What makes a guy tuck?

[mkgal1]

I don't know if it's because I've been reading 1 Timothy 4 (and about the topic of false Asceticism ) but I saw a correlation there.

 

[Teslafied]

How is a husband to "love in a Christ-like way" if he doesn't know what's bothering you?

Is your husband too volatile for you to bring things up like this (I'm sorry if I missed something)?

No matter which "model" you follow for marriage.....neither spouse ought to be living in an unhealthy way (imposed by the other spouse). We need our support of our friends and family we love (and who are healthy for us).

Yes there is some things I just can't talk about or it causes trouble. I don't bring it up because I don't want to make him upset, sometimes he gets so angry it scares me so I just shut up.

 

[Teslafied]

I don't know if it's because I've been reading 1 Timothy 4 (and about the topic of false Asceticism ) but I saw a correlation there.

Well a lot has changed since I've courted and been married to him. I no longer watch, read, or listen to many of the things I used to... Im not allowed.

 

[mkgal1]

Yes there is some things I just can't talk about or it causes trouble. I don't bring it up because I don't want to make him upset, sometimes he gets so angry it scares me so I just shut up.

Well a lot has changed since I've courted and been married to him. I no longer watch, read, or listen to many of the things I used to... Im not allowed.

I'm not really understanding what you're wanting, then. I'm just going off my memory, but you've been married for a long time....correct? You don't want more of the same...do you (because these posts sound like pleas for change.....improvement)? IMO....it doesn't represent a "godly marriage" or being a "godly wife" when we allow bullying and flexes of power to drive the marriage (instead of kindness/compassion ).....but combating that *is* difficult....that's for sure (and battling it with equal flexes of power isn't a good idea, either....I agree).

 

[Teslafied]

I'm not really understanding what you're wanting, then. I'm just going off my memory, but you've been married for a long time....correct? You don't want more of the same...do you (because these posts sound like pleas for change.....improvement)? IMO....it doesn't represent a "godly marriage" or being a "godly wife" when we allow bullying and flexes of power to drive the marriage (instead of kindness/compassion ).....but combating that *is* difficult....that's for sure (and battling it with equal flexes of power isn't a good idea, either....I agree).

Well we've been married for about 4 years.

 

[LinkH]

Well a lot has changed since I've courted and been married to him. I no longer watch, read, or listen to many of the things I used to... Im not allowed.

Does he think it's a sin to watch TV< read romance novels (or magazines or whatever)?

 

[Teslafied]

Does he think it's a sin to watch TV< read romance novels (or magazines or whatever)?

Well he does not allow cable tv in the home he says its filthy. As for romance novels I don't have any because I know he wouldn't like it.

 

[ValleyGal]

I thought tucking is something transgendered men do.

Aside from that, I am a little concerned, Tesla. It seems to me your husband is rather controlling and limiting. Based on a lot of things you say, I assume you are being at least mentally abused, if not abused in other ways as well. This is a concern, and even more concerning is if you have children who live with you. I encourage you to find an abuse hotline or maybe talk to a social worker at a transition house, woman's shelter, etc. It seems to me you might need the kind of help they can provide.

 

[mkgal1]

He may have an aversion to his body....or *any* body (that's what I was getting at when I mentioned "false asceticism"). Asceticism is the notion that the physical body is the source of evil in humanity. This is the core belief of ascetic spirituality. Whatever his issue is.....he's certainly not treating you as he should, Teslafied. I agree with VG....you should look into quietly seeking out support.

 

[Teslafied]

I've had many tell me that it's abuse but it's not easy...

 

[ValleyGal]

I've had many tell me that it's abuse but it's not easy...

No, it's not easy. An abused woman needs to find her own motivation to address the abuse, or to flee from it. Too many women become stuck (freeze) in the situation like a deer in headlights - and abusive men count on this (this can also happen the other way around with women abusing men). They gradually set the stage for a woman's adrenaline, cortisol, etc. to have a very high baseline, the woman survives in that high-arousal state for a long time, and then it becomes impossible for some to either recognize it or de-escalate from it, or switch from the frozen state to a flight state.

Fear of the unknown becomes a motivator to stay in it, too. An abused woman will often have very few resources when she finally leaves - skills to get and keep a job, she has been distanced from family and friends, he has ruined her reputation at church (or he is exalted at church), etc. This is why it will take careful and private planning - gradually get your own power back without him knowing it. Establish friendships while he is at work, learn a skill or trade that will help you become independent, make connections with community resources, and plan it carefully. There are people who can help you with this process, tailored to your specific situation.

No, it's not easy, it is scary, it's new, it's out of what you know as a "comfort zone" and you might not be ready for it. What will make you ready for it is when leaving and facing the unknown even if it is uncomfortable is the more desirable option than staying and living in it for the rest of your life. I am not telling you to divorce; I am suggesting that you get into a healthy environment so you can learn what a mutually respectful relationship looks like and then you can decide once you are out of the toxicity, what you want to do about your marriage.

 

[Teslafied]

No, it's not easy. An abused woman needs to find her own motivation to address the abuse, or to flee from it. Too many women become stuck (freeze) in the situation like a deer in headlights - and abusive men count on this (this can also happen the other way around with women abusing men). They gradually set the stage for a woman's adrenaline, cortisol, etc. to have a very high baseline, the woman survives in that high-arousal state for a long time, and then it becomes impossible for some to either recognize it or de-escalate from it, or switch from the frozen state to a flight state.

