What do we do with a deep desire to be married again?

[blackribbon]

I don't get what you are saying. Are you saying that this longing is a suffering and burden I must bear for the next 30+ years until it is my turn to die? Or that I have a responsibility to use my time to pursue men to become my husband if I want to alleviate it? (knowing that as we get older, widows outnumber widowers and unmarried men). God has no mercy or grace for a widow seeking to learn how to be content with the life handed to her...it isn't enough that I miss my husband every day but that I just need to accept this horrible emptiness as part of being human?

I get that some level of desire for companionship is human but I am not talking about the type that says "darn, I am lonely and bored tonight" but rather the type that makes a person walk around feeling like a empty ghost of a person...where dying feels like a preferable option because that means being with God..and home... and to never feel a lone again.

(note: I am NOT suicidal. I have kids whose lives would be ruined if I did anything like that and know it...but I can understand why people can get to that point.)

 

[blackribbon]

I don't get what you are saying. Are you saying that this longing is a suffering and burden I must bear for the next 30+ years until it is my turn to die? Or that I have a responsibility to use my time to pursue men to become my husband if I want to alleviate it? (knowing that as we get older, widows outnumber widowers and unmarried men). God has no mercy or grace for a widow seeking to learn how to be content with the life handed to her...it isn't enough that I miss my husband every day but that I just need to accept this horrible emptiness as part of being human?

I get that some level of desire for companionship is human but I am not talking about the type that says "darn, I am lonely and bored tonight" but rather the type that makes a person walk around feeling like a empty ghost of a person...where dying feels like a preferable option because that means being with God..and home... and to never feel a lone again.

(note: I am NOT suicidal. I have kids whose lives would be ruined if I did anything like that and know it...but I can understand why people can get to that point.)

 

[Bill Hamilton]

Probably weighing late on this but here goes . Couple of ways to meet people is . Attend luncheons and volunteer at senior citizens clubs , go to bingo , places like that . But for heavens sake stay away from dating sites. Old saying in my family that applies well to those sites and bars or the like is ( If you go to a hog trough all you will bring back is a hog ).

I wouldn't be so hard on all the dating sites. There are a couple I've found helpful and, in one case, introduced me to a pretty amazing Christian woman. I'm a missionary, so I was looking for someone with a missionary calling. If interested, check out CalledTogether.us I am reformed in my theology, so I also checked out sovereigngracesingles.com These are a couple that have proven to be the "real deal" in my opinion.

 

[Bill Hamilton]

I don't get what you are saying. Are you saying that this longing is a suffering and burden I must bear for the next 30+ years until it is my turn to die? Or that I have a responsibility to use my time to pursue men to become my husband if I want to alleviate it? (knowing that as we get older, widows outnumber widowers and unmarried men). God has no mercy or grace for a widow seeking to learn how to be content with the life handed to her...it isn't enough that I miss my husband every day but that I just need to accept this horrible emptiness as part of being human?

I get that some level of desire for companionship is human but I am not talking about the type that says "darn, I am lonely and bored tonight" but rather the type that makes a person walk around feeling like a empty ghost of a person...where dying feels like a preferable option because that means being with God..and home... and to never feel a lone again.

(note: I am NOT suicidal. I have kids whose lives would be ruined if I did anything like that and know it...but I can understand why people can get to that point.)

As a widower I found this post/article helpful: For Widows and Widowers Considering Remarriage - Marriage Missions International

I wanted to ask you a somewhat personal question that you may not prefer to answer here (or anywhere, for that matter - lol!), but as I just joined CF today, I haven't figured out how to send a private message to someone. If you'd be interested in considering my question, would you message me and I'll respond. Thanks!

 

[Mazvita]

Hello everyone

 

[Bill Hamilton]

Hello everyone

Hello to you, not to mention everyone else interested in this thread!

 

[blackribbon]

What do we do with the desire to be married again? I am not going to actively "shop for a husband" even if I had the time or energy too. I didn't do that to find the one God brought me in the first place. However, pray as I do to be released from this longing since I do not see the opportunity to even meet any single men showing up in my life, this continues to be a deep desire of my heart. I am not looking for "encouragement that someone will come" because personally, I find that to feel more like a reminder that God has forgotten me. I don't know that I will ever have a significant other in my life. How do you let go of the longing and loneliness?

