what should I do

[Acceptance]

I don't really post much here, but lately I've really been needing advice and I don't feel like there's anyone in RL I can ask about this.

Part 1:
Back in college (end of the 90's), I had a bunch of guy friends (sort of Seinfeld style with me as the only girl in the group). One of the guys in particular and I have always had 'a spark' between us. We've talked about it and acknowledged our feelings, however throughout the 4 years we were at school together, either he or I was always dating someone else. He graduated and I continued on to grad school and we pretty much lost touch except for occasional reunions maybe once a year with 'the old gang'.

Part 2:
I've been dating someone for almost 3 years now. The whole relationship he's been very reluctant to get married, which has caused conflict between us at times (he's older too, so 'being too young' is not the excuse). I love him and never want to hurt him and genuinely do want to marry him

Part 3:
This past weekend 'the gang' got back together and I met up with this guy again. Except this time the attraction felt so strong, I haven't been able to shake it from my mind. We've been emailing small talk the past couple days, which we've never done before, and I feel like I really want to see him again soon, and by ourselves.

So I need advice. Is it possible that this guy and I are really meant to be together? Should I pursue this or should I just cut ties? I can't help but wonder if I do cut ties if it's something I'll always wonder about. On the other hand, I don't want to leave my boyfriend on the chance that I just like this other guy because he's "new". What do you guys think? Any/all advice is welcome.

 

[seangoh]

So I need advice. Is it possible that this guy and I are really meant to be together?

You seem to be in a very tough dilemna Acceptance and i don't even know whether my advice would be useful to you to help you "get out". There is no such thing as meant to be together in a sense where God has purposed for this particular guy to be with this particular girl. This is called predestination and it's not biblical because it's implying that if God has a guy for you, He will do all it takes to protect his life even though the guy willingly wants to kill himself. That's just an example to state my point. So with this predestination idea shelved, it would deal into God's wisdom and God's will.

If the guy is of the same faith, then it is God's will that under these principles of being equally yoked, He allows the relationship of both of you. But if you have more than 1 choice, then one would require God's wisdom by praying for it. The text in 2 Cor 6:14 states:

"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers:"

There is a reason why Paul states this. His use of the term "yoked" brings to mind the ox that is attached to a wooden plank affixed to the center and goes round in circles to grind the grains. Occasionally if the farmer wants to speed up the process, he would put in another ox. However, the principle was not to choose another weaker ox or a stronger one. For a moment, both will start off fine but when time goes by, the weaker one will lag behind and get tired. A further passing of time, the weaker one will be literally dragged by the stronger ox who is still going round and round. And finally, the strong ox would just be pulling the carcass of the weaker ox. Similarly in relationships, we would try to look for a partner with the same faith commitment to minimize disastrous consequences that might happen in the future. So perhaps what i'm suggesting is to further ascertain his true self and what his values are and to look far into marriage and the years that follow and envision the person he would be then. There are many nice people in this world and nice is hardly a reason for marriage although it is factored in, albeit minorly.

Hmm..hope it helps.

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

On the other hand, I don't want to leave my boyfriend on the chance that I just like this other guy because he's "new". What do you guys think? Any/all advice is welcome.

I have to make this quick, as I'd like to respond more, but I had to say something about this line. It stuck out at me.

Why are you with your current boyfriend? From that statement above, I read that you only are with him because he's better than being alone and that you're "safe" with him. Do you love him? If not, why would you consider marrying him? If you do, I think you need to stay clear of ther old-pal-guy.

I think you need to evaluate your current relationship before you consider having one with this "new" guy.

 

[Talie]

There is a reason why Paul states this. His use of the term "yoked" brings to mind the ox that is attached to a wooden plank affixed to the center and goes round in circles to grind the grains. Occasionally if the farmer wants to speed up the process, he would put in another ox. However, the principle was not to choose another weaker ox or a stronger one. For a moment, both will start off fine but when time goes by, the weaker one will lag behind and get tired. A further passing of time, the weaker one will be literally dragged by the stronger ox who is still going round and round. And finally, the strong ox would just be pulling the carcass of the weaker ox.

Interesting, i heard differently about this and always wondered which way it really goes. I heard that it's acutally the bigger and stronger of the animals that ends up injured or dies - i can't remember the explanation of WHY this was the case, but i remember it made sense at the time. And you know what, it makes sense in a spiritual sense as well - think about it, in a relationship where one is of strong faith and the other is of weak faith - which way do things nearly always turn out - it usually goes that the one that had the stronger faith ends up becoming weaker as time goes by

 

[charligirl]

I agree with the un-equally yoked thing, so I am assuming both guys are christians for the purpose of my post.

