What is the immediate alternative to suicide when all else has failed??

[Soothfish]

Ok so absolutely everything has failed. Therapy failed. Medication failed. Exercise failed. Not even going to bother with that crap anymore so don't bother suggesting it. Not going to call some silly suicide hotline and repeat the pointless process all over again. The reality is what it is. Evil dominates reality and there is no escape in words, therapists, doctors, psych wards, coping strategies, in people, in isolation, in nature, in healthy diet and exercise, in fantasy, in recreation, in drugs...

Even prayer failed.

There is nothing in my eyes but a random chaotic universe. It is beyond my capacity to deny. It is almost certain.

So what is this thing called faith? Just going through life and jumping through the hoops while patiently waiting for God to get me through this life? Choosing by an act of will to believe what almost certainly doesn't exist? This doesn't seem to be happening and I seriously don't know what else to do but commit suicide. The longer I wait the more difficult it becomes to avoid turning into a violent lunatic. People keep mentioning alternatives and they never work.

I am 99.99999999% certain that God doesn't exist and that Christ never rose from the dead. Evil and ugliness are almost certainly the ultimate powers in the universe. How can one know with any degree of certainty that there is a real relationship with an invisible God and not with one's own happy motivating thoughts? How do you know that the strength you believe came from God didn't merely come from the elevated mood that faith gave you?

It is not physically or mentally possible to escape this reality. I cannot take a walk in the woods without looking at nature and seeing chaos and worthless chemicals. I cannot even go on this very forum without bumping into a scumbag political radical anti-theist who serves to remind me that evil people are unavoidable and constitute the overwhelming majority of the population. That's what really made me post this. That scumbag on this very forum. There is nothing positive to be done and no escape from the power of evil in real life, on the internet, in the work place, down the street, with family, with the innocent, in the wild, in my mind, in my soul, anywhere...

There is no little voice. No loving whisper in the silence. I can't help people without any source of strength. Tried that already for years and it didn't work. I've tried jobs and volunteer activities that are supposed to help people and re-direct one into a better lifestyle and worldview...didn't work. I messed those up big time and they changed nothing. Now I'm starting a new job and not looking forward to it at all. Just another disaster in a chaotic random universe where we are almost certainly completely alone or despised.

What else is there? More pointless prayer to a God who isn't there or won't listen? More attempts at self-delusion and trying to say happy words and think happy thoughts that are clearly and undeniably pointless attempts at diversion from an inescapable reality? This is really the last go, one last tiny chance. This isn't even clinical depression because there are no feelings, no sadness, and no physically lethargy. It's just the nihilistic world that I perceive with every part of my being. Life and reality are such sick disgusting jokes that I no longer even feel a revulsion to suicide or sorrow for what will happen to my family after I do the deed. It's like this sequence of events is built into time itself and can't be altered. So very very close to the end...

 

[razeontherock]

Can I just say that one is not ready to live until one is prepared to die? That is the view I get from reading Jesus' words anyway ...

 

[Soothfish]

Can I just say that one is not ready to live until one is prepared to die? That is the view I get from reading Jesus' words anyway ...

If I could die doing something that appears honorable than that would be good.

There are soldiers with spouses and young children who get killed overseas. Meanwhile, those of us who have nothing to lose and no desire to live are forced to linger on and on and on and on and on for no apparent purpose...

 

[ephraimanesti]

If I could die doing something that appears honorable than that would be good.

There are soldiers with spouses and young children who get killed overseas. Meanwhile, those of us who have nothing to lose and no desire to live are forced to linger on and on and on and on and on for no apparent purpose...

MY BROTHER,

Your purpose, dear one, is to learn to Love: Yourself, your neighbor, and your Heavenly Father. Why would Loving not be a worthwhile way to spend your time on this brief sojourn? Sure pulled me back from the brink!

LOVE AND BLESSINGS TO YA!
ephraim

 

[oi_antz]

If I could die doing something that appears honorable than that would be good.

