What should I do?

[cjba]

My husband and I have been married for 17 years. It hasn't been a perfect marriage, we've had our share of ups and downs. My problem is that my husband told me almost 2 years ago that he is no longer in love with me. He has searched inside of himself and feels no love for me. He only cares for me. And is staying in the home for the sake of the children (we have 4). We went to marriage counseling last year. We went on a couples retreat and all I thought was better. Our counselor even felt that we were now fine. However, 2 weeks ago I sinces something was wrong. I requested that he let me in and share his feelings. He told me that he feels the same. That the last year has been a lie. He was only trying not to hurt me by telling me he loves me and showing me affection. Yet, he does not want a divorce, he does not want to leave the home, and he does not want to seek counseling again. I love my husband with all my heart and want to stay married. Yet, I feel that at times I am beginning to feel resentful towards him. I actually asked him to leave thinking maybe I can somehow heal. He was willing to go because he said, he does not want to hurt me anymore. He did not go and said for us to take it one day at a time and see what happens. I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I feel anger towards him and how can I trust him?

 

[selune]

Pray for God to work in your husband and soften his heart. Are you sure there is no affair going on? Maybe he said he was willing to leave because then you would become the one responsible for things being "over"? How do you think that his leaving will help you heal? I hope this doesn't come across wrong to you, but I hate to see more children hurt because the adults can't/won't work things out. Tell your husband that counseling is needed, if he won't go, go to a Christian counselor yourself. I am praying for you and your husband.

 

[cjba]

I have prayed so much for husband and family. As for an affair going on - No there is not one going on. Last year their was a woman who was interested in my husband, a co-worker. He did keep this a secret. He stated he only saw her as a friend he could talk to. She even asked him out. She did become a big issue on our marriage. I told him friendships are not kept secret. He ended the friendship. His work hours changed and therefore no more contact. In the beginning he was resentful that I took away a friend he could talk to. Sometimes I feel that I would be able to heal if he is gone because just maybe it would'nt hurt so much. You see a person you love and you automatically want to show that person affection with a hug, kiss, an I love you. And what comes in return is maybe something and sometimes nothing. But when the I love yous come into play. The reaction is that good. But no I love yous in return. I don't want to see my children hurt by divorce. I know what it is like. I come from a divorce family. That is why I am trying so much. As for counceling, I actually have an appt. for myself today. Thank you so much for the prayer

 

[selune]

I hope things go well for you. You know that you did not break up a "friendship". Especially if she asked him out! A friendship with someone of the opposite sex is fine if you keep it at that. But when the secrecy enters in and when personal matters are discussed, too often that "friendship" turns into the other person trying to comfort the spouse by not so noble means...resulting in an affair. Has your husband offered any reasons for his lack of love? I mean, does he not realize that this may be one of the "for worse" times and he needs to work on it with you, not by lying to you, but trying to come back to where you were when you both fell in love and pledged your lives to eachother. Have you read the similar thread "wife's not in love anymore" started by samwise? It might help. Bless you in your troubled time.

 

[AndOne]

Since you asked the question - I would like to give you some thoughts.

Before taking any action - before saying or doing anything - consider what the results will be for your children. They should be your primary concern. Although your husband sounds like a heartless SOB - he at least is willing to stay with you for the sake of your children - and that is a very good thing. Even if it means living in a romanceless, stale relationship for another 10 years - I think you should do it until your youngest child is out on his or her own. This is a heck of a sacrifice to make - but I believe God will bless you if you do it - because it is the right thing to do.

In the meantime - let me suggest you do everything in your power to make yourself attractive to your husband. A lot of women may get mad at me for suggesting this - but I guarantee if you spend that extra time on yourself - i.e. make-up, hair, working out to get a better figure, etc. your husband will take notice. A lot of time - at least with a man - romantic feelings can be generated from physical attraction.

Please don't get me wrong - I'm not suggesting that this is the problem with your relationship - or that you are unattractive - but I am here to tell you - as a man - that when you do these things on a regular basis - he will notice - and you will see him respond. When you go to a marriage counselor with him next - talk about sex - and see if that is playing a factor in this.

Another thing - is try to find a common interest with him. If he loves sports - and you despise them - try watching a game with him anyway. Show interest in what he likes. It may be tough to do - but he will respond to that as well.

