What should I do?

[hisbloodformysins]

Thank you CJ for your prayers, they make a world of difference. And you are very right. I'm learning about a different kind of love. Agape love, God's love. That is what we all truly need anyways.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Love is far more than a feeling.
It is a committment he made in front of God and everybody. But he doesn't sound like he's trying to be a bad guy. He's got to work this out though.

 

[cjba]

I'm glad to hear that you are learning about agape love. Hopefully my husband will learn this lesson as well. He does go to church with me most of the time. That is one of the positive aspects of our marriage. I enjoyed when we did devotionals together. After awhile he felt that this was forced upon him. It's been about 2+ months since we've done them. Today he is willing to do one. I wish I knew if it was something he wants or does he feel it forced again. I'm learning so much in my walk with God. I pray that my husband will start his walk. I know he goes to church with me at times I just know if he is really grasping the message. Does your husband go to church. You should start doing couple devotionals if you don't already. Take care. You in my prayers.

 

[cjba]

Mr. Cheese,

Thank you for reminding me that he is not such a bad guy. Sometimes it is hard to remember this. Yes, he does need to work on this situation of ours. I just don't understand why he chooses not to 98% of the time. To him this is just how he feels. The feeling is gone and who knows if it will come back. He expects this feeling to fall out of the sky I guess. You would think he would see the risk he is taking on losing the family unit. To him, he will still be there for the kids no matter what. I come from divorce parents, he does not understand that even though the intentions are there to be there for your children; it is simply impossible. By the time the parent that lives out of the home finds out the child needed him/her their need may already have been resolved. And sometimes with the help of the wrong influence. I'm trying to stay positive. Thanks!

 

[cjba]

well, we didn't do a devotional. Time slipped away. He was too tired. I'm so tired of this emotional rollar coaster. I told him I love him which I normally do before we go to bed and I heard him say I love you too. I asked him if what he said slipped out and he made it very clear that he did not say this. Maybe it was auto pilot when he said it. He told me I want an answer overnight. I don't consider 2 years over night. In these past 2 years we had what I thought was a good 4 months - before I knew it was a lie - coming from his mouth - which he now claims he never said. I don't know if I can handle this emotionally any more. I hope this is only a bad moment and it will pass. I'm sure it will. I don't want to live this way anymore. I keep telling myself we still see each other as best friends don't give up. But when I take the time to think hard about this - my real friends don't hurt me. I want to stay positive and I have been asking for Gods help. Maybe this marriage isn't meant to be. At least I know I will not become angry with God like some people do. I understand God does not always give us what we ask for. Maybe my destiny is something outside of this marriage. Only God knows. Sometimes I want this to just be over. Then I tell myself give this to God; this will be handled in His time. I don't know anymore what I want. (again) Too many dips. I don't enjoy rollar coasters (ha, ha). I'm going to go and look up some scripture to take me out of the mood before it causes some damage. Thanks for being there.

 

[clairysage]

cjba, may I ask a quick question? I wondered if your husband has considered getting medical help for his depression? I'm not an expert, but the way that he is up and down, and denying things he's said .. it just sounds like he needs some help to clear his mind and sort out what is real? Please feel free to ignore me! It was just a thought.
Sorry for butting into your discussion. I am having some marriage difficulties and was reading about others experiences in the hope it could help me. I have picked up some suggestions which may be helpful, and some scriptures to read - thank you
God bless

 

[cjba]

clairysage,

I'm glad this forum is here. Do not consider it butting in. I too did the same reading others experiences. It helps to know that you are not the only one going through difficulties in your marriage. Sometimes it even makes you feel that you don't have it as bad as others and your focus changes to prayers for them. No, we haven't gone the medical road for depression. He did get sleeping pills to help him sleep. He only did this for a month and that in itself made a huge improvement. In the past 2 years his work schedule has been a yo-yo. He needed to adjust to the new working hours. I feel that this was part of what opened up this new season we are in. My son was ill for awhile and I had to go to school with him everyday. In order to do this I worked in some evenings and on every other weekend. My husband worked all the overtime he could. In my heart this is what I think started the seperation. Most of the time I did not attend family functions due to I was working. Recently he told me I just wanted to avoid his family. (Wow, where did that come from) By the time I got home he was already asleep. After my son was well I worked 2 jobs to get money back into our savings. Now I look back and it was not worth it. I heard that quite a few people have problems after one of their children have major health problems. The wife attends the child and the husband feels neglected. I think this is what happend and gave him the free time to think of the negative in the marriage. No marriage is 100% positive. This is what I'm playing over in my mind right now. He tells me this is not the reason. But then why tell me all the things he had to do alone with the other children. I was still there for the my other children; maybe not at a party. But with daily talking, going to a movie, helping with homework, etc. Who knows exactly what is going on in my husbands head. I don't think he even knows. My prayers are with you in your circumstances. prayer:

