What can I do?

[proudfather]

I am frustrated with my wife!

Example: This morning, we got a call from my best friends 'girl-friend to be' (they like each other a lot but aren't dating yet)

Anyway, she was talking to me for about 5 minutes asking me questions about my best friend (whom i've known since I was 4) because she was planning his surprise golden birthday party. I answered her questions about my friend and ended the call.

My wife was then angry at me for a long time because i was talking to another woman on the phone. My wife knows this person from church and enjoys hanging out with her sometimes.

My Wife was trying to get me to appoligize for hurting her by talking to another woman on the phone because I am married and it is inappropriate behavior for a married man to do that.

I also have a job as a computer technician. As part of my job, I visit people to repair their computers. If I ever visit a female, I always am sure to be appropraite by making sure doors stay open, ect. but my wife constantly gets upset at me if i fix any womans computer if she is under 40 years old.

And lastly, any time we watch tv/movies, if a female comes on the screen wearing anything remotly tight or with any skin showing what-so-ever, if i don't look away instantly, make a comment on how much that discusts me, and appolgize for seeing it even for a second, then a huge argument will occur.

I am sick of this and of her constant accusations. I have never cheated on her before (and never would) and have never given her any reason to distrust me so much.

I know why she distrusts men though, she was nearly raped (she was able to get away) and every boyfriend she had before me cheated on her. We have been together 4 years, and married about 1 and a half years. I keep trying to be understanding of her past but I am getting less and less compassionate about her past the longer this goes on.

What have I done so far? I read the 'power of praying husband' and 'every womens desire' and try to be understanding, but i've been finding myself getting very bitter and angry at her because of how she treats me.

What more can I do!?

 

[E-beth]

It sounds to me like your wife has some major insecurity issues. It isn't because of you necessarily, but because she was wounded in her past relationships. My first marriage was abusive and he cheated on me, and that affected me in teh early days of this marriage. Whenever he said a woman on TV was pretty, I felt like he was saying "she is pretty...and you are not." When he was late coming home from work, my head had him being with another woman.

All I can suggest is going out of your way to build up her confidence, and trying to get her to tell you where her mistrust is coming from. And maybe getting some solid Christian counselling.

 

[proudfather]

Whenever he said a woman on TV was pretty, I felt like he was saying "she is pretty...and you are not." When he was late coming home from work, my head had him being with another woman.

If I ever said another women was pretty, she would yell at me and cry until I appologize and take it back. If i'm late from work, i get questioned and she says she always thinks i'm with someone else.

We both know that it comes from her past, but i feel like i'm waiting for her to get better and we are putting our lives and marriage on hold. I just don't know that i can handle it any longer (even though I have no other choice)

I'm also worried about how our constant fighting and her mistrust in me is goin to effect our 1 year old daughter...

 

[bkg]

We both know that it comes from her past, but i feel like i'm waiting for her to get better and we are putting our lives and marriage on hold. I just don't know that i can handle it any longer (even though I have no other choice)

How can it be putting your marriage on hold? You are already married, are you not? So your marriage is not on hold. Perhaps "happiness" is on hold, but that (in my boisterous opinion) is irrelevant. Yes, I just said that.

First - you *CAN* handle it. God gives us nothing we cannot handle. Second, you do have another choice - you ALWAYS have another choice. But you have to choose wisely and Biblically. Making the Godly choice doesn't mean you didn't have another choice. I state that because not acknowledging that gives the impression of entrapment - which isn't the case.

I'm also worried about how our constant fighting and her mistrust in me is goin to effect our 1 year old daughter...

1 - stop the fighting.
2 - fix the trust issue.

I've read that woman's greatest need is security. Security in the relatinonship/marriage. I sucked at making my wife feel secure and loved. She knew I would never do anything with another woman that was inappropriate physically - but I don't think she would say the same thing emotionally. There were times when she felt I cared for other woman (good friends of both of ours) more than I cared for her - and she had ever right to feel that way because *I* did or said things that could have been interpreted as caring for them more than my wife.