These are just a couple of things you can try. I hope things get better for ya'll - I'll pray for you tonight.

R/Dave

 

[chriso]

Don't give up on your marriage or you husband. I agree with "R/Dave" try to make yourself really appealing to him. Try to remember what it was like when you were dating and what made you fall in love in the first place. My wife and I have been married over 20 years and we have to work at it to keep our relantionship fresh. Sometimes we have so many other things taking our time and we just don't seem to have time for one another. Maybe plan an romantic weekend getaway just the two of you. I believe he feels something or he wouldn't still be with you. Read the book "The Five Love Languages" By: Gary Chapman. It is some really good reading. God Bless You and I will be praying for you.

 

[cjba]

I hope things go well for you. You know that you did not break up a "friendship". Especially if she asked him out! A friendship with someone of the opposite sex is fine if you keep it at that. But when the secrecy enters in and when personal matters are discussed, too often that "friendship" turns into the other person trying to comfort the spouse by not so noble means...resulting in an affair. Has your husband offered any reasons for his lack of love? I mean, does he not realize that this may be one of the "for worse" times and he needs to work on it with you, not by lying to you, but trying to come back to where you were when you both fell in love and pledged your lives to eachother. Have you read the similar thread "wife's not in love anymore" started by samwise? It might help. Bless you in your troubled time.

 

[cjba]

Thank you so much for your prayer. I'll look up samwise. I feel the same way that I did not break up a friendship. She wanted something more. The ironic thing yesterday when I was on this site I cam across a posting that may have been even her. I did speak to her once and told her that I would pray for her because I knew in her heart she had to know what she was doing was wrong. She claimed it was only friendship. I told her if it was only intended to be a friendship and with her being a woman - she herself would of made sure it was not a secret. A true friend would not want to cause any misunderstandings. I even told her is she was a true friend and let everything out in the open. I would even of welcomed her calling my home. Friend don't hide. I have no ill feelings for her. I just suggested she be more careful in the future with her decisions. This all took place about 7 months ago. However my husband and I had an arguement yesterday. He still blames me for taking away his friends. The other friend he is talking about is a male co-worker who is also the godfather of one of my children. I called him many months ago when everything first started. I asked him to be there for my husband and see if he can just try to lend an ear. The friend did talk to him to see how things were going and at the end of their conversation the friend mentioned that I had called. Now he says I took him away too. They are still friends but he no longer has a trust in him to confide in. Was I wrong? My husband had odd work hours therefore his time is basically work and home. I think this is how all this started. He lost himself and is taking me along for the ride. I suggested to him through out the years to join a club or get a hobby. His answer was always there is no time. Now he tells me he feels anger and is resentful towards me. I just feel lost. I went to my counseling appt and the session really did not help. I was looking for answers on where to seach for scripture to help our family to find some peace in all this. I am a new christian and still learning. Ironically I started reading the bible and going to church about 6 months before any of this ever happend. I truly feel it was God's way of preparing me for this. I don't know how I would of been able to carry on without his love.

 

[cjba]

Since you asked the question - I would like to give you some thoughts.

Before taking any action - before saying or doing anything - consider what the results will be for your children. They should be your primary concern. Although your husband sounds like a heartless SOB - he at least is willing to stay with you for the sake of your children - and that is a very good thing. Even if it means living in a romanceless, stale relationship for another 10 years - I think you should do it until your youngest child is out on his or her own. This is a heck of a sacrifice to make - but I believe God will bless you if you do it - because it is the right thing to do.

In the meantime - let me suggest you do everything in your power to make yourself attractive to your husband. A lot of women may get mad at me for suggesting this - but I guarantee if you spend that extra time on yourself - i.e. make-up, hair, working out to get a better figure, etc. your husband will take notice. A lot of time - at least with a man - romantic feelings can be generated from physical attraction.

Please don't get me wrong - I'm not suggesting that this is the problem with your relationship - or that you are unattractive - but I am here to tell you - as a man - that when you do these things on a regular basis - he will notice - and you will see him respond. When you go to a marriage counselor with him next - talk about sex - and see if that is playing a factor in this.

Another thing - is try to find a common interest with him. If he loves sports - and you despise them - try watching a game with him anyway. Show interest in what he likes. It may be tough to do - but he will respond to that as well.