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Awww, CJBA. Is he leaving the decision up to you to get a divorce??? Wow, I imagine it would take a lot to be in that situation. If it were me (doesn't mean it's right, but if it were me)....(well, depends on how much I love him also) I'd tell him I love him, and want him to stay and work things out, but I'd leave the decision up to him and make it known to him that if he wanted to go, I wouldn't hold him back.... because it sounds like he is probably telling you how he feels, yet leaving the responsibility up to you because of not wanting to hurt you, but also makes sure you have an informed decision. This frees him from some guilt because he rationalizes "well, I told her I don't love her, but she still wants me to stay... she is chosing to be with me anyways, SO IT'S HER FAULT....." that's really a cowardly cop-out. I don't think it's fair that he is leaving you with such a heavy load. On the other hand, I did and still do at times the same thing to my hubby, yet he wouldn't initiate a divorce. Once I seperated from him, and he did persue me, but now he says he'll grant me a divorce, but the responsibility of getting the divorce is on my shoulders.... and that's very fair. If it wasn't for him keeping a hold on me, I would've divorced him. But I also am a woman of God, have been before we married, and although we've had major marriage problems, I still want to do what's right by God- actually it's GOD that has kept us together. But this may not be so for your hubby. You see, my hubby is somewhat benefitted because I'm always striving to be a better person- I work at it, and I'm doing what I can to make our relationship work, because of God. If I wasn't a devout christian, I would've dumped my hubby years ago. But remember the 1 corinthians verses I gave you...if your hubby is not a believer, and wants to go, let him go.... because "do you know wife if your hubby will be saved.." in other words, do you know wife if you can change your hubby..... I don't blame you for wanting to stay with him and holding onto him. If I had the relationship with him you had, I'd probably hold on for a while also until I was utterly hopeless of change. It's heart breaking. But if your hubby is just staying to indulge you.... and you are holding on while depending on God to change him..... that verse comes to my mind again 1 cor. 7:15-16 "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know wife, whether you will save your husband...." On the otherhand, if you really feel like God is telling you to hold on anyways, than I don't doubt that God will bless it..... but who knows when? I don't want to discourage you from doing what you feel in your heart to do. Because I may not know God's word for you. But my opinion is that you ought to put the ball back in your hubbies court, tell him you love him and don't want a divorce, but if he wants to go, you won't stop him.... and make it HIS decision... and he probably won't like that because that means he'll have to live with the guilt of it, unable to pass the blame on someone else. And that means he'll actually have to initiate getting the divorce, like finding another place to live, get a lawyer, figure out how he'll pay child support... and that really is a big hassle. But it would be HIS decision. I feel sorry for you that the responsibility for it is in your lap.... I don't think I could stand the emotional roller coaster either. But don't MAKE him leave... continue to fulfill your roll as the wife and love him as the lord wants you to.... but don't make a decision either way. Again, it's not fair that he's leaving the decision with you, that's not a load you ought to be carrying, atleast not alone.

 

[cjba]