For example - one of her best friends was having a very hard time in her marriage. She arrived alone to my wife's birthday party. Knowing she was feeling unloved and down on herself, I told her she looked very good, and if I were a single man, I would be flirting with her... I meant it as a compliment, and to her it was. The problem is that my wife heard me compliment her friend in a way I hadn't complimented my wife in a very long time. Was the compliment out of line? On face value, probably not... but in the context of my marriage and knowing (now) that my wife didn't feel that I believed (and professed) that she was (is) the most beautiful woman in the world... well... yeah.. it was way out of line.

I share this not to suggest that you have done similar - I don't even know you. I share it to ask if your wife has any reason to believe that if she were in a room of 1000 other woman, that she is not the most loved woman in that room... Does she know - does she believe - that she is more loved that 999 other woman in that room? If not - why? Could be insecurity taken to an unhealthy level... Or it could be because she doesn't feel secure in the relationship - i.e. you are doing (or not doing) something to make her feel like she is the most beautiful woman in the world in your eyes...

Does your relationship have a history of unfaithfulness (in even the most minor way)???? Does she have ANY reason to be jealous, worried or insecure?

blessings,
bkg

 

[E-beth]

My husband would never ever cheat on me. I know that in my heart. He is a very friendly guy where I am shy. He is compassionate to strangers where I keep to myself. But I misplace my own feelings on him, interpreting his movements and facial expressions to mean what I fear they do.

It really isn't fair. God bless my husband for keeping at it and breaking through the shell of mistrust and hurt. Now after three years of marriage, I can tease him about looking at the teenager in teh short skirt when he didn't think I saw him looking.

And proudfather....I was also very self-conscious in the first year or so after having a baby. My body didn't spring back, my time wasn't ever my own, and I was somebody's wife or mother and felt like I was nobody's love or princess.

 

[LegacyOfLove]

bkg - You make excellent points on here (and thank God...that it is coming from a man to another man)!

E-beth you also really make a very valid point about how past relationships can have a major impact (for years to come) on future relatinoships.

If I didn't know better, I could swear that proudfather could have been my husband posting here!! God knows we have gone round and round with eachother in a very similar fashion. I do have reasons for my insecurities...my ex-husband did a SERIOUS number on me....and over time I have become consciously mindful of that fact and try to control my knee-jerk reactions to certain things by reminding myself of what is REALLY behind my reactions and insecurities. But, the other side of it is (for me at least) that my husband HAS done some things (no, definately not cheating) that have also fed into my insecurities and BKG really touched on that area.

All women can be different in how they respond to certain things. But, anyone who's been put through the ringer and already has a huge wall built around her self-esteem that is filled with distrust, insecurity, worthlessness, etc....that is a personal mountain to have to climb up and over.

What I can advise you is to be very mindful of your wife's sensitivities. You love her and you want her to feel secure within your marriage. She needs your support and your reassurance. It will take her as long as it takes her to overcome her past pains. But, don't give up on her, please!!! No matter how frustrating it becomes, remember, she loves you and she's just working through her own issues. And....pray, pray, pray!! The more she can get into God's Word and start seeing herself the way that He sees her and she starts recognizing her value and worth...the less insecure she will be in all aspects of her life. So, I would suggest you encourage her in that way....and don't pull back your loving support, no matter how "frustrated" you feel. (And, God can help you to maintain the strength you need to continue being patiently loving with her while she heals and becomes renewed). I pray that helps some.

 

[bkg]

What I can advise you is to be very mindful of your wife's sensitivities.

Quoted - these are phenominal words... Great post.

 

[proudfather]

Does your relationship have a history of unfaithfulness (in even the most minor way)???? Does she have ANY reason to be jealous, worried or insecure?

