What is the point of marriage?

[leothelioness]

What is the point in getting married if most men come into the marriage already using porn or are addicted to it? What's the point if I'm just going to be compared to some fake, plastic porn star or our sex life compared to what they do in porn?

 

[Hetta]

What is the point in getting married if most men come into the marriage already using porn or are addicted to it? What's the point if I'm just going to be compared to some fake, plastic porn star or our sex life compared to what they do in porn?

Not all men are this way. Just use the dating time to fully assess whether the man you are interested in has these kind of inclinations. Have healthy discussions about sex and make sure you are on the same page.

 

[seeingeyes]

What is the point in getting married if most men come into the marriage already using porn or are addicted to it? What's the point if I'm just going to be compared to some fake, plastic porn star or our sex life compared to what they do in porn?

Uh, they don't. Where the heck did you get that idea?

 

[russianorth]

Not all men are this way. Just use the dating time to fully assess whether the man you are interested in has these kind of inclinations. Have healthy discussions about sex and make sure you are on the same page.

I completely agree. When I was dating there were woman that seemed to want to make small talk for eons and there were women that were willing to get down to buisness and talk about real relationship issues.

Expectations need to be discussed early on. Obviously if he is dating you he knows what you look like so I would find it hard to beleive that he would expect you to look like a porn star as you are who you are sitting there with him drinking coffee or dinner etc. Now when it comes to what you are willing to do in bed is COMPLETELY a behavioral issue and you need to be on the same page up front. He may have got those ideas from porn or from an ex lover or by accident.

From reading other forums I have gleened that its less about expectations in looks (since its absurd to think that a guy would expect you to get major plastic surgery to look a certian way) and more about sexual performance. Alot of women dont like doing certian things in bed and they chalk it up to "men viewing porn" when in reality there are healthy couples that do do those very things in bed. Its like a cop out women use to get out of making their man happy. I see MUCH less whining from men about doing certian things for their women (we all know what im talking about).

Thats why it needs to be talked about right up front, bed room performance is a big deal breaker for alot of people so its important to be honest. When I was dating she was either willing to do XYZ or it was time to end the dating. After dealing with major fights about what is done in bed in past marraiges I simply dont have the patients anymore nor do I want to settle for a sub par relationship in the bed room again. It is one of the most aweful things that can happen with male female relationships.

Also keep in mind TYPICALLY if a guy has lower expectations in the bed room he has MUCH higher expectations in the looks and weight department. If a guy is willing to go out with a plain maybe heavier woman there is going to be a great deal of sexual expectation. Fortunatly for women if your not a 7-10 your ability to get a man is completely behavior based, if your a freak in the sheets and you have no qualms stating it upfront you will have their attention.

 

[Inkachu]

What is the point in getting married if most men come into the marriage already using porn or are addicted to it? What's the point if I'm just going to be compared to some fake, plastic porn star or our sex life compared to what they do in porn?

I don't believe that "most" men are porn addicts. I think it's probably a lot of them... more than we'd want to hear about... but it's not all. Or even most.

Don't settle, and don't give up. There ARE decent, honorable men in the world. They're hard to find, just like any worthwhile treasure. Sometimes it takes a long, long time. But it's always worth it.

FWIW my hubby is not attracted to porn at all. We've had very frank conversations about it. It holds no appeal for him whatsoever. He and I have both had our own individual pasts with porn, and it's not an issue for either of us anymore. It plays no role in our marriage.

 

[iambren]

There isn't a point if a potential husband is going to do porn. I know several Christian marriages where porn's destructive grasp on the man led to a divorce.

BUT,it's pessimistic to believe that all men have an addiction to porn. Sex is very high on the list for most men,it can make them stumble at times, and it's hard for a lot of women to understand. This link is one of the best resources I've found on the subject:


http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex_and_intimacy/understanding-your-husbands-sexual-needs.aspx?utm_source=nl_focusenews&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=213403&refcd=213403

 

[Andrea411]

What is the point in getting married if most men come into the marriage already using porn or are addicted to it? What's the point if I'm just going to be compared to some fake, plastic porn star or our sex life compared to what they do in porn?

