Hey everybody,
I've come back to christanity from a childhood of believing, praying, and really felt God speak to me and love me since i went through a divorce when i was young, and constant fighting in the house, until about grade 6 or 7 when i decided God did not exsist, turning to heavy porn and drug abuse, as well as party's alcohol, girls, fighting, and an unhealthy addiction to video games that controlled my life. I was basically living 4 lives, one going to church and acting as tho i was fine, generally keeping to myself tho, 1 drinking alcohol and doing drugs with a group of friends that i spent most of my time with, and even getting into fights, when i know im an absaloute coward inside, the only thing that helped was my size and strength and pride and anger, 1 playing computer games for 16 hours straight at times, with my brothers, and 1 was my sexual depravity when i was alone, involved in the most henious acts.
Not to long ago i had some really strange expiriences before being converted, like being on a drug, and really opening up and being honest, and realizing how selfish and hateful, and deceitful i was. Had some really scary expiriences only in the last year, as i read a book that got involved in meditation, new age kind of doctrines, and i thought i had found the truth, and that i knew everything. what didn't help was i knew an older man who read the same book and told me not to tell anyone because it was impossible to explain, and that it was my gift. One time i felt as though I thought i was going to die, and i heard a voice telling me (maybe a demon) that i was going to die, or be in a mental institute the rest of my life, but it passed after being prayed for. One night I opened a bible and read the gospel of John and that night I saw Jesus was the truth. Since then i haven't watched porn(until today :/) but masterbated a few times, and was also released from my drug addiction to, after relapsing once or twice after conversion. I must say tho it has not been a pleasent ride at all, mainly being totally insecure, not knowing who I am at all, a monumental amount of self-conciousness, hypocrisy in my heart, that I am less of a sinner then others, judging others in my mind, which results in me fighting myself with scriptures that say do not judge and who are you mere man to judge another when you practise the same things, and not having much love in my heart for others, when deep down i really want to love and be selfless and help others in the same situation i was. but i just seem that my general attitude is so sharp and bitter, even tho i feel like i have no control over the emotions that i feel, and when i pray i feel like i am proud and bitter towards God, which leaves me in a state that i can't talk to God, without feeling like a self righteous hypocrit, putting on a voice. I don't have any friends that I'm close to but i feel thats my own fault, since i'm not very friendly, despite my attempts. I always end up getting into an awkward situation, don't know if its how i look or what, but its terrible. There have been maybe two times that i felt at peace and could see the world clearly again when i was speaking with my brother once, and with my grandparents once, but it didn't last. I find i can be honest with people, share things, sturggles, sins and testimony, but I still feels like im hiding myself. But yes there has been the odd time where i feel my heart opened and loving and peaceful and generally seeking the good of others because they are another human being, and i love and want the best for them. but they are short lived moments which i desperately seek.
Also i must add since conversion I don't do much other then read christian books, read the bible (but not so much as most of the time I read it and either fear that I am condemed or my neck stiffens and i start to tense up), go to church, bible study, and other then that seclude myself in my house (living alone) and read, pray, try to find peace. My mind is usually bogged up with the most random, spun out thoughts, and I nearly always persume the thoughts of others, which makes it impossible to see them for who they are, instead i just see a face, with the thoughts that i think they are thinking (which is all the time bad) so my perseption is skewered. i notice every thing that goes on, and at work its terrible, i feel some people can't be themselves around me, and i find myself constantly "at" people, but do my utmost to keep these emotions down, praying, letting go, trying to stop thinking so much. from the overthinking, i also am riddled with shame because i constantly forget things, damage things, and do the same silly things over and over again and usually can't remember what i did the day before, unless i stop and think for a while. Its like my brain is in a constant war and at times, especially when i was just converted, i was hearing multiple thoughts at a time. My head is usually sore from the excess thinking or some medical problem, but i have seen a doctor and explained symptoms, he wasn't to worried , just gave me some medication to increase seratonin, which i stopped taking because i didnt feel it was the right thing to do, i wanted to sort it out biblically, i wanted to sort my heart out, not just get back on some drugs to hide the problems.
