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What causes them?
- Thread starter throwingbones
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Deamiter
I just follow Christ.
I did exactly the same thing to a girl about a year and a half ago. Actually the situation is scarily similar. I too felt MUCH better for a few months, and I found a really nice girl I liked, and I started going out with her... and then I crashed and I had to leave her because I couldn't bear to hurt her like that.
What causes the attacks is purely physical. Truthfully, they often CAN be attacked mentally, and they can be beaten without drugs, but it's a very long process. Basically, something traumatic (like being molested) caused a real problem in her mind, and in trying to deal with it (but dealing with it badly) she slowly became worse until she is where she is now. Hmmm... that's not very clear is it? I guess the point here is that the problem isn't a current thing -- like dating you. I'm almost 100% certain that your relationship did not cause her recurring attacks.
When I did that, it was partially because I didn't want to hurt the girl I was dating because she was so innocent. However, it was also greatly because I couldn't trust. Part of anxiety is not being able to trust yourself much less anybody else. You get paranoid, and it comes out in things like refusing to be touched or helped to talked to or even seen. Honestly, when your ex girlfriend wouldn't let you get close, she needed touch more than anything else in the world. I know it's possible to break through that barrier, but it's also very easy to hurt somebody more if you try.
Not knowing either of you personally, there is no way I could tell you what to do now. However, I do know that it wasn't your fault. In my life, my failed relationship with the girl truly helped me. I learned about myself, about my anxiety, and I am better able to fight it now than before. I truly wish I never hurt her as I did -- more with uncertainty and confusion than anything else, but I do know for sure that there was nothing she could have done better, nor was there anything she did wrong to push ME away. I believe that it's true for you too. Anxiety is very confusing and very scary to live through. I feel truly sorry for you as I almost feel like it was me who hurt you, but I do think that even though it doesn't feel like it, you have helped her in ways you might never understand.
What causes the attacks is purely physical. Truthfully, they often CAN be attacked mentally, and they can be beaten without drugs, but it's a very long process. Basically, something traumatic (like being molested) caused a real problem in her mind, and in trying to deal with it (but dealing with it badly) she slowly became worse until she is where she is now. Hmmm... that's not very clear is it? I guess the point here is that the problem isn't a current thing -- like dating you. I'm almost 100% certain that your relationship did not cause her recurring attacks.
When I did that, it was partially because I didn't want to hurt the girl I was dating because she was so innocent. However, it was also greatly because I couldn't trust. Part of anxiety is not being able to trust yourself much less anybody else. You get paranoid, and it comes out in things like refusing to be touched or helped to talked to or even seen. Honestly, when your ex girlfriend wouldn't let you get close, she needed touch more than anything else in the world. I know it's possible to break through that barrier, but it's also very easy to hurt somebody more if you try.
Not knowing either of you personally, there is no way I could tell you what to do now. However, I do know that it wasn't your fault. In my life, my failed relationship with the girl truly helped me. I learned about myself, about my anxiety, and I am better able to fight it now than before. I truly wish I never hurt her as I did -- more with uncertainty and confusion than anything else, but I do know for sure that there was nothing she could have done better, nor was there anything she did wrong to push ME away. I believe that it's true for you too. Anxiety is very confusing and very scary to live through. I feel truly sorry for you as I almost feel like it was me who hurt you, but I do think that even though it doesn't feel like it, you have helped her in ways you might never understand.
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TheMainException
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Deamiter
I just follow Christ.
Oh of COURSE I've told her! We're even getting closer again (as friends this time) and even though I still often feel so horrible for hurting her, I am certain that in this case at least, we weren't meant to be together. I was lying about who I was when I was dating her. I liked the person I could be around her, but as with most lies, I couldn't keep it up and it made BOTH of us miserable. Anyway, honesty is always great, and I've never seen any harm come from honesty (given that it's not just covering up some ulterior motive of course).
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- Jun 29, 2004
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I know where she is at, um lemme try to help here. I was raped by my 16 year old bf when i was 15 and I ended that relationship after he beat me and such things. I was too afraid of the rape to tell many people, actually anyone, until 2 years later, and I started a relationship with someone, my angel, only 8 month after the rape. The man that I am with, Stephen, did not know anything about the rape and went in blindly, with me covering up all this. I told him within like 2 months, but by then I was about to have a nervous breakdown, which I did in 2002. He stayed by me and I struggled with anorexia but when i came through that, like 7 months into our relationship, I was a different person than who Stephen had met. I was always sad and quick to anger. Very self condemnatory and suicidal with a lot of what I know now to be panic attacks. Stephen refused to leave me, even when i tried to push him away, the pain that he has now is unbearable for me to see. He and I have been fighting for months now, last friday it was our 31 month anniversary but we are finally coming through and regaining what i lost through teh rape.