There are soldiers with spouses and young children who get killed overseas. Meanwhile, those of us who have nothing to lose and no desire to live are forced to linger on and on and on and on and on for no apparent purpose...

Didn't you consider what I suggested? I was heavily depressed too until I received inspiration from a wonderful tutor at university. It seems to me that you just need education, you need to learn how to see the world positively. You have learned how to see it negatively, but you are blind to the potential you have to actually make an impact on the planet. Look to Thomas Edison, he did wonderful things for humanity. Look to Albert Einstein, he did too. Are you going to put yourself before God and complain that you didn't have opportunity to do good in His world? What about all the living organisms that will die when you die? Who else is going to commit suicide because of you? Why don't you get off your butt, earn some serious dough and sponsor kids in poor countries? You have exactly the right sort of heart for doing it, you know that the rich can't fit through the eye of a needle, but you can can't you? One more thing, you write well. I think you could be a writer. Why not plead for God to show you the truth and dedicate your life to speaking in His favor instead of speaking against Him? Please answer these questions.

 

[xNIHILISTx]

I'm interested in your ideas of evil. You say that evil is the ultimate power in the universe, but if you are so certain that God doesn't exist, then what is evil really? Most religious people would say that evil comes from the devil or is that which is in opposition to God. The non-religious typically consider evil as a subjective idea; something that goes against their subjective preferences, but is not a supernatural force or something that exists independent of thought.

From your post it sounds like you believe in evil as a supernatural force. If I am correct in assuming this, may I ask where evil comes from? If all you look for is evil in the world, it is all you will find.

 

[Soothfish]

I'm interested in your ideas of evil. You say that evil is the ultimate power in the universe, but if you are so certain that God doesn't exist, then what is evil really? Most religious people would say that evil comes from the devil or is that which is in opposition to God. The non-religious typically consider evil as a subjective idea; something that goes against their subjective preferences, but is not a supernatural force or something that exists independent of thought.

From your post it sounds like you believe in evil as a supernatural force. If I am correct in assuming this, may I ask where evil comes from? If all you look for is evil in the world, it is all you will find.

Evil is the madness, callousness, and stupidity of most of humanity. Basically everything that stands in opposition to the objects of my love. The worst evils are the acts done in the name of something good (i.e charity, equality, compassion, progress, etc) because psychologically 'normal' people can find them acceptable. The randomness of nature doesn't help either. However, I must say that it is far worse for an innocent to be butchered by another human than it is to be killed by nature. Humans can degrade their victims in every possible way. This is why I am far more bothered by things like the Holocaust than I am about earthquakes and tsunamis.

 

[Soothfish]

Didn't you consider what I suggested? I was heavily depressed too until I received inspiration from a wonderful tutor at university. It seems to me that you just need education, you need to learn how to see the world positively. You have learned how to see it negatively, but you are blind to the potential you have to actually make an impact on the planet. Look to Thomas Edison, he did wonderful things for humanity. Look to Albert Einstein, he did too. Are you going to put yourself before God and complain that you didn't have opportunity to do good in His world? What about all the living organisms that will die when you die? Who else is going to commit suicide because of you? Why don't you get off your butt, earn some serious dough and sponsor kids in poor countries? You have exactly the right sort of heart for doing it, you know that the rich can't fit through the eye of a needle, but you can can't you? One more thing, you write well. I think you could be a writer. Why not plead for God to show you the truth and dedicate your life to speaking in His favor instead of speaking against Him? Please answer these questions.

I've done absolutely everything that you suggested. Still doing it actually. On Monday I'm starting a new job helping disabled elderly people and children. The problem is that I'm quite terrified of messing up because I'm totally alone with potentially unsolvable problems and my mind is not operating in a healthy manner despite years of training, medication, and therapy. I have long list of techniques from therapists, physicians, and clergy. Unfortunately, these techniques only work some of the time. If I meet a particularly evil person (which is almost every day I leave my home because they are at least half of the adult population) then I'll fall into a suicidal depression for the entire day. It's like these sociopaths suck the life force out of me instantly and I'm not the only one who has experienced this.