When we first started 'dating', (we weren't exclusive yet, just kind of courting in a way for about 3 months), I had lunch with someone i hadn't seen in a long time (a girl i had no interest in other then friend). I later found out that that girl did like me though... when she found out about that, she accused me of cheating on her then!

I also told her that I had problems with pornography when i was 14, but that I have not done that since then (which I actually haven't ) . she still constantly brings that up to tell me that i'm just like every other guy.

As far as the 1000 women, I know she doesn't trust me and always thinks of the worst case senerio (she has even said that she does this so that reality doesn't hurt as much), but i don't feel that the above things are unforgivable sins. Anytime i compliment her or try to say something nice she responds with 'you just want something' or with something negitive about herself.

i know i haven't been the greatest husband lately. i just feel bitterness towards her for not wanting to trust me or get better for our marriage

 

[alaskamolly]

She sounds very much in bondage to fear. As her husband, I would excercise your spiritual authority and start praying for her (really praying, often and deeply). This is not a little issue that she is just going to decide to "get over" one day. This is deep stuff--going down to the core of who she thinks she is and how she thinks God is. She's accepted some lies and only God is going to break in through those walls and reveal to her the Truth.


My 2 Cents
(From a woman who's gone through some similar things and experienced freedom only when God came and shined His light in my darkness).
Molly

 

[Svt4Him]

Get some help. To build on this will lead to a lot of hurt in the future.

 

[heartnsoul]

She sounds very much in bondage to fear. As her husband, I would excercise your spiritual authority and start praying for her (really praying, often and deeply). This is not a little issue that she is just going to decide to "get over" one day. This is deep stuff--going down to the core of who she thinks she is and how she thinks God is. She's accepted some lies and only God is going to break in through those walls and reveal to her the Truth.


My 2 Cents
(From a woman who's gone through some similar things and experienced freedom only when God came and shined His light in my darkness).
Molly

Excellent point Molly! I am also a woman who has gone through some of the issues your wife has gone through and Molly is 100% correct. Your wife's security (as well as everyone's) needs to come from God. The core issue is directly related to her relationship with God. She needs to "let go and let God" by trusting in God that --no matter what happens-- she needs to have complete faith in God that God will never leave her. Problem is right now, her security is in people and relationships. That's not where her foundation should be at. It's important that your wife strengthens her relationship with God. When she realizes that God will always be by her side, she will be able to "let go" and not live in fear anymore. When the love and presence of God is felt, only then will people be able to finally let go and know that God will never leave them.

I will be praying for your marriage. As Molly said too, your best defense right now is to pray hard for your wife to draw closer to God. It will take time so be patient and like others have already said in this thread, do as much as you can to bolster your wife's self esteem and confidence in you. God bless you.

 

[yeshuaskid]

I am frustrated with my wife!

I'm sure my husband has felt this so many times.

I am sick of this and of her constant accusations. I have never cheated on her before (and never would) and have never given her any reason to distrust me so much.

Deep down...I'm betting she knows that.

I know why she distrusts men though, she was nearly raped (she was able to get away) and every boyfriend she had before me cheated on her.

From the start of your thread...I was wondering about this. Having been raped as a teen, I know what your wife must be feeling. My husband offered to go to counseling with me while we were still engaged. It really helped. I'm not telling you that this is the only way to deal with things. We tend to push away those who love us the most without realizing what we are doing.

We have been together 4 years, and married about 1 and a half years. I keep trying to be understanding of her past but I am getting less and less compassionate about her past the longer this goes on.

I can understand why. I'm always asking my husband how he deals with me. We've been married two years and we had our first child last year. It's tough the first few years. I can only assume what your wife is feeling. It's hard to understand how one man can truly love you when so many before him hurt you. I know that my husband is my soul-mate and he does everything to make my life better but, there is always that little voice telling me that I am unworthy. Of course, I'm not! I pray on a daily basis specifically for my husband and his well-being.

I read the 'power of praying husband' and 'every womens desire' and try to be understanding, but i've been finding myself getting very bitter and angry at her because of how she treats me.

