Ok, I give up. I'm evil. I sin without repenting. I can't help it. It's like I'm full of sin, but I'm just afraid of judgment, which is not repentance. I don't even think the sins I commit are wrong, so I'm just getting angry at God now. What do I do? There's a train of eternal damnation headed my way, and I'm trapped. I cannot change who I am (especially when when I don't see the sins I commit as evil), and there's no other option to Christ.
For about six years I've been reading the bible and going to church. I've read books about God, met with pastors, etc. For the first few years I operated out of fear of God trying to keep God's laws. After realizing I couldn't keep God's laws (or standard for repentance) I fell into depression and anguish. I've tried to find answers and hope, but all signs point to me burning in hell. I've recently been asking God for mercy so that I may just die like an animal and not suffer eternally.
For many the Bible is like food for their soul. For me... well I have alot of anxiety about reading the Bible. Reading just seems to hammer my doom more and more into my head. I have no conviction to be better, I have nowhere to rest, and I have no one to turn to. I hear Jesus accepts unconditionally, but I believe he himself said that without repentance for willful sins you will still be judged.
Before you tell me that admitting I'm evil is repentance read up on what real repentance is. What I have is fear of God and alot of worldly grief. Sure I would like to be perfect, not because I want to be better or any of that. It's plain and simple, I just don't want to go to hell. Like I said, I don't even think many of the sins I commit are bad.
I's funny I first turned to Christ when I realized my mortality and was afraid of just dying and ceasing to exist; now I have actually asked God for mercy and to give me that same fate. What can I do? I feel as if I was created to suffer eternally, and there's nothing I can do. Did God just not chose me for the gift of salvation? Will God have mercy on me and let me just die like an animal (after all he can do anything right)?
Hi, you were not created to suffer eternally.
Whenever I hear the bible yelling at someone, generally is due to some bad legalistic teaching experience. No idea if is what occurred with you, but is what generally causes the word to yell at us rather than be the blessing that it is.
You said following God's laws. There are no laws to follow. Jesus gave us commandments. We have free will. We choose and strive to do what God has commanded us to do in the nt or not to do, depending on what is the topic.
As to the commandments God has given us each one of us fails at them, and no one keeps every commandment in the nt to my knowledge, as we are all growing in Christ all our lives and we fail and succeed and continue to run the race.
Have you ever surrendered to Jesus, committed your life to Jesus. As what your describing is that there is no power in your life (Holy Spirit) helping you. I'm not saying it's so, but is what you are describing.
Or; it may be that you are in Christ but are unwilling to let go or turn from some sin, certain sin, a lot of sin, whatever it is.
When we come to Jesus, some change quickly, turning from their old lives, not desiring it any longer; others change slowly as to things, every one is different.
Here's an example that might help you see a bit about sin.
Take for example adultry. Having another man's wife, or another woman's husband. If did that prior to Jesus, when get into the bible and see, let's say the love chapter in Corinthians.
We see there, what love is..
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails
Notice, love always protects, is not self seeking, is kind.
When we think thru then what occurs in adultry we see we are self seeking, not kind, and not protecting, as the person's spouse is being hurt, or will be, or can be, as well as the children, and when affairs occur, and the grass looks greener, often times, we'll see the divorce and then the poverty often times the one cheated on winds up in, with kids at home, etc.. Not to mention mental illness, depression, etc.. many many effects of adultry.
We also see in the bible we never want to cause another to sin. In adultry we are doing that with who ever we commit adultry with. We are causing another to sin.
So, perhaps not getting angry about things, but seeking to see why sin is sin may help you to have a reasonable understanding of why God desires we avoid it, and dont' participate in it at all.
But to start, Jesus speaks of cleaning the inside of the cup and then the outside will be clean. That is why is important to be in Christ, as once we are the Holy Spirit is indwelling us, and is God who helps us to change our mind, to turn away, to run from, to not desire to sin, etc.
If the bible is yelling at you, please think if you've been exposed to legalism. Legalism kills the spirit. If that is what occurred, ask God to help you to heal. I spent a year with the bible screaming at me, due to legalism, and it took a year to heal, and a year to be able to open the bible again without it screaming at me. Not because I was sinning, but because the bible seemed to scream at me, cause is what occurred though very very subtley at a church by a legalistic pastor, way back when.
If you are in Jesus, tell Him I want to do this sin, I do not want to give it up, please help me not to desire to sin.
Always be very honest with God, no need to ever be otherwise. God works with us as we are truthful, and even when we are not, but many are afraid to be truthful with God and say the truth when in fact nothing more God would want to hear said, the truth of the matter.
As then you are opening that part of your life open to God saying help me in this.
