What did I do? (Very long and complicated read)

[JI4M]

1. A year and a half ago, I received a horrific cranial nerve injury that damaged my nerves that left me in excruciating pain that gave me CRPS. I couldn't function, speak, eat, I was in agonizing brutal pain every day, constant non-stop. It was a nightmare of nightmares that reeked havoc on me and my family. 2. After about 3 months somehow, I don't know if you would call it a miracle or what you would call it, the pain moved to a part of my body that was a lot more tolerable. The pain was still terrible, but I could at least function with the pain in this part of my body. The pain has been there every day since then for the last 14 months at a "tolerable" level. I have to tell you, luck DOES not happen to people with nerve injuries like me. This was truly a miracle from God. Anyone with CRPS or any other horrific neuralgias would have given anything to receive this gift. Again, I still suffered in pain every day, but nothing like before.

But..... I did something so terrible to messed that all up 14 months later. I took a HUGE risk knowing it can reset my initial horrific pain symptoms and put me back into pain hell with no chance of getting out.

Let me back track, during the beginning of my horrific injury, I accidentally discovered that one of my habits (its called deep ear picking, I compulsively pick deep inside my ears) that I have had for 30 years magnified the pain worse if that was even possible and when it magnified the pain NOTHING took it away.

To make a long story very short, as I said, through strife and hell, the pain moved to a tolerable place on my body I was able to handle. That literally SAVED my life.

The problem I had is that I did NOT know how hard it was going to be to break that habit that I discovered triggered my pain and made it worse and could bring all of it back with a snap of a finger. I did it for 30 years (since I was 11 years old) to cope with all the abuse I endured in my past I think. It was definitely a stress reliever. Every day was a huge struggle to stop that habit. But I managed not to do the habit, I managed every day, white knuckling it not to do it for a year and half. It was so hard. Worse than quitting drugs or alcohol I would assume. Thinking about that habit consumed me every minute of every day. I had no idea how addicted I was to it. I did it all the time for 30 years.

But one day, I just gave in. The first time I did it, I didn't bring the pain, but the second time, it brought the pain back to area of my most feared spot and now has massively spread, hasn't left since just has gotten worse and worse. I am completed devastated. I put all this stress back onto my family by doing this, put myself back into this hell and all for what? I KNEW this was a HUGE risk when I did it and I STILL did it. I knew while I was doing it, what I was risking! I don't know why I did it!!! What kind of person am I?????? Why would I risk being back in 24/7 horrific pain, and it keeps getting so much worse, missing my family and all their special moments, putting them under stress again? Why would I do this????? I am a mother!!! What type of mother would do this?????? There is something seriously and deeply wrong with me!!!!!! I know the pain won't move again because it was only by a miracle that it ever did the first time! It's been 9 weeks going on 10 weeks. This type of pain just doesn't leave! It's NERVE DAMAGE. I am now suffering almost full body. It's really, really bad and that is an understatement. I'm not asking for prayers or sympathy, because I DONT deserved to be rescued this time! I'm asking why would I do this???? WHY????? I took God's miracle and I spit on it and that is a horrific thing to do. God please show me mercy.

 

[com7fy8]

I did it for 30 years (since I was 11 years old) to cope with all the abuse I endured in my past I think. It was definitely a stress reliever. Every day was a huge struggle to stop that habit.

Jesus is our way to stress relief.

"'Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:28-29)

Jesus has hope for you. And Jesus wants us to love you and pray for you; I think this means God wants us to have hope for you so we pray for you > love "hopes all things" > in 1 Corinthians 13:7.

So, right now, I would say, you need to leave behind your past and simply trust God to be our Good Judge to decide what it is right for Him to do with you. Never mind how you are able to judge, but trust God.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Php 3:13-14 Brothers, it is clear to me that I have not come to that knowledge; but one thing I do, letting go those things which are past, and stretching out to the things which are before, I go forward to the mark, even the reward of the high purpose of God in Christ Jesus.

Even the apostle Paul said he was not perfect, but he pressed forward, forgetting what was behind him. You may or may not believe that people can ask God for stuff, but I asked God for a verse directly for you, and the above is what he gave me. I believe God is asking you to let go of the past mistake and move forward, knowing He has a love for you that is greater than any mistake you can make.

 

[JI4M]

Jesus is our way to stress relief.

"'Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:28-29)

Jesus has hope for you. And Jesus wants us to love you and pray for you; I think this means God wants us to have hope for you so we pray for you > love "hopes all things" > in 1 Corinthians 13:7.

So, right now, I would say, you need to leave behind your past and simply trust God to be our Good Judge to decide what it is right for Him to do with you. Never mind how you are able to judge, but trust God.

Thank you

 

[JI4M]

Php 3:13-14 Brothers, it is clear to me that I have not come to that knowledge; but one thing I do, letting go those things which are past, and stretching out to the things which are before, I go forward to the mark, even the reward of the high purpose of God in Christ Jesus.

Even the apostle Paul said he was not perfect, but he pressed forward, forgetting what was behind him. You may or may not believe that people can ask God for stuff, but I asked God for a verse directly for you, and the above is what he gave me. I believe God is asking you to let go of the past mistake and move forward, knowing He has a love for you that is greater than any mistake you can make.

Thank you so much

 

[sandman]

"Deserves" have nothing to do with it ...... none of us deserve to be saved, and yet…. here we are....because of Jesus Christ.

So, here we are ...saved from the wrath to come, saved from our sin nature...we've been Sanctified, Justified, Redeemed, and made Righteous. And yet sometimes we stumble and fall, we screw up, we sin... however we have an advocate with the Father …who casts our transgressions as far as the east is from the west… The stumbling block is YOU………. you must forgive yourself ...that is the biggest challenge.

It is not always easy …you replay it in your head over and over….and wonder how you could have done that. That is the past …and as simple as it sounds ….you cant change the past, but you can alter your future by changing what you’re thinking. By putting on the word and realizing that complete healing is available …not through condemnation, but through acceptance of what has been done for you through Jesus Christ “by his stripes we were healed”

God does not want you living in condemnation, that is a sin unto itself….And He definitely wants you in perfect health. You have to control your thinking according to the written Word …you don’t focus on the sin, you focus on the Son.

 

[turkle]

What value do you see in asking a bunch of strangers on the internet why you did something? And, if you got the answer, what value would that have?

From your description, you have an addictive compulsion. It is not unusual for people, in a moment of weakness, to give in to a momentary temptation without regard for the consequences. I would guess that most people have done it in one form or another. I know I have.

I agree with others, "deserve" is an irrelevant term. The Lord allows us to live with the consequences of our own poor choices, but He also is the giver of grace. You should absolutely accept the prayers of others. Stop beating yourself up over something in the past and turn to the One who heals and strengthens, giving thanks for the fact that He loves and cares for us despite our weaknesses and failures.

 

[JI4M]

thank you,

What value do you see in asking a bunch of strangers on the internet why you did something? And, if you got the answer, what value would that have?

From your description, you have an addictive compulsion. It is not unusual for people, in a moment of weakness, to give in to a momentary temptation without regard for the consequences. I would guess that most people have done it in one form or another. I know I have.

I agree with others, "deserve" is an irrelevant term. The Lord allows us to live with the consequences of our own poor choices, but He also is the giver of grace. You should absolutely accept the prayers of others. Stop beating yourself up over something in the past and turn to the One who heals and strengthens, giving thanks for the fact that He loves and cares for us despite our weaknesses and failures.

thank you , the past doesn't seem that far away when it was 2 months ago