What can I do?

[DanPev]

Hi everyone!

My sister has anorexia, I'm not sure about about the technical names, but she's like really restricting food and stuff. She also has a really low self-esteem. Like the other day she got a 99 on her algebra test and she was super depressed cause she did't get a 100. And she doesn't think she will ever amount to anything.

I just don't know what I can do or say.

She did counseling for about 4 or 5 weeks, but she doesn't want to go and doesn't think she has a problem.

I guess I just want to know what I as an oder brother can do.

Thanks!

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Hey Dan . I think it's awesome that you care so much about your sister and learning about it can only help . Normally I'd say don't make fun of her or put her down, but you don't sound like that sort of person as it is.

If I'm allowed to ask, how long has this been going on? How old's your sister? I know you said that she doesn't believe she has a problem and sadly that's the case for so many people . Have you ever spoken to her about it though and told her that from your perspective it's hurting her? And that you don't want her to hurt herself .

I don't have an ED and I'm sure others will give you better advice, but I'm praying for you and your sister Dan and we're here to help as much as we can .

 

[Soulwings]

Dan, you don't know how encouraging your post was to me. It's on a sad topic ... but to see that you, as an older brother, care so much about your sister and what's going on with her - that is so very encouraging.

Those are good questions that Steffi asked. How long has she been restricting? Do her/your parents know? How much is she restricting food? Like, is she eating one meal a day or less or more? Does your family generally eat together? Do you eat mostly healthy food or is there a lot of junk food around? And what type of build does your sis have? I mean, could this all have begun because of a mean comment on her weight? Have there been a lot/any disruptive things happening in her life? (like a breakup, or your family moving, etc.)

Sorry for all the questions. And know that I'm not going to judge you based on any of the answers you give - nor is anyone else here.

I think the only thing that you can really do, until she is ready to get help, is be there for her. Let her know that you are concerned about what she has been doing. And maybe if you can do this without it being too obvious (I'm not sure if that's possible) let her know what it's going to do to her body.

If she ever wants to talk to someone about this, then know that I'm here. Just PM me for my email address. Sometimes it's easier to vent about eating disordered problems to someone that you can't see and won't probably ever meet. I've been through the whole deal of restricting, losing tons of weight, going into "recovery", "relapsing", and then going into treatment. I've just got out two months ago after spending 10 weeks doing intensive treatment at a clinic nearby. So I'm pretty comfortable with talking about EDs and know a relatively good amount about what they do to your body.

I hope this helps some. God bless.

 

[DanPev]

If I'm allowed to ask, how long has this been going on? How old's your sister? I know you said that she doesn't believe she has a problem and sadly that's the case for so many people . Have you ever spoken to her about it though and told her that from your perspective it's hurting her? And that you don't want her to hurt herself .

It is going to be two years this march since this started. But at first it seemed that she was only trying to be healthy, like no eating ice cream, and doing more exercise. Then it got progressively worse, now she's barely eating a meal a day .

She is 16, a year and a half younger than me, so our relationship is not really older brother with younger sister, more like pretty good friends.

yeah, my mom knows and is really concerned. Cause on one hand she read this book by a psychologist or someone that said that we shouldn't force or actively encourage her to eat, but on the other hand, she could get really ill. Well she already gets headaches almost everyday. So my mom is trying to get her to go to counseling and see if that will help.

I havent talked with her seriously yet, I've made a few comments and stuff though. And whenever my mom or I say something she'll listen and say something like "yeah, I know." Our family usually tries to eat together but recently she'll say she's busy with school or doesn't have time to eat.

And Soulwing, there have been a few disruptive things. My mom and dad got divorced when I was ten or so. It didn't have an effect on me that I know of but it mustve had an effect on her.

Basically she doesn't want to talk about it. But like my mom said, she has some deep emotional issues that need to be resolved before the food thing is fixed.

Thanks for your prayers and advice! Definitely needed.