While my daughter was dating, I reminded her that when guys tried to convince her to have sex, they were in essence telling you what they think about their relationship with the Lord. She was just as responsible for his spiritual well-being as he would be for hers. If he couldn't respect that while dating, then he wouldn't respect it when married. it was actually doing her a favor when they showed her their true selves.
She dated a lot of men. Most for only a few dates. She married a good man, willing to commit to abstinence before marriage. They were both in their thirties so this was difficult but they made it a priority, as well as committing their relationship to Christ. He has blessed them and they have made a wonderful couple. After almost 6 years of marriage, I couldn't be happier for them and their young daughter. What a wonderful husband and father he has proved to be.
So when these guys won't commit to celibacy they are doing you a favor, if you won't commit to celibacy, you are getting what you have asked for.

 

[McScribe]

Pornography is not really the problem. It is the result of the problem. The problem is that we live in a fallen world where most people do not value themselves or one another as God would have us do.

Both men and women struggle with intimacy issues because as the Bible says we were conceived in sin. Consider this: Adam and Eve, Cain, Jacob's son Judah, all people who had very direct evidence of God's goodness, yet sinned anyway. Why? Because temptation is actually very powerful. It is not easy to defeat. If we think that then we should also believe that Christ's faith ought to be easy to imitate, except that we know that it was not, that it required an extraordinary epiphany for his disciples to truly accept his teachings.

Christ's teachings tell us that criminal acts, obvious acts of rage or lust are conceived in our hearts. People let this become distracting when they express fears about what pornography use means. It isn't about them personally though, however much it hurts personally. It is about the brokenness of those using it.

This is also a women's problem too. Women are not merely victims of pornography but often active participants. When women decide they can dress and behave however they want to, and men are told this is good--does this not create temptation? Are women not tempted to want to be loved for the physical temptation they represent? It goes round and round.

The key is to realize that people will always struggle with sin, but that some are more aware of the importance of the struggle than others, and to prefer the company of such people and especially marriage to such a person. Remember that even to distribute charity the apostles made sure that the right people were chosen. Better to wait and be wise than to avoid loneliness and deeply regret it later. However even if that is the case, we can be strong in our trials through Christ. We are after all called to a great spiritual struggle against evil, not to a quiet life.

 

[Inkachu]

This link is one of the best resources I've found on the subject:[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]


http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex_and_intimacy/understanding-your-husbands-sexual-needs.aspx?utm_source=nl_focusenews&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=213403&refcd=213403

I'm usually pretty agreeable with most FoTF stuff, but that article is full of all kinds of wrong. It paints women as asexual intimacy-haters and pits them against their husband's "needs". Ugh. No.

 

[russianorth]

I'm usually pretty agreeable with most FoTF stuff, but that article is full of all kinds of wrong. It paints women as asexual intimacy-haters and pits them against their husband's "needs". Ugh. No.

But its an accurate painting especially of women who equate casual (non addictive) porn use with adultry and use that as a justification for divorce. these are often times the same women who have all kinds of hang ups in bed. Women who are doing what they are suppose to rarely have men that get involved with heavy porn addiction or actual adultry.

In fact I have read mens posts in other forums about how lucky they feel just to have a woman who does what he wants in bed without a bunch of complaint and manipulation. They just never say no and that is rare.

 

[seeingeyes]

I'm usually pretty agreeable with most FoTF stuff, but that article is full of all kinds of wrong. It paints women as asexual intimacy-haters and pits them against their husband's "needs". Ugh. No.

I can't handle Focus on the Family. :shudder:

There's another article on that page under the heading, "When your husband isn't interested in sex", that says: "Accept What He Offers. One of the keys to growing beyond the frustration you now feel is learning to accept the many ways your husband is likely showing you love." And that's in an article for women.

So basically, sex is for men. Just give it up ladies, unless you want more, in which case you need to get used to going without.

I...better not give my full opinion on that.

 

[seeingeyes]

In fact I have read mens posts in other forums about how lucky they feel just to have a woman who does what he wants in bed without a bunch of complaint and manipulation. They just never say no and that is rare.

I want a wife who never says "no", too! I'd get me a little Stepford sweety who knows how to scrub floors and cook a perfect steak every time. Oh! And she can do my car maintenance, too. Slaves r fun!

 

[russianorth]

I want a wife who never says "no", too! I'd get me a little Stepford sweety who knows how to scrub floors and cook a perfect steak every time. Oh! And she can do my car maintenance, too. Slaves r fun!

That would be nice but I settled on JUST the sex stuff and that was hard enough to find but I can do my own maintenance.