Okay, I have had several people who think that this is a question about "how to find a mate" and not how to learn to live in peace with the life that it appears that God has given me, like I intended it to be. I guess I could change this to "what do I do with the deep desire to be a prima ballerina" when reality says that I am 51, 5ft 4in and slightly overweight...plus have to work for a living so can't dedicate hours necessary in a dance studio practicing. Reality says, chances are that I am not going to get remarried (for a multitude of reasons). How do we let go of a deep seeded desire that it appears is not part of God's will for our particular life?

 

[bill5]

I'm sorry for any offense, but I think the "it's God's will" reasoning has been used quite a lot in mankind's history to ignore the fact that God gave us free will and therefore (by his permission) WE are on the whole in control of our lives, not him.

Basically my post (#17) stands. If you decide to not seek out companionship, or if you do, either way it is your choice, not "God's will." If you have this intense longing for companionship due to intense loneliness or whatever, you might reconsider that the answer isn't trying to ignore those feelings or hope they will go away somehow, some day, but to act on it and not let the fact that trying and it didn't work out before means give up. Some of your other posts indicate you're not totally closed to this idea, but fear it will be too hard in various ways due to various things. Very understandable.

I'm sorry. No easy answers, if any. Obviously neither I nor anyone else has them. Just some things to consider. Frankly the idea of dating again scares the bejeebies out of me too.

 

[blackribbon]

Dating doesn't scare me. I have done it. I would be open to being asked out but I don't think God calls us to make seeking a partner a focus of our limited time. Since there are not any single men who seem to be crossing my path, then maybe there is a reason. To say I have to actively hunt for a man sound a lot like the very ungodly advice of "God helps those who help themselves". I do believe God is big enough to provide that which He believes is our best interest. That doesn't mean he gives us everything we desire though. It isn't like I am sitting by myself in an empty house feeling lonely and feeling sorry for myself. I miss being married. Dating is a pain in the butt and I don't really miss it at all. I don't miss the uncertainty or the insecurities. I certainly don't miss the heartache when you realize that a relationship isn't going to work long term and someone has to be hurt since most relationship don't end on mutual agreement.

The last guy I went out with told me how important it is for a person to not get too emotionally attached to the people you work with. Work is work and your personal life should be completely separate. This knowing my job is a nurse. We literally save peoples lives shoulder to shoulder...and there is no such thing as "each man for himself" if you want to survive. He also told me that he wished his sister who was dying of cancer and fighting so hard to live...he wished she would just die and stop inconveniencing everyone. I did not know what to say to that. I did not see him again. I honestly think he asked me out because he thought nurses were rich and he wouldn't have to spend any money on me. All three meetings were dutch even though he did the invite and made the plans. Really, I don't have the time to sort through the frogs to find a prince. I don't think that is a godly use of my time either. It is rather self-focused.

Find me the verses that say that a woman is supposed to make meeting her heart desires the focus of her life. I believe we are supposed to spend our time serving God and focus on the desires of His heart and trust Him to take care of us along the way.

 

[bill5]

Dating doesn't scare me.

Maybe a poor choice of words. "Have trepidation (or misgivings) about" might have been better, but I think or hope you got the gist.

I don't think God calls us to make seeking a partner a focus of our limited time.

Of course he does. Why else is the desire to have someone special in our lives so strong? And you are a widow, right? So why did you date and then marry your partner if God wasn't calling you to?

I suspect it's because having a lifelong partner was among your strongest of desires in life, and rightfully so. We are by nature social creatures, and while some cultures vary, generally monogamous ones in that kind of relationship.

I doubt I'm telling you anything you didn't already know though.

Since there are not any single men who seem to be crossing my path, then maybe there is a reason.

If I recall, you work nights (when most men are off) and are making few any efforts to socialize. I'm thinking those are the main reasons. PS I am not criticizing or condemning; that is a hard situation to be in ie to find time to spend with someone with that. But you'll never know whether it's workable without trying.

To say I have to actively hunt for a man sound a lot like the very ungodly advice of "God helps those who help themselves".

? What is "ungodly" about making the effort to make something happen vs just sitting there hoping it magically plops in your lap?

Dating is a pain in the butt and I don't really miss it at all. I don't miss the uncertainty or the insecurities. I certainly don't miss the heartache when you realize that a relationship isn't going to work long term and someone has to be hurt since most relationship don't end on mutual agreement.

