- Jul 24, 2011
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Ok so absolutely everything has failed. Therapy failed. Medication failed. Exercise failed. Not even going to bother with that crap anymore so don't bother suggesting it. Not going to call some silly suicide hotline and repeat the pointless process all over again. The reality is what it is. Evil dominates reality and there is no escape in words, therapists, doctors, psych wards, coping strategies, in people, in isolation, in nature, in healthy diet and exercise, in fantasy, in recreation, in drugs...
Even prayer failed.
There is nothing in my eyes but a random chaotic universe. It is beyond my capacity to deny. It is almost certain.
So what is this thing called faith? Just going through life and jumping through the hoops while patiently waiting for God to get me through this life? Choosing by an act of will to believe what almost certainly doesn't exist? This doesn't seem to be happening and I seriously don't know what else to do but commit suicide. The longer I wait the more difficult it becomes to avoid turning into a violent lunatic. People keep mentioning alternatives and they never work.
I am 99.99999999% certain that God doesn't exist and that Christ never rose from the dead. Evil and ugliness are almost certainly the ultimate powers in the universe. How can one know with any degree of certainty that there is a real relationship with an invisible God and not with one's own happy motivating thoughts? How do you know that the strength you believe came from God didn't merely come from the elevated mood that faith gave you?
It is not physically or mentally possible to escape this reality. I cannot take a walk in the woods without looking at nature and seeing chaos and worthless chemicals. I cannot even go on this very forum without bumping into a scumbag political radical anti-theist who serves to remind me that evil people are unavoidable and constitute the overwhelming majority of the population. That's what really made me post this. That scumbag on this very forum. There is nothing positive to be done and no escape from the power of evil in real life, on the internet, in the work place, down the street, with family, with the innocent, in the wild, in my mind, in my soul, anywhere...
There is no little voice. No loving whisper in the silence. I can't help people without any source of strength. Tried that already for years and it didn't work. I've tried jobs and volunteer activities that are supposed to help people and re-direct one into a better lifestyle and worldview...didn't work. I messed those up big time and they changed nothing. Now I'm starting a new job and not looking forward to it at all. Just another disaster in a chaotic random universe where we are almost certainly completely alone or despised.
What else is there? More pointless prayer to a God who isn't there or won't listen? More attempts at self-delusion and trying to say happy words and think happy thoughts that are clearly and undeniably pointless attempts at diversion from an inescapable reality? This is really the last go, one last tiny chance. This isn't even clinical depression because there are no feelings, no sadness, and no physically lethargy. It's just the nihilistic world that I perceive with every part of my being. Life and reality are such sick disgusting jokes that I no longer even feel a revulsion to suicide or sorrow for what will happen to my family after I do the deed. It's like this sequence of events is built into time itself and can't be altered. So very very close to the end...
Even prayer failed.
There is nothing in my eyes but a random chaotic universe. It is beyond my capacity to deny. It is almost certain.
So what is this thing called faith? Just going through life and jumping through the hoops while patiently waiting for God to get me through this life? Choosing by an act of will to believe what almost certainly doesn't exist? This doesn't seem to be happening and I seriously don't know what else to do but commit suicide. The longer I wait the more difficult it becomes to avoid turning into a violent lunatic. People keep mentioning alternatives and they never work.
I am 99.99999999% certain that God doesn't exist and that Christ never rose from the dead. Evil and ugliness are almost certainly the ultimate powers in the universe. How can one know with any degree of certainty that there is a real relationship with an invisible God and not with one's own happy motivating thoughts? How do you know that the strength you believe came from God didn't merely come from the elevated mood that faith gave you?
It is not physically or mentally possible to escape this reality. I cannot take a walk in the woods without looking at nature and seeing chaos and worthless chemicals. I cannot even go on this very forum without bumping into a scumbag political radical anti-theist who serves to remind me that evil people are unavoidable and constitute the overwhelming majority of the population. That's what really made me post this. That scumbag on this very forum. There is nothing positive to be done and no escape from the power of evil in real life, on the internet, in the work place, down the street, with family, with the innocent, in the wild, in my mind, in my soul, anywhere...
There is no little voice. No loving whisper in the silence. I can't help people without any source of strength. Tried that already for years and it didn't work. I've tried jobs and volunteer activities that are supposed to help people and re-direct one into a better lifestyle and worldview...didn't work. I messed those up big time and they changed nothing. Now I'm starting a new job and not looking forward to it at all. Just another disaster in a chaotic random universe where we are almost certainly completely alone or despised.
What else is there? More pointless prayer to a God who isn't there or won't listen? More attempts at self-delusion and trying to say happy words and think happy thoughts that are clearly and undeniably pointless attempts at diversion from an inescapable reality? This is really the last go, one last tiny chance. This isn't even clinical depression because there are no feelings, no sadness, and no physically lethargy. It's just the nihilistic world that I perceive with every part of my being. Life and reality are such sick disgusting jokes that I no longer even feel a revulsion to suicide or sorrow for what will happen to my family after I do the deed. It's like this sequence of events is built into time itself and can't be altered. So very very close to the end...
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