Not exactly an efficient way to get through this insane life. Forget about making a difference. I'd just like to get this crap over with and merely do my duty for the slight chance of getting into a heaven that most likely isn't there anyway. The rest would be asking far too much. Most people are doomed no matter what I try to do so there is danger in having any emotional connections with them.

 

[oi_antz]

I've done absolutely everything that you suggested. Still doing it actually. On Monday I'm starting a new job helping disabled elderly people and children. The problem is that I'm quite terrified of messing up because I'm totally alone with potentially unsolvable problems and my mind is not operating in a healthy manner despite years of training, medication, and therapy. I have long list of techniques from therapists, physicians, and clergy. Unfortunately, these techniques only work some of the time. If I meet a particularly evil person (which is almost every day I leave my home because they are at least half of the adult population) then I'll fall into a suicidal depression for the entire day. It's like these sociopaths suck the life force out of me instantly and I'm not the only one who has experienced this.

Not exactly an efficient way to get through this insane life. Forget about making a difference. I'd just like to get this crap over with and merely do my duty for the slight chance of getting into a heaven that most likely isn't there anyway. The rest would be asking far too much. Most people are doomed no matter what I try to do so there is danger in having any emotional connections with them.

I think it is time for you to establish your relationship with God. Reason I say this is because the knowledge that God gives us is able to counteract any and all actions of evil, if we will only trust Him. So how about next time you fall into that depression, you pray to God "help me" or a sincere thought to that effect, and then open the bible and read. Keep reading until He tells you something you didn't know. God has pulled me through the most intense demonic attacks, even psychosis to the point of a fear of being murdered. That was certainly intense, maybe as intense as your struggle, but if you just trust God then He will help you find your peace. So carry a bible with you and give that a go. If you find that it has the opposite effect, please note down the verse that upset you and come back to discuss it. Because God loves us, He only wants to love you, that is the whole reason He made you. I hope you can conquer that which is opposing you, just put your faith in God and ask Him for help. He is called the wonderful counselor for a good reason.

 

[oi_antz]

Most religious people would say that evil comes from the devil or is that which is in opposition to God.

Hi xNIHILISTx, nice to speak to you. I just want to tell you that I am religious but I don't believe evil is always perpetrated by the devil. Sometimes it is just human greed that perpetrates evil. So while the devil may sometimes encourage us to perform evil actions to suit his agenda, it is not always his agenda to incite evil. There was a great post about this, let me dig it up.. http://www.christianforums.com/t7593295/#post58582431 here is a great insight into the devil. Also there is an article about demons that I think puts it quite well.. here: Principalities and Powers « JACOB'S LADDER Take a read of that. Considering that demons are just liars gives a great insight into how Jesus is able to exorcise them, because with just one sentence He can smack the light of truth into a person that they will no longer be consumed by the lies. It's a more enlightened way of thinking about demonology than the classic devil and pitchfork and demonstrates why non-Christian religions can successfully exorcise too.

 

[Sarrapin]

Soothfish,

You said it yourself: the nihilistic world that you perceive. It's not the reality: sure, there are some bad elements, but there is so much to live for and enjoy. You may not be able to change how you feel, but you can change what you believe. Your feelings will catch up eventually. It's a battle of the mind - you might be interested in Joyce Meyer's book and audio CD Battlefield of the Mind.

Just one question that should be asked (to make sure): do you actually want to get better/change? Some times people, myself included in the past, as much as we hate our lives don't really want to give up our pity parties or we can actually become addicted to helplessness and other negative feelings.

I don't think that a simple prayer to God and nothing changing immediately is reason enough to write Him off as "not working" or Him being indifferent towards you. I think that God understands our doubts and weaknesses (see Hebrews 4:14-16). The Bible says that when you continue to seek after God with all your heart and soul that you will find Him (see Jeremiah 29:13 and Luke 11:9). Did you do that? The Bible does say to "taste and see that the LORD is good" - read the Bible (a chapter a day on specifically something like Luke, Romans and some other letters like Philippans), repent from your sins and hand the steering wheel of your life over to Jesus. Make a commitment - one that is independent of how you feel - and carry it through. Why not try it for 40 days?

