What do you think?

[Mrs. Luther073082]

What do you think about two people calling themselves "in a relationship" before they've ever met each other in person?

(Bear with me here because I took tylenol PM earlier so I may not be the most coherent in this post...)

I used to think it was ridiculous to say you're in a relationship with somebody you haven't even met in person, but maybe it isn't. If two people are:

-Planning to meet each other​

-Have spent months (or even years) communicating online, on the phone, and on webcams​

-Have decided not to "keep looking" for other people​

Is that pretty much the same as being in a relationship (given that they spend a lot of time together and are committed) OR is calling it a relationship silly (given that they have not even met in person)?

FYI I am not trying to attack anybody that is in an online relationship. I am asking because I'm trying to figure out my own situation. I'm not committed (I refuse to call myself in a relationship with anyone, online or off, until I've known them for a year) but I am getting to know somebody with the intent of finding out if he's marriage material and I'm trying to figure out when it is appropriate to change my "status" to something other than single (assuming that we get to that point).

Lately I've noticed plenty of people have met online, called it a relationship, met in person, continued the relationship, and even gotten engaged and married. I find that encouraging Although recently I have also learned that there's been plenty of people who started out that way and broke up, too.

I guess that's about all for now.

 

[plum]

Well technically you're in a relationship as soon as you and this other person are relating to one another. I suppose the problem is defining said relationship, right?
What kind of relationship is it? Is it dating? Is it friendship with interest in maybe one day being romantic? Is it being romantically interested without commitment? Is it a long term interview until they pass the "marriage material test"?

In terms of online relationships--having been in a few before--I have done it both ways. My first boyfriend and I met online and talked on there and on the phone until we met. Then we decided to go out. He was pretty local to me so this was no problem. But I didn't date him until we had meshed together in person. the desire was there, but the commitment came later.

For long distance internet dating... that's a tough one. Yes, I think you can be in a romantic relationship with someone you have not met face-to-face, but it's not recommended by me. It's much more of a gamble. No matter how you get to know someone online, things are always different in person. Having had two long term relationships that started just like that, I'm only speaking from experience.

I'd much rather meet, if at all possible, before making the decision to be in a marriage-minded relationship with them (and the way I date at this stage of life is always marriage-minded). I want to see how we relate in a common space and in real life situations instead of in the intense bubble created by online/phone relationships. They are wonderful, but not naturally made. They're like genetically enhanced vegetables--yummy and delicious, but not grown the same ways.

so can you be? Sure, I think so. I have been before. Is this right for everyone? most likely no.

 

[catofhope]

I think any type of relationship is about commitment and communication.
For Randy and I it was when we started "courting" that we changed to our "in relationship" status.
We wanted to make it clear to others that we were TAKEN and NOT INTERESTED in pursuing others.

FWIW this is not my first long distance relationship.
And YES it is possible to be "in a relationship" without meeting in person first.
But like eirene mentioned it is not possible for everyone necessarily.

It does boil down to your individual definition of "in relationship" and what works for you.
Randy and I are certainly here to answer any questions you have, maycontainnuts.
Feel free to PM me anytime, if I can be of assistance.

 

[Extronic]

If you have found someone, established that you both like each other and are no looking for anyone else, I would consider that "in a relationship".

I met my girlfriend online and still continue to talk to her every day, and we are both considered "in a relationship" since we are both interested in each other and are not looking for anyone else.

 

[Princess Leia]

I met my boyfriend of two years here on CF, and we classified ourselves as "in a relationship" before we met face to face, because we were not looking to date or get to know any other people. I think it depends on the situation though, for some people it's fine, for others it's not.

Be blessed,
Princess Leia/Kendra

 

[none the wiser]

My boyfriend is 600 miles away, and we wanted to be involved for...8 months before we met. I considered myself very much taken, but I didn't put "in a relationship" on anything. I kept my status private, to avoid awkward questions, but I would reject anyone who asked me out. The day we met though I changed my status.

Imo, I should have been able to put "in a relationship" because...I was. I only didn't do it because of the questions and the looks I'd get when I tried to explain to people who have never had a relationship start over the internet. A lot of people really just don't get what it's like waiting for almost a year to meet.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Yeah, it is funny how not many people have shown a romantic interest in me for YEARS and then randomly ever since I've been talking to this guy, people have approached me, both online and offline. I realize that is just a coincidence but still it is awkward when it happens. One of the offline people was a guy I met at church over a year ago who just randomly started calling me again and hinting that he wanted a date. It would be so easy to just say, "I'm in a relationship". But then like you said, people wouldn't get it.

Also, I don't really get people online telling me they have "feelings for me" after only a few PM's or IM conversations. They don't really know me at all so I don't get the having feelings thing and I don't get why they would be upset after finding out I'm in "taken" mode. The fact is, they've never heard my voice, they've no idea what I look like except for pictures, and they know very little about my faults. The guy I'm talking to knows my voice, he knows what I look like when I'm tired (and not perfectly posing for a photograph), he knows my insecurities and my faults. /ranting

I'm not interested in anybody else at this time. I'm a one guy kind of girl. I don't know if the guy I'm talking to online will be the right one for me but I'm just the sort of person who only is interested in one person at a time.

