What should i do? ex-gf caught up in crime

[stilicho]

hi, first time poster here.

So, a month and a half ago, i found out that my girlfriend of 2 years had cheated on me with a co-worker, a week before a planned trip together to Europe. Needless to say we broke up, and the trip never occurred. We are both in college, and we were on our winter break at the time. After i found out about everything, i basically entered into No contact with her until school restarted recently. She is in a class of mine, so contact was unavoidable. after an initial period of awkwardness, we talked, and i explained that i forgave her for what she did, as i felt as that was the right thing to do, and afterall, God will judge what she did, not me. i also explained that i do not hate her, i do however hate what she did. after this, we began to talk in class a bit, which i try to keep light hearted and fun, as i dont want to keep bringing up the past.

Today however, she seemed truly hurting, and being that i once loved her deeply, i obviously was concerned. After a few failed attempts to find out what was bothering her, she revealed to me that the guy that she cheated on me with, whom she ran to after we broke up, is involved with certain criminal activities via family connections, and she is slowly, albeit willingly, drawn into this world, in the belief that she is helping this guy "leave that life behind," when it is obvious she is being used.

The moral conundrum here to me, is im not sure what to do with all of this. I still worry for the girl, and dont wish any harm on her. ive tried telling her to distance herself from this and get away, but to no avail. i feel as if i should tell her mom, to prevent any further damage to her daughter, but im not sure if i should get involved. I guess the question is, which would be morally correct, to try to force help on her, or to leave her alone?

pls help, this is burning me inside.
​

 

[stilicho]

Please offer me some guidance

 

[Jesus Christ 5 Life]

hi, first time poster here.

So, a month and a half ago, i found out that my girlfriend of 2 years had cheated on me with a co-worker, a week before a planned trip together to Europe. Needless to say we broke up, and the trip never occurred. We are both in college, and we were on our winter break at the time. After i found out about everything, i basically entered into No contact with her until school restarted recently. She is in a class of mine, so contact was unavoidable. after an initial period of awkwardness, we talked, and i explained that i forgave her for what she did, as i felt as that was the right thing to do, and afterall, God will judge what she did, not me. i also explained that i do not hate her, i do however hate what she did. after this, we began to talk in class a bit, which i try to keep light hearted and fun, as i dont want to keep bringing up the past.

Today however, she seemed truly hurting, and being that i once loved her deeply, i obviously was concerned. After a few failed attempts to find out what was bothering her, she revealed to me that the guy that she cheated on me with, whom she ran to after we broke up, is involved with certain criminal activities via family connections, and she is slowly, albeit willingly, drawn into this world, in the belief that she is helping this guy "leave that life behind," when it is obvious she is being used.

The moral conundrum here to me, is im not sure what to do with all of this. I still worry for the girl, and dont wish any harm on her. ive tried telling her to distance herself from this and get away, but to no avail. i feel as if i should tell her mom, to prevent any further damage to her daughter, but im not sure if i should get involved. I guess the question is, which would be morally correct, to try to force help on her, or to leave her alone?

pls help, this is burning me inside.
​

honestly, I don't know what I would do in that situation. You could talk to her mom if you think it would help but be prepared for her to be angry with you for it. I guess it depends on whether or not she really wants to get outta the situation she is in.

Even if she does leave this guy I would be careful about getting back involved with her unless she truly acknowledges that what she did was wrong with a promise that it won't happen again.

 

[stilicho]

thank you for responding

honestly, im not even worrying about a possible reconciliation between us. It's more me seeing a girl that i loved more than the world at one point, going down a very dark path, and i see her falling apart. I do think that by telling her mom, it would most likely destroy any friendship we have, but i feel like that may be a necessary sacrifice in order to help save this girl.

i just feel like if i dont do something, its like im sitting idly by, while someone who is so obviously lost and confused, endangers herself more everyday.

I feel like her contacting me recently is almost a subconscious cry for help, as if she knows she needs to get away from this, but cant do it by herself or something.

idk, this whole ordeal just pains me greatly. its hard seeing somebody who was once so innocent and sweet, turn dark so quickly, and with apparent adverse effects.

What do you guys think?