Bingo. I think right there is the crux of it all. You very much want someone in your life but don't want to go through the hassle and potential pitfalls you just summed up so well to get there. (Honestly, really well...and I doubt you would get many if any to disagree!) Unfortunately, those are your 2 options. Accept the possibility of enduring those things to reach for that ultimate good, or shrink away and accept being alone for the rest of your life. Classic risk vs reward.

The last guy I went out with told me how important it is for a person to not get too emotionally attached to the people you work with. Work is work and your personal life should be completely separate. This knowing my job is a nurse. We literally save peoples lives shoulder to shoulder...and there is no such thing as "each man for himself" if you want to survive. He also told me that he wished his sister who was dying of cancer and fighting so hard to live...he wished she would just die and stop inconveniencing everyone. I did not know what to say to that.

He's fortunate he didn't say that to me. He might have needed your services then. What a disgusting excuse for a human being.

I don't have the time to sort through the frogs to find a prince. I don't think that is a godly use of my time either. It is rather self-focused.

You say "self-focused" like it's a bad thing. If you don't take care of yourself, who will? God certainly expects us to do so.

Anyway, that's certainly your choice. But remember it is just that: your choice. PS, remember men aren't all dirtbags like that guy. Some of us are even bearable.

Find me the verses that say that a woman is supposed to make meeting her heart desires the focus of her life.

Find me the verses that say that a widow should never seek out another partner. We could play the game all day long; it's pointless. Frankly I quickly dismiss anyone who quotes a Bible verse and goes there "see that proves I'm right!" It's a classic sign of a weak stance. So even if I had such verses, I wouldn't present them.

I believe we are supposed to spend our time serving God and focus on the desires of His heart and trust Him to take care of us along the way.

Not ALL of our time. But if you want to use that to justify not seeking someone out, again that is certainly your choice, and maybe it's the right one. A partner is not mandatory to live a fulfilling/happy life (though it sure helps w/the right person). Only you know.

ugh. No easy answers, are there.....I wish you the best, whatever you decide.

 

[blackribbon]

Actually, I don't remember ever putting in much effort to find a date before I got married....and when I started dating my husband, we were already good friends so it actually was just a gradual growth of a relationship that already existed. So no, surprisingly enough, I do believe that God is capable of putting the right people in your life when it is the right time without signing on to a online dating site or polling the room to see which men are single.

It sounds like you are saying my only options are to go out and try to find men to date....or be miserable. (Ironically, I have a married man who is trying to date me under the same premise...why would I chose to be alone and miserable when I can have half a relationship with him and not be so lonely all the time?). And I guess you live in a sheltered world that doesn't realize how much of the working world really does work on night shift...be it factories (line workers up to engineers), airports (pilots, maintain crews, security, etc), hospitals (doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, x-ray techs, engineers...), police/fire departments, electricians, etc... It isn't just a few lonely female nurses who are up all night long working.

Never mind about my original question. I will just figure out by myself. The only solution people want to offer is for me to go out and date the pleather of men that aren't really out there wanting to meet me. Somehow my loneliness is so obviously my fault and something that is easily solved if I would just put some effort in. Because...of course.....God intends for everyone who wants to be married to get married...because that is how it works...????

 

[Bill Hamilton]

Okay, I have had several people who think that this is a question about "how to find a mate" and not how to learn to live in peace with the life that it appears that God has given me, like I intended it to be. I guess I could change this to "what do I do with the deep desire to be a prima ballerina" when reality says that I am 51, 5ft 4in and slightly overweight...plus have to work for a living so can't dedicate hours necessary in a dance studio practicing. Reality says, chances are that I am not going to get remarried (for a multitude of reasons). How do we let go of a deep seeded desire that it appears is not part of God's will for our particular life?

Yes, I must admit your initial post almost seemed like a cry for help, and you noticed how many men - married, widowed and single - offered their advice on how to solve your problem of feeling alone! Haha! We men LOVE to solve problems, while you women sometimes just need a way to vent!

I first say God may not want for you to "let it go" as of yet. Maybe He wants you to take it to Him and trust Him with the timing on it. Maybe He wants you to pray about it, reminding yourself as you pray back Scripture who He is. Or maybe He wants you to analyze why you have this desire deep down. Why do you feel you need a man in your life again? Just some random thoughts I thought I'd share.