These are just a couple of things you can try. I hope things get better for ya'll - I'll pray for you tonight.

R/Dave

 

[cjba]

Thank you so much for the prayer and advise. I am so much thinking of the children and how they will feel. They see me hurting and I they know what is going on. Once I asked him to leave and that he should explain to the children why this is happening. (I regret that decision). He ended up staying and they would'nt of needed to know anything was getting to that point. That was close to two years ago. Then again my children were confronted with the news 2 weeks ago when he said he was leaving that this was all an act. I did not take any offense to your suggestions. I did use your advise today. I did take the time to at least be around something he likes to do. He did seem to enjoy explaining to me what he was doing. So, today was a good day. Still no I love you's or any type of affection except for when I gave him a peck on the lips for a hello. Do you think as a man; it is truly possible not to love your wife and still be intimate? Since you did mention bringing that up in counseling. I brought up counseling yesterday and that did not go good. I even suggested that he go by himself if that was more comfortable and he would be able to speak to a man. His reaction was that he did not need to tell a stranger his feelings and then have them tell him that it is wrong and this is how should feel or go read this book or that scripture. I feel that if he does not even want to seek help for himself. I'm like a sitting duck.

 

[cjba]

Don't give up on your marriage or you husband. I agree with "R/Dave" try to make yourself really appealing to him. Try to remember what it was like when you were dating and what made you fall in love in the first place. My wife and I have been married over 20 years and we have to work at it to keep our relantionship fresh. Sometimes we have so many other things taking our time and we just don't seem to have time for one another. Maybe plan an romantic weekend getaway just the two of you. I believe he feels something or he wouldn't still be with you. Read the book "The Five Love Languages" By: Gary Chapman. It is some really good reading. God Bless You and I will be praying for you.

 

[cjba]

Thank you for your prayer. I did as you and "R.Dave" suggested. Today was a good day. I spent sometime with him doing something he enjoys. He seemed to enjoy himself explaining to me what he was doing. I will search for book. I agree that it is work to keep the relationship fresh. But how do you do it when the other person is almost like a stranger? My husband was the type of person that would go out of his way to do anything for you. My husband was the type of person that I would say for the most of our relationship, a telephone greeting was "hello the love of my life" How does one fall to "I just don't have feelings for you anymore? I strongly believe that we just got so busy with work all the activities that 4 children can get into. The parents volunteering for almost anything and everything their children needed. We somehow lost the couple that made us fall in love in the first place. How does one work with: 1. A spouse who refuses to go for counceling 2. Has the attitute of lets take it one day at a time and lets see what happens. I feel that our family has too much to lose to see "lets see what happens" I wish I could get him to read the book you suggested. I can accept that love changes and needs refreshing. I welcome that.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

This is a difficult situation. I imagine that it must be very hurtful to you to continue with him knowing this, though you still love him and probably have hope that it'll change. That would be very hurtful for anyone. But there really isn't anything you can do about it, because if you ask him to leave, I'm sure you'll miss him. But yet it's probably heart breaking when he admits those feelings to you or even if you sense something is wrong. I would suggest that you yourself will use this time to wallow in God's love. Bring this to him, the heart break to him. And I don't mean to just say a prayer than go about your day and forget the lord, I mean that you begin to look towards him to meet your needs. Using your concordance, look up scriptures to give you comfort courage and advice during this time. Rely on those scriptures, because God is a good faithful husband. And he will take over when your husband is not doing the job. Though this will continue to be hurtful to you, it will increase your love for God and your faith even more, and James chapter 1 says to rejoice in diverse trials and difficulties because doing so builds character and faith. That's one that I rely on a lot and find helpful during difficult times in my own life. You cannot change your hubby, though you can grieve and tell it to God. That's about all you can do. Being bitter towards your hubby will only strengthen his resolve. Don't let your focus be on him and trying to get him to change something he cannot, but bring it to God. Marriage is about commitment first, then love. Love is a feeling, a result of thoughts and attitudes. And pray for your hubby also. My concern is that this would make you feel unloveable, which is not true whatsoever. Please do your best to know God loves you- and work on forgiving your hubby for not seeing it at this time. Sounds like he's commited, that is good. He'll come around, just don't let it destroy you, ok??? Best wishes, I'll pray for you this morning.