I don't know what you're expecting. Lightning bolts from heaven and you're fine? It doesn't work that way and I am thankful that it doesn't. We only grow and learn more about God through the challenges that we face and walk through with Him (see Romans 5:3-4). God could snap His fingers and make us perfect: but such action would weaken us and cheapen the life that Jesus died to give us. Ask God to change your heart, to renew your mind, to see the world and people in it with His eyes. To have a heart for the lost, and to realise that many of the "evil people" are just like us - sinners who are in need of grace.

It might take time for the Holy Spirit to reverse the years of "stinkin' thinking" and bring our hearts to a place where He can mold us, but it will happen. The Bible guarantees it. The same God who created the universe in all its vastness is the same God who counted all the hairs on your head and has the power to turn any broken life around. More than that, He has the desire to. It's a choice that we have to make that determines our future (see Deuteronomy 30:19).

As an aside, you never know what people have went through in their lives, what they're struggling with on the inside, that may cause them to be who they are or act the way that they do. It might also be your perception; but Jesus died for them just as much as He did for you and me. When you see them in this light, rather than condemnation or whatever, it might help you tolerate and even have compassion on them. God sees them for who they can be in Him - that is, He sees their potential.

I'll be praying for you. I can truly see God turning your life around if you'll trust Him and it being strong evidence that His power is displayed in our weakness.

 

[Catherineanne]

If I meet a particularly evil person (which is almost every day I leave my home because they are at least half of the adult population) then I'll fall into a suicidal depression for the entire day. It's like these sociopaths suck the life force out of me instantly and I'm not the only one who has experienced this.

I know exactly what you mean; this happens to me as well. Worse still, there are several in my immediate family, so you can imagine what a state I am in.

Nonetheless, I refuse to give in; why let evil win? The saying goes, the best revenge is to go on to live a long and happy life. If we can't actually manage the happy bit for ourselves, at least we can do our bit to contribute to the overall happiness of other people, and you are doing this. If you go on to live to 85 and never actually feel happy, but contribute to happiness around you, that is a well spent life.

As for the sociopaths, I think it may help to reframe them. They are not actually evil, they are simply damaged. Damaged people can either damage those around them, or else do as you are, and contain the damage within themselves and try to help those around them. Containing the damage is intensely difficult and painful, but it is the right thing to do, and in spiritual terms it is very, very commendable. Whether you know it or not, the angels are on your side.

Evil does not exist as an entity any more than darkness does. Darkness is an absence of light, evil is an absence of good. Evil has no power over us unless we decide to abandon what good there is in us; I hope you don't ever come to that.

God be with you.

 

[Catherineanne]

Some times people, myself included in the past, as much as we hate our lives don't really want to give up our pity parties or we can actually become addicted to helplessness and other negative feelings.

This is simply not true of all people, and I suspect not true of S. Not all conditions are pity parties, and to suggest that they are is mischievous in the extreme.

If S has been damaged by sociopaths then this cannot be overcome by willpower, and the damage is not self pity or any kind of addiction. It is very real emotional damage, possibly causing harm to the person's self identity from a very early age. This cannot be overcome by simply wishing it away or by adopting a false attitude of positive thinking.

Positive thinking in such a context is just as harmful as negative thinking. What is needed is realistic thinking, and in the real world some people, such as S, such as myself, do suffer very real damage from sociopathic people, and we struggle to find a way out of that. This struggle is intensely difficult, and intensely painful, and in such a case simply staying alive takes a tremendous amount of resolve, willpower and strength. I know this, because I end up exhausted every day, simply from the struggle against anxiety, against the negative influences of those who had too much control of me when I was small, and who prevented my personality from developing normally. It can be fought, but it is far from easy.