 

[blackribbon]

Yes, I must admit your initial post almost seemed like a cry for help, and you noticed how many men - married, widowed and single - offered their advice on how to solve your problem of feeling alone! Haha! We men LOVE to solve problems, while you women sometimes just need a way to vent!

I first say God may not want for you to "let it go" as of yet. Maybe He wants you to take it to Him and trust Him with the timing on it. Maybe He wants you to pray about it, reminding yourself as you pray back Scripture who He is. Or maybe He wants you to analyze why you have this desire deep down. Why do you feel you need a man in your life again? Just some random thoughts I thought I'd share.

My problem wasn't that I was manless......my problem was dealing with a desire that wasn't proving to be very practical.

And PRAY about it?....take it to God?....what a novel idea....(yes, that is sarcasm) PS....I never said I "needed" a man in my life. I think I have lived a life that proves that with God, I have been able to manage quite well alone. I simply said I would like to have a companion in life again...someone to be intimate with again (physically, emotionally, and intellectually)

 

[Bill Hamilton]

Oh, the sarcasm! Haha!
All I can say is, "Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4).

 

[Bill Hamilton]

"I honestly think he asked me out because he thought nurses were rich and he wouldn't have to spend any money on me. All three meetings were dutch even though he did the invite and made the plans." - Wow! You went out on a date with a guy like that three times?! Glutton for punishment!

 

[blackribbon]

"I honestly think he asked me out because he thought nurses were rich and he wouldn't have to spend any money on me. All three meetings were dutch even though he did the invite and made the plans." - Wow! You went out on a date with a guy like that three times?! Glutton for punishment!

Two were for coffee (first & last)...the last one was to give him one more chance to prove I was wrong about him. He didn't do anything wrong per say. He just proved his whole focus was on himself. Nobody can say I didn't give him a fair chance.

Ironically, if I had used the dutch argument as my main reason (which is isn't because I pay my own way for the first few dates so I don't ever mislead someone into believing that I owe them something at the end of the night), plenty of people would have accused me of being a gold digger.

 

[bill5]

Actually, I don't remember ever putting in much effort to find a date before I got married....and when I started dating my husband, we were already good friends so it actually was just a gradual growth of a relationship that already existed. So no, surprisingly enough, I do believe that God is capable of putting the right people in your life when it is the right time without signing on to a online dating site or polling the room to see which men are single.

Sure he is. That doesn't mean it's going to happen like that again. In fact, for most, FYI usually it does not.

"God helps those who help themselves" is true. You didn't answer why that is "ungodly" in any way. He's not going to do everything for you. The less effort you make, the less likely it is to happen; it's really that simple. You need to make whatever effort is necessary. Maybe his plan is for you to make a lot more this time.

It sounds like you are saying my only options are to go out and try to find men to date....or be miserable.

No, you can sit there and pray God basically plops a man into your lap if you want, requiring little to no effort on your part. And who knows? Maybe that will happen. Of course, your odds are considerably smaller doing that vs making the effort to find someone, and the more effort you make, the more your odds improve. But there are of course no guarantees and it's all certainly up to you. I just suggest you consider these things, i.e. look at the situation with both eyes open, unpleasant though that may be.

I guess you live in a sheltered world that doesn't realize how much of the working world really does work on night shift

Not sure why you felt the need to throw a nasty remark in there, but FYI this isn't about the entire "working world" or night shift people (etc); that's irrelevant to the matter at hand. And I have already mentioned how I realized you worked nights, which I realize makes this a lot harder.

Never mind about my original question. I will just figure out by myself. The only solution people want to offer is for me to go out and date the pleather of men that aren't really out there wanting to meet me. Somehow my loneliness is so obviously my fault and something that is easily solved if I would just put some effort in.

And none of that is what I said at all either. There are many men out there of all kinds and circumstances looking for someone and they aren't all scumbags, to say the least. But you seem to be running into mostly those, unfortunately, and it seems to have made you extremely jaded and cynical about men in general. Understandable and unfortunate, but no reason to give up, IMO. It is not likely to be "easily solved" with some effort. And it's certainly understandable if you find the whole thing formidable/distasteful, fraught with potential pitalls, etc. It is. But you should also consider how formidable/distasteful, fraught with potential pitalls, etc resigning yourself to never having someone in your life is as well.