 

[seeingeyes]

That would be nice but I settled on JUST the sex stuff and that was hard enough to find but I can do my own maintenance.

It's just that much easier if you can "do your own maintenance".

 

[leothelioness]

Uh, they don't. Where the heck did you get that idea?

I just see and hear too much about it for it to not be somewhat of an issue. And it is disconcerting.

I don't personally have an issue with some of the acts that are done in porn, except for the more degrading stuff. I just don't agree with the mindless consumption of it. It alters the brain both chemically and physically and I don't see it as something that any good can come of.

TBH, my tastes would probably be a bit more towards mild kink, but that alone wouldn't keep a husband from viewing porn if he already does, to address what someone has said earlier.

 

[russianorth]

I just see and hear too much about it for it to not be somewhat of an issue. And it is disconcerting.

I don't personally have an issue with some of the acts that are done in porn, except for the more degrading stuff. I just don't agree with the mindless consumption of it. It alters the brain both chemically and physically and I don't see it as something that any good can come of.

TBH, my tastes would probably be a bit more towards mild kink, but that alone wouldn't keep a husband from viewing porn if he already does, to address what someone has said earlier.

You should not worry so much, from what I have seen must of the reason for heavy addicitive porn use is for one of 2 reasons, a guy has a really hard time getting women to sleep with him so that is how he had to exist for long periods of involentary celibacy or he has a partner that wont do something he needs in bed and he wont leave becasue he had a hard time finding her in the first place or she is super hot.

Every now and then you will hear of a woman who puts on a significant amount of weight and the guy looses interest too but it usually takes quite a bit of weight for that to happen (like at least a 30 lb gain if not 50 or more).

 

[seeingeyes]

I just see and hear too much about it for it to not be somewhat of an issue. And it is disconcerting.

I don't personally have an issue with some of the acts that are done in porn, except for the more degrading stuff. I just don't agree with the mindless consumption of it. It alters the brain both chemically and physically and I don't see it as something that any good can come of.

TBH, my tastes would probably be a bit more towards mild kink, but that alone wouldn't keep a husband from viewing porn if he already does, to address what someone has said earlier.

Consider where you "see and hear" it. You're always going to hear more from women whose men have an extreme porn consumption problem because no one else needs to talk about it.

Assuming that "all men are addicted to porn" is bound to have an effect on how you treat men (some of whom are your brothers in Christ), and that will certainly affect your marriage prospects.

But remember, you are not going to have some random "a husband", but rather you will have a man that you have chosen (and who has chosen you). There are ways to rule out men who have gone overboard with porn (whatever "overboard" means to you) long before you get to the altar.

 

[iambren]

I'll admit that as a divorced man I view porn occasionally. Not daily,rather sporadically and usually for about 5 minutes. It actually gets boring with the same script over and over,I don't have an addictive personality but sometimes I simply miss seeing a woman's naked body. Yeah! I REALLY want my OWN woman to be with and to love that way.

I have never read a Focus on Family article before and wouldn't agree with all of it either. BUT, I did agree that I don't think a lot of women realize what a big,big thing sex is for us men(yes,I know women have desires too). But with men it's tentacles run deep into his soul/identity and he is vulnerable to being hurt in his world when rejected. In fact,I believe women assume the right to marital fidelity from the man(I agree). But do they think in the same way that her husband has a right to her body,the scriptures even stress that he OWNS her body.

So if she rejects or he has an affair it's the same thing; a sexual sin against God and their marriage.

My story FWIW--I married 20 years ago. One year in my wife started to become untouchable. Twice she said to me "It has nothing to do with you". Intercourse became more and more infrequent and I can remember the very night in years 3-5 our two boys were conceived.

At year 7 I was famished and dry for love,intimacy,closeness. If I divorced I would be out of the home away from my boys. A woman appeared at the office that could meet all my needs. I prayed "God I know you don't like this but I'm going my own way".

And it worked! For two years until God chastized me through a botched nerve medication and a breakdown where I spent a week in the hospital. He had my attention and I broke the affair. At this point I mulled over-"Who's really at fault here? SHE'S the rejector that set all this in motion". But I had to come to the point where I had to own my OWN sin. She refused to deal with her stuff in counseling,she kept rejecting with her usual hate and putdowns so I decided to leave to keep my sanity. We divorced,relate well as ex-spouse,and the boys have done well. However I still wish that home could have been redeemed. Sad story.