It is most certainly nothing to do with self pity.

 

[Catherineanne]

Life and reality are such sick disgusting jokes that I know longer even a revulsion to suicide or sorrow for what will happen to my family after I do the deed. It's like this sequence of events is built into time itself and can't be altered. So very very close to the end...

Hiya S.

In an evil universe, created by an evil god, love would not exist. An evil god would be incapable of building love into his evil world.

In this universe, however broken, love does exist. Therefore, if there is any god at all, he has to be a God of love. In his love he has allowed us freedom, and sadly the end result of that far too often is that we choose to do the wrong thing.

You, however, even when suffering intensely, choose to do the right thing whenever you have the strength to do it. To me this is evidence that you not only know who God is, but you also serve him, whether you know it or not. Who else would recognise the evil all around him and still choose to serve altruism, and goodness, but a servant of the Most High?

Your life was given to you, and it is not yours to end. If you choose to do this you will turn your back on the goodness you seek, and serve the darkness instead. I don't think you will make that choice; you have far too much integrity.

There is an angel with a drawn sword standing between you and eternity. You may not enter until it is your time to do so. Meanwhile, you are doing so well; really, really well, considering the difficulties you have had to face. I commend your efforts, and I would really encourage you to see that what you are doing is invaluable. You may not see the value of it, but I do; your threads of gold are woven among the darkest threads of the tapestry, and will shine the brightest when we see the whole cloth of your life in eternity. It is commendable enough to live a good life when the other threads are bright and clear, but a thousand times more so when they are not, and when all that you see around you is darkness.

Light a candle in broad sunshine and it makes no difference. Light it in a very dark room and it shines forth bravely. You, my dear brother, are the candle in the very dark room, and your light shines far further than you imagine; it reaches all the way to heaven.

God be with you.

 

[Johnny Todd]

Ok so absolutely everything has failed. Therapy failed. Medication failed. Exercise failed. Not even going to bother with that crap anymore so don't bother suggesting it. Not going to call some silly suicide hotline and repeat the pointless process all over again. The reality is what it is. Evil dominates reality and there is no escape in words, therapists, doctors, psych wards, coping strategies, in people, in isolation, in nature, in healthy diet and exercise, in fantasy, in recreation, in drugs...

Even prayer failed.

There is nothing in my eyes but a random chaotic universe. It is beyond my capacity to deny. It is almost certain.

So what is this thing called faith? Just going through life and jumping through the hoops while patiently waiting for God to get me through this life? Choosing by an act of will to believe what almost certainly doesn't exist? This doesn't seem to be happening and I seriously don't know what else to do but commit suicide. The longer I wait the more difficult it becomes to avoid turning into a violent lunatic. People keep mentioning alternatives and they never work.

I am 99.99999999% certain that God doesn't exist and that Christ never rose from the dead. Evil and ugliness are almost certainly the ultimate powers in the universe. How can one know with any degree of certainty that there is a real relationship with an invisible God and not with one's own happy motivating thoughts? How do you know that the strength you believe came from God didn't merely come from the elevated mood that faith gave you?

It is not physically or mentally possible to escape this reality. I cannot take a walk in the woods without looking at nature and seeing chaos and worthless chemicals. I cannot even go on this very forum without bumping into a scumbag political radical anti-theist who serves to remind me that evil people are unavoidable and constitute the overwhelming majority of the population. That's what really made me post this. That scumbag on this very forum. There is nothing positive to be done and no escape from the power of evil in real life, on the internet, in the work place, down the street, with family, with the innocent, in the wild, in my mind, in my soul, anywhere...

There is no little voice. No loving whisper in the silence. I can't help people without any source of strength. Tried that already for years and it didn't work. I've tried jobs and volunteer activities that are supposed to help people and re-direct one into a better lifestyle and worldview...didn't work. I messed those up big time and they changed nothing. Now I'm starting a new job and not looking forward to it at all. Just another disaster in a chaotic random universe where we are almost certainly completely alone or despised.

