What do I do?

[forhim2005]

Hello,

I am new and am married to a minister for 6 years.
These 6 years have been quite trying because he has lied to me continually about giving me a venereal disease, porn, going out and trying to meet new people while we are going thru trials, and most recently taking money out of our account in small increments when were contemplating divorce.

I feel that these acts of sin are deceitful.

We most recently decided to not divorce and work on my marriage. He proceeded to call me and confess that he had been withdrawing money in small increments to make sure he had someplace to stay should he have to move on a whim. I questioned him about what kind of person does he think I am. I asked him did he think I would just steal the money and not give him any. He said no and I did not call you for this. I asked, well what about how this makes me feel. I advised that I feel that I cannot trust him because it has been one thing after another for the past 6 years with him. He has constantly deceived me.

Quite honestly, I am quite hurt right now and really do not know how to proceed. I do not understand how someone can just invalidate my feelings.

 

[isaiah5213]

i am kind of insecure about being the first person to respond to this, but i think your questions and post really need a response. don't be insecure at the lack of responses.. most likely numerous people have read this post, and are praying for the right words to say, write, to jump out at them in the scriptures...

is your husband the only minister in his church? does he have other ministers?? you have to make copies of the proof. you have to copy and paste on your pc, the sites he is going to. you have to take your doctor reports to the minister, and show them the vd papers. you have to show all paperwork you can. because he is a minister, it is very easy for me to really be furious--but you don't need that from me. you are his wife. this hurts you tremendously. you have made the decision to stay w/him thru thick and thin.

frankly, i tell you, you are better woman than i am. hugely better. his fear that he would have to grab the money and run really indicates that he is not ready to give up his sins. he has such huge worldly sorrow--worried about the consequences of getting caught. his fear is showing no remorse for the damage he is doing not just to you, to the church, to these unknown women, and to any and everyone who sees him and talks to him on these internet sites.

pray for wisdom and knowledge. and the courage and strength to do what you hear God needs you to do. there may be a lot of fear in doing what God is telling you to do. but ultimately, our job is to do whatever it takes to keep our husbands out of the fire. if your husband fights you, and wants the fire, then you have to let him go and save yourself, so he doesn't pull you in.

NO. THIS IS NOT A DIVORCE HIM STATEMENT. especially if you have children. do you, by the way?? that is important...

i know i will be praying for you to get wisdom, knowledge, courage, & strength. i will be praying that God take his heart and totally smash it, so he can give him a new, pure, true heart. one that sings when God taps it w/the rod. (a revelation 2 scripture...)

 

[forhim2005]

Thank you for your response.

No, we do not have children. He is just a minister in our church not a pastor.

The porn is over and done with. He does not do that anymore.
The meeting people online is over and done with.
He basically only set up a profile.

We have been to counseling with our pastor and other pastors.
We have even talked to marriage counselors.

The thing that gets me is once we get over one hump, it is another lie.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

What kind of a minister is this guy?

 

[forhim2005]

He is just a regular minister in our church. He teaches Sunday school and preaches from time to time.

 

[Yitzchak]

It sounds as if your instincts are correct to not fully trust yet. Your husband sounds like he is still having trouble facing things fully.Obviously there are some more issues to work through. Try to stay positive. As badly as you would like to have all these problems behind you, it sounds as if you will have to work through a bunch of difficult stuff before it gets solved. If you are both going to counseling, there is a good chance that things will be dealt with and become more clear.

 

[suzybeezy]

My advice would be to live your own life pure and faithfully before God. Through your example, your husband may find conviction for his actions.

 

[Shok]

most recently taking money out of our account in small increments when were contemplating divorce

I think isaiah5213 is on to something about "grab the money and run". If this was the case he's saving it somewhere. So where is the money now? If its gone what did he spend it on??

I don't want to sound like I'm making an issue about money. Its just that everything needs to be out in the open for you two to save your marriage and this sounds fishy to me.

Shok

 

[isaiah5213]

Thank you for your response.

No, we do not have children. He is just a minister in our church not a pastor.

The porn is over and done with. He does not do that anymore.
The meeting people online is over and done with.
He basically only set up a profile.

We have been to counseling with our pastor and other pastors.
We have even talked to marriage counselors.