 

[bumblebee62331]

Unfortunately that is often how these things start - trying to eat heathily. She sees the results and wants it more and more, and finds it hard to stop. It's great that she has support! You sound like a really caring, loving brother, she is very lucky to have you!

Encourage her to go back to counselling. She might be angry, because you and your mum are stopping her from achieving her weight-loss, but it really is needed. She needs help, before it gets worse. She doesn't want to talk about it - she wants to avoid talking about it because she doesn't want you or your mum to fix her. I know the feeling well.

You can't just "fix" an eating disorder. Your mum is right when she says your sister has some deep emotional issues that need to be resolved first. Because if you manage to get her to put on weight so from a physical stand-point she looks "fixed", if those emotional issues that caused it in the first place are still there, then she will never fully be healed. You need to fix the root of the problem - the cause of it all. Weight loss is simply a symptom of a much deeper problem. She will only be able to heal if she talks to someone who is trained to help figure out the underlying problem and fix it, or at least help her to deal with it.

She needs to go to a counsellor and possibly a doctor, who can refer her to a nutritionist to help with the food issue. The counsellor will help with the cause of her problems. I'd suggest your mum go with her - for support but also to show that she is going to help your sister and that your mum is in control of the situation - not your sister. If that makes sense.

Let us know how it goes.

Prayers definitely being offered up for you, your sister and your mum!

 

[DanPev]

Encourage her to go back to counselling. She might be angry, because you and your mum are stopping her from achieving her weight-loss, but it really is needed. She needs help, before it gets worse. She doesn't want to talk about it - she wants to avoid talking about it because she doesn't want you or your mum to fix her. I know the feeling well.

You can't just "fix" an eating disorder. Your mum is right when she says your sister has some deep emotional issues that need to be resolved first. Because if you manage to get her to put on weight so from a physical stand-point she looks "fixed", if those emotional issues that caused it in the first place are still there, then she will never fully be healed. You need to fix the root of the problem - the cause of it all. Weight loss is simply a symptom of a much deeper problem. She will only be able to heal if she talks to someone who is trained to help figure out the underlying problem and fix it, or at least help her to deal with it.

She needs to go to a counsellor and possibly a doctor, who can refer her to a nutritionist to help with the food issue. The counsellor will help with the cause of her problems. I'd suggest your mum go with her - for support but also to show that she is going to help your sister and that your mum is in control of the situation - not your sister. If that makes sense.

Prayers definitely being offered up for you, your sister and your mum!

Yeah, my mom always goes with her, not always in the room, but always with her. The first person she went to was a doctor, then a dietician (is that the same thing as a nutritionist?), and now the counselor.

I know it is not something fixable, per say, but I don't know how else to put it.

Well, we'll see. She hasn't gone with the counselor for several weeks, cause we've be so busy but hopefully it wont be long before she starts up again.

Just one more question, does it matter what gender the couselor is?

My mum really wanted a woman counselor but ended up with this guy. He's really good, according to her. I just want to know if you think it matters.

Thanks a lot, really appreciate this!

 

[bumblebee62331]

Hi DanPev,

I don't think the gender matters but it depends on your sister. Get your mum to ask her if she feels okay with the guy - I know I'd be more nervous talking to a man than a woman, but this might not be an issue for your sister. I'm sure a man can help her just as much as a woman - it's just a question of how your sister feels (although she might feel nervous because of the fact that she's talking about it, whether she has a man or woman, if that makes sense).

 

[beckybooiloveu]

I would love so so sooo much to give you a long reply with lots and lots of advice and wisdom in it... But I think what I would end up saying would just be the same things as what has already been said (and I know it gets annoying being told the same things over and over again)

I dont know if you have been asked this yet. But does your sister think she is fat? or do you think her anorexia isn't really weight related but more control?

sorry if you have already anwsered that or if it is a silly Question, I was just wondering.

All I can say is just stay close to her as a friend, be there for her. When she is ready, I think she will talk to you about it.