Fear of the unknown becomes a motivator to stay in it, too. An abused woman will often have very few resources when she finally leaves - skills to get and keep a job, she has been distanced from family and friends, he has ruined her reputation at church (or he is exalted at church), etc. This is why it will take careful and private planning - gradually get your own power back without him knowing it. Establish friendships while he is at work, learn a skill or trade that will help you become independent, make connections with community resources, and plan it carefully. There are people who can help you with this process, tailored to your specific situation.

No, it's not easy, it is scary, it's new, it's out of what you know as a "comfort zone" and you might not be ready for it. What will make you ready for it is when leaving and facing the unknown even if it is uncomfortable is the more desirable option than staying and living in it for the rest of your life. I am not telling you to divorce; I am suggesting that you get into a healthy environment so you can learn what a mutually respectful relationship looks like and then you can decide once you are out of the toxicity, what you want to do about your marriage.

Even if I wanted to ever leave I couldn't. I'm cut off completely from my family and I have no real life friends. I don't drive and I don't own my own car. If I did leave he'd fight to get custody of my child. So I'll stay because that's what Godly wife should do. I know it's for the best because it will help me grow.

 

[ValleyGal]

A godly wife has good boundaries and allows only the good into her marriage. I hope that is what you can learn to do, then.

 

[ValleyGal]

Wait....I just re-read your post. I was wrong. What a godly wife would do is protect her child at all costs, and exposing your child to a relationship that is marked by control and eggshells is not providing your child a safe environment where she or he can grow and learn healthy relational dynamics. You are passing on the message that it's okay for women to be treated like that and it's okay for a husband to treat his wife like that. Is that what you want for your child> I should hope not. A godly wife will protect her child - so you need to either start living in your marriage but out from under his thumb, or you need to remove yourself and your child from that environment. Do what is best for your child. If your husband created the circumstances that you are cut off from your family and have no friends and if it is by his will that you don't drive or have access to a car, then you can go to a social worker at child protection and tell them what your husband is doing - they will help you keep custody of your child if you are the one protecting your child from that kind of control.

 

[LinkH]

Teslafied, I'd like to encourage you to do what you can to encourage your husband to some other, wise, members of the body of Christ in you life. It could be a pastor or an older wiser couple. He may not want to go to counseling, but if he'd agree to pray together with an older couple, join a home group, that might help him.

Generally, it is not a good thing to discourage a wife from being close with her family. There may be some cases where a family is toxic and the husband is trying to watch out for his wife. But I also see encouraging my wife to honor her father and mother as part of my role as a husband and as a Christian.

But also be careful about letting us posters act as armchair psychologists/counselors and diagnose your husband, who hasn't even posted, based on very limited information. It's possible to read all kinds of things (especially our own life experiences) into someone else's posts when not much information is given. So it's best if you get some kind of counseling, be it 'Christian counseling' or pastoral counseling, or advice from Christian friends, that it be from people who know you both.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

If you're not happy or feel like he's controlling, that's an issue bigger than if he tucked once for a laugh a few years ago. If you feel like he's controlling, you feel unsafe, or you feel isolated, you can reach out for help. There's a ton of organizations that do so.

Being a "Godly wife" doesn't mean you take whatever is handed to you with a smile, even if what's handed to you is harmful or hurtful.

 

[Mudinyeri]

We just had some friends whose daughter "escaped" a similar situation. She still lives in the same area as her ex-husband to avoid a sole custody battle.

Similar to you, Tesla, this woman's husband had cut off all communication with her family. He did allow her to drive, but she had to log mileage so he knew that she was only going to work and back. He extracted the family from three different churches as church members began to sense that something was wrong.

She filed for divorce and moved out. I don't know enough about your situation to make a recommendation.

 

[Teslafied]

We just had some friends whose daughter "escaped" a similar situation. She still lives in the same area as her ex-husband to avoid a complete custody battle.

Similar to you, Tesla, this woman's husband had cut off all communication with her family. He did allow her to drive, but she had to log mileage so he knew that she was only going to work and back. He extracted the family from three different churches as church members began to sense that something was wrong.

She filed for divorce and moved out. I don't know enough about your situation to make a recommendation.

Wow

 

[mkgal1]

Just know that any move towards your independence (and I mean even if you're to assert yourself and call your family against his wishes--even moves like that) may cause things to escalate. That's why I agree with the advice to reach out for help from someone who is experienced in dealing with this (domestic abuse hotline or women's services near you, etc).

 

[mkgal1]

Well a lot has changed since I've courted and been married to him. I no longer watch, read, or listen to many of the things I used to... I'm not allowed.

How does he make that point to you (that you aren't "allowed" to do/read/watch the things you used to)?

There seems to be a growing trend in modern conservative Christianity (and maybe that's due to social media?) that promotes the idea that the husband is responsible for what "goes into" the home (what you're describing: reading material; television; music..etc), but I don't see that anywhere in my Bible. Instead....I only see that we (as individuals) are to be protective of our hearts and minds. In marriage--I don't see "two becoming one" to be possible without the input and agreement of BOTH spouses. It really seems he's using religion to put a "sanctified" ribbon on his controlling ways. That's actually typical for abusers to do (guise it under the appearance of being "concerned" or "protective").

This kind of material (from Authentic Manhood) gives encouragement for a husband to control his wife (in my view---that's a twist of Scripture to believe a husband is to control his wife as if she can't make her own choices) Parents decide together what is "allowed" in their home--mostly b/c of the influence on their children: