Throughout the centuries there have been many rituals for finding a mate in human communities. Nowadays many Christians take issue with society's model, dating, as popularised on television and film leading to the invention of other models (e.g. courting). Unfortunately the book of "How to find a mate" was inexplicably missed from the bible. So in this thread it's time for you to invent and present your ideal model for finding a mate. A few areas you may wish to consider:
- What stages are there? - Friendship? Non-exclusive? Exclusive? Engagement? What differentiates the stages, what do you call them and what do you call the other person during each stage?
All the stages you have there are the ones I think, except for non-exclusive, except during the friendship phase, as it is only a friendship, you start out as a friendship, going out with her with other people involved, like bowling nights, going out with friends after work to a bar (be responsible - I keep to three beers when I go out to a bar, and that doesn't happen often), and other group activities - like joining a gym. Something where there is a group of people, and it is about friendship. Exclusive afterwards, where you spend more time with her. Where friendship would be only a date a week and a call or two a week, exclusive builds intimacy, where you go out two to four times a week, and should be e-mailing every single day. This phase should be after 3-6 months in the relationship, and should slowly build into the four times a week, like a couple times, and then three times a week as you progress into four times a week. The engagement, that would be seeing each other daily.
- Where and how do you meet? - Online? Speed dating? Church? Random people in a bar? Do you approach, wait to be approached or does someone else introduce you?
It depends. Approaching a girl is best, as it shows you have a backbone, but having someone introduce you is good too. This is a critical moment in starting a relationship, as the way you introduce yourself could totally turn the girl off of you. But, as I have always said, You will be turned down 10 times before you start a new relationship with someone, and it takes about 10 relationships before you meet that special someone, so expect 109 women to reject you!
What ever you do, when you introduce yourself, be confident. You are great, and don't think you aren't. If you are self-concience, or not confident, she'll pick up on it right away, and she will reject you outright because you're acting creepy.
- Who is involved in the relationship at each stage? - Is it just you and the other person or do friends, family, the church or anyone else have a role to play?
Friendship stage, friends from work and church should be involved. Nothing formal, no family.
Exclusive, introductions to family, because if you are fairly confident you want a deeping commitment, its time for introductions to our families.
Engagement, again, family needs to be a focus on this, on both sides.
- Who is there when you meet? - Just the two of you or will other people be there? Do you always meet in public or is meeting in private OK?
Friendship stage should have others there.
Exclusive, should lead into you and her mostly.
Engagement, you and here mostly.
- Where do you meet? - When is it OK to go to the other persons house? Are candle lit restaurants too romantic? Does the cinema distract from the point?
It is only appropriate to go to another person's house is when both of you own it and you are married.
In friendship stage, candle lit restaurants are way too romantic. Going out with friends to a show would be the perfect way to get to know them, or bowling, or a drinks and dancing at a bar (be responsbile).
When you are ready for the exlusive, and you want to show you would like to go to that next level, then a candle lit restaurant would be a perfect setting. Of course, that would be at least 3-6 months into the relationship.
- Physical intimacy - What physical intimacy is appropriate at what stage? Hugging? Holding hands? Kissing? French kissing? Sex?
Friends - Hugging, holding hands, a kiss on the cheek, and kissing on the lips for just a few seconds.
Exclusive and engaged- all in friendship, and kissing and holding each other for 10 seconds or more.
Sex is for marriage only. French Kissing leads to sex, so it should be avoided.
- Timing - How long do you expect each stage will take?
Friendship for 3-6 months. This allows the infacutation to die down, and serious commintments to be thoughtfully considered to happen.
Exclusive - another 6-9 months after that, developing intimacy that is required to have a succesful engagement and marriage.
Engagement - 3-6 months. Over all - that would take at least a year to 21 months before marriage.
- Name - finally and most importantly: what do you call your very own model for finding a mate.
GNJ realistic relationship development and advice.
Don't feel restrained to this points (except the last), I'm just trying to give you things to think about. Have fun.
Thanks.