Yesterday, I was talking to him on the phone and the word "girlfriend" slipped out of his mouth and I said something like "except.. I'm not your girlfriend". Then I started thinking, "well heck maybe technically I am his girlfriend" I commit a certain amount of time to this guy every day (and vise versa), we've "met" each others parents via the webcam and phone and also introduced our parents to each other via the webcam, we've talked about visiting, and we aren't dating other people.

The other thing that happened yesterday which got me to thinking about all this is a thread I made in the singles forum. In one of my posts, I said that I am single/not in a relationship and right after I posted it I found myself wondering if that's completely accurate to say.

But really I think I am getting way ahead of myself here. I will stick to my guns and go with my 1 year of "just friends" rule and then worry about defining the relationship. If he does visit me (which is the plan) it will be sometime in the first half of next year.

 

[joyouspirit]

As I have always said, meeting your SO online is just one of the ways now adding to the list of "I met him at chruch", etc.

I was in a relationship for 7 months, though we were the best of friends first and it was online, it was a good one though it ended for reasons out of my control. We were planning to meet but never really happened, so many pressures came so he chose to end it, sad but I'm okay now.

The thing I liked about it, the online thing is you get to know the inside beauty of the person you are talking to rather than the physical beauty of the person, that will come later when I guess when you finally meet, the meeting will only seal more the relationship. Just my honest opinion. No one will understand until you experience it yourself or on the other hand, you will still not understand it for we are all different individuals.

God bless!!!

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I think any type of relationship is about commitment and communication.
For Randy and I it was when we started "courting" that we changed to our "in relationship" status.
We wanted to make it clear to others that we were TAKEN and NOT INTERESTED in pursuing others.

FWIW this is not my first long distance relationship.
And YES it is possible to be "in a relationship" without meeting in person first.
But like eirene mentioned it is not possible for everyone necessarily.

It does boil down to your individual definition of "in relationship" and what works for you.
Randy and I are certainly here to answer any questions you have, maycontainnuts.
Feel free to PM me anytime, if I can be of assistance.

Thank you! I added you to my buddylist in case I have any questions later on. (Right now I am not accepting PM's from anyone other than mods and people on my buddylist.)

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Do you all think it is easier on couples that haven't met yet when it doesn't work out? /random thought

If so I could see that as another advantage to online relationships. I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt, but you wouldn't have to deal with that phase where you are reminded of them everywhere you drive because of the dates you went on or reminded of them whenever you smelled somebody wearing the same perfume/cologne, or miss their kisses, etc. Of course there would be lonely gaps in time where you used to talk...

 

[Luther073082]

I never liked it or recommended it because of the trust thing but its also occured to me that even in person there are things people can lie about and hide. So you just have to trust someone.

I would really recommend making plans to meet though when you start getting exclusive with one person. Keri and I found out that we where a little different in person then we where on the net. Thats ok, we stilled liked eacother.

So as for moderation I would say go ahead and do it as long as you have plans to meet in the future.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I never liked it or recommended it because of the trust thing but its also occured to me that even in person there are things people can lie about and hide. So you just have to trust someone.

I would really recommend making plans to meet though when you start getting exclusive with one person. Keri and I found out that we where a little different in person then we where on the net. Thats ok, we stilled liked eacother.

So as for moderation I would say go ahead and do it as long as you have plans to meet in the future.

You two talked on the phone a lot, right? Was it just weird actually seeing each other and getting used to each other at first?

 

[Luther073082]

You two talked on the phone a lot, right? Was it just weird actually seeing each other and getting used to each other at first?

Yeah we talked on the phone too. The only thing we didn't do is the webcam thing. She saw me cause I have a webcam but I never saw her on cam. Just pics

Its still a bit different getting used to someone's physical presence. Its a bit awkward but its not as awkward like I imagine a blind date might be. (I've never been on a blind date)

But people are a little different on the net then in real life. Physical presence changes a person a little bit. Keri says she thinks I'm much more loose and humerous in RL then on the net.

It was funny though because I had been flying for 6 hours and I didn't feel very good when I landed when I got to the airport the first impression Keri got was that I didn't like her. The problem really was that I was just pretty tired between getting up at 2 am my time on 5 hours of sleep that night and 3 the previous and driving 3 hours to Indianapolis, the stress of checking in, and then flying and running to catch a connecting flight in phoneix and then landing and my mind still being on eastern time.

By the time I landed I had already been up for 12 hours on very little sleep. Anyhow I was tired and wasn't feeling good and Keri thought that I didn't like her and she was a little hurt. I was really impatient waiting for my bags too . . . she was probably thinking, great he doesn't even like me AND I have to deal with this jerk for 4 days. But once I relaxed a bit and especially after I got a good nights rest on Monday night I was so much more relaxed and it really started to feel like vacation.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Yeah we talked on the phone too. The only thing we didn't do is the webcam thing. She saw me cause I have a webcam but I never saw her on cam. Just pics

Its still a bit different getting used to someone's physical presence. Its a bit awkward but its not as awkward like I imagine a blind date might be. (I've never been on a blind date)

But people are a little different on the net then in real life. Physical presence changes a person a little bit. Keri says she thinks I'm much more loose and humerous in RL then on the net.