This is my problem if you even want to call it that. He does not want a divorce. He wants to live here. I have told him several times that he is free to go and I want him to have a happy life and if it is not here that is ok with me. I know I will hurt but I know I will be comforted by God. Even today we talked, I cried, he listened. I told him I don't want to live this way any more. He tells me that I can for the kids. He is going to go to counceling and he'll make it better. He will try not to hurt me this is not his intention. I told him that what he is doing is a choice. And I'm choosing not to go through this anymore. He again brings up the kids. I seriously don't think my children would intentionally want me in a relationship that is going to hurt me even if it is with their father. I guess deep down I think I feel sorry for him, he is risking losing his family. Yet I honestly don't think he fully comprehends this. So many things he has told me and claims not to remember. Two days ago he called me "Honey" and I felt bad not because of what he said but because of what I felt at that very moment. The old me would of been so happy and held on to that moment. That day, I was, um who cares he not going to remember anyway. When we talked today of course he did'nt remember what he said. He thinks I'm talking to him when he is asleep and that is why he can't remember these things. Sometimes it is doing the day and other times it may be in the evening. Either way I see no excuse. I told my husband today that I love him with all my heart. But I am beginning not to like the person he is. I know I'm suppose to give him more time since he is not the one leaving. Right now I just don't care. I'm tired. I know this is so negative. At least I can see this is only a moment. I felt really bad today because when I was telling him I have had enough I saw his eyes get watery and I did'nt care. I asked him, why should I give him another chance. He said, he is going to make things better. I just don't know anymore. I feel like I don't have anything to lose. I'll still live in my house. The children will live with me. I feel like I lost him a long time ago. I only see that there would be no more daily hurt. I am beginning to feel as I don't need him. Of course I need him to do things around the house. But I mean need him as a partner. I'm not even scared of how I'm feeling right now. I'm just writing away whatever comes into my head. I started a dicipleship study on Monday. I felt that I needed this because most of the time it does scare me that I am beginning not to care. (not today). When I take a step back and look at everything I know I'm not suppose to feel this way. I'm not suppose to kick him out. But am I suppose to just keep on taking it. I know others have situations worse than me. I still see my hubby as a good guy and I would even say we get along good. We can still do or go anywhere that we need together. We still sleep in the same bed. We still are intimate which now makes me uncomfortable. Due to one time he told me we were just meeting each others needs. I felt like you can get that from somewhere else if it is only a need. To me that part of my life is sacred. This is not something I give out freely. And yes of course he doe'snt remember telling me this. But when do you actually say enough is enough when their is no love or affection on the other end. How much time am I suppose to give this man. Now I know why so many relationships break up. By the time the other is ready to start some action on improvement the other person feels as if is just too late. Honestly, I don't want this to become our story. I wish I knew every scripture there was to help me in my situation. Everyone knows someone who has been divorced. I never imagined I would be one of them. Oh, I know I'm not divorced but I also know I am only 1 step away from this. Keep me in prayer so I do not give divorce to my children. At this moment I feel I need all the help I can get. Believe me I give this to God but lately it's not working. Ouch! I enjoy this new walk I'm taking with God. He does take away alot of the pain. I'm not feeling hurt every moment anymore. I don't feel as if I can't breathe and just want to scream. I do feel at peace. I'm just not sure if it is in the right way. Thanks again for being there. You're husband is so lucky to have a wife that can see what she is doing and trying to change the relationship for better. I'm sure you both will be so blessed in Gods time. You're in my prayers.

 

[clairysage]

Hi cjba,

Thanks for being so nice about me joining your thread I'm back again to send you hugs and prayers It sound like things are feeling hopeless with you at the moment, and I have such alot of sympathy for you. I'm not sure if I have any advice to give you I'm afraid but want you to know I'm thinking of you.

The old me would of been so happy and held on to that moment. That day, I was, um who cares he not going to remember anyway. When we talked today of course he did'nt remember what he said. He thinks I'm talking to him when he is asleep and that is why he can't remember these things. Sometimes it is doing the day and other times it may be in the evening. Either way I see no excuse.

I'm sorry to go on about it, but the fact that your hubby keeps forgetting what he said really worries me. Do you believe that he has genuinely forgotten or does it seem that he just says that to get out of it? If he's genuinely forgotten I would really worry that he is ill, and this is causing him to behave the way he is. Have you discussed this with him? Not sure if he would believe you or admit there is a problem though, if he is ill with depression. Perhaps if you think this could be part of the problem you could tell him that if he wants to stay he needs to talk to a doctor about this?

I do apologise for repeating myself regarding this - each time I read a message about your situation, it just flags up in my head again - could your husband be ill and that's the reason for some of his behaviour ... if it is so, it could be made much easier if he got treatment - he may even go back to being the husband you knew before. I don't know. I hope that this is God putting this thought into my head in order to help you.

I found a couple of websites with info on depression but I'm not allowed to post them as I'm too new here. I could perhaps put them in your guestbook or something if you want them.

 

[cjba]

Thanks, yes I did mention depression to my husband. He actually agreed. He is not happy with life in general right now. He already had a dr's appt. for something else and he is going to bring up depression. Maybe this will be his road back to him being happy as a person. Today I feel better. I prayed real hard yesterday before going to bed to take this "selfishness" out of me. Because that is what it is if I want him out and he is not wanting to leave. I need to continue in prayer and pray for wisdom and patience. No one said life is going to be easy. I did get a pamplet on depression awhile ago. I gave it to my husband. However, I don't know if he read it. Again thank you. You're in my prayers. I hope that your situation is beginning to have some light. Need to go to work now have a blessed day.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Don't we all stuggle with selfishness... the only reason I've obeyed God throughout these last 5 years and stayed with my hubby...well, it sure hasn't been by my will power or my sweet submission LOL... a lot of times it was just thanks to circumstances. But anyways, ohhh, medication makes such a difference!! I had been depressed my whole life and mmmm I think last October?? I broke down and went to the doctor about it and got medication, and I'm so glad I did. Of course Medication doesn't make you behave better, but it helps you in your efforts, it has taken away a lot of my anxiety- atleast when I begin to get attacked with it, it's so much easier for me to bounce out of it, it's helped me think more clearly, and since I've been on the medication, well, I'm happier, and my relationship with my hubby has grown leaps and bounds. I don't know if you were talking about my situation or someone else's, but I want to thank you for your prayers for my relationship, these last couple days I have felt closer to my hubby than ever before. God Bless. Hisbloodformysins

