What should i do?

[cinni]

I have heard it said that if you can forgive yourself for past doings and you ask god for forgiveness then he wil forgive you.

but the thing is i have said and done so much in my marriage that i am not happy about infact looking back i would really rahter not have gone their but i did and now i need to know the best way to deal with it.

I do not want to tell my husband all the bad things i have done he would throw me out if he did i have recently come to realise i love him dearly and would rather die than hurt him anymore or hurt my kids anymore i have asked god for forgiveness and i believe i can heal from this but does he need to know? in order to be truly forgiven?

 

[FroggyJK]

I have heard it said that if you can forgive yourself for past doings and you ask god for forgiveness then he wil forgive you.

but the thing is i have said and done so much in my marriage that i am not happy about infact looking back i would really rahter not have gone their but i did and now i need to know the best way to deal with it.

I do not want to tell my husband all the bad things i have done he would throw me out if he did i have recently come to realise i love him dearly and would rather die than hurt him anymore or hurt my kids anymore i have asked god for forgiveness and i believe i can heal from this but does he need to know? in order to be truly forgiven?

I'm not going to give you advise, but I will tell you my story.

I had done something horrible in my marrage. I tried to just forget about it thinking it was in the past, but it was always in the back of my mind. But I was absolutley terrified of telling my husband. I thought it would be the end of our marrage if he ever found out.

Fast forward several years to this past April. My husband became a Christian and did a complete 180 turn. I always beleived but had never walked the right way. I think a big part of me was waiting for him to walk with me.

Anyway, I struggled for a few months after he became a Christian. I finally realized what it was. I was still holding on to that "thing" I had done years ago. I was ashamed. I tried to forgive my self and asked God for forgiveness, but it was still looming over me. I finally decided that I had to tell my husband. I felt like by keeping from him I was still lying to him. I was so sacred to tell him. I didn't know what it would mean for our future. But I had to be honest with him.

So, I said a prayer and then sat down with him and told him. I told him why I had kept it from him and why I was telling him now. Mostly he just did a lot of listening and I did a lot of crying. Thankfully he forgave me. He realized that it was all in the past and was glad that I was being honest with him now.

I have been able to forgive myself because he has forgiven me and God has forgiven me. For me I had to confess to the person I sinned against.

That's just my story. Maybe it can help you, maybe it can't.

Best wishes,
Jen

 

[Mayzoo]

I don't believe you need to tell every single thing you have done wrong to your husband; a general synopsis should suffice, but I would definately recommend you tell him this:

"i love him dearly and would rather die than hurt him anymore or hurt my kids"

Of everything else you said in your post....that one sentence rang loudest. You can be repentant, apologize for your general wrong doings, and begin to heal your relationship from this day forward. Set up certain boundries that you WILL NOT cross, ie. don't call your husband "bad" names.

Begin to rebuild the respect and friendship you once had. I have seen that through time, some spouses begin to treat each other worse than they would treat a stranger. After thinking about this for some time, I believe it is due to a lack of respect for the other individual.

You have made a big step towards resolving your issues, by recognizing that there is a problem, facing your part in this, and desiring to resolve this.

 

[alaskamolly]

I think it would mean a LOT to him if you talked with him, shared your heart withOUT going into details...a generic repentance that says something like, "You know, when I look back over our years of marraige, there have been so many things I've done that I regret. In so many ways I have just not been the wife that God made me to be to you, and I want you to know that I am really heart-broken about this, and feel that God is going to start changing me. Will you forgive me for the past?" Etc...


And then actually make some changes, little perhaps, but big--because even small habits are hard to break! Work to honor him and bless him, etc...

I think it will melt his heart! And he doesn't need to know all the gory past details, if the gory details would break his heart. He just needs to know that you wish you would have done better, and that you are resolving to change, and that you would love it if he could forgive you...


My 2 Cents,
Molly

 

[brokenbananas]

I'm for one not keeping secrets from your spouse. There is sometimes pain in being vulnerable and transparent. This past weekend I shared with my husband this dream I had about an ex-personal trainer that was very steamy. He was not happy about it. In fact, before we even got started in love-making (which we'd gone quite awhile without any due to schedules, timing and our very young children), he stopped and said he was thinking I was thinking about my ex-trainer. Mind you, I told him that probably 12 hrs before and had forgotten about it. BTW, the trainer worked with me 2 yrs ago, so some time had passed.

