What is wrong?

[Brother135]

By all accounts, I should be happy. I just welcomed a son into the world. I just got a promotion and raise at work. I paid off the last of my credit cards and am now debt free. I've applied for a ministry training program I've felt called to do. Spring is here and the sun is out. I have new plants growing on the windowsill. By all accounts my life has never been better, I've never been more tangibly blessed, and I've never felt so surrounded by darkness.

I hurt so bad I feel it physically. I can't get out of bed to exercise anymore. I misuse food and am gaining weight. I don't want to watch movies, play games, or even be with my friends or spend time with my kids anymore. I've liquidated my facebook account, removing hundreds of friends because I just can't care anymore. Most nights I can't allow myself to have any alcohol because I know I'd be misusing it to escape. I struggle against, and almost weekly fall into sexual temptation. Something is wrong!

I've checked out suicide prevention sites, but they all talk about "crisis" I don't feel in crisis, I just feel tired. I've been trying to stay positive and optimistic for over a month, but I feel like I'm running out.
It's not that I feel worthless or useless or unneeded. I'm very talented, I contribute at work and church and they miss me when I'm gone. My family loves me and relies on me daily.

I'm not sure how to describe it. I feel like a backup copy of someone important. Like I ought to be doing something great, but I am just here, taking up space. Yes, I'm needed at my job, but from a wide angle, my job is stupid and holds no real meaning. Sure I'm engaging in ministry, but I have no real impact in anyone's lives. Yes, my family loves me, but I feel guilty about putting them into a position where they rely on me, I feel bad that I brought my kids into this world with me as their father. I feel like I go through the motions, but none of it matters.

I don't know if I trust therapy. My mom put me into a program once when I had some trouble at school, they prescribed medication and had me come talk to them each week. It felt pointless and useless, and I felt bad about the cost and the fact that my mom hid my therapy from my dad, and I felt frustrated that the drugs only gave me headaches, and the therapist who kept rehashing the same questions each week and didn't seem to understand that I didn't want friends.

I'm not allowed to kill myself. God is clear on that whenever I talk to Him. I am not interested in pharmaceuticals, I can't really afford them, and I've never experienced them doing me any good. I feel stuck.

I should feel great, but I don't. I should be happy, but I'm not. I should feel purpose, but I can't seem to find any. I'm tired of platitudes, and one-liner verses, and friends that aren't really there. I have to walk through this valley. I have to just keep going in the darkness that envelopes me, I have to keep moving and trusting... But I want out so badly. I'm tired and I don't like to hurt all the time.

 

[Jeshu]

I can hear you brother, it sounds very much like depressive symptoms to me, I recognize all of them as part of my condition. A pity you cut of medications, medications can make all the difference, the bible says the earth opened up its mouth and swallowed the flood satan had spewed after the women, there is nothing wrong get help from this world when you are facing the great desolation.

This is the first thing I noticed how lost you seem spiritually, not knowing where you are or why you are going through this. Have you noticed how good life is gone and bad life is in control and how bad life brings suffering?

For example have you been checking your thoughts and feelings past the truths of the bible? Have you been building your spiritual life in God and with God? Is God helping you now to get through the darkness or does He, like with Job, remain silent? (at first at least.)

According to the bible our weakness is His strength are you finding that?

You say that you have been thinking positive thoughts for a month but that you got no results ( and you didn't shoot them down with the negativity living within you?) However sowing positive thoughts has to be accompanied with positive re-enforcement - action in other words - the blessed rain of repentant heart - and then the warming sun of love for God and neighbour shining on your life - even if it is only for moments to start of with is - what you are searching after. Try praying for those who are hurting bad life for example and you will see that by offering a helping supportive and loving hand you benefit from such activities as well - growing time in good life - the more time in good life we gather the more time in bad life will begin to disappear.

That is how positive thinking work. To believe a different truth than your depressive thoughts are presenting you with and escaping the harsh reality of the darkness and its lies ruling your heart and mind right now.

Depression is a purification process where all our weakest and ignoble parts of self are asked to seek life in Christ and to overcome the great desolation that befalls everything which lacks faith inside of us.

My longest bout with depression was 7 years - an awfully long time - but I suffer from a depressive illness and have struggled with bouts of depression since my teen age years. I have been suicidal many times and know how bad depression can get.