 

[russianorth]

I'll admit that as a divorced man I view porn occasionally. Not daily,rather sporadically and usually for about 5 minutes. It actually gets boring with the same script over and over,I don't have an addictive personality but sometimes I simply miss seeing a woman's naked body. Yeah! I REALLY want my OWN woman to be with and to love that way.

I have never read a Focus on Family article before and wouldn't agree with all of it either. BUT, I did agree that I don't think a lot of women realize what a big,big thing sex is for us men(yes,I know women have desires too). But with men it's tentacles run deep into his soul/identity and he is vulnerable to being hurt in his world when rejected. In fact,I believe women assume the right to marital fidelity from the man(I agree). But do they think in the same way that her husband has a right to her body,the scriptures even stress that he OWNS her body.

So if she rejects or he has an affair it's the same thing; a sexual sin against God and their marriage.

My story FWIW--I married 20 years ago. One year in my wife started to become untouchable. Twice she said to me "It has nothing to do with you". Intercourse became more and more infrequent and I can remember the very night in years 3-5 our two boys were conceived.

At year 7 I was famished and dry for love,intimacy,closeness. If I divorced I would be out of the home away from my boys. A woman appeared at the office that could meet all my needs. I prayed "God I know you don't like this but I'm going my own way".

And it worked! For two years until God chastized me through a botched nerve medication and a breakdown where I spent a week in the hospital. He had my attention and I broke the affair. At this point I mulled over-"Who's really at fault here? SHE'S the rejector that set all this in motion". But I had to come to the point where I had to own my OWN sin. She refused to deal with her stuff in counseling,she kept rejecting with her usual hate and putdowns so I decided to leave to keep my sanity. We divorced,relate well as ex-spouse,and the boys have done well. However I still wish that home could have been redeemed. Sad story.

Sorry to say but the medical issue was probably random, its too bad you broke it off with her. Bad things happen to good people all the time.

 

[seeingeyes]

I'll admit that as a divorced man I view porn occasionally. Not daily,rather sporadically and usually for about 5 minutes. It actually gets boring with the same script over and over,I don't have an addictive personality but sometimes I simply miss seeing a woman's naked body. Yeah! I REALLY want my OWN woman to be with and to love that way.

I have never read a Focus on Family article before and wouldn't agree with all of it either. BUT, I did agree that I don't think a lot of women realize what a big,big thing sex is for us men(yes,I know women have desires too). But with men it's tentacles run deep into his soul/identity and he is vulnerable to being hurt in his world when rejected. In fact,I believe women assume the right to marital fidelity from the man(I agree). But do they think in the same way that her husband has a right to her body,the scriptures even stress that he OWNS her body.

So if she rejects or he has an affair it's the same thing; a sexual sin against God and their marriage.

My story FWIW--I married 20 years ago. One year in my wife started to become untouchable. Twice she said to me "It has nothing to do with you". Intercourse became more and more infrequent and I can remember the very night in years 3-5 our two boys were conceived.

At year 7 I was famished and dry for love,intimacy,closeness. If I divorced I would be out of the home away from my boys. A woman appeared at the office that could meet all my needs. I prayed "God I know you don't like this but I'm going my own way".

And it worked! For two years until God chastized me through a botched nerve medication and a breakdown where I spent a week in the hospital. He had my attention and I broke the affair. At this point I mulled over-"Who's really at fault here? SHE'S the rejector that set all this in motion". But I had to come to the point where I had to own my OWN sin. She refused to deal with her stuff in counseling,she kept rejecting with her usual hate and putdowns so I decided to leave to keep my sanity. We divorced,relate well as ex-spouse,and the boys have done well. However I still wish that home could have been redeemed. Sad story.

The only problem I see with this is the idea that men are peculiarly affected by this. They aren't. A constantly rejected woman is going to face the same issues as a constantly rejected man. Your average woman's range of what "sex" entails might be broader than your average man's, but both need to be wanted, that's for sure.

Porn is an easy target to rail against, though. It's easy to point fingers and say "you shouldn't do that!" Much harder is to look down deep and examine your own heart and the heart of your spouse (wretchedly honest mirror that every spouse is!) and soothe what's there with kindness and patience and wisdom.

May the Lord have mercy on us all.