 

[Grey Wanderer]

One word (or letter, if you wish)

EX

She's not your responsibility. She's not your gf, your wife, your sister, your mom, your daughter. She's an acquaintance at best. You can give her friendly, genuine advice but forcing help will probably make things worse. She'll feel like you "ratted her out" to her mom and she'll probably resent you because you will have added to her stress. Then she won't have to deal with just her boyfriend, but her mom too. There's also a risk of putting yourself in danger. If her criminal boyfriend found out that you were (what he would consider) meddling, there's a risk that he might do something to you or have something done to you.

She has the power to change all this by turning her life around, but you can't do it for her. As much as you want to, you just can't. Be there as a friend when she asks for advice but don't muscle yourself into her troubled life and try to force resolve whether she likes it or not. That will escalate things very quickly.


Hope all works out for the lot of you.

 

[stilicho]

you are right, she is my ex, and maybe i should just wash my hands of everything. Its just so hard to see her go through this, even though she burned me like she did, and broke my heart.

i pray for her, and i hope they will be answered, but i just cant stand to see this go any further. im gonna give it some more time, and think about it more, but does anybody think i SHOULD try to help her in some way? besides advice.....

and yes, i know there could be repercussions, im not so much worried about myself, as i can protect myself, but i would be worried bout my family if anything, but i doubt it would get that far.

 

[Grey Wanderer]

you are right, she is my ex, and maybe i should just wash my hands of everything. Its just so hard to see her go through this, even though she burned me like she did, and broke my heart.

i pray for her, and i hope they will be answered, but i just cant stand to see this go any further. im gonna give it some more time, and think about it more, but does anybody think i SHOULD try to help her in some way? besides advice.....

and yes, i know there could be repercussions, im not so much worried about myself, as i can protect myself, but i would be worried bout my family if anything, but i doubt it would get that far.

I think another big part is emotion. It's getting you sucked in because you still have feelings for her.

Would it be "so hard to see her go through this" if it was a girl that you knew, but never dated? Was never in love with? Would you be AS concerned then?

I don't think so. The emotion & sentimentality of the person is what's playing the bigger part of drawing you into her life again, not the situation itself. You haven't even been broken up for 2 months from a 2 year relationship........yeah, I can imagine the feelings still being fresh.

Anyway, in conclusion, I would definitely recommend some healthy distance between the two of you. Proving once again that the right things to do are usually the hardest.

Hang in there, bud.

 

[daydreamergurl15]

First thing first, PRAY! This is beyond you because it involves a change of heart of someone else, only God can help in that aspect. If you feel she is in danger only God can make her see reason at this point. Secondly, you listen to what God have said.

Now, I know that sounds simple and there is no way that it will work...
I mean, I can tell you that you can go to the police, but you don't have any real hard evidence of what that family has done (if you do, then you need to go to the police). I can tell you to tell the mother (which she needs to know what her child is involved in as well) but if you want an ending that will be pleasing to God than you need to pray to God

Sorry, that's all I got.
And I'm not assuming that you haven't prayed about it, I'm just saying to pray again....it won't hurt.

 

[Zebra1552]

One word (or letter, if you wish)

EX

She's not your responsibility. She's not your gf, your wife, your sister, your mom, your daughter. She's an acquaintance at best.

So was the man the Samaritan helped. And what did Jesus say prior to that story? Love your neighbor as yourself. You do whatever you can to get her out of it. Even notify the police if you must. You look out for her well being. Just like you would any other human being on the face of the planet. So yes, she is your responsibility.

 

[Jesus Christ 5 Life]

So was the man the Samaritan helped. And what did Jesus say prior to that story? Love your neighbor as yourself. You do whatever you can to get her out of it. Even notify the police if you must. You look out for her well being. Just like you would any other human being on the face of the planet. So yes, she is your responsibility.

it is NOT that simple

she has to decide for herself

if he calls the police on her, she will never talk to him again and she will probably want to rebel against authority further out of spite alone

 

[Zebra1552]

it is NOT that simple

Really? Why's that?

she has to decide for herself

Why? You presume she knows best? That something bad will happen if he steps up? What possible basis do you have for concluding that she MUST under any circumstance decide for herself to leave, other than assumptions?

if he calls the police on her, she will never talk to him again and she will probably want to rebel against authority further out of spite alone

Prove that she would do this. You have no idea what her reaction would be. You do what it takes to get her out of it. If that means calling the cops, do it. If that means talking with her, do it. If that means talking with her folks, do it. Whatever it takes. I fail to see how that came across. It is not loving to let someone get themselves and other people hurt. You intervene.

 

[Jesus Christ 5 Life]

Really? Why's that?

