today I did feel some hatred towards my husband. I felt like curling up and crying my heart out. Then God was there for me and told me not to take that road. God does do miracles. I read your post and you write about not loving your husband. However, you are still there. You seek God for guidance. You're seeing with your own eyes that changes in you. That must feel like a blessing! People in the world without seeking God for direction lose so many opportunities to make their lives a great joy. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers!
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hisbloodformysins
He's my best friend
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Yes, with God all things are possible, I'm glad to hear that you are seeking God's will in this!! I really didn't have any hope for my marriage, even when I was blindly following God, but now, 5 years later, I have more hope and see it as more of a reality than never before. Good for you CJ, keep pressing in. A prayer for you:
Lord, I pray that you will take the mustard seed of CJ's faith and efforts, and turn it into something beautiful. And turn her into something beautiful, full of hope and joy, and life. May she know you love's fullness, and may she follow after you all of her days. Amen.
Lord, I pray that you will take the mustard seed of CJ's faith and efforts, and turn it into something beautiful. And turn her into something beautiful, full of hope and joy, and life. May she know you love's fullness, and may she follow after you all of her days. Amen.
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You mentioned that your friend has a good marriage. I hope this is true. I wish that for everyone in marriage. However, looks can be deceiving. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Most people I associated with thought I had a good marriage. In the inside I was very lonely and took that out on my husband for not meeting my needs. I wanted the closeness and wanted to feel that I meant everything to him. It was not his job to meet my needs. I now know that. The devil used this as an invitation to our marriage to turn it upside down. Since you write that you never loved your husband this was his invitation to your marriage. Even though you think you never loved your husband take a look inside of yourself and define what love is to you. Love is being there through the bad times as well as the good. I think you are fulfilling that definition. In other countries marriages are arranged sometimes from when they are children. There is no love with a stranger but it grows. These people have families, they bring children into the world. Love is not just a "feeling" Yes, it may be better to start with love that would be on a more positive note. I pray that you will find love for your spouse. I still love my husband. I love the experience of giving that gift. Love is a gift. I would rather have had the opportunity to love my husband even with all this going on then to never have loved him at all. You're in my prayers.
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