When I met STephen I thought that I could control myself around him, but I soon found he did things, even the smallest things, that the rapist did, and I would freak out. I tried to commit suicide at least 2 times and 1 I was hospitalized for an OD of some pills. I know you are really hurting because of her but I know from personal experience what she was thinking when she broke up with you. She probably did not want you to hurt and loved you but thought she was 'dirty' or something to that effect. I know that if I could go back and maek stephen leave, to make him not hurt, no matter what wouldve happened to me, I would. He is just not recovering from depression and such and I did this to him.
I can tell you this, let her know that you love her, and only let her know that you will stay with her no matter what, if you are really ready for that commitment. If you would like to talk to my bf online about his experiences PM me and I will give you his email address and his SN
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Bevlina
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Generally, there has been mental, or physical abuse to start with. Abuse so badly that the person finds it very hard to become close to another person because deep in their subconscious, they feel they are unworthy, useless, unwanted and afraid.
They live their lives with an element of mistrust Throwingbones. And, they are generally afraid they will hurt people who love them.
Your's is a tragic case Throwing. I believe this girl is going through breakdown.
Oddbeanie has given a remarkable post for you to study.
You see, when they go through breakdown, they are not sick, it's just that their body is playing tricks on them due to the stress they have been placed under.
They think things that seem real to them until the breakdown passes. Then, they can see things differently as they have more control over these tricks of mind.
She would know you love her, but, she may be afraid of herself hurting you. Then again, she may be afraid of you hurting her. And, this will pass. It takes time, but believe me, it does pass. But until it passes, she will continue to stay in this situation of inner fear she cannot bring to the surface. And she won't be able to bring it to the surface because she, herself, is not able to explain it.
You are in my prayers Throwingbones.
They live their lives with an element of mistrust Throwingbones. And, they are generally afraid they will hurt people who love them.
Your's is a tragic case Throwing. I believe this girl is going through breakdown.
Oddbeanie has given a remarkable post for you to study.
You see, when they go through breakdown, they are not sick, it's just that their body is playing tricks on them due to the stress they have been placed under.
They think things that seem real to them until the breakdown passes. Then, they can see things differently as they have more control over these tricks of mind.
She would know you love her, but, she may be afraid of herself hurting you. Then again, she may be afraid of you hurting her. And, this will pass. It takes time, but believe me, it does pass. But until it passes, she will continue to stay in this situation of inner fear she cannot bring to the surface. And she won't be able to bring it to the surface because she, herself, is not able to explain it.
You are in my prayers Throwingbones.
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Bevlina
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Has it been so long since she contacted you Throwing? The main thing is...she is still accepting your emails. She is holding onto you in her own way while she heals. Just let time pass. Things will turn out alright.
The reason you can't ket her go is because you are in love with her. And, it's a real, true love. Just give her time. Patience has it's own reward.
The reason you can't ket her go is because you are in love with her. And, it's a real, true love. Just give her time. Patience has it's own reward.
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Hi umm... I just recently was dumped by the girl I love... and honestly, it sounds very much like this poor fellows situation, only Athena never let on that anything had happened in her past... in fact she was always 'in a shell', never really opened up to me... even though we were best friends for a long while before falling in love... I wonder if perhaps she is going through all of that.
I am now just praying.. and hoping beond hope.. tha tGod will wake her up from whatever has happened... for I still believe that we were right for each other, i don't think God changes His mind. And if she isnt' the girl.. then that's all well and fine (albeit it's killing me)... becaue I know deep down that the right girl is out there, adn that as long as I stick with God, He will brign us together... and we'll have the very greatest relationship possible.
At least I keep teling myself that; I admit that it takes a little convincing.
Regarding Throwing's situation... Man, if you love that girl; if you beleie that God wnats you two together, then don't give up. ever. God can work absolutely any miracle, I mean, He can do anything... and He wnats the very best for each of us... so as logn as we just stick to Him above all else, He absolutely will make it work out, guarenteed. Nothing is too great a work for Him. Just remember that God knows what's best, and as long as He's #1 in yrou life, you WILL end up with the girl that will be PERFECT for you. He's cool like that ;-)
God is so awesome
Drew
I am now just praying.. and hoping beond hope.. tha tGod will wake her up from whatever has happened... for I still believe that we were right for each other, i don't think God changes His mind. And if she isnt' the girl.. then that's all well and fine (albeit it's killing me)... becaue I know deep down that the right girl is out there, adn that as long as I stick with God, He will brign us together... and we'll have the very greatest relationship possible.
At least I keep teling myself that; I admit that it takes a little convincing.
Regarding Throwing's situation... Man, if you love that girl; if you beleie that God wnats you two together, then don't give up. ever. God can work absolutely any miracle, I mean, He can do anything... and He wnats the very best for each of us... so as logn as we just stick to Him above all else, He absolutely will make it work out, guarenteed. Nothing is too great a work for Him. Just remember that God knows what's best, and as long as He's #1 in yrou life, you WILL end up with the girl that will be PERFECT for you. He's cool like that ;-)
God is so awesome
Drew
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