It was funny though because I had been flying for 6 hours and I didn't feel very good when I landed when I got to the airport the first impression Keri got was that I didn't like her. The problem really was that I was just pretty tired between getting up at 2 am my time on 5 hours of sleep that night and 3 the previous and driving 3 hours to Indianapolis, the stress of checking in, and then flying and running to catch a connecting flight in phoneix and then landing and my mind still being on eastern time.

By the time I landed I had already been up for 12 hours on very little sleep. Anyhow I was tired and wasn't feeling good and Keri thought that I didn't like her and she was a little hurt. I was really impatient waiting for my bags too . . . she was probably thinking, great he doesn't even like me AND I have to deal with this jerk for 4 days. But once I relaxed a bit and especially after I got a good nights rest on Monday night I was so much more relaxed and it really started to feel like vacation.

Did she tell you about that after you went back home or sometime while you were still there?

I could totally see myself feeling the same way Keri did because I'm very analytical when it comes to things like facial expressions, tone of voice, etc.

 

[PassionateOne]

Also, I don't really get people online telling me they have "feelings for me" after only a few PM's or IM conversations. They don't really know me at all so I don't get the having feelings thing and I don't get why they would be upset after finding out I'm in "taken" mode. The fact is, they've never heard my voice, they've no idea what I look like except for pictures, and they know very little about my faults. The guy I'm talking to knows my voice, he knows what I look like when I'm tired (and not perfectly posing for a photograph), he knows my insecurities and my faults. /ranting So, if you guys already know this about each other, then meeting IRL should be fine. You've already building up a certain 'intimacy' with this person, so you already have a 'connection' to him. But, you still won't be 100% sure of your connection until you take it to the next 'step' and meet IRL.

I'm not interested in anybody else at this time. I'm a one guy kind of girl. I don't know if the guy I'm talking to online will be the right one for me but I'm just the sort of person who only is interested in one person at a time.
Again, you not really going to be 100% sure until you meet in person.
Yesterday, I was talking to him on the phone and the word "girlfriend" slipped out of his mouth and I said something like "except.. I'm not your girlfriend". Then I started thinking, "well heck maybe technically I am his girlfriend" I commit a certain amount of time to this guy every day (and vise versa), we've "met" each others parents via the webcam and phone and also introduced our parents to each other via the webcam, we've talked about visiting, and we aren't dating other people. So, you guys talk on webcam? Then you should 'kind of' know what he's like IRL. How far away is he from you?

The other thing that happened yesterday which got me to thinking about all this is a thread I made in the singles forum. In one of my posts, I said that I am single/not in a relationship and right after I posted it I found myself wondering if that's completely accurate to say.

But really I think I am getting way ahead of myself here. I will stick to my guns and go with my 1 year of "just friends" rule and then worry about defining the relationship. If he does visit me (which is the plan) it will be sometime in the first half of next year. I think you're being smart about taking your time and the 1 year rule. But, I would wait and talk about being a gf until you guys are together in person. JMHO

 

[Luther073082]

Did she tell you about that after you went back home or sometime while you were still there?

I could totally see myself feeling the same way Keri did because I'm very analytical when it comes to things like facial expressions, tone of voice, etc.

No before I was left she told me that.

I can see why she did though, but honestly I just wasn't feeling good and it wouldn't have mattered if someone was waiting on the other end with a suitcase with 10 million dollars in it I still would have probably looked unenthused.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

So, if you guys already know this about each other, then meeting IRL should be fine. You've already building up a certain 'intimacy' with this person, so you already have a 'connection' to him. But, you still won't be 100% sure of your connection until you take it to the next 'step' and meet IRL.

So, you guys talk on webcam? Then you should 'kind of' know what he's like IRL. How far away is he from you?

I think you're being smart about taking your time and the 1 year rule. But, I would wait and talk about being a gf until you guys are together in person. JMHO

Yes, we both have webcams. He lives in Texas and I am in Florida. I would do the one year rule regardless of whether or not I was getting to know someone in person or online, but I think it is easier to do it online. In person it sometimes seems like people are more rushed.

 

[tessas212]

Many of the people I am closest to are those who I have talked and formed a close frienship with over the internet. A true, close, lasting friendship. People I am quick to call my "second family" and trust more than I do even those I know in person.

I do think you have to be more careful over the internet.. but, I don't see why people can't care for eachother and start to be invovled in a relationship over the internet. Though, I'd consider it serious when they actually started seeing each other in person.

 

[Extronic]

I'd have to agree with PassionateOne there. Almost everything she said is how my relationship is going, about the waiting and not 100% until we meet. I do call her my girlfriend though, technically we are just not 'official' yet. I asked her, and she didn't mind if I did.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I'd have to agree with PassionateOne there. Almost everything she said is how my relationship is going, about the waiting and not 100% until we meet. I do call her my girlfriend though, technically we are just not 'official' yet. I asked her, and she didn't mind if I did.

How long have you been talking to her and when do you plan to meet?