You really need to evaluate where you are with your bf and where it is likely to go.. staying with him hoping he will one day want marriage might be a long wait!
It could be your interest in the other bloke is showing up cracks and underlying dissatisfaction with your current bf. Perhaps it's time to walk away anyway regardless of the other bloke. There is a great book called 'Should I get married?' by M Blaine Smith, it helps evaluate whether you are ready for marriage and whether the one your are with could be the one to marry.

I know many people who have ended up marrying old friends from school/college years later having met up again so who knows, perhaps it could be right. I would suggest you get serious with God and ask him to shine a light on your true feelings. I do recommend the book though!! might answer a few questions!

 

[wvmtnkid]

Part 2:
I've been dating someone for almost 3 years now. The whole relationship he's been very reluctant to get married, which has caused conflict between us at times (he's older too, so 'being too young' is not the excuse). I love him and never want to hurt him and genuinely do want to marry him

Hi Appecptance! Glad you decided to post and join us!

My opinion is that you should sort out the above situation before you even think about someone new. My feelings are you shouldn't stay in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. You say you love this fellow but he is reluctant to get married. Does this he will mean never get married or he will never marry you? Do you stay with each other because you would rather have someone then face the reality of not having someone? I think these are some questions you need to answer for yourself and with the person you are with. I don't know the extent of your relationship, but to me three years *seems* like enough time to tell whether the person is someone that you would contemplate spending the rest of your life with. You by know means have to get married or force an ultimatium at this point, but I think that you should have some sense where this relationship is heading.

If you are wanting to get married and he isn't, maybe it's time to make some decisions. And I would strongly suggest you make these decisions with out the thoughts of somebody waiting in the wings. I would be afraid that would cloud your judgement. If you truly love this guy and would be willing to wait for him to come around to the marriage idea, then I think you should cut off all communication with "pal guy". You have admitted you have an attraction for him, and that could just play havoc with your committment to your current guy. If you think that the current relationship is not going any further, than I would suggest that you really talk things out with your current boyfriend and get his take on a future with you and then decide what you really want. But I would do all of this BEFORE starting anything with someone new. You owe it to the fellow you are currently with to straighten your feelings out before encouraging the attentions of someone new. Really to both guys. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? If your current boyfriend found himself attracted to someone new? Would you want him to go out with her before deciding how things were with you? Would you feel betrayed if you found out? I am not accusing you here, just trying to put the situation into perspective.

 

[Acceptance]

Wow, you guys are so smart! Thank you all so much for your advice, it does help to get outsiders perspectives. Someone asked if I love my current bf. Yes, I do -- I love him dearly and at about 6 months into our relationship I felt like this was the guy I wanted to marry. But I've been badly hurt in the past (which I know is not an excuse, but it's true) and so I think with his non-committal attitude, I've begun holding him at an arms length. I know this isn't good for the relationship and actually I've recently told him that I don't think I'm ready to get married right now, because I figure that if other guys are turning my head - which they are - then I'm not ready to get married. I didn't tell him that was why, just that I feel what God's plan for my life and what my plan for my life is at this point may be different.

I do hear what you guys are saying about maybe my guy friend seems like a catch because of problems in my current relationship and I think this is very valid. As I've said, I feel like I'm holding my bf at an arms length because I don't want to get hurt like I was before. (This part I've told him).

As far as being equally yoked, I am a very strong Catholic and my bf was a very strong Reformed Christian when we started dating. He was so strong in his faith that for a while he really felt we had to stop dating because of our belief's. However, as we've both dove into the bible and examined our belief's, my bf has had some changes of faith and while he still considers himself to be Protestant, he comes to Catholic Mass with me every week. So in this sence we've gotten a lot closer, however we're still not on the same page completly. The other guy, my friend, is a Catholic, but it not on fire about his faith like I am and like my bf used to be.

WVMTNKID, I think you make a good point about what if the situation was reversed. I would be so hurt that he couldn't/didn't talk to me about things. I think some parts of me don't want to be alone, because while I have a successful career, I really want to be a stay at home mom who cleans the house, has dinner on the table, and raises the kids. I don't want to be alone, but I can honestly say I'm not staying with my current bf just to have someone in my life.

For the record, I've tried giving ultimatum (sp?) in the past and I just can't stick to them. If I don't talk to him for more than a day I end up feeling like my world has ended. So I don't know what that means.

Anyway,thank you all so much for your replies. I know this is long, but you guys did offer some great help.

May the love of Christ be with you all.