What else is there? More pointless prayer to a God who isn't there or won't listen? More attempts at self-delusion and trying to say happy words and think happy thoughts that are clearly and undeniably pointless attempts at diversion from an inescapable reality? This is really the last go, one last tiny chance. This isn't even clinical depression because there are no feelings, no sadness, and no physically lethargy. It's just the nihilistic world that I perceive with every part of my being. Life and reality are such sick disgusting jokes that I know longer even a revulsion to suicide or sorrow for what will happen to my family after I do the deed. It's like this sequence of events is built into time itself and can't be altered. So very very close to the end...

Well it appears there's nothing anyone could say to change your mind, so if I were you, and considering what your leading to. I would work that new job and save some money, because the only place you can get this treatment is not in the USA, Mexico has it and many people have been treated for depression, and claim this one dose application is not only physically changing its a very spiritual experience also........Its not my first choice, but you seem to have exhausted all normal forms of therepy and medicine and are alluding to taking your own life......which is a really bad choice, get the job, make some plans after googling "Ibogain" If I were willing to take my own life to get free from depression, I would at least try anything I could that offered any real help. from what I've listened too people are healed completely forever with one dose

 

[Soothfish]

Soothfish,

You said it yourself: the nihilistic world that you perceive. It's not the reality: sure, there are some bad elements, but there is so much to live for and enjoy. You may not be able to change how you feel, but you can change what you believe. Your feelings will catch up eventually. It's a battle of the mind - you might be interested in Joyce Meyer's book and audio CD Battlefield of the Mind.

Just one question that should be asked (to make sure): do you actually want to get better/change? Some times people, myself included in the past, as much as we hate our lives don't really want to give up our pity parties or we can actually become addicted to helplessness and other negative feelings.

I don't think that a simple prayer to God and nothing changing immediately is reason enough to write Him off as "not working" or Him being indifferent towards you. I think that God understands our doubts and weaknesses (see Hebrews 4:14-16). The Bible says that when you continue to seek after God with all your heart and soul that you will find Him (see Jeremiah 29:13 and Luke 11:9). Did you do that? The Bible does say to "taste and see that the LORD is good" - read the Bible (a chapter a day on specifically something like Luke, Romans and some other letters like Philippans), repent from your sins and hand the steering wheel of your life over to Jesus. Make a commitment - one that is independent of how you feel - and carry it through. Why not try it for 40 days?

I don't know what you're expecting. Lightning bolts from heaven and you're fine? It doesn't work that way and I am thankful that it doesn't. We only grow and learn more about God through the challenges that we face and walk through with Him (see Romans 5:3-4). God could snap His fingers and make us perfect: but such action would weaken us and cheapen the life that Jesus died to give us. Ask God to change your heart, to renew your mind, to see the world and people in it with His eyes. To have a heart for the lost, and to realise that many of the "evil people" are just like us - sinners who are in need of grace.

It might take time for the Holy Spirit to reverse the years of "stinkin' thinking" and bring our hearts to a place where He can mold us, but it will happen. The Bible guarantees it. The same God who created the universe in all its vastness is the same God who counted all the hairs on your head and has the power to turn any broken life around. More than that, He has the desire to. It's a choice that we have to make that determines our future (see Deuteronomy 30:19).

As an aside, you never know what people have went through in their lives, what they're struggling with on the inside, that may cause them to be who they are or act the way that they do. It might also be your perception; but Jesus died for them just as much as He did for you and me. When you see them in this light, rather than condemnation or whatever, it might help you tolerate and even have compassion on them. God sees them for who they can be in Him - that is, He sees their potential.

I'll be praying for you. I can truly see God turning your life around if you'll trust Him and it being strong evidence that His power is displayed in our weakness.

My worldview is not based on emotion but on overwhelming evidence. I see their DEEDS and they cannot be excused for them. Every evil imaginable has entered my mind at one point or another but I have never chosen to smash a child's skull in or sawed her living head off with a rusty knife. That takes an act of volition from an otherwise soulless monster.