Anyways just today I started playing a video game which is about medi-evil times of war and hatred and spells. As i was playing it i suddenly decided to look at porn and touch even tho i was conciously thinking to myself that it is wrong and feeling totally convicted. I didnt really have a lust for the women that i was looking at i was to busy thinking how wrong it was, and it was over within seconds. i instantly quit the page and quit the game to but now i just don't know where i am at at all.. Anyone got any help for me? thats another thing, i don't feel i am truly grateful when i have a monumental amount of things to be thankful for. Sorry im a tough case but yeah i would love to here your honest thoughts, thanks so much
Justin
I've come back to christanity from a childhood of believing, praying, and really felt God speak to me and love me since i went through a divorce when i was young, and constant fighting in the house, until about grade 6 or 7 when i decided God did not exsist, turning to heavy porn and drug abuse, as well as party's alcohol, girls, fighting, and an unhealthy addiction to video games that controlled my life. I was basically living 4 lives, one going to church and acting as tho i was fine, generally keeping to myself tho, 1 drinking alcohol and doing drugs with a group of friends that i spent most of my time with, and even getting into fights, when i know im an absaloute coward inside, the only thing that helped was my size and strength and pride and anger, 1 playing computer games for 16 hours straight at times, with my brothers, and 1 was my sexual depravity when i was alone, involved in the most henious acts.
Not to long ago i had some really strange expiriences before being converted, like being on a drug, and really opening up and being honest, and realizing how selfish and hateful, and deceitful i was. Had some really scary expiriences only in the last year, as i read a book that got involved in meditation, new age kind of doctrines, and i thought i had found the truth, and that i knew everything. what didn't help was i knew an older man who read the same book and told me not to tell anyone because it was impossible to explain, and that it was my gift. One time i felt as though I thought i was going to die, and i heard a voice telling me (maybe a demon) that i was going to die, or be in a mental institute the rest of my life, but it passed after being prayed for. One night I opened a bible and read the gospel of John and that night I saw Jesus was the truth. Since then i haven't watched porn(until today :/) but masterbated a few times, and was also released from my drug addiction to, after relapsing once or twice after conversion. I must say tho it has not been a pleasent ride at all, mainly being totally insecure, not knowing who I am at all, a monumental amount of self-conciousness, hypocrisy in my heart, that I am less of a sinner then others, judging others in my mind, which results in me fighting myself with scriptures that say do not judge and who are you mere man to judge another when you practise the same things, and not having much love in my heart for others, when deep down i really want to love and be selfless and help others in the same situation i was. but i just seem that my general attitude is so sharp and bitter, even tho i feel like i have no control over the emotions that i feel, and when i pray i feel like i am proud and bitter towards God, which leaves me in a state that i can't talk to God, without feeling like a self righteous hypocrit, putting on a voice. I don't have any friends that I'm close to but i feel thats my own fault, since i'm not very friendly, despite my attempts. I always end up getting into an awkward situation, don't know if its how i look or what, but its terrible. There have been maybe two times that i felt at peace and could see the world clearly again when i was speaking with my brother once, and with my grandparents once, but it didn't last. I find i can be honest with people, share things, sturggles, sins and testimony, but I still feels like im hiding myself. But yes there has been the odd time where i feel my heart opened and loving and peaceful and generally seeking the good of others because they are another human being, and i love and want the best for them. but they are short lived moments which i desperately seek.
Also i must add since conversion I don't do much other then read christian books, read the bible (but not so much as most of the time I read it and either fear that I am condemed or my neck stiffens and i start to tense up), go to church, bible study, and other then that seclude myself in my house (living alone) and read, pray, try to find peace. My mind is usually bogged up with the most random, spun out thoughts, and I nearly always persume the thoughts of others, which makes it impossible to see them for who they are, instead i just see a face, with the thoughts that i think they are thinking (which is all the time bad) so my perseption is skewered. i notice every thing that goes on, and at work its terrible, i feel some people can't be themselves around me, and i find myself constantly "at" people, but do my utmost to keep these emotions down, praying, letting go, trying to stop thinking so much. from the overthinking, i also am riddled with shame because i constantly forget things, damage things, and do the same silly things over and over again and usually can't remember what i did the day before, unless i stop and think for a while. Its like my brain is in a constant war and at times, especially when i was just converted, i was hearing multiple thoughts at a time. My head is usually sore from the excess thinking or some medical problem, but i have seen a doctor and explained symptoms, he wasn't to worried , just gave me some medication to increase seratonin, which i stopped taking because i didnt feel it was the right thing to do, i wanted to sort it out biblically, i wanted to sort my heart out, not just get back on some drugs to hide the problems.
Anyways just today I started playing a video game which is about medi-evil times of war and hatred and spells. As i was playing it i suddenly decided to look at porn and touch even tho i was conciously thinking to myself that it is wrong and feeling totally convicted. I didnt really have a lust for the women that i was looking at i was to busy thinking how wrong it was, and it was over within seconds. i instantly quit the page and quit the game to but now i just don't know where i am at at all.. Anyone got any help for me? thats another thing, i don't feel i am truly grateful when i have a monumental amount of things to be thankful for. Sorry im a tough case but yeah i would love to here your honest thoughts, thanks so much
Justin
. good luck with healing.. Im rootn for ya.