The thing that gets me is once we get over one hump, it is another lie.

that is awesome! that he doesn't do those things anymore!!! that puts another light into the whole thing! if he sees you still hurt, still angry, and still bitter, then his fear is mainly of how much he can stand to live w/your pain! and sometimes, tho we try hard not to, especially us women, we still are bitter. we still are resentful. when our trust has been betrayed over and over and over again, then that damage seems never to be repaired.

many people can't say that their spouse "used to" and that "he/she doesn't do it anymore". that is a hugely good thing, a giant victory for you! amen!

i am reading here, that all of this stuff didn't happen at one time. it happened one at a time, over the past 6 years.. is that correct?? have you been to the "---anon" part of sexual addict anonymous classes.. (brain lapse here.. like there is alanon for alcoholics anonymous) ??

they could be a great support group for you. also, finding bible studies in your area. immersing yourself in the scriptures, and praying everynight a scripture for you and your husband. example:

psalms 51:10-12

create in me a pure heart, o God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

or when praying for your husband:

create in my husband a pure heart.. and renew a steadfast spirit w/in him. do not cast him from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from him. Restore to him the joy of your salvation and grant him a willing spirit to sustain him from impurity. impurity of his addictions, and impurity of his lies.

or 1 peter 1:22
i pray that my husband is purified by obeying the truth so that i may have sincere love for my husband--love that is deeply, from the heart.

and gal 5:16-18, 25

dear God, teach my husband to live by the Spirit. we both know that you do not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. we know the sinful nature is contrary to the Spirit. and the Spirit contrary to sinful nature. We see, dear Go, how in our lives, they are in conflict w/each other, so that we do not do what we want. Please, God, lead my husband by the Spirit, not by law, nor sinful nature. .. please God, keep my husband in step w/the Spirit.

again, these are just examples. i really hope this helps. i know i have prayed and will continue to pray these prayers for the both of you. i especially pray that God keep any and all bitterness from you--and not because i think you have it, but because i would if i were in the skin of your shoes... good luck!

 

[GirlieGirl]

If you're going to work on the marriage, then really commit to it. No wobbling back and forth. If you decide to move forward, you will need to forgive for the past hurts or else they will always be stumbling blocks. That's going to be really hard to do because you are justified in your hurt. But that doesn't change the fact that you must forgive if you're really going to make this work.

 

[bliz]

How long has the porn and the meeting people been in the past? Forgive me for being a cynic, but there are a whole lot of people out there who quit smoking... for a week.

It is quite easy for people to invalidate the feelings of others when they believe that only their feelings matter.

Are you still in counseling? Is it with someone who is trained in psychology? No disrespect to them, but you need someone with more training than a marriage and family counselor receives. I think you may find that your husband has major psychological problems that require major help.

 

[~RENEE~]

I agree with Isaiah 5213 on this. But let me add something that I advised a friend to do it really made her husband think. Open your own bank account seperate from him. Keep some of your money together but have something seperate for you to fall back on if needed. If you want to tell him about your money tell him after you open it but do not put his name on it.

 

[Yitzchak]

How long has the porn and the meeting people been in the past? Forgive me for being a cynic, but there are a whole lot of people out there who quit smoking... for a week.

It is quite easy for people to invalidate the feelings of others when they believe that only their feelings matter.

Are you still in counseling? Is it with someone who is trained in psychology? No disrespect to them, but you need someone with more training than a marriage and family counselor receives. I think you may find that your husband has major psychological problems that require major help.

Like the alcoholic who said " I've quit drinking 20,000 times.." I think that the main point here is that your husband could benefit from some kind of real accountability. Trust has been damaged and some sort of accountability is in order.

 

[heartnsoul]

I agree with all the advice given here. Given what you described, I think both of you need to go to some sort of marriage counselor. Trust is the foundation for any relationship and once that is violated, it is very difficult to rebuild again. Not saying it can't be done, but it will require God's intervention, time, patience and lots of "work" for both you & your husband to build. You mentioned that every time you get over one lie, he comes up with another lie. That is not good. How does he expect you to ever trust him if he keeps turning over lies upon lies? Lying is a serious problem and it is very destructive to a marriage and ANY relationship for that matter. Also, him giving you a venerial disease is deplorable behavior!

He needs counseling to work on his lying and issues, and *you* need counseling to heal from all the hurt, lying, porn, stealing and self-esteem problems that have resulted from your dysfunctional marriage. It will be a long road ahead of you if you decide to stay in this marriage. Your husband will need to truly repent and turn from his negative behaviors in order for your marriage to even begin healing. It's noble of you to want to stay and work things out, but quite frankly--since there are no children in your marriage, I think it would be best for you to temporarily separate from your husband so you can work on your own issues and strengthen your walk with God. At the same time, this space will also give your husband some time to draw closer to God and think about the consequences of his behaviors. I just think with everything that has happened, both of you need some space and quiet time alone--alone to clear your minds and think objectively about everything.

I pray that your husband truly repents, seeks counseling and renews his relationship with God. I pray that you seek counseling also to understand his issues as well as your own issues so that you can learn what is a healthy, loving relationship versus an unhealthy, destructive one. If you decide to stay with your husband, may God give you patience and comfort as you both partake in a long road to recovery to restore your marriage. God bless.