Know that I am praying for you, your sister and your family through this and I hope you find a way to help her!
Love Bec

 

[DanPev]

Yeah, she thinks that she is fat when she is really underweight.

I think that she feels as okay as it is possible to be talking about your most personal matters to a stranger, at least she hasn't said anything to my mom about being uncomfortable with the guy.

Anyways, we'll see what happens. Thanks for your encouraging comments!

 

[Soulwings]

Best of luck, Dan. I'll be praying for both you and her and your family. It's hard having someone with an ED in a family, because you never really know what you can do. And much of the time there isn't anything that you can actively do, and that hurts.

A dietician is basically the same thing as a nutritionist. And they can be quite helpful - I'm seeing a nutritionist now, and he's helped me get back on track with eating healthily (amounts of food and all that).

As for the counselor, it's personal preference. If she's uncomfortable with a guy, she should let your mum know. But as long as she's comfortable, it'll be easier to talk about the emotional issues. 'Cause like Kate (Misscaffeiney) said, if you "fix" the outside and the body so metabolism and all is working correctly, you still haven't "fixed" the mental part, and often the mental problems are larger than the physical ones. I hope that makes sense.

 

[DanPev]

I know, you feel so helpless when theres nothing you can do. But I think that she's starting to realize the effect that it is having on her body. Thanks for all your guy's prayers! See ya round.

 

[bumblebee62331]

hey DanPev, how is your sister going?

 

[DanPev]

Well, the other day we talked and I told her that we don't want her to get hurt and stuff. And she said "I know, but I'm far from getting hurt or sick, so you guys don't need to worry."

But she's getting more and more involved in volunteer and school projects, busier and busier, and cutting more and more food from her diet. I know that she needs to go to the counselor but with all the things she has to do there's barely any time!

I'll be leaving the 17th for a couple of months to stay with my grandfather with not much of a chance of being online. But I'll try and keep you updated.

I don't post much or at all here in the ED forum because it's kind of for people who have one, and since I don't have one I don't feel that I can contribute anything, or say anything that can help. But I really appreciate your guys' encouragement, and I pray for all of you.

 

[bumblebee62331]

DanPev, this forum is not only for people who suffer from an eating disorder, but for the family and friends of those who suffer, who might want advice, support or help. You are more than welcome to post in this forum.

I hope you have a nice break with your grandfather. You will be leaving on my birthday! (17th)

Your mother needs to make sure your sister goes to the counsellor. There is always time to look after someone's health. That cannot be allowed to be pushed to the back of her mind. We all know the story about keeping busy to avoid confrontation or doctors or counsellors.

 

[DanPev]

Cool! Your birthday is the 17th? Mines the 20th.

I know, hopefully after the holidays things will slow down a bit and she'll be able to continue couseling. There is pretty much no way that she can do it before then. Unfortunately.

 

[BrokenForHim]

I'll be praying

 

[DanPev]

Hey every one!

Just want to ask for your prayers especially for this week. Stuff is happening, and God is leading!

Gotta go but thanks everybody. Like I said before I wont be on much but probably in a couple weeks I'll return back home.

Bye!

 

[bumblebee62331]

Hi DanPev
Glad things are happening.
Let us know how everyone is going when you have some time.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

I'm still praying Dan .

 

[DanPev]

Well my sister is staying for a couple of days at a behavioral medicine center. It all happened very suddenly, she went to a doctors appointment, he recommended it, and there you go. The specialists or doctors or whatever are going to try to help her realize that she has a problem. Thats what I think is the good news, 'cause she doesn't listen to anybody else. Hopefully these trained people will be able to do something that none of the people that care for her can.

All the other news is bad. The main reason shes at this place is "major depression with intent of harm."

This is so messed up. She is deppressed, angry, confused, all that and there is NOTHING that I can do.

Anyways, thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I just hope that in the next few days everything will start getting better.