 

[cjba]

I'm so glad to hear that the medication helps you. I'm so excited for you that you have felt closer to hubby for the last couple of day. Grab them where you can and hold on. Maybe this way it will overflow to the next day. You're husband must love you so much!!!! I truly hope that your heart can see and feel this. From what you have described in your relationship hubby must have so much patience. That's Gods work. God hand picked this hubby for you!!! These past two days I really have'nt been able to get myself completely out of this rut of thinking enough is enough. Yesterday I went to the store and my intentions were to buy the book "Five Love Languages" I had it in my hand then I put it back and bought something on parenting. I felt like I just don't have it in me on more trying and reading. Today my husband met me for lunch. Usually I give him a kiss and we go on our way. Today I did'nt and did'nt feel bad about it. When it was time for me to go back to work and I was getting out of the car. He asked me for a kiss as a matter of fact twice. What scares me is that I should be thinking this is something positive. I just felt like I'm done. After work today, I went back to the book store and told myself if I don't feel like working on my marriage that is a major sign to work on it. I told my husband about the book and asked if he wanted to read it with me. He said, he would read with me. I asked him if he felt forced or is something he wants to do. I told him I won't force him to do anything. I am choosing to not let myself get to wrapped in this negative feeling and hope I can snap myself out of it. His response was good. He said it is something we have to do. I see that as a positive. However, he it comes we started to read the book then he fell asleep. I got upset and told him forget it. I'll take the book back and get a refund. (ha, ha) He said we'll do it tomorrow he is only tired due to a long day. I completely understand the long day issue due to his working hours. He wakes up at 2:15 am to get ready for work. This is were I become upset and explain this to him. Tomorrow he is going to a concent with his brothers and a friend. This has been one of our problems; not that I mind him going to a concert. I'm glad he is beginning to have an outlet more often. He would only go so many times a year. This past year has been alot more often. I have always felt in our marriage that I was not worth his time. And I let him know this. He would tell me that I just did'nt want him going. This is not the case. I felt and feel even though he has these terrible hours and I would once in a great while just want to stay up maybe on a Friday or Saturday night or go do something with the kids. He was always too tired. Maybe we would start to watch a movie or play a game at home and the next thing we knew he was asleep. I told him I find it amazing that this does not happen when he is out with his brothers and his friend. I know that he needs an outlet and I'm happy that he has something that he can enjoy once in awhile. But that does not change the feeling I have that I am not worth his time. He told me he was really sorry. He was even willing again to read the book and said he would read it. Before he even reached for the book; he was asleep. I would tell him throughout the marriage it would be nice if once in a while he took a nap during the day so he can have energy later in the evening. You work a hard week and Friday comes and you want to do something fun and different. He works on Saturdays so off to bed early on Friday's. It was nice for awhile when his hours changed for about 6 months. We would stay up late and enjoy each others company. But it back fired which I understand; he would leave about 9:30 am and get home about 9:00 pm. He really could not do anything for himself, the kids, the house and let alone me. I think this is what started his depression. He communte is anywhere from 1 to 1 1/2 hrs to get to work and 1 1/2 to 2 hours for the commute coming home. Throughout the years I have suggested to him for us to sell our homes and move closer to his job. I was always willing to leave my job and start anew. His response was always no, the kids like where they are at and have their friends and the house are too expensive near his job. (He works near the beach) His thought was that we have a fairly large home and we would have to down size tremendously if we moved. I believe better to be in a smaller home and not be tired all the time. Life is too short. Enough of me rambling on. This is such a terrific outlet. You're in my prayers. God Bless.

 

[cjba]

Hubby is now going to counceling. After his counceling session he told me that he wants to meet me half way. Maybe God is gradually softening his heart. I only hope that my heart won't harden after all that has happened.

 

[clairysage]

Hi cjba,

Just wondering how things are going with you and your hubby now?
I've been thinking of you.

Clairy

 

[cjba]

Hi Clairy,

Hanging in there. I actually got to the point a few weeks ago where I had actually had enough. I think this may have opened up hubby eyes at last. He went to counseling last week and finally has agreed that what he was doing is wrong and that he needs to make this marriage work. What I am afraid of is that now I don't feel as close to him. It has been so long since I feel that I have had my husband as a husband that you start to train yourself not to need that person. He now tells me he loves me at times since the counseling session. But instead of making me happy, this actually made me mad inside. I know this is not something he feels. He hopes for the feeling to come back. How can I be happy over something that is not real. I pray to God to give me the wisom to accept this as a stepping stone. His counselor wants me to go with my hubby tomorrow. In a way I don't know why I should go. The problem is with my hubby. We went to counseling last year and things were good for awhile. I think my hubby needs to fix himself and get right with God before he can get right with me. Thanks for checking. This is a good outlet for me. Take care.