I was upset that my husband was upset and told him it was just a dream...I couldn't control what I dreamed in my sleep. But, that didn't help. This led to a super long discussion, with me crying for some reason. I felt bad that it hurt my husband. We prayed. It led to more discussions. Our emotions calmed down. It drew us closer together because it was hard to be that transparent with a difficult topic. There's more that I'm not saying.

Long story shorter, it ended up being a super nice afternoon with each other. We love each other dearly. We had to remember that God is at the focus of our marriage. Revealing the ugliness that we have allows the other person to intervene in prayer. I believe for my marriage that God wants transparency, truth. It's sometimes hard to expose the truth, but God is Truth. I believe He desires truth in our marriages.

Our marriage is better for this. It was a refining. The refining process is to bring out and destroy all the impurities in our relationship with each other and with God. Yes, one needs to consider being tactful and timing, but truth is what is desired. I admire my husband when he can come to me about a very difficult subject in truth rather than hide it from me.

Blessings,
Doris

 

[Jill Ann]

I believe with issues like this that it's best to turn to God for the answers. If you have peace in your heart about some of the past issues, then perhaps that is God letting you know it's OK to move on. If you don't have peace in your heart about something that you've done (and it doesn't sound like you do) then I believe that might be God letting you know that there's another step that needs to be taken on the path to healing....and the path more than likely includes complete honesty with the person you should be closest to after God (your husband).

Just my opinion, but if any of the issues involve infidelity or deception of any kind, then the other spouse absolutely must know. Marriage should be based on openness and honesty with one another in order to continue growing and thriving.

Secrets do not foster the intimacy that God intended for us to have in marriage.

 

[SirKenin]

I for one am a firm believer that you should not always divulge the details. My lawyer, a very strong Christian and a very good lawyer, gave me the advice that sometimes it is better to keep things to yourself. What good will it do to tell your husband? All it does is pass the burden of pain and guilt from your shoulders to that of your husband. It risks destroying your marriage. And for what?

You have made conscious decisions. Now you must bear the burden and deal with the consequences. If you have a guilty conscience, that is your burden to bear, and yours alone.

I know it's tough hearing that, but it's sound advice that I have put into practice myself. Mind you, the other key point is that you must learn your lesson. It's a hard way to learn a lesson, having to bear your own pain and guilt, but it works. At least it did for me, as I never repeated those mistakes.

 

[MominTX2004]

I think it all depends on what you need to tell your spouse. If hiding it could hurt you financially or physically or emotionally in the future, then you should obviously share it, but if telling could hurt you or your spouse in the future, then you should not tell. And on things that you did say when you were a teen or something before you met your spouse, well he doesn't necessarily need to know because God washes our sins clean and if you've asked God for forgiveness, then it's gone, but I have a feeling you haven't asked God for forgiveness or otherwise this wouldn't be bothering you. I kept something from my husband last week, it was a good thing that happened, but I kept it from him because if he knew, he would use it in a bad way probably, so I used it in a good way without him knowing. I felt guilty at first, but I prayed to God and I know God understands....Good luck and God bless!

 

[pegatha]

If your husband is likely to find out anyway, then it's much better if he hears it from you first. But if he's unlikely ever to find out, it's generally better for you to bear the pain of your own wrongdoing than unload it onto your husband.

 

[bliz]

It depends a great deal upon what you have done and when you did it. For example, I do not feel compelled to tell my husband about my sex dreams. We all have them, we cannot control having them or what the content of them is, so why bring them up?

Activities before marriage or before you got to know each other well? Only in the broadest brush strokes. He dedserves to know if you had other sexual partners. Who, when, where and exactly what you did are not his business. he deserves to know that you have been tested for STDs.

On the other hand, if you did things that violated your marriage vows, he has a right to know.

Nothing guarantees that he will forgive you. He should (although it may take some time to get to that point) but people do not always do as they should. At the same time, if you do not tell him, there is no chance that he will forgive you, and you will continue to live with guilt and that takes a major toll on a marriage.

 

[bkg]

I somewhat agree with the good Doctor, but only in a cursory sense.

It may not be important to tell him DETAILS, but you need to tell him the truth, whatever it is. Details are not the issue, the truth is.

 

[Svt4Him]

If you've brought someone else into the marriage bed, your husband has a right to know. If he chooses to leave, that is a consequence of the sin. But you gave him that right if you did this, and you don't have the right to make the decision for him, after the fact.

Otherwise use wisdom. If you had a flash about some guy, don't tell. If you're seeing some guy who keeps flashing you, tell him.

 

[Leanna]

What and how much you should tell him depends on more information about the situation. How long ago has it been and what exactly happened?