However sowing God's word (and promises) in my my heart has made me stronger than depression can bring to bear and has let me escape its cruel clutches and instead let me get away with much treasure. Jesus has used my suffering and turned it into something good, absolutely amazing how He has done that.

However He used modern technology to help me in the battle with depression. Both E.C.T (electro convulsive therapy) medications, as well as vitamins and other forms of supplements, have helped me along to get over my depression. Though I'm currently quitting my meds once more to see if I can do with out now.

All good comes from God, I have certainly praised His name for healing me from my depression using modern techniques, and I know you might do the same if you let Him.

Honest go and see a doctor and see if medication bring things back into perspective.

Psalms 34
I will extol the Lord at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
I will glory in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me;
let us exalt his name together.


I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.


Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.


The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to blot out their name from the earth.


The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.


The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.


Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
The Lord will rescue his servants;
no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

 

[Extraneous]

Maybe this is a spiritual trial, in which the Lords strength is needed. I cannot say for sure, but i do know that whenever i feel like i don't care, or like im far away from God, or depressed, anxious, fearful, or anything that doesn't seem good, i just bow my head and wait on the Lord. The only other alternative, besides drugging our self with alcohol or other things, is to fret and let the moment of darkness overwhelm us. Try to just bow your head, and wait on the Lord. Perhaps you might find it useful

 

[Tempura]

You're depressed alright. You said you don't feel like you're in a crisis, that you're just tired, numb and still somehow hurting even if you're numb. That's how it is for many depressed people. It's not like things start to explode around us when there's a crisis.

I hope you try to get treatment, and if it's not working, just try to get some other treatment. I found therapy very useful. And I even quit it a couple of times, because it didn't seem to be working for me either. But I got lucky because I got a good therapist, and I guess that's why I kept going back. It can take a long time. There are usually many, many sessions that feel useless, and for most people it's not like some grand revelation comes in and saves the day. It's almost like work. You're working with that other person. At some point, I found myself being content and a little hopeful. I didn't feel any gears turning inside my head, but something had happened.

I've needed medication. I went through the whole circus, and I got a lot of meds I didn't need, and needed to try many different ones to find, if not the right one, then at least the one with no side effects. I needed something to calm my anxiety too, and benzos helped me with it. I'm trying to quit benzos after many many years, because large amount in daily usage for a long time made me addicted, which I already knew beforehand. I got ECT at some point, and I quit that too after a couple times. Many times I was in a hospital. AA is something I tried too. I don't go there anymore, but I'm kind of glad I did for a while.

I started praying, but I was so sick that I didn't really find much comfort in it then. I do believe now that God was with me when I went through the worst, when I hurt so much that I was afraid I was gonna have to kill myself, but I certainly didn't believe that then. But I endured. Sometimes it's about enduring the worst. I certainly learned many lessons, even though I wouldn't want to go into that "school" again. Anyway, we must not trust our feelings when we're in the darkness. They will betray us. It's good to trust in God and pray for Him. It's also good to know that Jesus suffered before us, and that the suffering ones have always been close to His heart. Even when we don't feel like it.

I guess it's about doing something about the situation. Getting help in various forms, something. Like praying, it's a form of active hope. And even when we don't feel it, it might benefit us in the long run.

Said a prayer for you, brother. Also, people are very understanding here. Feel free to hang around.

 

[Press On]

What these brothers have said. These men are my friends and I feel quite close to them, though we are scattered and I will never meet them on this side of eternity.

We each have our own widely varied life experiences. You are indeed depressed. Most likely a chemical tweak in the brain. If you can seek medical help this would be the time. I would suggest a psychiatrist because they are a full MD but specialize in these matters.

I know you have had bad experiences with pharmaceuticals in the past. The key is finding the appropriate one for you. I know, this part sucks. Trial and error. But the payoff is worth it.

I have had chem imbalance depression all my life. Genetic. All 5 siblings have had it to some degree. Right now, except for sleep issues I need sleep aids for, I am not on antidepressants for the first time in 29 years. I still have depression issues, but God has made it quite clear I must now seriously believe and depend on His Word to cope. This is just where I'm at in my personal journey.

Please stay around; you are safe here. We pray for you and are interested in your progress. Blessings.