 

[Tangnefedd]

Staying together for the sake of the children is often not a good option. They will pick up on the tensions in the family and it wont make them happy. If your husband has genuinely fallen out of love with you, it might be better to release him to go his own way, providing proper provision is made for you and the children. Hopefully, in time you will both find other partners and a happy relationship.

 

[AndOne]

Do you think as a man; it is truly possible not to love your wife and still be intimate?

I really have no more advice - just to keep at trying to make it work for both of you. In answer to the above question though - the answer is a definate YES! I believe that most men will agree with me on that one.

 

[AndOne]

oh and btw - the "R" in my signature stood for "Respectfully" - sorry for the confusion - its a military thing...

 

[cjba]

I'm trying to stay positive. But I'm beginning just to feel more numb. I am seeking the Lord for comfort. Sometimes I do feel that I just need to let go. I'm so confused. I try to convince myself their is hope. Since he claims he is not asking for a divorce. He is actually going to call for counseling for himself. I suggested to him again that he needs to seek the Lord with what is going on inside of him. The only way the marriage can get right is for him to get right with the Lord. However, he feels that by going is just something I am want him to do not something he wants to do. I'm praying that by this tiny step in him at least going. Just maybe he can get right with the Lord and what the Lord wants for a marriage.

 

[Suzannah]

Dear Friend,
Oh these things are so painful!!!! I'm so sorry....I cannot give you "really good advice" because I barely know you and barely know the situation...but I can say that Prayer, prayer from the heart, in honest supplication to God, from a penitent heart, can accomplish much....

It sounds, from what you've written, as though it might be the best thing to just stay put, and trust God, for now. Your husband, although seemingly insensitive and something of a jerk, may in time accomplish the work of God without even knowing it. I do not want to be responsible for "bad advice", but here is my feeling from what you've written:

Your husband is selfish. You sound as though you are truly seeking God, but perhaps in worldly places, such as "counseling". I admire you for seeking God in all things. The trouble is "where" should we look for His will? If your husband leaves you of his own choice, I would counsel deep fasting and prayer for God's will. If you decide to leave him because of all the troubles you've had, I would still counsel fasting and prayer for God's will. Unfortunately, the literalists in our midst may or may not recognize that the world is becoming an increasingly complicated place and God's will may be harder to seek amongst all the various "opinions" out there....
I will pray for you that the Lord will truly touch your heart, that you will be free from spiritual deception, and that you will be able to truly discern His will in all your ways....
Your friend,
Suzannah

 

[cjba]

Today my husband agreed to go to marriage counceling. The counceling we are seeking is through our chuch. Although we have been through this road before. I now truly feel (at least for this moment) free. Only God knows what he wants from us. I need to let go and put our situation in Gods hands.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Amen CJba, That is what has helped my marriage so much, though I'm not in the same situation as you are, well, actually, the opposite, probably more like your hubby. I know you are hurting, and everyone, talking bad about her hubby, even though he is being selfish, will not help the matter I don't think, because your hubby may or may not be able to help it. Depends on what's he's equating "love" with. I have never loved my hubby and have very openly told him so and hurt him so, been telling him that since our first year of marriage and been married for almost 5 years now. Well, I know that it was wrong that I felt that way, and had the added guilt on top of it because my hubby didn't deserve it, but I had to give our marriage into God's hands, and he's been faithful. Though we still have our problems, our relationship has come a long ways... and I'm sure his prayers had something to do with it also. It's good cj, to leave it in God's hands, and just continue to be lead by god daily, because this may not be something that is going to happen over night, and as heart breaking as it is for you, it seems that you are expecting him to suddenly love you. I'm not going to suggest that you try to earn his love in any way, but rather that you just continue to seek and obey god.... and try not to put pressure on your hubby or make him feel bad, because it sounds like he already does have guilt. You can't force love, I hope that as I did, your hubby is also seeking the lord about his lack of love. But even if he's not, what can you do??? Except just to continue to go to the lord. God Bless you sister, Gosh, that's got to be hard. I believe that it may be a difficulty that is also going to really root your faith also- that's the good thing about hardships. Like I said before, read James chapter 1. Sounds like your hubby really does want it to work, that's good, apparently he does have some love for you, he probably has to get past that "love" that he thinks he has to have, and really love you God's way. Feelings follow... I will be praying for your marriage sister.