It is a daily walk with Jesus. It's not a one time as you know. So, we one day are one step forward, next day, two steps back, but we keep going forward, striving to be more Christlike, not in a hypocritical way, but in a real way.
If you were in a church who encouraged you to be a hypocrite, meaning you had to look perfect to others, or you may have assumed that others are perfect and no one is, but many do assume others are not struggling with sin, because people often will not be vulnerable and open to share such, due to what can occur from being open.
So you find a trustworthy friend. It may not be a pastor, it may be, but a Christian who you know you can trust, who will not judge you and who will help you.
Many hide their sin, as they are ashamed of it, and so they continue in it, as is never brought to the light. That's why God tells us to confess it to God and to another (a trusted person.) Not all are trustworthy.
You say you are full of sin, so is every one of us, and our heart is loaded with it, and it will come up over and over, whether it's lust, pride, self righteousness, greed, etc.. we will get thru it one day and next day fail.
It's the inside that is your concern; your heart, your desires becoming as Jesus' desire.
The outer man changes, due to an inward heart change, and again is a lifetime process, someone can hang on to something a long time, as is a stronghold in their life. Something they do not desire to give over to give up, to let go of, to turn away from.
There is all kinds of help for you or for any of us out there in our brothers and sisters in Jesus.
If you can't read the word right now, try listening to sermons online or at church; if you were going to a bad church find a good church a Christ centered church, not a law centered church, not a do this or else centered chruch, as has nothing to do with Jesus. A Christ centered church will teach about Jesus, will not exalt the pastor in any way at all, but Christ will always be exalted.
So to see the sins you do as wrong, just think them out very logically as to how that sin or a sin has a trickle affect either on you alone, or on very many people.
As I gave the adultry for instance..as in thinking out the effects of sin.
If I steal a candy bar, no biggy, but in truth, people are now homeless, without jobs, companies closed down etc, for that kind of thinking as countless others doing the same.
If I dump chemical waste in a field as don't want to pay for the right way to dispose, I may have in that act killed a whole town and many generations to come.
Those are just examples to sort of think of why sin is not good, why it's bad and why God does not want us to sin.
If you feel about a sin, well I'm not hurting another, it's just my life..think about how very precious you are, and hurting you is not good, never good. However, most sin affects much more than us, but we need to think it out sometimes if we don't see why something is wrong.
And if you find people judging you for asking why a certain sin is wrong, find a trusted person again..as it is not always good to share with others who will judge you, which makes people tend to hide even better and more, rather than seek to be free.
I keep rereading your post as I type and I do think now that you've been in a church possibly that is not quite Christ centered.
Also you wrote you feel no conviction for sin. You wouldn't if you don't think it's wrong.
Before we were in Jesus, we didn't think anything of stealing from the job we worked for or the store, cause hey they're big, they won't notice, is much the attitude many of us had. Thinking no one is hurt, no one is suffereing over what I'm doing, but in reality most times the dominoe effect surely is reaping much harm.
I had no conscience before Christ, I lived a very very dark life and never felt guilt or shame, unless I got caught.
When I came to Jesus, I had no shame, because the second I was in Jesus, without a person telling me a thing, as I was in a good church, and no one said, dont do this and do this, must do x or y, none of that, God worked in me, and I for some reason no longer desired the things I did. I noticed Jesus was right there with me all the time. this is when I first came to Jesus. I felt no condemnation at all, because there is no condemnation in Jesus.
No one told me to turn from my sin, to repent, nothing.. it just occurred. When I started to read the bible I learned more, and so at some point I told God all my sins, but never ever did I feel condemned.
So that you feel nothing about your sin, it may be because we are deeply rooted in the world when we come to Jesus and we don't even realize how worldy our thoughts are, us saying, well it's not hurting another, or that person is not worth anything so I can take advantage of them or use them etc, or we may think we're not worthy of anything. We are all messed up and come to Jesus that way, and with God inside us once we've committed/surrendered our life to Jesus, God helps us.
Sorry for the book, I could go on and on. You are greatly loved, you are very precious, you are not evil, it sounds like you've been in possibly not good churches, as well possibly as you don't see why sin is so bad, and that is something you can work on, but I can tell you tht all our lives we are dealing with things and saying not so bad, instead of thinking out why it is and why we should desire as Jesus desires.
Immerse yourself in Jesus, watch sermons online at Christ centered churches, find a brother if you are male, sorry I didn't notice, or a woman if you are female, a trusted Christian, God has His people around..
To be healed from the bible screaming at you, takes time, if it's due to a church; if it's due to your sin, it isn't screaming at you for your sins, cause we all sin, but because Jesus loves you, knows your struggles, and lovingly has verses in the bible to help you to turn away from things, to run from things.
God bless you,
tapero