But anyway.....since you say you're not interested in anyone's thoughts on this unless they have the answer you want (whatever that is), I take leave of this thread; excuse me for trying to give you something to think about and point out the realities of the situation, again even though some are admittedly unpleasant to hear. There is much potential good to be had along with those potential pitfalls, and thought just maybe you might consider it's worth the effort. I realize that may be hard as you seem to have run into mostly jerks and experienced just the bad part, but there are good worthwhile men out there that are worth meeting. If nothing else, could it hurt you to (for example) browse a dating site or 2 and try to get a feel for the possibilities?

But as I said before and say now for the last time, if you don't feel it's worth the risk or the effort, maybe you're right; maybe it's not. Being single isn't a prison sentence. Some manage to do well and live happy lives that way.

But how you approach it is your choice, as it always was and will be.

I hope you find peace, whatever decisions you make.

 

[blackribbon]

No where is Jesus' message is it about finding your own way...doing it on your own...That is what "God helps those that help themselves" is about. Jesus has called us to put our desires below His and focus on serving Him. Our happiness should be in Him. If we do this, He will provide for us ... often in ways we could never have imagined but are so much better than our limited desires. We are to trust and lean on him....not pick our own path and expect God to follow behind us picking up the pieces when we make mistakes.

As for the guy I went out with...he wasn't a loser. He was a nice guy who did have a lot going for him and even planned to volunteer his time using his new degree to help with urban blight. He felt happy where he was financially. He just wasn't relationship material and many men who are single in their older ages are better (and happier) at being single.

 

[GregJ222]

Then you were (very) lucky...and frankly it's unrealistic to expect that again, for a variety of reasons. It's really quite simple: If you want someone special in your life, you'll have to make the effort to make that happen. I appreciate that you work hard and during off hours so that makes it harder, but if your desire to have someone in your life (and if things go well, to get married) is strong enough, it's worth the effort.

If you're firm that you aren't about to even try to find someone, then the only other answer is to accept the longing and loneliness as part of the rest of your life and find other ways to mitigate that. The obvious thing of family time aside, other stuff that can help a lot would be getting together with friends, community activities etc. I suggest checking out meetup.com, which IS NOT a dating/matching site at all, but rather a way for people in your local area to get together socially for a wide variety of interests. It's a total no pressure thing, typically costs little if anything, and is a great way to meet people, get out of the house, and make friends...and who knows, maybe meet someone to be more than that.

Good grief, no. This is not the 70s. I would start here: 8 Best Christian Dating Sites Of 2019 | Christian Dating Site Reviews I haven't used any of these myself, but know some who have, including one who found his future wife on one. Numerous others have as well. FYI these have come a long way since they initially got going way back when the internet was in its infancy.

You might consider that it is not "God's will" for you to be alone for the rest of your life. Maybe it's His will that you try to find someone. But ultimately that is up to you.

Amen. Glad you're smart enough to ignore the silly stereotypes and cliches.


But the odds of a man just "falling into your life" are extremely small, as you're finding out.

Again, maybe you aren't "supposed to" be satisfied with being alone; God gave us a mind and free will, after all, so I think it's up to us as to what we do or don't do to try and change (or not change) our lives. I see that you have great demands on your time etc, but isn't the potential payoff worth the effort?

That's something only you can decide. I guess my point is you have options, difficult though they may be. No one - including God - is forcing you to just accept things as they are.

ah hah, you HAVE tried So it sounds like you are willing to make an effort, but it's fear of failure of that effort that's holding you back maybe? Understandable. That's a powerful fear for anyone interested in a relationship. But if it doesn't work out, you're just back where you started ie being alone, no worse off....while if you don't try at all, you KNOW you'll be alone. Not working out so far doesn't mean it will be that way in the future.

I know this is all easier said than done to say the least, just my .02. I regret if anything I said rubbed you the wrong way....and above all, I'm very sorry for your loss. For everyone's loss here, in fact.

I know this is an old thread, but there are some things in your post that really struck a cord with me!

Especially the whole fear of failure thing...that is me to a T.

Just wanted to say thank you for posting this, even though it was like 3 years ago and you may not still be around.

 

[Natto]

I think I can echo with you since most of my colleague are construction workers, it's all male-dominated environment with a few female around. Those skillful workers are like my masters, colleagues, and friends. My job was to supervise construction sites and execute company's project, my daily life is just hang out with them with sketchy draft. sometimes, i have to save company's money by pushing them to the limits. Sometimes I also meditate that if God had forgotten about me, and how I should be able to search for my partner within this sphere.