Why? You presume she knows best? That something bad will happen if he steps up? What possible basis do you have for concluding that she MUST under any circumstance decide for herself to leave, other than assumptions?

Prove that she would do this. You have no idea what her reaction would be. You do what it takes to get her out of it. If that means calling the cops, do it. If that means talking with her, do it. If that means talking with her folks, do it. Whatever it takes. I fail to see how that came across. It is not loving to let someone get themselves and other people hurt. You intervene.

you can't impose yourself on people against their will

and violating her trust is not going to help the situation

he is not responsible for her beyond advice and a shoulder...its HER life and she has to do figure it out for HERSELF

 

[Zebra1552]

you can't impose yourself on people against their will

Show that this is imposing.

and violating her trust is not going to help the situation

Show that getting her out of that will by necessity violate her trust. Did you bother reading what I wrote? Here, let me quote it:

You do what it takes to get her out of it. If that means calling the cops, do it. If that means talking with her, do it. If that means talking with her folks, do it. Whatever it takes. I fail to see how that came across. It is not loving to let someone get themselves and other people hurt. You intervene.

he is not responsible for her beyond advice and a shoulder...its HER life and she has to do figure it out for HERSELF

Then Jesus was a fraud according to your advice and we should ignore our neighbor's circumstances and refuse to help them in favor of them 'figuring it out for themselves'. Sorry, not going to fly in a Christian forum.

 

[Jesus Christ 5 Life]

Show that this is imposing.

Show that getting her out of that will by necessity violate her trust. Did you bother reading what I wrote? Here, let me quote it:


Then Jesus was a fraud according to your advice and we should ignore our neighbor's circumstances and refuse to help them in favor of them 'figuring it out for themselves'. Sorry, not going to fly in a Christian forum.

you don't help by calling the police on a friend who is trusting you

I don't have to show anything, its common sense

Jesus did not impose Himself on people

He spoke and people either rejected or accepted...He didn't abandon His mission to try and force unbelievers to believe...He didn't alert the authorities to arrest people committing crimes

 

[Zebra1552]

you don't help by calling the police on a friend who is trusting you

Did you catch the 'if need be' part, or are you just ignoring it?

I don't have to show anything, its common sense

This is a Christian Philosophy and ethics forum. We discuss things using logic, not by 'well, it's common sense' excuses for not giving reasons for things.

Jesus did not impose Himself on people

Died on the cross for our sins! Certainly did impose. We'd be utterly out of luck if He just let things go.

He spoke and people either rejected or accepted...He didn't abandon His mission to try and force unbelievers to believe...He didn't alert the authorities to arrest people committing crimes

We're not talking about using force. Red herring.

 

[Jesus Christ 5 Life]

Did you catch the 'if need be' part, or are you just ignoring it on purpose?


This is a Christian Philosophy and ethics forum. We discuss things using logic, not by 'well, it's common sense' excuses for not giving reasons for things.

No, He just let people continue in their sin without providing them a means for exiting it. Jesus dying on the cross ring any bells?


We're not talking about using force. Red herring.

my conversation with you is over

you feel a need to be right so I'm just going to let you feel like you are right and move on with my life

 

[Zebra1552]

my conversation with you is over

you feel a need to be right so I'm just going to let you feel like you are right and move on with my life

I don't argue to be right. I argue to learn and grow. I learn nothing and get nowhere when people will not give justification for their positions. I've given mine. You refuse to give yours and instead choose to make this about me rather than the issue.

 

[stilicho]

Christ 5 life is correct in that it will cause her to cease talking to me, but I guess I look at it as a necessary sacrifice I might have to make in order to help her. While I also agree that I can't really impose myself on her, as that will cause her to rebel and do the opposite, I Do agree that she does not know what's best for her, and is easily persuaded by people. When I last spoke with her, I stated that I've shown her what's wrong about what she's doing and where she's headed, and its her job to act on it, but I think that if I see her continue downhill, I will have to intervene. Is this a good course of action?

 

[Zebra1552]

Yes, but intervene how? Talk with a pastor about the details. He's probably done interventions before.

 

[stilicho]

Intervene in the sense of contacting her mother and describing the situation as her daughter did to me, and if need be, go the the police. I don't want to see the girl hurt herself, I know she's my ex, and an ex who hurt me greatly, but it would not be right to not help her, as I believe that's what the lord would want from me. I will continue to pray for her, and monitor the situation, and of course, further advice is appreciated.