Sure I'll give God even longer than 40 days. I will go to my job every day, provide assistance to the needy, and pretend that everything is happy and fine. However, there are limits.

 

[Soothfish]

This is simply not true of all people, and I suspect not true of S. Not all conditions are pity parties, and to suggest that they are is mischievous in the extreme.

If S has been damaged by sociopaths then this cannot be overcome by willpower, and the damage is not self pity or any kind of addiction. It is very real emotional damage, possibly causing harm to the person's self identity from a very early age. This cannot be overcome by simply wishing it away or by adopting a false attitude of positive thinking.

Positive thinking in such a context is just as harmful as negative thinking. What is needed is realistic thinking, and in the real world some people, such as S, such as myself, do suffer very real damage from sociopathic people, and we struggle to find a way out of that. This struggle is intensely difficult, and intensely painful, and in such a case simply staying alive takes a tremendous amount of resolve, willpower and strength. I know this, because I end up exhausted every day, simply from the struggle against anxiety, against the negative influences of those who had too much control of me when I was small, and who prevented my personality from developing normally. It can be fought, but it is far from easy.

It is most certainly nothing to do with self pity.

It's good to see that some more people understand.

 

[Catherineanne]

It's good to see that some more people understand.

Yes, I understand. I understand so much that I can't watch the television news, or horror films, or even mild detective programmes if they feature violence or graphic injuries. I have to be careful what images I allow into my mind, because I do not have the same kind of defences against such images that other people have.

Your comment above, for example, I had to skim past, so that it did not create visual images for me. It is not that other people don't know these things exist, but they have a resilience that in me has been worn away by trauma. I suspect the same may be true of you.

Part of the answer I have found is to create an artificial barrier of our own, where the resilience is lacking. Don't look at those images, don't listen to the stories, and don't dwell on the evil. There is plenty of good around as well, so seek that out, and try to dwell on that. The bad stories will still get through, and you won't miss anything, but at least the images won't get to you and haunt you.

I do understand, at least in part, how hard this can be. We may not be the same; it would be too much of a coincidence if we were, but at least I can see part of it. And I can also see that you are very strong, and very resilient, but simply worn out by the struggle.

Try to find rest in small things; this is where we find God. The Buddhists say God is to be found in the space between breathing in and breathing out. Others find him in a sunset, or in the cry of a child. Personally, I find him in silence.

God be with you.

 

[Catherineanne]

However, there are limits.

Life is already short enough. Meanwhile, the limit is one day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes one minute or second at a time, if that is what it takes.

And if you really, really, honestly can't cope any more, and you think you are going to fall, then take to your bed, lie down and pretend to be dead. Believe me, it works. Every time those thoughts come to you, you simply say, I can't do that; I'm dead; No, sorry, I'm dead.

If you play dead, you can't kill yourself. And if you stay in bed long enough, you will find the strength to get up again, and get through another day.

And meanwhile, just in case, make sure your home is safe. Get rid of any dangerous medicines and other stuff; whatever you know you might be tempted by.

If you find yourself troubled by SI, then swap it for a different form of escape fantasy. Collect holiday brochures and plan the holiday of a lifetime, even if you never ever get to go there. This is far healthier than plans of another kind, which might get you where you really don't want to be.

God be with you.

 

[Tristan Johan]

The saying goes, the best revenge is to go on to live a long and happy life. If we can't actually manage the happy bit for ourselves, at least we can do our bit to contribute to the overall happiness of other people...

Having only had a moment to glance at your other posts here, I must say I'm impressed by your thoughts and ideas. I was in a hurry to reply to the quote just above.

This is what I've been clinging to, to survive my frustration and disappointment and loathing of the world. At the end of the day, this is all I have left, a challenge to myself to set my standards above that of what I see and despair about. Stripped of religion and belief, this idea you have conveyed so eloquently resonates as a core reason to keep going. Inside my mind I say it in a more ugly way, but it's nice to see it worded in this way, a more pure form of it.

Thank you.