What an awesome book, 'power of a praying husband'. We have so many of Stormie's books. You picked a great book to read. I know I'm getting a bit long-winded but, I need to explain something to you. The more you open yourself to God and allow him to heal you wife and your marriage...Satan is going to attack you! He obviously doesn't want you to go to God. Whe I was reading, 'power of a praying wife'...every topic that I prayed about was what Satan shoved in my face that day through my husband. For example; when I read the chapter on prayer for his mind...his mind was attacked even harder by Satan using his employees.

Stick it out! It's hard and we all know it! I'll be praying for you as well as everyone else who reads this thread, I'm sure. Your still young and God will steer you through this. Just be open to him.

God Bless...

 

[Peculiarone]

I am frustrated with my wife!

Example: This morning, we got a call from my best friends 'girl-friend to be' (they like each other a lot but aren't dating yet)

Anyway, she was talking to me for about 5 minutes asking me questions about my best friend (whom i've known since I was 4) because she was planning his surprise golden birthday party. I answered her questions about my friend and ended the call.

My wife was then angry at me for a long time because i was talking to another woman on the phone. My wife knows this person from church and enjoys hanging out with her sometimes.

My Wife was trying to get me to appoligize for hurting her by talking to another woman on the phone because I am married and it is inappropriate behavior for a married man to do that.

I also have a job as a computer technician. As part of my job, I visit people to repair their computers. If I ever visit a female, I always am sure to be appropraite by making sure doors stay open, ect. but my wife constantly gets upset at me if i fix any womans computer if she is under 40 years old.

And lastly, any time we watch tv/movies, if a female comes on the screen wearing anything remotly tight or with any skin showing what-so-ever, if i don't look away instantly, make a comment on how much that discusts me, and appolgize for seeing it even for a second, then a huge argument will occur.

I am sick of this and of her constant accusations. I have never cheated on her before (and never would) and have never given her any reason to distrust me so much.

I know why she distrusts men though, she was nearly raped (she was able to get away) and every boyfriend she had before me cheated on her. We have been together 4 years, and married about 1 and a half years. I keep trying to be understanding of her past but I am getting less and less compassionate about her past the longer this goes on.

What have I done so far? I read the 'power of praying husband' and 'every womens desire' and try to be understanding, but i've been finding myself getting very bitter and angry at her because of how she treats me.

What more can I do!?

Is your wife a christian?Then please pray with her and sit and talk with her. You may want to seek marital councelling from your pastor so that you can control your frustration and so that it wouldn't get worse.

Your wife needs extra extra care and you've got to be willing to be patient with her healing process. As tough as it may sound. Continue to love her, and don't give up on her and your marriage.

So please seek professional help (like a pastor) and talk with her, pray with her, pray for her.

 

[proudfather]

thank you for all the replies, they are very encouraging. I wrote this post on a night after a very bad argument and just needed another voice to encourage me that life goes on and to continue to do my best.

I know the best thing i can do now is lead by example. Spiritually. i've been struggling with the daily devotions/prayer, and i know my wife not only needs this from me, but also just needs to see me doing these things to encourage her.

My wife is thinking about going to a counsuler that our pastor has suggested. PLEASE PRAY that our doctor/insurance will approve the refferal for this counsuler so that we can afford it!

thank you again for your prayer and right words in my moments of weakness!

 

[LegacyOfLove]

You have my prayers for your wife and the situation! God bless you for sticking in there, even when it's hard. But, trust me....she's going to love you even more for it later on down the road!!

 

[bliz]

If your insurance will not cover this counselor, ask for a referral to one that will be covered. Your wife needs serious help! This situation is not going to get bettr on it's own.

She needs to heal, but in order for healing to begin she has to work on what the problem is, figure it out and work on it with the help ofa professional. This is a spiritual/social/sexual problem and it is going to get worse and worse if she does not get help. Your working to make things better from now on is not at all the same thing as healing. Both things need to happen.